he promised me a chance but it felt like he never really meant it
we went out, tried to feel normal nigiri for lunch, bowling after small moments that were supposed to bring us closer but they only reminded me how far apart we already were
he agreed with everything I said but not in care or love just in absence as if nothing I said truly mattered as if he was waiting for it all to end waiting to go home, to drink a beer, to leave
I looked into his eyes searching for love, warmth, the person I knew the goofy, playful one the one who kissed me the one who held me like I mattered but I couldn’t see him there anymore only a tired, sad, empty person someone who doesn’t feel me anymore
he said he’s trying but I only see sadness and detachment like his feelings already left long before he did
I panicked my chest tight, my head spinning my body trembling, vertigo taking over I couldn’t even enjoy the bowling he played alone and I hated myself hated my weakness hated how helpless I felt
this was the first day of our last days and it was failing over and over but I kept trying anyway praying silently hoping for something small a hug a smile a word to remind me he still cared
and there was a moment just one moment when he smiled at the nigiri because he loves it so much but said he preferred something else and I felt like I failed again but that little smile so fleeting was mine to enjoy and I held onto it
like a tiny spark in a storm because it was the only good thing in a day full of heartbreak
the truth is I still love him but I can’t see any love for me anymore his eyes tell me “I’m done, I’m tired, I don’t want this”
and still I hope that one day he’ll pull me close and say he loves me more than anything like I still imagine like I still dream
but today he’s gone even if he’s here
-unchosenme
