I guess I am writing again. I have gotten to the point where I can’t just sit and write out my feelings. I guess I still have this overwhelming fear that someone will actually read this and then my world will come crashing down around me. Then I realize that there is no where for it to crash. I have already too low. I have hit rock bottom and I have reached for the shovel I guess.
Interesting fact. I can’t even really type this out while looking at the screen. I am filled with so much shame over so many different aspects of my life that I can’t see my worries, and struggles, written or typed out on paper because it just serves as a constant reminder that I am not okay. I keep seeing all of these post on here that say stuff like, “ I’m not okay and thats fine” or other encouraging things like that but that just does not stick with me. I can’t take a compliment of any sort, Even though i desperately long for other peoples approval and praise, if I ever get it I freak out and immediately reject it as if the person is lying to me. I want so bad to be able to feel loved but I have shut out people for so long that I can’t open back up again.
As stupid as it sounds, I listen to the other people around me go on and on about their relationships or their random hookups and it bothers me. I won’t say it disgusts me but there is something that bothers me. It’s like I am envious of the fact that they have had a relationship with another human being and here I am just sitting here begging to be loved and then shutting everyone out when they try to. I used to think that I was just a little sad here and then but when it feels like this so much, I know it’s not that simple.
I feel like I could write for hours some days and other days I know I couldn’t bring myself to type a single word. It doesn’t matter too much because no one is going to read this but I can’t stop writing it anyway. I guess It might help a little bit in the long run but right now I feel like it’s pointless. This unfiltered typing of randomness isn’t anything someone wants to read. I am not contributing anything positive to the world but instead i am dragging it down with my own negativity and depression. Which then just makes me feel worse about myself.
I often wonder what if feels like to have someone be in love with you or even to just have a crush on you. Like having someone who wakes up in the morning and they want to text you a good morning just so that you know they are thinking about you, or someone that goes to bed each night wondering what you are doing or if you think about them like they think about you. I want someone who when something good, something bad, or even something indifferent happens in their life immediately wants to tell you about it just because you are the person they want to share whats going in their life. Like to be that important to someone that their eyes light up at the sound of your name. I want someone to notice me. I want someone who will have a conversation with me that I do not have to start.
I only take a fleeting satisfaction in the work that I do as well. I don’t make people happy. I am not doing anything worthwhile. I have made no positive influence in anyone’s life and that bothers me. It really does. What’s the purpose of even being here if you are not going to contribute and make other people’s lives better?
I can think of a thousand different quotes that could sum up at least some of my feelings but I would like to keep this blog or journal, or whatever you would like to call it as much of me as possible. I want this to be my venting spot. Tomorrow is my day off and I have no idea what I am going to do. I know that I need to get out of the house and do something but the thought of doing that gives me chills because I know that I am only going to end up at work doing pointless things because i feel like I have no where else to go, or just sitting home alone wallowing in my own self pity.
I need to figure out why It is that I can’t let anyone into my life, why I am so messed up, and why no one loves me besides my family. I constantly feel like I don’t really have any friends at all despite the fact that there are a few. I am constantly beating myself up for ruining and sabotaging friendships in the past and for hurting people who were close to me an only meant well and who did nothing wrong to me. Yet I still beat myself up to no end about it. I can never forgive myself for that., Even though I have tried apologizing in the past and it lead to nothing.
The question that is always asked in my life is something along the lines of, “Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years?”. Out loud my response is something explaining how I have not quite decided but inside I am terrified because I can’t see myself that far in the future. I have such a hard time just dealing with my day to day depression that I can’t plan that far in the future. If it is more than a month away then I can’t even begin to face it. I am constantly worried I am going to die alone and that is a real fathomable fear that consumes my mind daily…
