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16/10/25

It’s 10:30 pm, I’m listening to Euclid by Sleep Token, and I’m laying I granny’s bed.

So, granny is in hospital. She has fluid building up in her lungs which is making it hard to breath, also she has Covid… she got it from the hospital… lol. I feel for her man, she went in last Thursday and was kept there all weekend without a doctor even seeing her. She had no idea what the plan was or what the actin plan was or anything. Oh and they didn’t have any proper space for her so she was put in a makeshift spot in the frailty ward. It was kinda heartbreaking going to see her because basically all the patients around her were elderly people with severe dementia. Hearing them call out for people who weren’t coming, and constantly asking for help only to not know or realise what they needed help for once it arrived was devastating. I think about those people and I hope they find peace soon. Granny is in her own room at the hospital now thankfully so she will at least be more relaxed.

The reason I’m in granny’s bed at her home is because someone needs to be here for jazzy, the cat. I stayed last night too, she woke me up 20 mins after I fell asleep cause she was puking, then an hour later she woke me up climbing on my head, then a few hours later she woke me up purring by my head, then an hour before I was due up for work she woke me up being sick again. Was wonderful. Tonight there seems to be no sign of puke but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Amelia’s granny is also in the hospital. I don’t know what for yet but she was in recently for a minor heart attack so I’m PRAYING it’s not that again. She’s an amazing woman, I really need to learn Norwegian so I can talk to her man. I really enjoy her company even with the language barrier though, she’s so cheery and cute. She genuinely lights up the room!

Amelia said she’s struggling a lot today. It’s that time of year where it starts to come back, the seasonal depression. Everyone gets a bit down in the winter, sure, but try living with actual depression whilst living in a place where the sun disappears for months at a time, it’s not so good. It’s so difficult trying to be there for someone when all you can do is text, or snap, or call. I can’t do any of the meaningful things I’d love to do. All I want to do is drive round after work and surprise her, but I can’t. She’s strong though, she’s made it through before and she’ll keep making it through. I believe in her and I’m proud of her :) also, she’s coming to the uk in 11 days, I can not fuckin WAIT. I’ve picked up loads of overtime but keeping them as banked days rather than being paid for them so I can have a makeshift holiday week and go back to Norway with her! BUZZING

08/10/2025

Alrighty, lets try this blogging thing for the umpteenth time...

I'm sitting at my pc in the leento, having just got back from seeing Granny, listening to Death Cup by Mom Jeans.

The last 3 years have been fairly eventful I suppose. Lets start with my well-being. I was unemployed and in a pit of "existence" to be honest. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I was there, at the bare minimum, I existed. The one thing that helped me keep going, even if it was to get out of bed every day, was the fact that my PC was downstairs. Without my PC I couldn't game, and without being able to game, I couldn't spend any time with Amelia. At a time where even just existing was proving hard, she truly was my motivation to do more. Without her, I wouldn't have wanted to get a job, its kind of hard trying to start a new relationship with someone in another country without money you know!

I eventually got a job as a bus driver. It isn't the most glamorous job, it's hardly a dream job either, but it's just about the best paid job I can get without any qualifications, it is literally a means to an end. Fortunately, it has a good 4 day rota that I am on which enables me to have 6 days off without losing any hours. This is what allows me to go to Norway as much as I can. Bus driving is okay for the most part. It's nice having a job that allows you to leave everything at the end of your shift, you don't have to bring anything home obviously. But the down sides are fairly long, dealing with the general public of course is never nice, let alone when its some of the worst echelons of the general public. I do find myself becoming more and more bitter and miserable as time goes on. I truly hope that in the next few years I will be doing something else. But honestly I have no idea what.

We lost our dog, Squishy. Well, we didn't lose him. We put him to sleep. 17 years old, what an absolute legend. It had reached the point where his dementia had really started to take a scary turn. For most of his day he would sleep, when he wasn't sleeping he was restless and scared. It broke our hearts to go through with it but it felt like the nicest and best thing to do. I'll never forget that day, my brother was holding him in his arms as the injection was given, with all of us in the room to be there for Squish. Squish was looking at me as the injection took effect, I was stroking his head and trying to give him the warmest, most relaxing look I could give, as the last thing he'd see. Once he was dead, I held him one last time, it was really hard giving him up. The vets were really cool about it and gave us all a shaving of his fur, and an ink press of his paws.

I was going to fill in more but honestly I can already feel my brain begging to procrastinate and urging me to move on to another task, so for now this is it! I am really going to try and post more, I really want to be able to look back and actually remember things man I do feel like my memory is shit for basic day to day things.

CHEERS

23/11/2022

I’m sat here, having just come back from a driving assessment for Tescos, listening to Never Meant by American Football. I am stressed.

So after a night of 3 hours sleep, I was up super early to go for a driving assessment for Tescos, to see if I was GOOD ENOUGH. It went badly, oh so badly. The second I left the initial space I hit a curb, then proceeded to hit two more curbs throughout the assessment. The van was so big and the roads quite small but god damn I should’ve been more focused man. The guy at the end said it’s not the end of the world, cause at least I recognised it and knew the answer on how to prevent it happening again but I’m almost certain I’ve fucked it! Which probably means I’ll have to get a job in a fuckin restaurant or pub somewhere which I just didn’t want to have to do AGAIN.

My sulky mood didn’t last long, the girl I’m talking to saw to that. She’s too good at cheering me up and not letting me sulk, it’s almost frustrating man. I low-key was looking forward to moping all day but she snapped me out of it! Not to get too soppy or anything of course, but damn no-ones made me feel this secure in a while. She’s coming to England at the beginning of December so we can go on a date, which I am shitting myself for. She’s openly said she thinks I’m good looking and she’s excited to meet me but of course the over-thinking thoughts are going through my head, “What if in real life I’m not like this image she’s seen/created from social media/snapchat?” “What if she finds me awkward or annoying?” “What if she doesn’t feel comfortable around me and just feels awkward the whole time?”... there’s a lot riding on this man. I found out the other night she likes Bo Burnham, at this point you could just take a lists of my likes and interests and tick them off as hers, she’s so cool lmao.

I initially wanted to come home and nap, sulking my way through the day, but I’m actually glad I haven’t done that. Eli picked me up from Bradley Stoke, from the assessment, and they’re going for lunch with Granny so I’ma join them for that! Without sounding pessimistic Granny doesn’t have long left with us, and I’ve been so bad at making the most of our time so I’m really trying hard to make up for that!

14/11/2022

Sweet Jesus it’s time for my once a year blog post lmao. I’m currently sat at HOME in Bristol, listening to Sincerity is Scary, by The 1975. Eli is next to me, I think they’re watching some crappy Dwayne Johnson film on Netflix.

Trying to think about what’s happened since my last post, an awful lot of everything with a whole load of nothing thrown in too! I’m still at uni, though I’m in the middle of repeating a year. I got behind with my work, missed some important deadlines. I managed to get extensions but surprise surprise I missed those too, so I’ve had to repeat a year. I’ll now be 31 when I graduate, I started studying at 26 for Christ sake!

Last year, as part of an assignment, I was part of a small group that made a short film. We were given scripts by students that had graduated, and had to shoot it. The script we got was cool. It was about a date that was actually a set up by the Protagonist, she knew that the Antagonist was a murderer and overall scumbag. We shot the film at my pub, The Kings Head, which was super stressful. Ideally when shooting a film, the set needs to be deathly silent, but that meant filming at like 11:30, earliest. Which would then keep the managers there suuuuper late... So we went with what we could. So timing was an issue. Then there was the over-inflated ego’s of the Producer and Director. I thought I had a really good relationship with the Director, he was on all of my modules and we always had good fun, but the role just went to his head. He thought he knew best and didn’t want to take any sort of input from ANYONE, even though it was a GROUP project. It resulted in the film being rushed, and scenes being chopped together with no real fluidity. It’s displayed in the final edit too, someone will be sat down in one shot, stood up in the next, then sat down again? It was all just a mess. However, when the Director sent me the edited video, for me to then edit the sound files and marry them up, once completed I did feel a sense of pride about it. Yes it was disjointed and yes it was extremely amateur, but it was the first film I’ve ever been a part of making. I guess I do look back at it with some sense of joy..

Another project I did during last year of uni was screenwriting, we were told to write a script for a short film OR pilot episode of a TV series. I opted for a pilot show, over the dozens of uni assignments I’ve completed now, this was easily my favourite. The inspiration for my script came from me thinking what is my worst case scenario of the next 10 years of my life. The resulting script ended up being quite dark, naturally, with a man who works a dead end job, having completed nothing with his life, relationships fallen apart and nothing going for him. But honestly, I was super proud of how it came out! It’s one of the few uni assignments I’ve ended up continuing after the deadline, I’m going to write the whole season out - 7 episodes - just for my own fun!

What else has been going on... OOO I’ve been talking with a girl. It’s so weird, me and Nish were playing Apex with some randoms and she joined. We had a great night enjoying the fact we didn’t have an absolute toxic twat for a team mate, added each other on Discord and that was that! Then out of the blue a few weeks ago she messaged me asking if I still played. From then we haven’t stopped talking. It’s so strange but I feel such a connection to this person, someone who I’m yet to meet in real life, but I’ve felt I’ve known her for so long. After feeling invisible for so long I’m starting to feel seen, acknowledged again. I really REALLY hope this grows into something more man, she’s lowkey my dream girl tbh.

28/09/2020

Wow. Just wow. How was I stupid enough to stop blogging not only right after I had just started again, but while the entire world was locked down? What an idiot! I’m currently sat at my desk listening to State Champs with a hot water bottle sat on my belly. It’s been on my back for hours now (have a really sore back lol I’m getting old okay) but now on my belly >:)

What can I even say about what’s happened since my last blog, Covid sucks - obviously. But I was weirdly grateful of lockdown, it gave me time with my family I would never have had otherwise. It made me realise how little effort I was making with them all, and how precious they are all to me. I left Uni halls on the 23rd of March, straight after the PM’s announcement of lockdown dad drove up to help me move some things back to Bristol. It all felt so surreal, but over all it was fine.

I spent the first few weeks in the house, I thought it best seeing as I came from London. Once I knew I was not infected, I started helping out with the house. I’d take Squishy for a walk and go round my granny’s a few times a week to help her walk her dog Jamie. Seeing her definitely helped keep me sane throughout lockdown. My granny can hold amazing conversations about almost anything. Though we may disagree on some fairly big subjects she is never deliberately disrespectful or malicious.

I had dad moaning at me the entire time to get a job, but to be honest I was a little anxious to. I didn’t want to be working, coming into contact with countless people, knowing I’d then be seeing granny. So I didn’t get a job, though now I kinda wish I had as I am SKINT.

I had my first lecture at uni today. Even with the weirdness of socially distanced lectures and one way systems, I am so glad to be back. To have the sense of routine and purpose again makes me feel a lot more at ease. Doing nothing was really starting to get to me, I didn’t think it was but I started to realise in the last month or so. I’ve been feeling so down, I rarely want to leave my room. I’d quite happily stay in my room all day and not see anyone.. this is why uni being back is such a good thing. I could feel myself crashing. Which can’t happen, there are too many people I need to be there for.

Connor seems to be looking up, he’s had a few episodes recently that have had us all worried. During one of them I drove across London to find him as he was sending some worrying things. I’m actually so glad I did as well as he was not in a good way. He’s been taking my advice I think and it seems to be helping. He’s a good bloke and deserves bliss and happiness!

10/11/2019

Well Autumn is well and truly leaping on; it feels like winter really is here! I’m sat on Issy’s bed, Gavin and Stacy is on and I’m procrastinating!!!

So I’ve finally handed in my first proper assignment. By proper I mean an essay, I’ve handed in 2 blogs already which have been graded (a first and a 2:1) but to be fair they were informal. This assignment was the real deal, 1200 words with quotes and referencing - oh how I loathe referencing. towards the end it was rushed, but I was running out of time, motivation and patience. I handed it in Thursday night, well more like Friday morning, at 2:30 am.

I’ve started work at ASK Italian too - 3 shifts in! It’s oddly nice being back in employment, not just because I’ve missed earning money but, because I’ve simply missed working! The customers all seem really nice too, for the most part! The team are all super nice too, but the manager is a bit of a busy body. I told him in the interview I’ve had 10 years experience serving customers yet he still felt the need to talk to me - for an hour - about how to serve a table properly. “It’s all about the wow factor, it’s all about how we can go the extra mile”. Jesus not to be a braggy knob but I worked at Centerparcs for years so I’m sure I know that! But the things he actually needed to teach me (the desserts, the till etc) he decides to let me learn on the job! He is really nice though and he does mean well, he;s just a bit clueless sometimes.

I had a chat with Issy last night about, I don’t really know how to put it but about, us. I don’t know what I want from any of this. I really enjoy her company, we get on really well and we do have a lot in common. However, I told myself after I broke up with Bea that I wouldn’t have anything to do with relationships for a while, take a break and just focus on myself and my studies. I don’t want to avoid relationships so I can fuck around either cause I’m not like that, I never have been. I just think it’s all happening super quickly and I’m panicking somewhat, we have an amazing friendship and I wouldn’t want to jeopardise that.

Deffo got some thinking to do! Ah well, back to my work that’s due tomorrow >:)

29/10/2019

What a 10 days to reflect on... I’m currently sat on a train out of London, heading home to mighty Bristol to see the fam. Mumford and Sons are playing and I’m struggling to stay awake!

So where to start - I guess rolling on from my last post. So on the Saturday of the week before last, I spoke about how I might have been catching feelings for a girl. Well a lot has happened since then. On the following Tuesday she broke up with her boyfriend (they were having issues before Uni had even started) and to make her feel better we all took her out and got really really drunk. At the end of the night she asked me to stay in her room and we hooked up... since then we’ve hooked up pretty much every day. It’s been great in all honesty. It’s a sticky one though, I don’t know exactly what I want from it. I’m having a great time getting to know her and chilling with her, but I’ve only just come out of a long term relationship myself - granted not quite as recently as her but... still - and I said to myself I wanted a bit of time to myself before committing to someone again. Also if I do decide to commit and see where this can go how do I know she’s not just using it as a rebound herself? Need to have this discussion with her when I see her next...

At the moment it’s reading week at uni. I’ve spent a few days in Bedfordshire seeing all my old mates and spent the entirety of Sunday in the pub. We watched Spurs almost beat Liverpool, and I sank 21 Jagerbombs (yes I am proud of that!) I also got my haircut today finally, the mop has gone! I’ve got so much work to do during the week which sucks, but it needs to be done!

Lots to think about and reflect upon, do I try see where things can go with this girl, knowing that if it goes tits up I’ve still got to be seeing her everyday?

19/10/19

Well what a flipping freezing day it’s been today! I’m sat at my desk with a jumper and woolly hat on, listening to Mayday Parade (I forgot how sick they were).

So to sum up my day, I finished my second blog assignment for one of my courses, chilled out and - sorta - tidied my room and watched Spurs barely take 1 point from the game against Watford. It’s tough tough time to be a Spurs fan, let me just say. In better news I’ve finally got a job, thanks to Issy, in Ask Italian. She seems to enjoy it and always seems to make a bit of money, so happy days! I’m going in tomorrow to sort everything out and sign the paperwork!

Onto what’s been bothering me. I’ve been feeling really meh and I’ve been struggling to get up and leave my room again. I’ve felt so conflicted, so up and down and just so exhausted. I said in my previous entry that people have been talking about me and this girl and how we’re close so that obviously means somethings going on. Nothing is going on, but I think that might be what’s upsetting me. I think I might be catching feels...

11/10/19

It’s 18:07, Iris is playing (tune), I’m sat in the courtyard and I’m pissed.

Being surrounded by 18/19 year old’s was always going to be strange, though it’s been easier than I thought it would. It seems that everyone’s forgotten about my age, finally, and we’re all getting really close. We’ve got some amazing personalities in our halls, and truly an incredible mix. I’ve met people who have already inspired me with their kindness, others who have me in stitches constantly and others who surprise me daily with their maturity.

There are the positives. There are others, though not in our halls for the most part, who are just so petty. People at that age just get bored, or see others who are happy and start spinning rumours about them. Over the last couple of weeks I’ve got really close with someone in my hall. They happen to be of the opposite sex and they happen to have a boyfriend. She’s been with her boyfriend for 3 years and she adores him - anyone with half a brain can see that. I’ve met him too, he is one of the soundest guys I’ve met. Yet people have started saying stupid things and whispering about us as if somethings happening. It frustrates me so much, just because we get along well and have a similar sense of humour people should think something untoward is going on.

I guess it takes a few years to realise though, looking back at how I was at that age I would probably admit that I would do the same. When you see people get along as well as we do, it’s probably only natural (when you haven’t really experienced it before) to assume it’s romantic. Problem is, I don’t want her to hear any of it. I cherish our friendship and would hate for her to feel as if she has to back off or change how we are. Worse than that, I would hate for her boyfriend to visit and hear these petty rumours and believe them. They are such a great couple, and I’d feel so awful if this all caused some sort of issue for them.

Hopefully none of that will happen and hopefully people will grow up and realise you can be really good friends with people of the opposite sex without it being anything romantic. A good night out is needed and luckily there’s one planned for tonight. Only problem is I’ve felt so down and mopey today I’m really not even feeling it right now. I need to get in the shower and pull myself together!

04/10/2019

Bloody hell, it’s flipping October! I’m currently sat in my room, it’s 2:12 and Blink 182 is on the speakers.

SO over the last few days I’ve had lectures, night outs and chilled times. The lectures were good, the Thinking Critically course is stepping up its content. It’s so heavy with its terminology, which then doesn’t get covered in our seminars. So I’m going to start going over my notes after my lectures so I can really get the terms stuck in my head.

Monday was karaoke night in the SU again, I always loves those. Normal routine; drinks flowing, courage building up, self-belief...I was ready for my solo. I elected to sing ‘I want it that way’, and I was pumped - until I got up there in front of all those people. It was a truly sobering experience, my Dutch courage was failing, legs shaking, voice trembling. I was crashing. Out of no-where this guy runs up and tells me I had stolen his song, and he wanted to sing with me. Thank f*ck for that, we ended up smashing it and having a wicked time so whoever you are I owe you my life!

Tuesday was a big day. Quiz night AND Spurs were playing Buyern Munich in the Champions League. So positives first, we came third in the quiz. We’re constantly pushing top spot so I know we have a win in us! Aaaannnnddd now for the sh*t news..... Spurs got absolutely annihilated, we lost 7-2 AT HOME! Certainly is a tough time to be a Tottenham fan right now. People love hating on Spurs anyways and that’s just given them extra ammunition.

Wednesday was a standard chill day followed by a big, busy, blurry night out. We were at the usual Viper Rooms. It’s just like Pink Punters back in MK, just a smaller version.

I messaged Bea the other night. I think I’ve been missing her, though that’s only normal right? I’ve got some of her things that I need to give back, we’re meeting up on Sunday. It’ll be nice to see her.

#life #personal #university #old student

30/09/2019

So I’ve kinda failed already, it’s been days since I said I was going to try blog everyday! It’s been a fun weekend though.

Friday was a messy night down Kingston. Tommy Fury was in Viper Rooms (the girls were proper fan-girling, naturally...) so the night was on! Pre’s started heavy, then a frantic scramble to the Ubers. I sank 15 Jagerbombs plus a combination of other drinks, so you can imagine the carnage that followed. The girls met Tommy Fury, they were super happy, and we danced the night away in the cheesy room!

Saturday was the most chilled day I’ve had since getting here (thankfully, it was also the day I felt most rough since arriving haha) Pretty much just stayed in my room all day watching Masterchef Canada/Australia videos; why are they so much more entertaining than ours?

Sunday was also a lush chilled day. We went to the pub for a roast, which was absolutely banging. £10 with a pint, happy days! Watched most of the Leicester v Newcastle game, ended up losing my bet, which wasn’t great! Leicester are definitely finishing top 4 this season, and it pains me to say I wouldn’t be surprised if they finished above Spurs. We came back to the pub later on to take part in the quiz, which was the weirdest quiz I’ve ever done. It was so complicated and the host was actually rubbish. I’m not just saying this cause we lost... When we got back three of us boys decided to have a full face of makeup put on by the girls. I had Faye, who is an aspiring Beauty Influencer (follow fayepearcemakup everyone) and I ended up looking not too shabby. My eye shadow was on point! though I won’t be rushing back to have it done again anytime soon that’s for sure.

Today was back to school day, so to speak, with lectures commencing once more. ‘Personal Competencies’ for a couple of hours. I feel mixed about that lecture, it is interesting but also frustrating as I know once I finish the foundation year, I probably won’t ever think about it again.Then came the seminar for ‘thinking Critically, Creatively and Ethically’. I actually, surprisingly enjoy the lectures for that course, but don’t actually enjoy the seminars as much. The lecturer is good and very engaging but at the moment I struggle to see how it ties into the actual lecture.

Now I’ve got to do my work for the week and also get some washing done! thankfully I’ve bought some more jeans so I’m not living in the same pair every day, result!

First day, 27/09/19

Wow, just returned to Tumblr after a few years away.. safe to say I cringed reading through all of my old posts!

I’ve decided to come back to blogging as a way of documenting my weird life of being a ‘mature’ student at uni. I’m in my mid 20′s so definitely a tad older than the average student here! Though I did hear of a 73 year old that apparently moved into the halls next door - I’d love to meet her!

Today is Thursday the 27th, so I’ve been here for almost 3 weeks. The days have all kind of blurred together due to the excessive amount of drinking that’s been taking place. I may be old but I rarely say no to a night out! There have been some amazing events put on by the uni, the petting zoo was a particular favourite of mine along with a retro gaming night. Though they had some consoles I wouldn’t personally consider necessarily retro but some of my hall-mates couldn’t even tell me what they were called..... This made me feel ancient!

Been feeling a bit low over the last couple of days though. I’ve had an amazing time meeting new people and re-starting education, I think all the late nights and alcohol has caught up to me - I’m feeling extremely drained. I don’t think it helps everyone seems to be going home this weekend, then again this does mean I can get some gaming done.... I think I may start The Last of Us again to get myself ready for the new one!

The content has been really interesting too. I’m doing a foundation year in Humanities as I didn’t get the UCAS points to jump straight into a degree - though I’m actually glad I did as I still have no idea what to chose for the three years! We’ve been learning about the different styles of learning (kinesthetic, visual etc) and how to best apply yourself once you know which on you are. We’re also doing a history module learning about the history of London. There are a few trips coming up too, we get to dig around the mud in the river Thames - it’s called ‘Mudlarking’. People find all kinds of things though, golden Tudor rings, coins from all eras and naturally bones are somewhat common!

The blogs from now on won’t be as big as this, I was kind of meant to have started already so this is a culmination of a couple of weeks worth! I’ll basically just be summing up my day as a way of looking back and smiling. :)

First snowman of year 13 :)

I love my dogs :)

i decided to trek up the fat hill outside my house one day to get a nice sunset photo :)

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