My Life With An Alcoholic

For 25 years, I have lived and suffered in an alcoholic home. As of recently, it has only gotten worse. For the past year and a half, I have been writing about my experience. I write because it's healing to me. Hopefully, my story can help someone who is going through something similar. If that's you, I'm glad you're here. And I hope I can bring you some sort of comfort with whatever life is throwing your way. Have a Question? Submit!

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

March 31st, 2020

My 25th birthday was two days ago. Yesterday, was one of the worst days of my life. The divorce has officially hit the fan and I am sick to my stomach over it. My mom and I decided to drive back up to Home to get the mail and check on the house. We come home to find some very strange things. Theres a bunch of groceries in the kitchen that isn’t ours, a pot on our stove that is not ours, a deadbolt lock on my dads bedroom door, and women’s clothing in our washer, that also is non of ours. Best part: we find a letter on the kitchen table that has “Hey Wen, check this out and let me know it’s worthless” in my Dads handwriting. If you dont remember, Wendy is my dad’s girlfriend, whom I am sure I referred to before as Fred. So yes, Wendy has been staying over at our house while we have been down the shore. My mom was convinced she wasn’t going to be able to get into the bedroom, but I had different plans. I was getting into that room one way or another. I decided to climb through my bedroom window, walk across the roof to my dads bathroom window and see if it was open. It was. I climbed through to find the most disgusting thing I have ever witnessed in my entire life. This bitch has officially moved in, and made herself extremely comfortable, for that matter. She’s got her shampoo and conditioner in the shower, she’s removed everything from my moms makeup mantel and made it her own space, she’s removed all my moms clothing from the bedroom and stuffed it in her closet; oh also lemme add, she’s hanging her clothing in the closet right next to all my moms things. She has all of her shoes (extremely EXTREMELY ugly shoes) underneath my moms mantel with all of her clothes in bags as well, because she has already been preparing to empty my moms drawers and put her stuff in. She removed EVERYTHING of my moms on her make up mantel. Her john lennon tapestry that has been there for 26 years, All the pictures of us when we were kids: taken down off of the mirror. And sleeping in and making my dads bed that probably hasn’t been made in 15 years. I have never in my life have ever felt so violated or sceeved. I have a stranger living in my home. And she thinks its long-term. 

As soon as I opened that door to my dads room for my mom to see with her eyes, she immediately started throwing her shit out on the front lawn. She cannot stay here, she in not welcome. This is our home and we still live there. The divorce is not yet finalized. After my mom was done throwing her shit outside, I had my mom call the police. This needed to be documented. Four cops came to our place and gave my mom the advice to put her stuff in bags and to give my dad a heads up to prevent an emotional blowup and to protect ourselves legally. I was against it because fuck him. but my mom did what she was advised and called my dad to let him know. My dad said he already discussed this with his lawyer that he needs “assistance” due to having surgery(3 months ago)(on his wrist; not open heart) and that his girlfriend will be moving in. Also that his lawyer sent my moms lawyer an email to give my mom a heads up. The lawyer never received such an email and also in the email that was supposedly sent: my dads lawyer referred to Wendy as his “friend” and that she’ll be staying for a short amount of time. What a load of bullshit. A “friend” that is only staying short term doesn’t sleep in the same bed as you and fuck you. A friend who is staying short term doesn’t removed the wife’s clothing into a closet, dumps wife’s clothes out of drawers so she can move her stuff in. A friend who is staying short term doesn’t remove all existence of the wife who still lives there. I am sick to my stomach over all of this. Best yet, my dad texted me on my birthday saying “happy birthday, I miss you very much”. and he couldn’t have pushed me away any further. I refuse -REFUSE- to live in that house if she’s living there. I do not feel safe in my own home anymore. I dont know this person and I dont know what she is capable of, because she has shown already that she is one fucking horrible excuse of a woman. She could have a motive to kill me or my mom and I don’t feel safe sleeping in my own childhood room anymore. and I am really sad about it. I got a luggage and packed everything I could find. I dont even know what I grabbed but I grabbed it and its in the back of my car. For now, I’ll be living at the shore. But when quarantine is over, Ill probably be moving into my friends house with her parents. I’ve been close with them since I was a baby and they have always treated me like their own. And I couldn’t be more grateful. What a fucking day. Happy birthday to me.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

March 23rd, 2020

Well… another 7 months have passed. Life can be overwhelming sometimes, which can prevent me from having time to write. I love writing, so i’m glad i have the opportunity to write right now. And the only reason i do is because a global pandemic is going on right now. Yup, no big deal whatsoever. So with all the “social-distancing” going on, i have time to reflect…… a lot of time. Lots has happened since August. I’m still working at Tommy, I’ve learned how to cook, my parents have officially filed for divorce, i’ve gotten let down a couple times by a couple people, and i am pretty sure i might be in love with someone, but i’m still not 100% on that yet, so thats a story for another day. The most important thing of thing out of the list is that my mom finally filed for divorce. Yup, she did it. It’s very scary, but also liberating at the same time. To imagine a life without my father in it. It sounds horrible, but when you live with an alcoholic like him, you would be on the same boat as me. This past week i’ve lived my days away from him while being in quarantine, and it is something i can get used to. I know my emotions are gonna be mixed, but i will just have to process them as they go, and not overwhelm myself with anxiety of what’s to come. 

Quick little story, when my mom filed, i asked her for one thing, for me not to be there when the papers were delivered. January 3rd, I was leaving for work at 645am in the pitch, black, freezing rain. When two men jumped out of their truck and ran to my front door as I was going to my car. I don’t think  I have ever been so scared that morning. I thought I was about to be robbed or murdered. Turns out it was two men that were serving my dad the papers. They gave them to me. Of course. I didn’t even know that I could be served them. But of course yeah I was served the papers directly, when that is the one thing i did not want to be apart of. I wish and I wanted to write about it back then, but again, I was very overwhelmed with what was going on and having to balance work on top of that. I was extremely upset with how that went down. I was a little traumatized by it, if i am being honest. My emotions completely erupted and it was hard to get myself to work that morning. But I took the advantage of work that day to be my main priority because I had a lot to get done that day and also it helped keep my mind off of what had just happened. Work is a little stressful, but I am learning a lot and I do want to be successful here for the upcoming years, but again, I am learning and I will get there. I am always about turning a negative into a positive. It’s all about perspective. I could of slacked off at work and cried and felt sorry for myself, but I decided to let it motivate to work my hardest that day. And i did. and it felt good. In other news, I turn 25 in a week. Tonight, I am going to take some time to reflect on my year of being 24 and the lessons I’ve learned and how much I have changed. I think it’s important to reflect on your growth because you can see how far you have come, and how much has changed. Growth really is a beautiful thing. Well, if this quarantine lasts longer than expected, you’ll be hearing from me very soon. Thank you for being my therapy. 

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

December 24th, 2019

It’s Christmas Eve. This morning I woke up to an empty house. I walk downstairs and into the kitchen. There’s a gift on the table with my name on it. Written in my Dad’s handwriting. It’s all wrapped up in pretty Christmas wrapping paper. I can instantly feel myself go tense. I’m also extremely confused. I walked away and acted like I didn't see it. I don’t want anything from him. He cannot mend everything he did with a wrapped present. I also felt like this in some sick way had to be a set up. As the hours went by, I started to get curious about what was in this box. I go back over to it and hold and shake it to see if i can figure out what’s in it. It’s light. I hesitate at first, but I begin to open it. I opened it delicately because I knew I wanted to wrap it right back up so he didn’t know that I touched it. As I take it out, I notice it’s in a chocolate box. But there’s no way that it’s chocolate in there. It’s too light. Eventually I open it. It’s paperwork with a letter. To sum it up, it was a big fuck you to me. He had been paying off my car loan for the past year because I didn’t have a full time job (because of him). He was cutting me off. It wasn’t to make me independent. It was to cause me pain and anger during what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. He wanted to rip away joy and put a financial burden on me. I didn't let that happen though. I wrapped the gift back up and put it where I found it. I cried it out for a while, but then picked myself back up. A few days later, I got in touch with the bank and set up direct deposit for my car loan. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me suffer. Thanks to Al-Anon, I changed my perspective. This takes me one step closer to freedom from him. He no longer can hold this over my head and have control. Thankfully I have a job. It may not pay well but it’s something and can help me pay it off monthly. All on my own.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

August 28th, 2019

So much can change in a month, holy shit. (For the better too.) I got that Tommy Hilfiger job. Yup, I GOT IT. all on my own. They called me at the end of July asking me if I was still interested in the position. I was hesitant at first because I was just getting comfortable with my new job and I didn’t want to go through the three interviews again, get my hopes up and then not get it again. But I went into for a meeting anyways because I thought to myself  “what do I got to lose?”. After the meeting, I felt really good about myself. She told me that she wanted me from the beginning and still really wants me on her team. She told me she was going to talk to the DM about not having me do the interviews again and also let me think about it. That night I went into my job, feeling really good about myself, to have my boss take me in the office for an “observation”…. i have only been there for two months???? and to sum up everything she said, she basically told me I suck at my job. She said nothing motivational and because of that, she really pushed me to accept this new job offer because that Thursday I got the call. I put in my two weeks that following week with no remorse. They definitely took advantage of me those last two weeks, but it’s over now and today I officially start my new job. I am so excited. It couldn’t be a better fit for me. What a change of events!!!! I am so proud of myself, especially with all the other turmoil going on in my life. 

In other good news, I also just booked a vacation with my own money! So yeah, life is pretty good right now, and I’m gonna bask in it as much as I can before the pendulum goes the other way.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

Thank you.

Just wanted to write and say thank you to everyone who has read my story and/or has resonated with it. Thank you for the messages and feedback. ❤️ it feels good to know that many of us have expierenced similar situations and that we are not alone. Thank you for following me on my journey.❤️

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

July 18th, 2019

Four months it’s been since I last checked in here. Mostly because a lot has happened since then. Life happened and prevented me from writing in here.(ironically, I wrote that four days ago but then life got to me again and stopped me from writing lol) Good news is I finally have a job in the position I want to be in. Bad news is that my dads still a  fuck up. Two weeks ago, he was texting my mom and telling her how much he still loves her. A week later, apparently he had a doctors appointment to get a procedure done and he didn’t tell any of us. He had Wendy (ya know, Fred) take him to it. That’s when my mom finally called a divorce lawyer and made an appointment with one, which is where she is now. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared. I have no idea what is going to happen or change and that fucking terrifies me. Will I still live in my hometown in a year from now? Will we lose the shore house? Will we lose all of our properties? I don’t want anything to change, no matter how spoiled and ironic it sounds. Despite the abuse  Ive endured the past 24 years of my life, i am content financially. Which really is the only reason we stayed in this position with him for so long. But I need to change my mindset. The abuse is not worth a dime. It’s not worth the shore house, or my childhood home. Material things are replaceable. Time isn’t. I hate change, but that is what life is about. Change happens everywhere. That’s why I need to be prepared for what’s to come, whatever that is. But I know what’s ahead is meant to happen and only better can come from this. I need to take care of Erin and do what is best for me and my inner child. I need to stop letting fear take over and go out and do the things I not only want to do, but need to do for myself. We only live this life once. I don’t know where it’s taking me in the next few years, but I need to live and not worry. I trust that God has a plan and everything that is meant to be, will be.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

March 16th, 2019

I had a little bit of a mental breakdown last night. A couple weeks ago I applied for a job at Tommy Hilfiger. I did not think I was even gonna hear back from them because I was getting so used to applying and getting nothing. But sure enough, one of their hiring managers reached out to me a few hours later and asked me to come in for an interview. I was ECSTATIC. Not only was it a leadership position, but it was also at a high end fashion company! Unfortunately, the pay wasn’t that great and it was an hour away, I was still really excited. They had me come in for three different interviews. I thought I had it. They were very interested in me and I was already mentally preparing myself to take on this position. I got a call last night at 7pm from them to tell me that they’re hiring someone internally for the position instead. I was crushed. I was angry. I was overall extremely disappointed, mostly in myself. Why? Probably because I got my hopes up. I also was really hard on myself and was saying really mean things to myself, which I know I don’t mean, but I was in a self pity moment. I don’t like when I do that to myself. It isn’t fair. I know I am deserving of good things, I just haven’t gotten the job I want yet. I’m also annoyed that I have to apply for more jobs and do more interviews. It’s so tedious and annoying and I am OVER IT. One significant emotion I felt last night was embarrassment. Embarrassed that I didn’t get it, like I was too stupid. Embarrassed to think of what my friends might think of me. Embarrassed to think that I could even get the job. Embarrassed to think that any company will want to hire me. But I know that’s not true. I know I am smart. I know I am a hard-worker. I just gotta keep looking. I also don’t know why I have this paranoia that my friends look at me as if I am beneath them. They’ve all been working for almost two years, and I’ve been out of school for almost a year and still haven’t found work. But I have to remember that isn’t my fault. I am not working because I was supposed to work with my Dad, but that clearly didn’t work out, for a good reason. But then last night, I got re-angry at my Dad. I started blaming him for the position I am in. I don’t have a job and it really is because of him. 

This morning, I decided to go to an Al-Anon meeting. One thing that I took from today is the serenity prayer. I need God and my Guardian Angels to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Such as not getting the job I want, not having a job right now, and the fact that my dad is a narcissistic alcoholic. I also need them to grant me the courage to change the things that I can. Such as accepting the fact that I didn’t get the job, and to keep looking for a job until I get one, and stop giving into paranoid thoughts. I also need them to grant me the wisdom to know the difference. Know that I can accept the fact that things happen in life for a reason and change things for the better. For whatever reason, I didn’t get that job. I do know it isn’t because I am not good enough. It just means that there is something else out there better for me. Maybe closer, maybe a better pay, but I’ll find it and I will get to it. I also need to stop the overthinking that causes this paranoia of what my friends might think. Your real friends will not judge you and actually be understanding of your situation. Real friends love and accept you for who you are no matter your circumstances. I think a lot of this paranoia is coming from my PMS. I think that is also a reason I had an emotional breakdown last night. But because of my PMS and not getting the job, I just didn’t think it was a good idea to go out with my friends and celebrate St. Patricks Day. I love this holiday more than anything, but drinking on top of all of that would just be a complete disaster. So I am inside writing to you, which is probably the best solution for me right now. One last thing I need to remember is that I may be in this position because of my dad’s alcoholism, and it might be frustrating at times, but I need to Keep It Simple and keep calm and carry on.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

February 23rd, 2019

A lot of things have happened in the past two weeks. Mostly good. I’m beginning to allow myself to experience new things. I met a new guy and went on a date with him. To be completely honest, it was really my first date ever. I’ve gone out with other guys obviously, but this was my first time a guy(that i was interested in) has actually asked me out on a regular date. It was really nice. I also finally began applying to jobs and got my first two job interviews ever. I didn’t like either jobs unfortunately, but im glad I got the experience anyways. One of the jobs was out in Bala Cynwyd, PA, which meant I had to drive into Philly and on the Schuylkill Expressway for the first time ever. I mostly went to that job interview for that purpose and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. And obviously, my first Al-Anon meeting. I am still attending it and plan to continue. A lot of new firsts. The emotions i’ve been feeling lately have been a bit overwhelming —from excitement, scared, nervous— but overall exhilarating. Ever since starting the program, I find myself starting new things in all areas in my life. The emotion that has really taken over me is fear. Probably because stepping out of your comfort zone is extremely scary. But that is where your life begins. I needed to (and still trying to) get out of the funk I live in day to day. I deserve to live a happy life, but I’m still scared. Because I’m not used to it. Granted, it’s just the beginning of new things happening, but I guess i’m scared of screwing up. I’m scared this guy is not going to end up liking me or that I will somehow sabotage it by finding something I don’t like about him and end it because I’m scared of committing to something I don’t know I’m ready for. And RIGHT there, i’m already drawling conclusions it’s gonna lead somewhere and freak myself out. It’s different each day. I either like the idea of it and get attached to it OR I overthink and freak myself out. That’s one thing I really want to work on. Living in the present and not in the anxiety of the unknown future. Taking one day at a time. Overthinking destroys everything. And it’s something I really want to work on and hope Al-Anon can help me with. Another thing I fear is ending up in a job I hate. Or getting judged by the ones close to me of the job I get or lack thereof. I need to also stop worrying what others think of me and my situation because the majority of them don’t know the situation I am really in. No one knows unless they have walked in my shoes. I strongly believe all this anxiety and fear comes from my Dad. And I want to figure out how to work through these thoughts and reprogram myself into thinking and living in a healthier way. The guy I went out with isn’t a guy I would normally go out with. The guy I normally go out with or like is the egotistical asshole who is sure of himself and gives selective attention to me. Sound familiar? Theres fear again, me fearing I’m going to end up with a guy like my dad and live this cycle for the rest of my life. Thats one of the reasons I am attending Al-Anon, to make sure that doesn’t happen. And also why I am allowing myself to go out with a nice, geeky, humble guy. I’m challenging my system. I need to undo and reprogram my thought and behavioral patterns. Change is scary, but I’m willing to dive into it and hopefully Al-Anon can pave the way.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

February 9th, 2019

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. I went with my mom. I really didn’t know what to expect and was very nervous/intimidated at first, if I am being honest. It ended up being a really great experience and I am so grateful I went. I have never felt so relieved that other people experience the same things I do. It made me feel less alone. It made me feel safe. It was a huge big step into the right direction and I am going to continue to go. For myself. Because I can only change myself and I am important.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

February 8th, 2019

Forgot to mention the other day that my Mom and I finally sat down and talked to my Dad. We just gave it to him straight. He still refuses to admit he has a drinking problem and just claims it’s an anger problem. He had tears in his eyes, apologized profusely, said he’s going to get counseling and change. Do you know how many times I have heard this? How many times this conversation has happened in the past 23 years of my life? At least over 200. Does he mean it? No. Does he make any effort to change? Never. So the next day, My Dad worked from 9-5. He didn’t come home until 830. Guess where he was? Oh, just with Wendy. Not even 24 hours later. The only thing this sorry excuse of a father is consistent with are his inconsistencies. 

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

February 6th, 2019

It took me up until today to realize I am a victim of domestic violence. Many people believe that domestic violence is a boyfriend or husband who hits you, but that is not the case. Domestic violence can be done by anyone close to you in your household and it isn’t just physical. Domestic violence can be verbal abuse, which is what I have endured by my father for the past 23 years of my life. The other day, I was in my room and I overheard my Dad talking on the phone. He was talking about going to a Super Bowl party and he asked the person on the other line if he can bring Wendy. I know what you’re thinking. Who the fuck is Wendy? Beats me. I immediately called my mom and told her what I had just heard and she was just as confused as we all are. After I hung up, I went downstairs and calmly asked what his plans were for the Super Bowl. (Like I care. I just needed to act interested in order to get him to talk). He began telling me and after he was finished I came out and said “Who’s Wendy?” His face immediately exposed himself. He was completely caught off guard and was just like “What?” as he began playing with his ear. I repeated the question and he goes “A guy I know. Wendy.” I say, “A guy… named Wendy?” He goes “Yeah why is that weird?” I said, “Uh, yeah.” He goes “Well I know a guy named Wendy”. I said “Okay” and walked away. I didn’t need to be lied to anymore. How stupid does he think I am? I called my mom back and told her our conversation where she decided to call him. He answers the phone and I overheard him again (he has a really loud voice and our house is very open). I hear him go “Why do you care? What, is she spying on me? It’s a guy I know”. My Mom told me that she said to him “It’s normal for a daughter to get suspicious when her dad asks if he can bring another woman to a party.” 

Later on that day, My mom went to the store to go pick up her paycheck from my Dad. She stayed over 2 hours because she could tell that my Dad wanted her out of there. My mom took a picture of the schedule and noticed that there is a woman who works there named Wendy. Turns out, she was working while my Mom came in. My Mom noticed how dressed up she was, she even took a picture of her lol. To paint the picture of who exactly Wendy is, she is in her 60s, has short, black dyed hair that was all over the place, make up on that aged her, and the ugliest outfit ever. She was not a looker. My Dad though, is still insisting that he’s going to this party with a guy named Fred Wendy and they call him Wendy. (These lies, man.)  He really thinks he’s slick or/and we are dumber than dirt. Wendy walked by the office a couple times. She peaked her head in and noticed my Mom and didn’t say Hello. She definitely knew who my Mom was. When my Mom and Dad got alone, my Mom finally said “Is that Wendy? Have fun with her.” When she left, Wendy was ringing up customers (she’s a cashier) and my Mom goes “Bye Wendy!”. Wendy did not respond. My Mom described it as she was a deer in headlights. Even though My Mom and Dad basically have just a business marriage, it is still so disrespectful to be married and cheat. Nothing changes that. Unless you have some sort of agreement, which they do not. Also, what kind of fucking woman goes out with a married man? It is fucking 2019. Show some class. I know it may seem like I was exaggerating on how this woman looked because of my own feelings on the situation, but I’m not just being petty. Also, doing something classless as that just makes you ugly. 

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

February 4th, 2019

You would think it couldn’t get any worse than what i’ve already been through, but it has and it most likely will continue to get worse. (I see no improvement happening in the future/ever). For starters, I have been giving him the silent treatment. I mean, if you wish I weren’t born, I’m sure as hell gonna act like it, right? You hate me so much, I’ll just act like I don’t exist because that’s exactly what you want, correct? I did this for about a week until he caught on, which was last Wednesday (January 30th). He was off from work that day. I woke up and wanted coffee. I was hesitate to go down and get it, but I called my mom who was down the shore and she convinced me to. She reminded me not to let him stop me from living my life and reminded me that I do too live here and I have the right to go get coffee. So I went down to the kitchen to begin brewing my coffee and he already starts trying to talk to me from the other room. “Hey Good Morning.” *ignores* “Good Morning” *ignores* “Hey Erin” *ignores furiously* *Dad gets up from couch and begins shouting my name louder and louder* *I continue to ignore* “Erin, are you ignoring me?” *stares at him directly in the eyes and continues to do what I do* “Why are you ignoring me?” I have finally reached my breaking point. I look at him and say “Just pretend I’m not here since you wish I weren’t born” He goes, “No, thats not right I do love you I didn’t mean that” Me: “Then why would you say that?” Him: “I didn’t say that” Me: “Uh yeah you did, I have it on tape” Him:  “I was just really angry I am sorry” Me: “So you tell me you wish I weren’t born?” Him: “No, I didn’t mean it Erin I was just really mad” Me: “That doesn’t make it okay to say something so horrible to me for no reason. You really hate me that much” Him: I dont hate you, You’re right I should not have said that. It was a horrible thing to say, I’m sorry. “ *few seconds pass* What can I do to make it up to you?” Me: “Stop drinking.” Him: “Okay…..” Me: “But that’ll never happen” Him: *Silence*. Me: “We still haven’t even talked from the incident that happened two months ago and you’re already saying horrible things to me again” Him: “Well I have been trying to talk to you but you don’t want to talk unless your mother is around.” Me: “Yeah because it would be nice to have a mediator there that I am comfortable with.” Him: “Explain to me what happened that night two months ago” Me: *explains* (In the explanation he already begins defending what he did) Him: “Yeah I was a drunk that night, but tell me why you didn’t help me that night?” Me: It is not my responsibility to help you. It was your mess, not mine. You are a 75 year old man. You are perfectly capable of cleaning up after yourself.” Him: “No, if you loved me you would of helped me.” 

At this point, I snapped. I couldn’t keep my composure anymore. I rose my voice and brought up a time where he did not help me when I was stranded at the shore house a couple years ago with no car or money. (This has been going on for years) So why should I help him when me never fucking helps me. EVER. He then states to me that I am yelling. As if he has never once rose his voice and screamed obscenities to me. As if I don’t have a right to get angry at his delusions. I then stated, “I am not your employee. I do not have to clean up after you. I am your daughter.” And he then talks over me “I know that you’re my daughter and I know you’re not an employee” And I just walked away, but then I came back downstairs and said “You know what? None of my friends fathers would ever say in a million years that they wish their daughter was never born” (He begins being remorseful and agreeing with me) I finally say, “You expect me to have no reaction to your hate. I have never once in my entire life felt love from you” His response? “Thats a shame.” And that was it. I didn’t talk to him for a few days. He went to the shore that night and stayed until Friday night. I have to say, those days alone in that house were so peaceful and calming. It really is nice when he is not around.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

January 20th, 2019

HE STRIKES AGAIN!!! Despite not speaking to him really for about 2 months now, he somehow finds a way to get under my skin and spew hateful, vile things to me. My mom and I came in with our take-out and he was home from work. (Just like every time, this is when he is always wasted). I try to avoid him the majority of the time, but especially when he’s home from work. He hears me come in and I said hello, just came in with food with mom. He didn’t know my mom was home from the shore and he immediately goes “Oh, she must need money”. No you fucking douche, she’s home for her cancer treatment and CAT scan results on Wednesday. That’s what I wanted to say, but I didn’t because I knew he was drunk and in a fighting mood and I am just not nor am I ever. My mom on the other hand, decided to give in and fight back. I can’t even remember every word, but it’s really the same thing every time, it just gets a little darker each time. I didn’t get involved because I just didn’t want to do that to myself. For my own sanity, I have to ignore him. There is no point in fighting with someone who isn’t willing to listen nor hear what you have to say. It’s like talking to a wall. Plus, he would go on all night if he could. It’s just mentally and emotionally exhausting and I just wanted to stay out of it at this point. But since I do know that’ll he’ll forget about it in the morning, I recorded it. And the things I heard were despicable. It was something no daughter or wife ever wants to hear. My Dad was screaming at my mom saying, “Erin hasn’t talked to me in months! she doesn’t want to talk to me unless you’re around! I tried and you know what!!! I'm DONE. I dont give a shit anymore.” (oh, it gets worse). Then he went on to defend his behavior again from two months ago-that I should of helped him clean up his broken bottle of scotch. Side Note: what about you “trying” to make it up to me? That was all fake right? Thought so, hence why I don’t even believe you when you’re “sorry”. Because you prove to me time and time again that you are in fact, not. Back to the story. My Mom defended me and basically said “I’m her comfort zone and of course she wants me there. All these kids have ever wanted was love from their father. They didn’t ask to come into this world” Here is his golden response: “Yeah, Im sorry I brought them into this world”. He can try to deny this all he wants, but there’s no denying a video recording of you saying those exact words. It was heartbreaking, but honestly not surprising. Which makes it even more heartbreaking. I stayed silent. I went to my room. Tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. How can you not be hurt after hearing your own DAD say that about you? Then he wonders WHY I dont want a relationship with him. Why I dont ever want to be the FUCK around him. because you hate me so much and I will never understand why. Because I have done nothing ever but try to love you as your daughter. I remember you coming home drunk when I was a kid and you fighting with mom and then leaving the house angry and I would be crying running after you trying to convince you to stay home. But that had no affect on you whatsoever. You ignored me and got in your car and left. You have done nothing but abandon me over and over again, and you WONDER why I am almost 24 years old and have no relationship with you? Fuck you. Best part of this whole story is that two days later when he was home in the morning, He said good morning to me. As if all is good in the world. As if his vile, hatred for me doesn’t affect me. I completely ignored him, and he repeated himself and I ignored him again. Then he gave up. I cannot live like this forever. If you can’t change, I have to. And I’m going to.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

December 29th, 2018

Merry belated Christmas everybody. These past few days have been pretty bizarre to the say the least. An update from last time, I still haven’t talked to my dad and I am actually content with it. It’s sad, but at the same time I don’t mind. On Christmas morning, my dad left the house at 7am. Naturally, I was up that early because it was Christmas. I thought he went to the store because he normally does on Christmas and comes back. But as the day went on, he never came home. Never even called. I know, horrible right? But honestly, i’m not surprised. He abandons us every other day of the year, why would it be a shock on Christmas? Honestly, I was extremely happy he wasn’t home. It was the most peaceful Christmas in years. It truly was a Christmas miracle. If you’re wondering where he went, it was our shore house, which is an hour and half away from our home. We know this because we have cameras there and we saw it. It’s just pathetic that he didn’t tell us, but on the other hand it’s all apart of his game. He wants to isolate and abandon us so we wonder where he went so we would call him. He wants us to worry about him. He wants to feel sorry for himself. We never called, because we knew thats what he wanted. He wants to fight and get a rise out of us. On fucking Christmas. Glad to say his plan failed. He keeps successively pushing us away, thats for sure. We still haven’t seen or spoke to him and I don’t intend to. He is playing head games and I already know what he’ll say “You didn’t want me there anyways!” and make me somehow feel guilty for not speaking to him for over a month because of what he did that night I first wrote about. He’s a narcissistic alcoholic that has no plans to change. So I have to. 

Another wild thing that is sorta related to all this is my Uncle. He lives is Florida and has also been fighting alcoholism for the majority of his life. He was sober for 8 years, until recently. He got laid off from his job and now he is just spiraling out of control.  He started drinking the day after Thanksgiving (so he says) and then got detoxed and was sober for about a week or two until he started drinking again a few days before Christmas. On Christmas, my entire family and I all texted him ‘Merry Christmas’, but no answer. My Mom must have called him 12 times and still no answer. Just another fucking alcoholic messing with us on Christmas. He eventually answered later that night claiming “his phone was acting up”. But we all new that was bullshit and he was drinking again. The next few days my mom tried to get a hold of him, but nothing, until yesterday. He confessed he’s been drinking again and can’t do anything because he’s drunk. My Mom tried to talk some sense into him, but it’s ultimately up to him to do the work himself. Today, my mom tried calling him, but again: nothing. Hours later I found my mom crying out of worry. She is over 1,000 miles away from him and has no idea if he’s even alive. A few hours later, we got a call from his landlord. He told us that he’s been trying everything possible to get my Uncle out of his house, even invited him over for Christmas dinner, but nothing. He finally called the police to do a wellness check and they found my uncle in his bed, drunk out of his mind. The landlord kicked him out and sent him to rehab. But this time, his landlord isn’t letting him come back like he has in the past. Right now, I just feel horrible for my mom. Even though my mom is sober herself, this disease still follows her everywhere within this family. I just wish alcoholism would stop affecting us. I just wish I could take this pain and worry away. But I cant. There’s nothing I can do but pray for guidance and remind my mom of how strong she is. She is my Hero.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

December 16, 2018

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve last updated you on my life, but a lot has happened. My Dad has tried to talk to me 3 times in the past three weeks and failed each attempt. He even hand-wrote a letter to me, but i didn’t even open it. I mean, why would I? I already knows what it says. It’s filled with empty promises and guilt trips to make me forgive. But I won’t. Since none of his attempts have gotten to me, he’s using his classic card in the book, that he’s “selling the store”. If I had a dollar for every time he’s used this as a manipulative pull to get us to talk to him, I would be a millionaire. Somehow it works every single time. Even though I know it holds no truth, it still gets me worried because that store is why we have medical coverage and why we have money. I just get scared sometimes like maybe this is the time he’ll actually do it. Currently, there is a slight chance it might be possible because he’s been sick at home all week and now he feels up against the wall with death (but honestly I doubt it at the same time) (it’s like the boy who cried wolf at this point!). He is 75 years old and feels like if he sells the store, not only will he get better, but we will “see a big change in him”. Now that I know for sure will never happen. I am 23 years old and I have never seen a change in him, and I highly doubt I ever will. Everything he does is to benefit himself. He would “sell it” to not get better but to get sympathy from others. He would not do it to get closer to his family. He’s had years to fix his self up, but never took the chance. Because he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. A perfect example of narcissism for you. To get him to shut the fuck up, I’ll talk to him. Before all this, I was already planning to anyways. I’m willing to finally talk after three weeks, but if he defends his actions even once, I am walking out of that room. Two weeks ago, he seemed very ashamed of himself and probably would break down and cry and apologize, but after this week, he probably won’t. His attitude around the house has been very smug like he is mad at me because I won’t talk to him. He got in an argument with my mom and was very arrogant and as a result…. you can guess it, he played his ace.

I truthfully don’t know how my family and I live like this, but its getting old quick. On the good side of things, I have been looking for work and I have been reached out by multiple recruiters with job offers. I only spoke to one, but ended up rejecting it because it wasn’t something I was interested in. It makes me feel good that people are looking at my job profile and finding me to be a good candidate. It reassures my confidence in myself that I am going to be okay and get where I need to be in due time. Well, I’m going to go off to bed now since it’s 2:30 AM. I’m not sure why, but I have found writing to be extremely therapeutic late at night. I’m probably going to talk to my Dad with my mom on Monday. I am not looking forward to it, but wish me luck and I’ll keep you posted!

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

November 28, 2018

The past few days have been interesting, but nothing new here. My dad came down the steps Monday morning with no recollection of what he did the night prior. He kindly asked my mom for a broom and my mom just snapped, but can you blame her? I am probably his only child that REALLY tries to have a relationship with him and he treats me the absolute worst. Who speaks to their daughter like that? Does he really think that is going to make me want to spend time with him, let alone WORK for him? On Tuesday, he tried to apologize to me, but I didn’t accept it. I told him he has a serious problem and he responds by saying that it’s with his anger. What. A. Joke. I responded and said, “No, you have a problem with your drinking,” And he snarkily laughs and goes, “Ha, yeah, okay I have a problem with my drinking then.” And I just couldn’t even look at him. He just doesn’t take his disease seriously and does not give a flying fuck about how it affects my family and I. I’ve been considering going to therapy or Al-Anon meetings the past year because this disease is progressive and it’s been worse than ever lately. I don’t think I realize sometimes how much it affects me because I have become so numb to it. It’s so frequent that I quickly let it go and move on, and that scares me. I don’t want this to become a pattern in my future relationships. Abuse, Forgive, Repeat. The only difference is that lately, I haven’t been forgiving him and he is the one that just forgets what he has done, makes zero changes, and does it all over again. His pattern is more like: Abuse, Apologize, Forget, Repeat. It’s an ugly, ugly, UGLY, pattern, and I don’t want to live this out forever. I am a huge advocate for therapy. I have never done it myself, but I believe we all have major shit that goes on in our lives and we don’t know how to handle it on our own. Whether it be a death, infidelity, or an abusive family member, I believe getting guidance from a professional is a great place to start your healing. With traumatic experiences comes depression, anxiety, both, or more. It is so important to talk about our experiences because that is where the healing begins. If you aren’t ready to talk to a professional, talk to your family, or even your friends. I am fortunate enough to have my family to talk to, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Getting perspective from somebody outside of it all, like a friend, can also give you a healthy insight. But sometimes that can be difficult because it’s hard for them to relate to the situation. This is why I am considering going to Al-Anon meetings before I try out therapy. I want to hear other peoples stories and how they cope with it. I want to hear stories first before I share mine. It’s a great way to start and begin the healing process.

[mylifewithanalcoholic]

November 26, 2018

Hello. My Name Is Erin and this is my life living with an alcoholic. I am no writer, but recently I have found writing as a good outlet to express myself. I was going to start this blog, or journal, or whatever you want to call it about a month ago, but I never got around to it, until today. I actually should have started this a long time ago, but here I am. Currently it is 12:20 AM and about two hours ago, my father stumbled in drunk and shattered a bottle of scotch at the front door. Because I didn’t help with his mess, I was in return called a bitch and was told to go fuck myself multiple times and to also go cut myself. This isn’t the first time I have been emotionally abused like this. I have actually been living with this type of behavior since I can remember. Trust me, I know this isn’t normal, but it’s the norm for almost everyone who lives with a raging alcoholic. Let me give you a little background on my father. He grew up with a father, just like him, who showed no love towards him growing up. His father (my grandfather) started a liquor business, which was passed down to my Dad who now has been running it for 40 years. Now that I have painted the picture for you, it’s pretty obvious on how his alcoholism has came about and why he still struggles with it daily. It’s nearly impossible to get an alcoholic to stop drinking who makes a living off of it. He is what you call a “Functioning Alcoholic”. For those who don’t know, a functioning alcoholic is someone who can still participate in daily tasks, such as go to work everyday, but still have a major drinking problem. It’s actually harder to confront a functioning alcoholic about their problem because they don’t believe that their drinking is affecting their life, but it is. Even more so, its negatively affecting the people closest to them. Take it from me who has been dealing with it for the past 23 years of my life. I hope that in someway, me writing this, gives anyone who also struggles with a family member’s addiction the courage to keep fighting for themselves and knows that they are not alone. There is a lot of us and our struggle is important and needs to be heard more often.