“He lets his hand fall, and I catch it. Because I’m weak. Because I’m a constant disappointment to myself.”
Will I spam you with drawings of Baz Pitch?
Probably.
ojovivo

No title available
dirt enthusiast
h
Peter Solarz
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

titsay
Misplaced Lens Cap

Product Placement

Andulka
No title available

if i look back, i am lost

shark vs the universe

Janaina Medeiros
d e v o n
hello vonnie
Show & Tell
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
cherry valley forever

seen from United States

seen from Belgium
seen from Netherlands

seen from Netherlands
seen from United States
seen from Vietnam
seen from United States

seen from Belgium

seen from United Kingdom

seen from Singapore

seen from Malaysia

seen from Malaysia

seen from United Kingdom

seen from Germany
seen from France
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Thailand
seen from Malaysia

seen from Malaysia
@myrosebudboy
“He lets his hand fall, and I catch it. Because I’m weak. Because I’m a constant disappointment to myself.”
Will I spam you with drawings of Baz Pitch?
Probably.
Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch and Simon Snow🌹💐
Starting the year off right with SnowBaz
Can’t wait for Wayward son in 2019
midnight
A/N: this was supposed to be a new year’s fic but i procrastinated and school has been so busy oops. i’ve always wanted to write baz and simon dancing around in their apartment
They say whoever you’re with when the clock strikes twelve on New Year’s Day will be with you throughout the year.
Simon’s never been with anyone on New Year’s Day. When he was younger, he couldn’t stay awake. And then when he was a little older, he didn’t have the chance to count down to the new year with anyone else. And last year -
Maybe it’s a bit better if he doesn’t think about last year.
He hears a small noise behind him, and he lazily turns to see Baz, dark hair falling in front of his face, a tiny smile etched on his features. He pushes himself into a sitting position and Baz slides onto the couch ungracefully. Simon stretches himself out and props his legs up on Baz’s lap and pretends he doesn’t notice the half-hearted glare Baz sends his way.
“Two hours till midnight,” Baz remarks, and Simon looks at him. He shrugs. “Mordelia loves counting down to the new year.”
Simon starts, and sits up properly, folding his legs under him. “Baz, I didn’t think - your family - I’m-”
Baz shakes his head. “Calm down, Snow. They’re in America right now, on some visit to some people. I decided not to go. I’m not good on planes, and I don’t think I could have handled family politics and fake smiles on Christmas Day.”
Simon sighs. “I still feel bad-”
“-you don’t have to,” Baz interrupts. He meets his eyes. “You honestly don’t have to.”
He must see Simon’s hesitation, because he lets out a small sigh of his own and holds out a pale hand. Simon looks up at him questioningly.
“No more worrying, okay?”
Simon takes his hand, trustingly, firmly, lovingly. “Okay.”
Keep reading
happy 2019!
hi!! just wanted to say that your blog was the only thing i had bookmarked on my crappy old laptop as a tiny 12 year old who had just read carry on for the first time and honestly. you and your writing is just so magical in a way that TRULY made me fall in love with this book and these characters so much more. u brought them to life!! anyways this is cheesy and i'm sorry but i'm glad ur back!!!
o gosh not sure when this was sent i’m so sorry but thank you so much!!! it really means a lot to me thank you so much for telling me and liking my writing, i’m really grateful 💖💖happy new year!!!
some gen z watford wizards use “begone thot” and “this bitch empty, yeet” (often shortened to just “yeet”) for their final eighth year project change my mind
i guess i’m going to start posting fic again? i’ve got so many drafts from a year ago that i never finished ahah
hey idk if you'll ever see this message and i'm not sure how to say this but you're a rlly amazing writer and like... you capture the essence? soul? of carry on in a way i've never seen ANYONE except rainbow do. like you... remind me why i love this story. you show me new reasons to love this story (which i didn't think was possible) and you understand the characters so well and your writing style is beautiful and !!!!!!!!! okay cool you're amazing have a great day
hello anon this genuinely made me tear up and i’m so sorry for the late reply but really this is…aaaa this means so much to me, thank you. hope you have a wonderful day too, wherever you are!
panicked gay vs. confident gay
I’m very nervous for 2020
after almost two years i am back here to say:
what
wistful
A/N: hello dudes i haven’t been on here in very long whoops but here’s a short fic from a draft i saved over a year ago! (is the fandom even active anymore)
“Spill.” Penny’s eyes are alight, her drink forgotten, staring eagerly at Baz. He has to laugh.
“Calm down, Bunce. It’s probably just a - I don’t know -” he waves his hand in the air carelessly. “probably an infatuation thing. Desperation. Whatever.”
Penny sighs, slumping back into her seat and stabbing her fork into her pancakes. They’re at breakfast and no one else is in the dining hall yet, and Penny’s fork clatters loudly against the plate as she sets it back down. “Hey, you never know. You kind of -” she pauses, thinking. “Become a little bit more alive when you talk about him.”
Baz raises an eyebrow. “Cheesy much?”
She huffs. “I’m just saying. Your eyes light up, you know. Cliches are cliches for a reason.”
“Chick flicks? Rom-coms?”
“I was going for ‘probably an apt description of someone in that particular situation’, but okay, sure.”
He can’t help chuckling. “Bunce, you’re becoming soft.”
“It’s six-thirty in the morning on a Saturday, Pitch. Let me live.”
He raises an eyebrow and tips the last of his coffee into his mouth.
Baz should not be playing a love song right now.
It’s not helping him forget anything, really.
Simon bloody Snow. Baz hates that name.
I don’t care what he looks like when he smiles, he repeats to himself, but the words echo hollowly against the flutter in his chest at that image.
The bow draws across the strings of the violin, and the clear notes ring through the air. All Baz sees is the darkness behind his eyelids, but he doesn’t even register that his eyes are closed. He’s gone, lost in the music, swaying back and forth. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a fleeting thought about checking the time hovers, because the music room shuts at six and he’d only gotten here at a quarter past five, but he’s too caught up to care, and it disappears.
“Hey,” a voice says, and Baz nearly drops his violin. He spins around to see Simon Snow leaning against the doorframe of the music room, arms folded, a small smile on his face. “That was amazing.”
Baz’s heart is going eighty kilometres an hour and he should really think of something witty to say, but all he manages to do is stutter out is a quiet “t-thanks.”
Simon shrugs. “No problem. Anyway, it’s getting late. Agatha’s about to lock up the room. I thought I heard someone in here and came to give you some warning.”
Baz tries to keep his face stony. “Ah. Yeah, I’ll start packing up. Thanks.”
Simon looks like he wants to say something else, but he just grins at Baz, eyes crinkling and turns to walk back down the hallway.
Baz sighs. Shit.
i haven’t been on here for three whole months. and when i logged back in today, i was so sure i’d see a hollow shell of an account, completely devoid of any activity.
except - there was - is - activity. from today. and yesterday. and the day before that, and two days before that, and fifteen days ago, and a month ago, and i am so, so, so incredibly amazed.
thank you for keeping my account alive. thank you for keeping my fics alive.
(teach me how to say goodbye.)
fics masterpost
updated as of 1 February 2016
i’ve written a lot of fics (i think) (sort of) so i decided to make a masterpost of them. i’ll make new ones in the future as i write even more, of course, but these are the fics i have now - hope you enjoy them! all my fics are tagged ‘fics’ on my blog if you want to find the full list if i haven’t updated this for a while xx
snowbaz fluff
hope - baz comforts simon in their kitchen at two in the morning
intoxicated - a very aggravated baz has to help a drunk simon back to the dorm
snow - disclaimer: i did not note the pun until five seconds ago. written for carryonsecretsanta‘s advent calendar 2015, simon and baz and christmas and fluff etc
kiss for luck - au in which baz is sick (i know he can’t really be sick but protective simon is adorable)
honourary big brother - in which i spell ‘honourary’ with an u and autocorrect refuses to accept it. also in which simon stays over at the pitch mansion for christmas and meets mordelia. inspired by askmordeliagrimm and asksimonsnow because they’re lovely people
secrets, stars, and aero bars - the first carry on fic i actually wrote wrote (not the first one i finished and posted). basically in Fangirl Cath writes a snowbaz fic called that and an excerpt is included and i just wanted to see how and if i could expand that excerpt
midnight - new year’s fic. in which simon and baz dance around their apartment, because i wanted to write them dancing around their apartment. very very fluffy tbqh
come morning light - inspired by the lyrics: just close your eyes, the sun is going down. you’ll be all right; no one can hurt you now. come morning light, you and i’ll be safe and sound - taylor swift, safe and sound
movies - simon and baz and their movie-watching habits
it must be chemistry - potential future chaptered fic. maybe. in which i make a really good awful pun to myself in the title. normals au - simon and baz hate each other and then they get assigned to be partners for a project in chemistry class. (i never said i didn’t like a little bit of cliché here and there.)
distance makes the heart grow fonder - baz is in america with his family and simon isn’t. phone calls and wishes and missing each other, basically
pure gold - a collection of AUs, because no matter the universe, simon and baz fall in love every single time.
practice - times simon kissed baz
when the clock strikes twelve - another new year’s fic, because why not
natural - tiny fic. more like a paragraph tbh. first time baz tells simon “i love you.”
porcelain - tiny fic as well. baz comes home late and simon stays up to wait to see him
midterms - again, tiny fic i need to write longer fics i stg. au: simon and baz are normals, and friends. baz is still pining over simon, and simon remains oblivious. basically fifth year, but friends.
in pieces - simon’s parents argue. simon escapes to baz’s house when he can’t stand the yelling. it’s not exactly fluff but there’s no direct angst between simon and baz so i guess here it is (i really need to make more categories for this)
text - zero narration, only dialogue. simon can’t sleep and texts baz about it.
precious - based off this quote from Fangirl: “Kissed. Cath loved that word. She used it sparingly in her fic, just because it felt so powerful. It felt like kissing to say it. Well done, English language.”
silhouette - more normal!au. basically the same au as midterms
content - tiny fluffy coffeeshop (ish) au
meet - simon and baz meet through playing pokemon go
eureka - based on the quote ‘everything is starting to make sense.’
mistletoe - written for carryonsecretsanta’s advent calendar 2017; simon and baz find themselves under the mistletoe
snowbaz angst
end in burning flames or paradise - my first ever fic (i nearly didn’t post it) (in which case i wouldn’t have this fic list right now) simon and baz fight and it gets really really bad
chapter 61 - my second ever fic. basically chapter 61 in simon’s pov
burn bright - alternately titled ‘i love parallels as well as natasha and baz together so i wrote this thing’
i wish - also written on a very bad night. it’s very short so the only thing i can say is angstaNGST ANGST kind of
all this driving is driving me crazy - i was feeling the feels on chapter 61 day 2015, so i wrote a thing. alternately titled ‘what baz said while they were driving that night’ - sort of AU because i didn’t follow the book word for word
beloved - a fic i wrote for sagemeryllisbanks as part of the carry on secret santa 2015. in which baz does the ‘i’m not good for you’ thing and everything collapses.
ages - accidents happen fast. one second, and that’s all they take.
the world is spinning - simon cries when he thinks baz is asleep and baz can’t comfort him until the night everything falls apart
have faith - a fic i wrote for the carry on secret valentine for queerkat-meerkat. in which simon doesn’t deal very well with the war (because i have convinced myself that there is no way he could have just bounced back that quickly from everything)
white noise - normal!au where baz, simon, agatha and penelope are on pretty good terms, but whereas baz still likes simon, simon likes agatha, and baz has to deal with his pining (this sounds really unappealing oops)
bitterness - bitter simon and bitter baz and hatred
glass - ‘what if simon didn’t deal that well with the mage’s murder’
half past five - very short, very mild angst. basically baz pining for simon
echo - tiny fic. simon and baz argue, possibly beyond repair
routine - tiny fic. the usual interaction between baz and simon in their dorm every day. baz sneers, simon growls, et cetera et cetera
fragments - “things you said when you were crying”, baz pov about simon
perspective - Once Cath had written what she thought was a love scene, and Wren had turned it into a sword fight. - Fangirl // a rewrite of text, with narration filling in the gaps between the dialogue to utterly change the interpretation of the situation
unsaid - baz texts simon and deletes drafts of messages he’ll never send
empty - simon can’t sleep
alone - baz lashes out with magic because he’s alone and angry and has nothing else to cling to
match - simon and agatha are perfect for each other and all baz can do is watch
weary - simon is too tired and broken to deal with anything
loss - simon deals with the loss of his magic
others
aurora - i wrote this on a really bad night and apparently people like it?? i wanted to explore agatha’s character a little bit, so this is kind of like her take on her life
scattered constellations - lucy’s watford era. i originally meant for it to be a chaptered fic but procrastination + school = almost no time so D: maybe at some point in the future though
aeroplanes - written for ask-emily-scott and ask-agatha-wellbelove based on a little au they did (basically they got into a fight and emily nearly migrated away from agatha and everyone who was there watching were freaking out)
amortentia - it’s not full angst, it’s just kind of sad and wistful. definitely not fluff though. hogwarts au which may (may) become a chaptered fic in the future?
hello - most of the time, my ships are canon, and i feel like if i ever read GTL’s Simon Snow series, i would probably be writing simon/agatha. this is my attempt at it. (also because i heard “i’m in california dreaming about who we used to be” and i went AGATHA)
quiet - penny and micah being the couple that is practically an old married couple already
ink splatters - davy is too absorbed in his work for much else
tyger, tyger, burning bright - the night natasha pitch died
worst wedding ever - based on a fic we-were-stars wrote, which was in turn based on the malec wedding in shadowhunters 1x12. this is agatha’s pov - hers focuses on simon and baz.
focus - agatha and her magic
prove - agatha, a year after she ran away
funerals - lucy’s, natasha’s, ebb’s and the mage’s
goodbye - penny and micah, the day micah has to return to america
pressure - simon’s feelings when the mage comes to his orphanage and tells him he’s a mage
courage - my take on the canon final battle in GTL’s simon snow series
guilt - agatha breaks up with simon, based on an excerpt from Fangirl (alternately titled falling out of love is a very painful thing)
fate - a fic about ebb because there will never be enough appreciation for ebb
beacon - ebb is one of the most powerful mages in the world, and the mage knows
fangirl (not including any stories based on carry on/simon snow excerpts)
blood, sweat, tears - cath expects too much from her writing
block - also counts as snowbaz fluff, although i didn’t originally intend for it to turn out that way. parallels wren being there for cath and baz being there for simon.
chaptered fics (i am so slow at updating though)
night lights: chapter one // chapter two - baz just moved into a new apartment and his kitchen window faces the kitchen window of the guy next door, and they both keep drinking coffee at ungodly hours of the morning.
burnt-out stars: one // two // three // four - hamilton inspired. the mage’s plans eventually lead to simon’s downfall, and lucy finds out
two roads: one // two - pre-snowbaz baz thinking about what would happened if simon and baz take hate over love and vice versa
mini fics (aka me getting all excited and adding unnecessary small fics to the ends of tumblr posts)
(x) penelope uses simon says every once in a while on simon and she and baz watch him do one silly spell before it’s all gone
(x) ‘which one of your otp is the one to die and which is the one to sit in the middle of the street, holding their dead body, rocking back and forth, screaming “come back, come back, come back”?’ ‘it could go both ways’ and then me and thepessimisticasshole got a little too obsessed
(x) asksimonsnow and askbasiltonpitch have had to name too many children on tumblr
(x) thepessimisticasshole accidentally got lotion in her hair and thought of “she’s got her hair pulled back in a giant frizzy ponytail that would probably be nice and wavy if she’d put any product in it at all. anything. hand lotion. shaving cream.” and i added on to that
(x) daphne making puns about baz’s name to get simon to eat basil when he stays over
(x) “hc that simon can’t go to bonfires or really be around fire in general anymore because the smell of smoke basically makes him relive christmas 2k15″ “wait what if baz smoked and tried to quit it for simon but simon found out on a bad day”
(x) inspired by that excerpt in Fangirl: “Shhh.” “I just-” “Hush.” “I worry-” “Don’t.” “But-” “Simon.” “Baz?” “Here.”
me: in the middle of trying to get my fics masterpost together
me: accidentally wanders off and starts reading snowbaz fics
me, an hour later: shit
Called It
A YouTuber AU SnowBaz fanfic for the Carry On Countdown
Penelope
Simon Snow’s first YouTube video is one of my favourites. It’s as painfully awkward as any other YouTuber’s first video. He sits up too straight in his chair, he smiles and laughs too mechanically, and the film quality itself is poor, with half of his words lost to shoddy editing. Yet despite all this, it’s adorable.
And of course, it’s the origin of the biggest OTP on YouTube, SnowBaz.
“Hi guys,” Simon waves at the camera, his hand going all pixelated at the movement. “Welcome to the first video on my channel!” He’s inserted a sound effect of people cheering. I have to laugh. It’s so damn cringe-worthy.
He goes on for a few moments, trying to make jokes and jump-cuts that work, when finally, it’s everyone’s favourite part.
“What are you doing, Snow?” comes a voice from off-camera. My heart turns to mush.
Baz.
Simon’s new flatmate, or at least he was new at this point.
“Making my first YouTube video,” Simon grins up at someone behind the camera. “Come say hi!”
“-bleep- no.”
Even the censor sounds old, like it was stolen from the year 2007.
Simon looks a bit panicked, like he’s realizing that he’ll have to edit out the swear word. A door slams somewhere out of the shot.
“That’s my new flatmate,” he tells us. “His name is Baz. He’s kind of a prat.”
“Just you wait,” I whisper at my computer screen. “Just you wait.”
***
Simon and Baz do not get along. At all.
That much is clear from the first video, but it become increasingly obvious as Simon posts more frequently. He often films in the living room, which drives Baz insane.
“Why don’t you film in your own room?” he says, audibly annoyed.
“The lighting in there is terrible,” Simon protests.
“Well, I’d like to be able to walk around my own flat, if you don’t mind.”
“Go ahead, no one’s stopping you,” Simon shrugs. “Besides, the viewers keep saying they want to see you.”
“Well, who wouldn’t?”
Good old Baz. Sarcastic and full of himself. They don’t appear to realize it, but the two of them balance each other out perfectly.
Little by little, Baz begins to make his mark on Simon’s channel. At first we only hear him from off-screen, offering his two bits about nearly everything Simon has to say. Many of his comments are admittedly quite mean and uncalled for, but Simon never edits them out. Baz is the invisible heckler. Viewers begin to latch onto this weird relationship of apparent hatred and, as YouTube viewers are wont to do, turn it into a new ship. “SnowBaz” they call it, and before long the comment sections on all of Simon’s videos are full of things like “I ship it” and “OTP”.
I try not to fall victim to this shipping trend myself. It feels insensitive to me, shipping real live people that I’ve never even met like they’re objects of sorts. But even I can’t deny that the two of them would be cute together. Provided they stop hating each other.
Then Baz appears onscreen for the first time.
He’s on the couch in the background, facing away from the camera. All we can see is long black hair. He only moves when he’s shouting ridicule at Simon’s words. Once he turns his head further to make himself heard, and we catch a glimpse of the light brown skin of his face. This time the comments are all “is that Baz?” and “OMG BAZ”.
After that he starts to appear more often. Sometimes he’s facing the screen, looking down at his phone or a book. He’s tall, and his hair reaches his shoulders. The expression on his face goes between concentration and a sneer, that latter of which he reserves for his heckling. It doesn’t take long for people to start commenting on how attractive he is. Still Simon leaves all the footage of Baz in his videos, not hiding a single rude comment from his viewers.
Once, Simon tries to get Baz to join him for a “meet my flatmate” video. Baz responds simply by flipping Simon off in the background, which Simon has to pixel out. He’s gotten better at editing at this point.
Sometimes Simon posts daily vlogs on days when he does things that he considers exciting. The things that Simon finds exciting are too cute for words. They tend to be little events like going to a coffee shop, things that are almost mundane but for some reason they excite him. He does this thing where he dances when he’s excited. He’ll bob his head cheerfully as he walks, glad to just be out. He’s gone to the grocery store with Baz a few times in his vlogs. Those videos are some of the best ones. They bicker about everything from which kind of milk to get to who gets to carry the baskets. Sometimes we can see Baz’s mouth quirk like he’s trying not to laugh, like all this bickering is just a game for him. Of course, this sends the SnowBaz shippers into a frenzy, the idea that maybe, just maybe, Baz doesn’t hate Simon as much as he lets on.
But there’s one video on Simon’s channel that is the absolute bread of life for anyone who ships the two of them. Simon is doing a Q&A, and as usual Baz is sitting and reading in the background.
“This question is from Twitter,” Simon says, reading off of his phone. “They ask ‘Are you in love with anyone right now?’”
And if you look closely, you can see Baz go rigid.
“Well,” Simon leans in close to the camera, “I have been messaging with someone quite a lot. I don’t know who the person is, but we’ve gotten really close and I’m starting to think -”
“Could you keep it down, Snow,” Baz pipes up, his voice tight. “I’m trying to read over here.”
Simon doesn’t speak of it any further, but Baz sneaks glances at the back of Simon’s head more than once before the video is over. I don’t know how Simon could have not noticed it. Certainly every single one of his viewers did, which is to say over a million people. Perhaps love is completely daft.
***
When I arrive home from work on a particularly rainy day in October, I am delighted to open my computer and find that Simon is in the middle of a livestream. Comments flow constantly from the sidebar and I settle in to join the party. He’s in a different room this time, one with a neatly made bed on which he sits, and I gather that it’s his room. It looks so clean, but I wonder if there’s a disaster hiding behind the camera.
Simon leans towards us like he’s trying to read all of the comments and questions as they flood in. He gets a lot of I love you’s and he grins in response, trying to return as many of them as possible.
“I’ve got to go soon,” he tells us and I sigh in disappointment, “but I’ll answer a few more questions first.” He’s quiet for a minute as all the viewers catch up with the stream. “Here’s one: ‘Did you find out who was messaging you so much?’” He pauses before answering. “Funny you should ask, because yes, I did, and that’s a perfect segway into what I wanted to talk about.” He shifts on his bed. “I have a bit of an announcement -”
His door opens behind him, and Baz in all his glory appears in it.
Comments start flying in of “BAZ” and “OMG”
“What are you doing?” Baz asks without a hint of a sneer in his voice.
“Just filming a live show,” Simon tells him. He seems… nervous?
“A live show, eh?” Baz strolls over and – wonder of wonders – sits down on the bed next to Simon. We’ve never seen him this close to the camera, and his eyes are this lovely mix of gray and green.
We’ve also never seen him this close to Simon before.
My heart kicks up a notch. I’ve fallen down the slippery slope and now there’s no denying that I ship it completely. I grab a pillow to hold to my chest and go into fangirl-mode, overanalysing every inch of their proximity. With a click I maximize the screen, blocking the other comments from my view. I want to see every pixel of this.
“I was just going to make that little announcement,” Simon says, staring at his hands in his lap.
“Ah,” Baz nods, apparently understanding. “Go on, then. Carry on, Simon.”
Did he –
Did he just call him Simon?
He never calls him Simon!
“I can’t do it if you’re here!” Simon protests.
Baz gives a shrug. “Then I’ll tell them.”
He takes Simon by the collar and kisses him.
I scream into my pillow.
Simon and Baz are kissing, right now, in front of millions of people.
I can practically hear the collective aneurism that the fangirls are currently having.
They’re still kissing, and Simon is grinning against Baz’s mouth. It’s the most genuine smile he’s ever graced the internet with, and it’s not even for us.
I’m tearing up, I’m so happy for them.
Baz lets Simon go and turns to smirk at the camera. “That one’s for all you SnowBaz shippers out there. Don’t think we don’t know.” He winks. He fucking winks.
And then he leaves.
Simon turns back to the camera, his cheeks red and his lips puffy. He grins sheepishly.
“Um, yeah,” he stammers, “that’s what I was gonna tell you about.”
I tap the comment box.
pennyforyourthoughts: Called it.
tumblr friendships are hard to maintain like im sorry i know i havent talked to you in 5 months but you’re still super rad and i still consider us friends im just dumb
#if you’re wondering if this is for you #it’s probably for you
If I have ever messaged you or messaged me and never heard from me again, I still consider us friends. I just suck
also I’m awkward and don’t know how to start conversations, sorry.
to all you wonderful people who follows
loss
read on ao3 (x)
The realisation that I’ve lost my magic comes in bits and pieces.
That night, the weight of it crashes straight into me. I scream it to the night sky, I stutter it to Baz, I whisper it over and over to myself into my blankets until my lips are numb and the words have lost all their meaning. It’s carved into my brain, into my chest, into every fibre of my being that used to smoulder and spark and ignite. When I can’t think in words anymore I count the tiny balls of lint on my blanket until I lose track, and then I do it again. Baz’s cheek is pressed against my shoulder, snoring softly, nails digging into my arm a little bit. I welcome the sting. It’s a reminder that I’m still here.
The next day, I wake at three in the afternoon. Penny’s sitting beside me, flipping through a book, a bowl of soup on the table beside her. She makes such a fuss about me waking up and forcing me to drink the soup that I forget for a good half hour. It’s when I tell her the soup tastes disgusting and her laughter is several keys off from its usual melodic tone that my brain snaps back to life. This time it’s my fingernails that press into my arms as the world blurs and I hang on for dear life. It takes a pot of tea and several calming spells to bring me back. I touch my face and my fingers come away soaked in tears that I don’t remember streaming down my face.
After that, it’s painfully slow, for both me and everyone around me. I pick up my spellbooks one day out of boredom and it takes me three minutes to realise what I’m doing. Baz catches me absent-mindedly practising spell movements. Penny jumps when I casually use English idioms in daily conversation and tries to pretend nothing happened.
I get into a fight with Penny and Baz at four in the afternoon. Rain hits the windows like the drops are trying to smash the glass to pieces and we’re all shouting.
“For the last time, use your magic around me. Go crazy. Wash the whole house, clean the curtains, rearrange my bedroom, do the groceries, I don’t care!”
Baz, voice shaking with barely controlled fury, tells me to shut up.
“Are you telling me you’re putting seven fucking years of magic education on hold just for me? Who does that? I’m not a patient! I don’t need you tiptoeing around me. I’m a functioning human being, thank you!”
“Don’t you dare tell me what I want to do with my life, Simon Snow!” Penny yells.
“I’m not a child, Penny!”
“And I’m not either!”
“Fuck you!” Is my childish reply. I stumble back into my room and bury myself under the covers. Three hours later, I walk back out for a cup of water, and Penny silently magicks a pot of tea up for me.
Life goes along as it should. Little reminders pop up here and there. Baz’s stepmother mutters Crowley at a pot of soup and claps her hand over her mouth, eyes darting towards me. Penny’s father asks me to give him some magickal assistance and flinches violently when he realises what he’s said. Baz’s stepsister, frustrated with basic spells, announces loudly face-down on the couch that she wishes she didn’t have magic. (To be fair, she didn’t realise I was there, and it was refreshing to not have someone apologise profusely as if they’d done me a personal, unforgivable wrong.) They’re little pinpricks of pain, but I don’t mind them. Sometimes, I forget that I had magic at all.
The real sucker punch comes when I travel back to visit Penny one day in her eighth year, and I realise the Watford gates don't open for me anymore.