my heaven 24/7

a retreat into my personal reverie, my escape from harsh realities, a place for unspoken words, my constant catharsis

[myheaven24-7]

return to blogging

it’s 4/11/2023 and gosh it’s been so so long since I’ve even been on this thing. When did I stop? Why? 

Well, it’s been 5 years, and I’ve returned. I’m in a happy relationship with a man I love. Although I’m unsure if he’s the one, he makes me really happy. You know, I was reading back my last few posts since I stopped and I realized, wow I was really “in love” with AFC. But that love was a different love than now. Now, I feel desperate. Clawing to gain back my happiness and positivity. I’ve already thought about d**ing twice this week and it just feels like I’m so easily able to slip under the water again. It’s so scary, how pushed to hopelessness I am. How easily triggered. I really hate myself right now. Who I’ve become. It’s like all the growth I made in college was erased and now I’m back to miserable self loathing. Why do I even bother with this? I feel like a flower that’s bloomed and then shriveled back up. 

I wonder how long I can keep this up. 

[myheaven24-7]

To my first love,

One day, I won't feel anything from hearing your name. One day, all I'll remember is bittersweet memories at the thought of you. But maybe I'll never not feel. Maybe I'll feel forever. I still find solace in our memories. I still search for traces of you in a sea of people. My heart stops when I encounter someone who vaguely looks like you. My eyes light up when I see someone in a suit. Despite all the heartache and emotions you've put me through, I'm so thankful to have met a kind man like you. At age 19, I was shown what it was like to be loved by a man and not a boy. You gave me the world and I flourished and blossomed in the safe space between your arms. Because of you, my standards are now exceedingly high and it has taught me to never settle for something less than you because I deserve more than what you gave me. What you gave me wasn't enough. It was never enough. I constantly craved and hungered for more love.  You were my first love, the first person I ever poured my heart and soul into and loved with such fervor. It felt as if I was jumping headfirst into the sea. I was so scared, so young, so lost in a country so far away from home. Perhaps under different circumstances we would have been happier. As you mentioned before, our relationship was “a flower that will never bloom.” I believe it did, but we never could bloom the way we should have for our love was too great and genuine to conceal from the world. A beautiful, glowing flower that never met the sun's loving warmth.

[myheaven24-7]

We’re falling apart. I’m trying so hard to keep it alive. I’m not sure I could say the same for you. This world is too complicated to keep biting on our own words and thoughts. Why not just let everything spill out? We can’t. Because we’re afraid of the consequences. We’re afraid of the reaction. This day was bound to come. I’m just hurting myself even more. Am I the only one hurting? This was never supposed to drag on for this long. 

[myheaven24-7]

Reminiscing the nights we’d sneak hot cheetos into the movies and laugh excitedly about anything and everything

[myheaven24-7]

do you remember what i remember? everything about our love? 

[myheaven24-7]

When did you stop caring? When did the feelings start to fade away? 

[myheaven24-7]

Spring Break 2017: Pre-Flight

I’m currently sitting in the Air France Lounge in the Chicago O’Hare Airport. During the shuttle ride from Purdue to the airport, I began to think of why I was even completing this spring break trip to Taiwan in the first place. And I recalled that it was all because of you. Because I thought that I could fly to Taiwan and meet up with you there. You even agreed. You even brought it up yourself. I was going to ask but you knew what I wanted. Anyways, fast forward a few weeks, you asked again, whether you could meet me there. I eagerly told my mother that I wanted to go back to Taiwan for Spring Break and you were getting ready to book tickets and take some time off work. 

Although, we aren’t able to meet up this week due to your conflicting work schedule, I’m still happy that we made an effort like this. I’ll just spend some time in Taiwan with my family and take a break for once. All the studying has tired me out. I can’t wait to get on the plane and knock out for a while. Super excited to watch Moana and La La Land though. 

[myheaven24-7]

Spring Break 2017 : Taiwan

Taiwan in 2 weeks! I am pretty excited. AFC won’t be meeting me there since he doesn’t have his passport on him due to visa application for LS. Too bad... But I’m really excited to get my hands on new clothes for the spring/warmer weather because I have nothing to wear. Literally. /// 

[myheaven24-7]

Going to my first rave this Saturday in Chicago and I’m pretty excited and nervous about it. AFC tells me not to roll but hey, when else will I ever get this experience outside of college? I’ll take care of myself. Hopefully. 

[myheaven24-7]

when did you realize you were in love?

Hmm, when all I wanted was to have him be happy and my world just suddenly started revolving around him. Kinda bad, I know. But that’s how I love. 

[myheaven24-7]

hi, thanks for following my quality blog! follow back? i love your url btw xx

<3 <3 thank you! just followed back

[myheaven24-7]

I want to write better quality work and snippets but I can never find the words and beautiful adjectives I want to describe my inner workings. I need to read more. I need to achieve higher levels of vocabulary utilization. I love reading other’s works and just think to myself how wonderful it is to be able to write like them--to express feelings so beautifully and expressively. 

[myheaven24-7]

Reminiscing the sunlight filled days where you piggybacked me in the warm waters of the Pacific off Xiapu and where we raced towards the horizon using our limbs and where we lay our bodies to rest side by side in a quaint house. 

[myheaven24-7]

Reasons: Unknown

There must be a reason that I don’t believe that love lasts forever.

There must be a reason that I never count the days, anniversaries, and special days. 

There must be a reason that I feel your presence fading away from the forever sunlight. 

There must be a reason that I feel that our days are numbered.

There must be a reason that I feel this way. 

There must be a reason. 

[myheaven24-7]

AFC 1

I miss the feeling of being able to reach your from just an arm’s stretch... The way I was able to push my hand a little forward and be able to have our fingers intertwine like star-crossed lovers... 3 months and 22 days have passed since we’ve parted and we still talk everyday... It always feel like an endless dream to be able to talk to you and to have known such a wonderful being like you. Whenever I describe you and the memories we share and the things you’ve done for me, others say it’s so sweet and that we’re destined to be together because you’re “the one”. But I am my own determinant of that fact and I sometimes think so and sometimes don’t think so. 

[myheaven24-7]

Tired of Love (Songs)

blind love wasted

on another marionette

no i don’t really care about a love song

i don’t give a damn about a love song

[myheaven24-7]

Congratulations

on your promotion, on your new move, on your new beginnings. I’m so excited to see where this will take you but I am also eagerly awaiting the day we get to meet again and travel the world together.