‘ you’re a terrible person. it’s hilarious. ’
‘ you ruined it. you’re a dumb raccoon. ’
‘ i hate your mustache because i miss your upper lip, okay? ’
‘ anything in pairs makes me choked up! shoes, socks… chopsticks. ’
‘ it’s legal meth. medical meth for my… cramps. ’
‘ ahh! son of a bi– penis! …that wasn’t better. ’
‘ i hope you have a minor career setback, learn from it, relocate, and ultimately have a very nice life. ’
‘ i don’t play by your rules! i can drink at 11:00… a.m. ’
‘ this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces! ’
‘ i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my internet history… i wasn’t building a bomb! i was just curious! ’
‘ i just think long distance relationships suck. i once broke up with a someone who lived only thirty minutes away. ’
‘ the enemy is the en-e-my. the enemy is the inner me. ’
‘ shawty, what that thing do? ’
‘ i don’t want nobody to eat me! i have thick thighs! i got a fat ass! ’
‘ i know what it’ll feel like when i stop drinking so i’m just gonna stay a little drunk… forever. ’
‘ i’m gonna have fun because there’s nothing wrong with who i am. ’
‘ if you don’t like that then tough tater tots, tooter. ’
‘ i want to be someone that somebody is looking for, but what do i have to offer? ’
‘ that’s easy, you’re the cute one. ’
‘ what happened? i don’t know what hap… i blacked out. ’
‘ don’t boop him! ’
‘ i’m literally not moving. i’m so not worried about you. ’
‘ i am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend… and i’ve been stealing my neighbor’s wi-fi. ’
‘ my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch! ’
‘ i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s kind of my thing. ’
‘ oh, my gosh! look, it’s food! i love food. i can’t even remember what we were talking about. ’
‘ i’m probably fine, but i also might be dead. ’
‘ i feel like i want to murder someone, and also i want a soft pretzel. ’
‘ they’re on a flip phone. i mean, they’re either poor or a time traveler. ’
‘ i swear to god i will scream sing every last word to les mis!! ’
‘ i look at you and i see a stunning physical specimen. it’s like you were created in a lab full of gay scientists. ’
‘ i’d trust beyoncé with my life. ’
‘ what a wonderful day. quick reminder: we’re all dying. ’
‘ my funeral is my time to shine. ’
‘ stop being so mean to me or i swear to god, i’m gonna fall in love with you. ’
‘ please let me hate myself and everything that i have created! ’
‘ as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry. ’
‘ am i attracted to murderers? ’
‘ it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day. ’
‘ i’m not convinced i know how to read. i’ve just memorized a lot of words. ’
‘ this place is fancy and i don’t know which fork to kill myself with. ’
‘ do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably. ’
‘ i like getting older. i feel like i’m finally aging into my personality. ’
‘ saturday is a day for sleeping and damn it, you will not take that from me. ’
‘ you know, i’m just staying positive, but i’m pretty sure this is where we die. ’
‘ i have a cat. he’s not ready to have a relationship with you, so just don’t try to force it on him. ’
‘ you got hurt. that doesn’t mean you stop trying. ’
‘ if you tell anyone we held hands, i have two people in my phone that will kill you. ’
‘ girl, i’mma marry you. ’
‘ damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere! ’
‘ can we take a moment to celebrate me? ’
‘ i just looked down and i thought, this girl must be wearing sneakers with shoelaces and those shoelaces are tied together because this girl is straight up trippin’, yo. ’
‘ i’m a squirrel. you’re my nut. winter’s coming. i’m gonna store you in my cheek, girl. ’
‘ the economy sucks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels, and i have a broken penis. don’t pretend to know my pain. ’
‘ the good news is i’m feeling sober. the bad news is maybe i’m too sober. ’
‘ exes are a part of the past. you burn ‘em swiftly and you give their ashes to poseidon. ’
‘ nothing is ever truly broken. ’
‘ i know this isn’t gonna sound well, but the whole middle part’s gonna be awesome. ’
‘ wanna get married? ’
‘ the very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don’t work. ’
‘ please put your shirt back on. don’t make me laugh at you. ’
‘ we’re having a baby. i really didn’t think it was going to happen for us. ’
‘ the only reason i said no earlier is because i needed to show you how much i wanted to say yes. ’
‘ you’re just the most throat-punchable boy in all the world. ’
‘ love is never what you think it’s going to be. ’
‘ i just got you and i’m not letting you go. ’
‘ i have your back, no matter what. ’
‘ i can buy my own pizza! …can somebody please loan me $15? ’
‘ what kind of taco mean do you bitches have? ’
‘ i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay. ’
‘ i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with. ’
‘ he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis.’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave. ’
‘ i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself! ’
‘ i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly. ’
‘ i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski. ’
‘ you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night? ’
‘ i’m a color blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles. ’
‘ i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. ’
‘ how cute am i? ’
‘ maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen. ’
‘ give me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you a cookie, man! we’re even! ’
‘ shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch. ’
‘ i like to improvise with my body. i’m a sexual snowflake, each night is a unique experience. ’
‘ hahaha. what a dumb idea… do it! ’
‘ if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich. ’
‘ what it be, girl? what you got going on, ma? it’s the freakin’ weekend. ’
‘ you can’t choose who you love, sometimes they choose you ’
‘ i thought god just didn’t give me abs. ’
‘ i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay? ’
‘ pink wine makes me slutty. ’
‘ i just want to listen to taylor swift alone. ’
‘ i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder! ’
‘ i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years. ’
‘ the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. ’
‘ are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch. ’
‘ your life’s like gossip girl… only everyone is old and poor. ’
‘ men suck, remember? ’
‘ actually, that’s not fair. she might be a really nice ho. ’
‘ should i add a ‘woo-hoo’ or is that too bitchy? ’
‘ i am a woman. the smartest species of them all. ’
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