My Mystique Mind

Controversial Honest Thoughts About Life

[mymystiquemind]

I'm proud of myself for intuitively realizing the cycle and choosing not to have kids myself. We, humans, are only so good to a certain extent. Parenting looks pretty stressful and raising a human comes with unconscious repetition of toxic behavior that just keeps perpetuating itself like that whole idea of tough love and bullying. Everything starts at home and then we wonder why our world is so callous, stressful and we are all hating so much. We learn to hate, we can only improve ourselves so much until we start to become what was before us. Further, we are so stressed because there are way too many of us now. We can't help but be stressed. We are beyond overcapacity. It's not just our stress we are picking up on, but something much bigger. As much as they say it's not good to be alone, it's also not good to be overstimulated. This rat race is suffocating. But we want to pretend it's not when the truth is wearing on us so loudly.

[mymystiquemind]

Maybe, when the time comes, it won't be so bad. Sure, the thought of death makes me uncertain, but, rest from life is necessary. Life is rough. Life is exhausting. Life is a constant energy routine and sleep isn't recharging enough. So, at some point, my body will need to lay down. Rest will be just. This isn't even coming from a place of self-harm, not even at all. Just the realization that as sad as death is, it is also so needed when the right time comes. I just hate how it sometimes happens violently or traumatically. And when we die, if there is nothing worthwhile at the end, no explanation at the end of it, then damn, this life was futile after all. But at least there is rest from it all. I guess.

[annieskywalker]

💸 Abundance flows to me with ease 💚 I attract all forms of green into my life 🔮 The Universe works in my favor

Have a blessed day everyone! ✨🐍

[mymystiquemind]

Meanwhile, in my sexual identity process

As I continue to explore myself and doing more research, the following labels make sense or resonate with me in some way to a certain extent:

Asexual

Sexpositive asexual

Demisexual

Sexpositive demisexual

What I am learning about each of the above in terms of myself:

I feel asexual lately because I wouldn't necessarily my interest in sex is that of, "ew," it's more so that my interest in it is very low lately. I am not against sex -- as long as it's loving and legal -- I just am not interested. Coming from a background of being very sexually active, perhaps this asexuality is me stepping into the reality that I didn't need all that sex to validate me or to prove something to myself. Not that I am shaming my past self, but I am in a completely opposite experience where sex isn't all that important and that's a place of growth and I am all for that.

Sexpositive Asexual means even though I don't want to be involved with anybody sexually, I still am positive toward sex. I am not repulsed by it however, I am not comfortable with porn lately and I need to honor that boundary as it speaks to me.

I still desire romance, I am open to that but do not want sex to be expected for a while. My attraction to people lately has been based on their mind and their spirit, but I still don't want to have sex, though it may cross my mind.

Again, at some point, when the mental/emotional connection is right with someone after being friends for a while, because I am demi and I am sex positive, I will at some point want to become sexually involved exclusively with that person for as long as time and mutual desire allows.

I am proud of myself for having restraint and the strength to challenge my sexuality after feeling like it was standing on a cracked foundation the whole time. I look back and realize that, at time, I was obnoxious about sex and having grace toward myself is allowing me to realize, I was young and still had a long way to go. I'm evolving.

I like androgyny in fashion and it makes my blood rush and it is all triggered by the memory of someone saying one of my modeling photos came across androgynous and I remembered not feeling offended or confused by that opinion.

I would love to have a friend that I can chill with, smoke with, and have deep conversations with innocent hearts and imagination. Whatever I would be doing alone, I would want to do with someone who equally enjoys passing time in that way.

i am on a beautiful journey.

[mymystiquemind]

Tarot Cards

I am looking forward to my new set of tarot cards arriving in the mail in a couple days. Will start giving out intuitive readings for a steal of a deal.

After having a religious trauma relapse, I have embraced teh fact that I am still very drawn to tarot and the intuitive gifts so I will start up again and put my intuitive gift to work.

Time for abundance.

[ripe]

oregonzoo on ig

[mymystiquemind]

I'm conflicted. Here is the succession of my thoughts and feelings while watching this precious video:

* Look how carefree that bear is

* This can't be real because why would a real bear allow a human to tape it without harm?

* It's not real. It can't be real. It's gotta be someone in a bear suit. [Bear licks it's feet] -- uh, bear suits aren't that good.

* Holy shit. This is a real bear enjoying the present moment.....but,how? How is that dude walking around getting that other angle? Dude, did they raise the bear(s)?

* Nature is wonderful! I need to get serious about traveling once it's safe to do so again. I want to explore every road, forest, tree and breathe different air.

[mymystiquemind]

Tumblr browsing is great for an early, early morning calm wake n bake. -Mystique

[mymystiquemind]

I love you, Mary Jane. - Rick Jame

[mymystiquemind]

Reuniting with Mary Jane

It has been 4 months since I got evicted and was crashing at a friend's house for a month and rebuilt my life again. I stopped smoking weed around that time because I was broke and I needed to take a break from it and focus on getting stable and on my feet again. I have missed it so much and I will be enjoying some Mary Jane tomorrow. I got some edibles and some Stiizy!!! Cheers!!!!!!!!!!!

[mymystiquemind]

I'll be the one to say it

you're the one that brought me here. I didn't choose to be created. You exposed me to the harms and evils of this world. Having me was a selfish thing. It didn't have anything to do with God, like you say it did. You did not use your best judgment. After all the things you went through, knowing the evils in this world, and yet you still decided to bring me here, shows how irresponsible you are. I live in fear everyday. That is not my fault. The whole world is pushing this "think positive" culture to gaslight the real truth. The truth that I am starting to speak out about. The truth we all feel but are too complicit to admit. Having children is a selfish thing. Not having them is conscious and wise. Until this world is safe, we are endangering those who had no say. Am I saying you should have offed me in your womb? I'm saying, I never once got pregnant in my life, but you did it 3 times. And one day, I will die. So what was the point in creating me when death is the ultimate injustice I have to anticipate every day? This is a disgusting and painful world. Why the fuck would I allow myself to get pregnant. I couldn't bare it. This is just part of my truth.

[kristina100000]

this is insane no words…… @devilishbri on twitter

[mymystiquemind]

Some mistakes aren't clear until it's too late. I regret phone sex work. Those lines shouldn't be anonymous. Because now, the authorities can't do anything about it. Some days I'm fine and then out of nowhere, trauma hits. If my mind is hurting just by men revealing things I wish I never knew, I can only imagine how the victims feel. I am also traumatized by my inability to unfreeze while these men dumped on me, gloated and bragged. The same response I had when I was almost kidnapped. Why did my body freeze? It's a shame that there are families out there that do these things and the moms don't even stop it from happening. Worthlessness continues to breed. The authorities want you to report it but they expect more details that anonymous phone sex lines don't require predators to give. They say there is a silver lining in everything. Sure, it lead me to be more sexually reserved and healthy but at the same time, the law doesn't really care. The predators have outsmarted the system and the system remains stuck on stupid.

[zeebraless-deactivated20220409]

Nia Dennis, from UCLA, 2021 Floor Exercise

We love to see it.😎

[blackexcellence]

“Black culture is not really recognized or known in the sport of gymnastics, so it was really important to me to bring that into the light of gymnastics”

-Nia Dennis, Collegiate Gymnast

[intoxi-skate]

LOVE love LOVE love LOVE love

[crystallizedkiki-deactivated202]

BLACK FUCKING EXCELLENCE MY LORDDDD

[mymystiquemind]

Yes, SIS!!!!!!

[mymystiquemind]

Self-soothing

When I was excessively masturbating, I realize now that it was self-soothing. Self-soothing is good but everything in moderation. It has been a couple months since I self-soothed with weed. I miss it. If my first paycheck from my second job looks any good, I will treat myself. I want to take it back to the first time I got high. November of 2014, I had an edible. It was amazing. I want that feeling again. I want to enjoy myself a little more. Ironically, I had an edible a week ago and I forgot about it. Because it had zero effect on me.

I want to romance myself. Dim the lights, take a bite, touch my flesh order some good food, turn on some sweet music, and enjoy the ride.

It's all about me.

[mymystiquemind]

Somewhere Between Asexual, Intro-sexual and Not Interested

For a few months now, I have been exploring what I am. At first I was celibate. I didn't desire others, I didn't desire myself. This is a huge diversion from my former self. I wouldn't say I'm totally celibate, I wouldn't say I'm Asexual. Is there something in-between? I only please myself if needed, as an outlet, a release. A self-stimulating massage. I want only myself. To pleasure myself and include no one else into or near my body. I am completely uninterested in others. I am no longer dependent on excessive masturbation. I am loving where I am. My sexuality is all about me. It's all about self-love. Others simply turn me off. Is it trauma based? I enjoy just being to myself. I enjoy having self-control over my urges. I enjoy a lower libido, essentially. I enjoy that this is mine and mine alone. That it has nothing to do with anyone outside of me. That I am my own best lover.

I think I am starting over again. I am consciously rediscovering who I am. I may have grown away from the lack of sexual boundaries, the excessive need to fuck. I think the hoe in me is dead now. The slut has died. She was born out of fear and a lack of sexual understanding. She grew up in a religious, fearful, shameful environment that had the same negative effect on her as someone who was groomed and sexually violated as a child. No self-control, urges that were overpowering. Lack of boundaries looks like parents who were so scared that they instilled an absolute fear of sex and sexual desires much like the same effect those who have been sexually abused also lack a sense of boundaries and then turn toward repeating the same behavior. I repeated the fear and the fear expressed itself as an excessive attraction to sex. I slept around and I look back at myself and I cringe because I didn't know any better. Sex isn't wrong per se, but it can be expressed in a way that makes sex undesirable. I'm at peace in this neutral space and I love not wanting any sexual validation. I don't want love or romance. I just want myself. When I do feel like it, I make it something beautiful. I turn on music, I don't want porn, I think of music and art and create a safe world where my body is safe from anyone or anything who is defiled, depraved and thoughts that are invasive and traumatic. I create another world where I feel safe with myself. I think positive affirmations and teach myself that self-love is healthy and to enjoy it for a long time. I'm reframing my sexuality by my own terms, my own definition.

[mymystiquemind]

The night off

Tomorrow I have a night off. A night off to relax from the second job. I keep pushing forward.

[mymystiquemind]

Revelation

I recognize now the early onset of feeling like I am always being dumped on without regard to my needs.  As a child, my mother would always use me as a sounding board for all of her frustration with my dad.  A mother should not be venting to her kid about her kid’s dad.  I wasn’t allowed to be a child.  I was a target.  It would just happen out of nowhere.  I felt burdened by it.  I grew up with a lack of healthy boundaries and I would receive emotional manipulation if I expressed that I didn’t want to hear it. It was always a guilt trip or she would continue to do it still.  I learned that my boundaries didn’t matter.  Now, to this day, after a childhood of getting dumped on by a toxic mother and then friends and strangers would do the same throughout my life after being conditioned by my mother, I have lost sight of what is happening.  It’s not healthy to just go up to someone you don’t know and start revealing very troubling feelings without asking them if it’s okay. It is not justified by, “I just feel so comfortable talking to you,” or, “You’re so easy to talk to.”  And then walk away from that person leaving that trauma with them.  These consistent nightmares are back again to reveal that to me, I think.  

It’s something that troubles me.  I work a job that has nothing to do with counseling yet people, who can’t even see me over the phone, will just start going on and on about shit I don’t want to hear about.  Or a coworker who just met me, starts this verbal diarrhea of random details that I wish I never knew about their life.  I recognize that when this is happening I freeze.  That is a trauma response and I am recognizing that now.  Some where hidden in my psyche I learned and essentially was programmed to respond in a way that makes me feel inferior to other people’s problems.  I think I understand now why I am so annoyed with a co-worker and why I have used the coping mechanism of humor in response to her.  She is just like my mother and gets frustrated if I don’t want to hear her many stories that she just has to disclose to us at work.  I am beyond exhausted because she lacks boundaries and doesn’t respect anyone else’s boundaries.  

I am sick of assholes like this and there are too many of you.  Stop being toxic and chicken shit by dumping onto strangers and people you are not close to, because you are too worthless to go get professional help.  Stop damaging other people with your shit!!!  Stop being so fucking messy!!  There is no difference between using others to make you feel good and a sexual predator using a minor for their own selfish gain.  It’s fucking SELFISH!!  “But I feel so much better now that I told you,”  is bullshit because now you just burdened someone else and passed your trauma onto them just so YOU can feel better with no regard to that person you used for your own need. FUCK YOU!