This has been the hardest semester for me by far.
For pretty much every reason. Not only is school itself difficult because I am full time with the hardest classes yet but I was also working way too much considering I couldn't juggle both. My physical health has been suffering because of the immense amount of stress I've dealt with and I turned to food again, and then my mental health is suffering because of it because I feel so incredibly guilty and upset for ruining all of my hard work. And feeling like I can't get control of my actions and my eating is really taking a tole on me mentally, I just feel so weak. Around the end of September my grandfather got really sick, they found out that the cancer he had the year prior came back and spread to literally his entire body. It's been a really rough month and a half watching him get weaker and weaker. I put school and work on the back burner and told them I would only work two days, and then at school I was basically failing everything. I was at the hospital any chance I got, after work and after school, staying all hours of the night, sleeping there, etc. All the details of everything that happened is going to have to be saved for another post, but eventually I watched my grandfather die in front of me, and his funeral was last week. It's been really difficult. I've never lost a grandparent before or anyone close to me really so this is a first. He was an outstanding man, and it is an honor to be his grandaughter. But now here I am, completely at my limits for mental exhaustion and not really sure what to do. We're gearing up for finals now and I'm trying to play catch up after missing classes and assignments, and it's hard pushing myself to even get up and go when I just want to stay in bed for months. I just want things to get better. I am also so sick of running to food to cope with everything but I don't know what else to do to get through things. And then all the mental torment I'm putting myself through over my weight isn't helping at all. I was at the store today trying to find some clothes and was just on the verge of crying the entire time because I can't believe I've let myself gain so much weight back. I just can't stand this anymore I HAVE to get back to where I was. But I'm just so lost right now.
