My search for wisdom

Hey, my name is Jared. this is a blog of my poetry.I am 24 and stuff. enjoy!

[mysearchforwisdom]

open up and let the ash spill out the fire in you're lips there is death in this you and i will never know what it means to be emillated nor will we ever know what i means to burn truly burn to spend it all in a listless nothingness

[mysearchforwisdom]

in the past gunpowder measured society in ounces of grains now keys strokes sticky notes and a few helping hands determine the state of things

Nothing chages if no one votes no one votes

[mysearchforwisdom]

Faith in vans

the world is not damaged its just spinning we anthropomorphize reality when we as a society waiting for gravity and causality to pull of the rubber mask of America simply to reveal a hoard of hungry mouths and a few top hats still wearing white gloves...

[mysearchforwisdom]

yes but you can all the whips that strike you yes but you can your fathers dies in bloody ways yes but you can there is hate every where guess what yes you can

[mysearchforwisdom]

awake and old folded into the soil of a town to alive to die and to angry to be let alone lets walk and listen to the tires screeching a morse code and tired and old as all cities truly are

[mysearchforwisdom]

Buried

beneath all of this the family dynamic the passion and possession live the ugliness once called beauty what we have in the heavy hearted heroin's of my youth i wanna see the people we were the people beofre we put on the ties the dirty souls who stored hope in heroes and stashed faith in crosses i wanna see the truth ? the real limitless child like wonder get the shovels lets learn who our fathers where get the bleach lets learn of our mother lust get the knives lets learn about life and our grandparents lives

[mysearchforwisdom]

Back at it

well I'm back in the saddle what a stupid fucking phrase? in the time of saddles most people couldn't afford them and in the time past most people didn't know know that the majority of people in saddles would have been arrested in new York in the 60s. but i digress, for the most part I've forgotten how to do this however it the job of the average broken white guy to speak his truth or at the very least muse of stupid stuff that mean nothing to any one so we back and we sassy some times

[mysearchforwisdom]

I've had the shakes for some time now they started deep in my wrist like my blood needed to escape my heart so hard the thunder of a stampede speed run from the lips of a red bull fullend alcoholic

Now i can feel them behind my eyes green as they have ever been but tinged in envy i never used to be like this i once thought of all of this like a gift

now the shakes the god dame shakes have me like a golfer with the yips forgetting my style maybe even my gifts

in the old days the all or nothing days i could buy my pain with time i could trade my sorrow with the strength in my spine

now I'm old and all my tricks show I'm old and the spun gold of youth only shines in my mind the last place of grace

[mysearchforwisdom]

Vice

little white letters clime to the sky percentages worth little bits of time tickertape parades of experience climbing to my eyes sit here with me in the serotonin puddle of an office chair grinding letters and grinding lines this one true vice has always been the digital currency of clicks and ticks little white lines numbers by which i am defined

[mysearchforwisdom]

blood A

in a blind vacuum of lust our blood finds and binds to each other pumping and thrusting as though valves where the mouths of some great gnashing beast.

[mysearchforwisdom]

patc

There are lines we join and ques we follow like braid we twist in and out of each other lives lightly now we are bound and faster still we wind stronger together and yet frayed in all the wrong ways pull tight and join see what much and for how long this weight can be carried

[mysearchforwisdom]

golden is

Forged from some women's necks lass and dozen crosses snatched off a hundred little necks. this little trinket is the curse of a nether person conciseness. this little circle is the beating heart of the rest of this life. love is often and anchor and devotion its chain. i know this vessel and i know its name. i leave my future to the mission and the task of being worthy of the bones beneath its shine. i bind my heart to this horcrux of a destiny. a plane gold band.

[mysearchforwisdom]

sweeping

The webs of our empty bones are near cemented in the dust of this empty house. It took to bangs and a crash to open up this silly little door. Now in a house i help build, swaying in the wind of changes. i and my kind, the lost tribe of empty headed idealist. we set to forge new bricks. we set to drink new milk. let the lights shine hard and angry. it is not enough to turn the light on. we need to walk the floor. we need to live in this body. we are our bones.

[mysearchforwisdom]

Tribes

In a time of colors and banners

in an era of ethos and pathos

beneath the blanket of a sky

filled with a kind of hate stars cant see

a toxin binds the soul

we are the water

we are the last bastion

and empty cell

a new adaptation

we where once all among the many

left to the diaspora of a generation

of consumers

we come home

a gathering hoard of new

and hungry souls

[mysearchforwisdom]

Breakup in the American

The first day I was numb. I literally went to a gas station got a 6 pack of beer and drank it in the living room floor eating pita chips and laughing at modern family. She txt me when she got home, and she told me that I was the best boyfriend she ever had and that she was sorry that she was unattracted to me and that she truly loved me as a person. I told her she was the best girlfriend I ever had and that I will miss her. She echoed the same sentiments, and I said goodbye and have a good night.

Day two was a bitch. I worked the early shift in the or that day. I walked into work, and everyone was going about the business of a hospital in motions. People where exchanging small talk and people where bullshitting. I felt nothing for the first two hours. The first person who asked me about how my relationship was going. I told her that I had broken up and I was doing bad. She hugged me. People don’t hug me. I walked into the bathroom and cried. The weird thing was this was the first time that I had been hugged in a long time where I felt genuine emotion. I realized I hadn’t had any real feeling with eh people I was with.

Knowing how hard I was being on her for breaking us up I understood it was me who should have. It made me very sad to think of her in a negative way. I Wanted to txt her sorry about us, but I remembered I told her I wouldn’t. there where these moments of realizes where I had nothing to tell her and moments where she had nothing to tell me. There where silent car rides and our dates where so mechanical that it just felt like work. I didn’t see it then because I was so proud and happy to be with someone that wanted to be with me.

So I whipped my eyes and I walked back into he department. People had spread the word because hospitals full of woman with a vested interest in your life care for you they let everyone, and their mother know what’s up. Someone put me on the go home early list. A few people walked up to me and rubbed my shoulder. One guy tanner pulled me aside and he said Hey man I think your better off. You see tanner was the guy who I would talk to about the dates was as going on. He is an ass but a kind and friendly ass.

Tanner looked me in the yes and he spoke. “Fuck bro it’s about time, you know you could do better than her and you know that you are worthy of someone who will actually care for you” I told tanner, “Thanks buddy your right I just feel hurt and unattractive and ill be like this for while and I’m sorry if I’m a bummer”. Another peer Alicia who I am maybe the closest with at my work was so kind. She said ‘feel your feelings but mopey for two weeks and then shake it off”. I am thankful for the people I work with.

So, the day churns and I get the work done. Josh another guy I work with walked up to me and told me that I could go home. I was sitting alone Infront of one of the rooms and I told him really? Josh said yeah go home buddy. I walked over to the lead in the department that da and I asked if it was ok if I left and she spoke. “Jarrod, you go home, and you be happy, I know it sucks now but you bee happy” there was a time in my life where I could have said I hated her. I have more respect for her every year I work with her.

So I changed out of my surgical scrubs and I drive home. I played bayside a punk band about break ups, and I kept thinking I’m not that sad. I’m not that lonely. I get home and I take a shower and my sister txt me “how are you doing” I said I’m fine everything is ok. I get home and shower and I sit on my bed I look at my phone and I think damn. I had made plans, I had goals and expectations. All those things feel away, and I was truly and utterly alone. I came to the realization that I was by myself, and I was going to have to entertain myself for the foreseeable future.

Three hours later I drove to my parent house crying in my car to an Aaron west song. I get to my parents’ house and i can’t tell them about the breakup. I finally get it out and my parents tell me they love me and its going to be fine. I thank them as you do. I’m lost alone and lonely and I drive home. Empty and cold.  For the last 4 days I’ve been drunk and depressed destroying myself.

It’s been one week now the breakup. I’m happy and I know I’m happy. I feel sad about it bur you know life goes one and I hope she falls in love and gets all she wants out of life. I’m just lonely again and living in my solitude so it is what it is. I feel like that one front bottoms song, I’m happy, I am happy I have learned to adapt I have a darker sense of humor, but I can still laugh.

[mysearchforwisdom]

There is always this quiet calm

Before the sprinklers kick in

And the soft mist of the morning

Gets washed into the gutter

When the safe lights turn off

And the first rays of sun cut the night

You’ve rolled onto your side

Fingers numb from sleep

A weird film on your teeth

You check you phone

With blue light crashing

You look to see something familiar

But it’s gone, or maybe it’s right

Maybe everything is put right

Where life needed it to be

Serendipity set back in motion

Zero notifications

Less distraction

There’s calm in the quiet mornings

Like there has always been

[mysearchforwisdom]

You’ve got someone infront of you

They are crying and your crying and the world is falling away

They are sad and you are sad

And there’s nothing left between you

She’s crying and your crying

And you just want her to be happy

And you just want her to be ok

So you’ve got her face in your hands

And your whipping tears of her face saying it’s going to be ok

But she won’t stop crying.