Somewhere Between Asexual, Intro-sexual and Not Interested
For a few months now, I have been exploring what I am. At first I was celibate. I didn't desire others, I didn't desire myself. This is a huge diversion from my former self. I wouldn't say I'm totally celibate, I wouldn't say I'm Asexual. Is there something in-between? I only please myself if needed, as an outlet, a release. A self-stimulating massage. I want only myself. To pleasure myself and include no one else into or near my body. I am completely uninterested in others. I am no longer dependent on excessive masturbation. I am loving where I am. My sexuality is all about me. It's all about self-love. Others simply turn me off. Is it trauma based? I enjoy just being to myself. I enjoy having self-control over my urges. I enjoy a lower libido, essentially. I enjoy that this is mine and mine alone. That it has nothing to do with anyone outside of me. That I am my own best lover.
I think I am starting over again. I am consciously rediscovering who I am. I may have grown away from the lack of sexual boundaries, the excessive need to fuck. I think the hoe in me is dead now. The slut has died. She was born out of fear and a lack of sexual understanding. She grew up in a religious, fearful, shameful environment that had the same negative effect on her as someone who was groomed and sexually violated as a child. No self-control, urges that were overpowering. Lack of boundaries looks like parents who were so scared that they instilled an absolute fear of sex and sexual desires much like the same effect those who have been sexually abused also lack a sense of boundaries and then turn toward repeating the same behavior. I repeated the fear and the fear expressed itself as an excessive attraction to sex. I slept around and I look back at myself and I cringe because I didn't know any better. Sex isn't wrong per se, but it can be expressed in a way that makes sex undesirable. I'm at peace in this neutral space and I love not wanting any sexual validation. I don't want love or romance. I just want myself. When I do feel like it, I make it something beautiful. I turn on music, I don't want porn, I think of music and art and create a safe world where my body is safe from anyone or anything who is defiled, depraved and thoughts that are invasive and traumatic. I create another world where I feel safe with myself. I think positive affirmations and teach myself that self-love is healthy and to enjoy it for a long time. I'm reframing my sexuality by my own terms, my own definition.
