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@mymixtapemelody
It sure has been a hot minute since I posted on here!! Idk life was kinda kicking my butt. Now I’m kicking back! I have soo much to say but just getting it out of my head is a whole process. I spend most of my time worried about how ppl will take what I say or who will get offended. Yet it continues to weigh on me. Slowly I will make my way out of the shadows and into the light I wanna stand in!!
Give me the not so perfect man
Give me the aspiring man
Give me a trustworthy and loyal man
I have found that most woman expect for men to be perfect. Have everything in order. It’s a beautiful thing when they do! However if they don’t that’s ok too. As long as they are trying to do so. Not all of us woman have it together! We may even think we do but reality is we don’t we are not always perfect.
I want a man that even from across the room he feels our energy!!
I have seen sooo many people taking that leap of faith!! Just risking it all for what they want to do. It shows me we all have grown so much!! I’m beyond proud of the people I know or grew up with succeeding in life and in health and all things positive!!
In the last year and a half. I have lost 2 brothers. loosing them brought back soo many emotions I thought I buried a long time ago. Life has its own way or giving you a reality check.
My Deepest goal in life is to be here for my kids!! I lost what has for a long time felt like 2 parents a long time ago. My oldest is about to turn 16!! Then follows 11/ and 10 and last but not least 7. I want to be here for them as long as I can!!
I want to put my story out there but for now I’ll just make random post that to some will look like a rant for others they will be able to relate!!
#Growth
February & March, are my most emotional months of the year every year.
February
My dad passed away 2/18/2001 😮 21 years ago,
One of the things I have learned how to process and move forward from is Death. I really didn’t notice this until a year ago when my Brother passed. Death is definite and infinite. Your here and then your not. You decide how to live in the between(-) and how you want to be remembered. My much older siblings always said I would say MY Dad as if he wasn’t theirs too. Looking back of course he was but in my time he was a man trying to make peace with his life while still living it and so many other things. He was open with me in a way I really can’t explain. A young kid with a mind of an adult. My niece always said I was GROWN. Looking back now as an adult he was showing me how to survive and stand tall even in the storm. I LOVE YOU DADDY!
March
My Moms Birthday is 3/20/1948
She was 40 when she had me. It’s been 18 years since I last saw my mom and 19 years since I lived with her. In March I always tend to be just a bit in my head. There are so many unknowns. Trying to process this Abandonment is very much still a struggle for me. I think of her often. More and more as my daughters grow. I don’t even know if she is still living. That’s the hardest thing for me the unknown.
The purest thing!
If I give you all of me it means you have given me all of you! I’ve lived life . Can you live life like that even thru the pain or the bad?
Nobody’s stories are always as good as you think. We smile thru the pain. At this stage of your life you have learned. You have felt you have loss. Life is something you have to live. It’s not always gonna be pretty. I learned that so early. I have been there. I have struggled felt the unfairness life has to offer. Can you love me thru my pain too? Can you give me all of you purely? That’s what I truly search for! I want what I have missed! Will you STAY? truly stay?
I have always felt alone. Until I had my own children I had forgotten what a full pure love felt like in a long time. I’m so grateful for them and their resilience. I want so much for them to have the things I felt they needed forgetting I was all they needed. If you want me you will take a knee for me! I want someone who feels like time slows down when Im around. I want the i need you you need me type of love. I want that I couldn’t see life with out you in it type of love. I felt it once and it’s been the missing piece in my life.
The purest thing is love for one another! ❤️
You know that thing called life? I think of life like the board game candy land. When your playing it as a kid all you see are the bright colors and loopy loops and all you wanna do is win the game. Sound familiar?
In the beginning you see life as it comes free as a bird with no regrets no biases just you on your path. As you age you begin to actually see what living a life really means. You also learn the emotions within it.
LIVE LOVE LEARN LOSS!!!
I think we all start out life trying to speed up living. First it’s I can’t wait til I’m 18!! Then It’s I can’t wait to turn 21!! Then you goes silent for a lil while then boom it’s OH DAMN IM 30!!
See by this point you have done those 4 BIG beautiful words. You have experienced each of them in many different ways and at many different times. Now at 30 your reflecting on those times. Where you are in life and what you have survived that you thought you wouldn’t. See it’s catching back up with you… that thing called life. For me it’s my kids that remind me just how far I come. They are all staggering in age and approaching those milestone ages that I prayed to be able to see. My biggest personal goal for my kids is to be here at least to see the adults they become. Sure you want to live forever but for some their forever could be 2 years old 16 or 45. Not all of us will get the blessing to live til we are in our 80’s or 90’s .
The end comes and all that’s left is your Legacy!! The story of your life and how you lived it. The Love you gave and what you have taught the next generation. What will your legacy say of you?
There are times when you get caught up on the what if’s of life. What if I had made a better decision? What if I had stayed with him or her? What if I moved? What if I said this instead? The what if’s could go on and on. Sometimes those what if’s are for you to reflect on things sometimes they are there to give you the feeling of euphoria. Always remember you have to keep looking and living forward in life don’t let the what if’s stall you !!
You will know when you truly have grown up when you just let things be. You tend to hear the quote”every action doesn’t need a reaction” and unless you truly have or are growing within yourself that will go in one ear and out the other.
It takes a conscious mind to not react when deep down you know you want to. People tell me all the time I let things go too much. For me it’s a conscious choice. I could choose to react to every thing big or little immediately or I could consciously not do so. Believe me when I say I ALWAYS want to react and within my circle I do fuss and vent about things. However publicly or to those who did the wrong I choose to let it be. I choose to not bring myself down. Why let them win? When all you have to do is adjust accordingly. If the action or offense is redundant then move on. Accept what it is and carry on. No harm no foul just simple 123!
Us!! 😍😘😍😘😍 https://www.instagram.com/p/CSVZQPXjlS9UEHOd7wqFmJH1aL4uXMtcVm8Fmw0/?utm_medium=tumblr
The hardest thing about being a parent is allowing your kids to have their own truths. Kids form their own opinions and views as they get older things they will do, things they won’t do ,things they might do. This goes for what they say and how they say it aswell. My oldest is approaching her older age stage of teenage life . As she has gotten older she has shown me sooo much! Her strength is beyond this world. I say she gets some of that from me but most of it is her own. Adults seem to forget kids go thru all kinds of stuff. I know I did lord have mercy I sure did!
My advice to parents. LISTEN to your kids. Don’t just dismiss their views or opinions. Have them explain it to you. If you absolutely need to give feedback give it but remember they may still have their view or opinion. Life’s too short for kids to be keeping everything in cause they are scared of you.
You know sometimes I go against my own mind and try something or allow something to happen just to see if I’m wrong. Yet time and time again I only prove myself right! Learn to go with your first mind and all times! 95% of the time it’s never wrong!
It’s something about Acceptance!! When I say this its not to take away from Awareness! When you choose to take on other’s energies your choosing to accept them as is and as you should but choose who the ones you give your extra lives to. I have always approached life as is !! It is what it is!! Life happens! People mess up! People do Good! It’s all about how you choose to see them! Can you look past color,race,gender!! Love YOURSELF Be You!! Don’t apologize to anyone for anything. If they accept you they respect you too!
For me the summer is the best time for family!! After a school year of Hussle and bussel between school,work activities kid filled/ scruntched weekends. These 2 month open the doors to living life and still having time to do things with kids and family and not feel stressed about it. I encourage everyone take time this summer reflect recenter and recover and enjoy life!! You want to loose that weight go for it. You want to start a business go for it. You just want to organize things and get things back in order in your life do it!! Reclaim yourself your life and your wants and needs. #2021 #summer
I’ve learned to choose to be at my happiest as best as possible. Life too short and we all getting older. I don’t want to look back at my life and say dam I wasted so much time or dam I was always angry or upset. We gonna go thru things in life that’s normal past present and future. It’s the decision to choose to push thru and make the best of anything you come across of have to deal with.
7 years ago today I gave birth to the final puzzle piece of my life! Khorus Calvin Rayleon !! Boy ohh Boy do you drive me and the girls absolutely crazy!! Only boy of the house!! When I found out you were a boy my heart was complete!! My little math wiz. Your slowly growing into your own style and it’s wonderful to be here to watch. From beat boxing to fidgets to tik tok to hoverboards this boy here is always doing something 🤦♀️ 😬! Sky isn’t even the limit my dear Boy!! Cheers to many more birthdays my love! I love you sooo much! Happy 7th Birthday ! #khorusthetaurus https://www.instagram.com/p/CPGWsWij1UXdYe0uVlAyWVdJtMsflI3Yqp9cp00/?utm_medium=tumblr
It’s in the smallest moments that the volume is high!! Sometimes it takes stepping back and letting things flow for you to see the REALEST things right in front of you!! #sticktotheplan #knowyourworth #theyarewatching https://www.instagram.com/p/CO4aoxCDuCMzedBRVUB5lPP1OZOnc5U-Iy9cC00/?igshid=qqwvxsi82un2
It’s life right?!! Things happen?!! Keep Pushing?!!
These could be taken as question and statements.
The journey of life Was never ment to be planned or perfect it was ment to be lived! The decisions you make are what quide you on that path but your choices define you.
Today’s is Mother’s Day! Yeah I know In the world of mom it’s Mother’s Day everyday but today is the official day. 🤣
My beautiful baby’s gave me personal cards they wrote for me. They have done this before but this year it really felt different. After the year and a half of pushing forward and making decisions that changed our family dynamic. As a mom I couldn’t help but think of how much things changing would or had affected them.
Their cards and kind words made everything I pushed to achieve for them that much more worth it. They just don’t know I would not be who I am today with out them. Having to make difficult choices to stay true to them.
I became a mom almost 15 years ago. 😳 wow even writing that just seems crazy. 4 beautiful melodies of my life later and I could not be more grateful for them.
To my new moms and to my OG moms Happy Mother’s Day!! The best advice I can give as a mom is don’t count yourself out! Life is happening and you can’t control all the things in it so make the best of it. Sometimes you may feel lost or just plan tired. It’s normal just keep pushing!! Keep your head held high! Don’t fall into how the world wants you to raise your kiddos. Raise them as you see fit! NEVER second guess your decisions especially if it’s to fit others views or opinions. Most of all give them all you got!! They are your legacy your story your life story.