It looks like the new "Lilo and Stitch" has had a lukewarm response. I think I have a far superior vision for the franchise and Disney should hire me to bring it to reality. Here are a few bullet points ->
The movie is set in Hawaii, but filmed in the suburbs of Portland, Oregon in a limited set of locations. "Mount Hood" makes for a great lookalike of Mauna Kea, and the rivers can be passes as the seas of Hawaii if you just slant the camera down a little.
Lilo and Nani are played by white American actors. The only thing that suggests they're Hawaiian is a plastic tiki statue in their greige living room.
All acting is completely dead pan. The camera is either still or handheld. Colors are grey. There is no music.
"Stitch" is a human in this version! He is a 27 year old ratfaced drug-dealer, who escapes from a prison at the beginning of the film. "Stitch" is his nickname from the streets.
"Stitch" finds himself in a dog adoption center, where Lilo and Nani adopt him from. They somehow think he is just a normal dog, when he is in fact a convicted felon.
Lilo and "Stitch" are never seen together in the same shot. Most of the film is just Lilo doing things by herself while talking to "Stitch", who is completely offscreen and no indication that he exists is given.
Every time Stitch appears on screen, he is only pictured from shoulders up as a portrait. He is staring straight at the camera. Sometime, he gurgles. Some times, he whispers to the viewer.
Lilo performs a ritual, where she tells a doll it should come to life and gives it detailed instructions on how to commit murder.
The setting is obviously Portland and there is no indication it is Hawaii. Nobody has mentioned it since the film started. It is early autumn and the leaves are falling.
Jumba and Pleakley are Just Humans™. They are undercover cops trying to find "Stitch".
Pleakley apparently is a normal American name.
Nani disappears from the film halfway in. She simply stops appearing in scenes. It's just Lilo and "Stitch" now.
Lilo and "Stitch" go for a trek to the mountain. They meet a man who introduces himself "Captain Gantu", and then walks away.
5 minutes of footage of the beautiful and pristine nature of Hawaii, filmed at some bushes around Portlands suburbs. A camera is submerged in the Portland river to film some fishes, authentically portraying the beauty of Hawaii's coral reefs.
The film ends in 2 minutes of "Stitch" quietly and slowly, in a hushed voice, talking about how Disney fans love him. He is randomly swearing and gurgling in between sentences.
Credits roll. There is no music.
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