[mysecretworks01]

I’m constantly searching for the love I find between the lyrics of every song. I’m searching for the feeling of love from my favorite movies. I am looking for you.

[mysecretworks01]

I go between being mad at you, to missing you, to feeling alone, to wishing you were here, to never wanting to see you…. over and over again. How could you let me love you, knowing you were capable of leaving?

[mysecretworks01]

It’s never “me”, and yet I am always the one abandoned.

[mysecretworks01]

I wonder if he knew I cried myself to sleep. Our last night together before I had to leave, I was riddled with anxiety and I couldn’t stop the tears from surfacing.

I know he didn’t hear me, because what he doesn’t know is that I’ve had practice… years and years of practice.

Because what he doesn’t know is that I’ve given him a version of myself that mirrors as though I’ve never been hurt before. He doesn’t know is that I’ve been dragged across the very concrete I grew out of. He doesn’t know I’ve given him grace and opportunity without hesitation knowing it could hurt me and only me in the end. He doesn’t know I’ve tried my best up until this point not to think of him like every man and give him the chance I’ve not given others.

I wish he could see past the rose in front of him and see the concrete I grew out of, the petals that I am missing, the thrones on my stem grown out of the sheer need to protect the last of this flower… I wish he could see past the beauty and see me.

[mysecretworks01]

I’m so tired of missing the idea of me and you.

[mysecretworks01]

I want us to be together. And although it feels impossible, I would weather all the storms with you.

I could blame time. I could blame you. I could blame it on so many things.

But blame does change the fact I’m going to sleep without you.

How could something that felt so perfect come to this conclusion?

[mysecretworks01]

How could you expect me to wake up alone after I found out what it’s like to wake up next to you?

[mysecretworks01]

You have me praying for things I didn’t ever think I would pray for, hoping for things I’d lost all hope for, and dreaming of things I avoided for so long.

[mysecretworks01]

I knew it wasn’t real… you didn’t even spark poetry out of me.

[mysecretworks01]

I lost myself for a while… but for once in a long time it feels like a better me is coming. As I continue to journey through this chapter, I find myself less drawn to dwelling on the past but hopeful for a future without what kept me weighted in there in the first place.

[mysecretworks01]

I still search for you in the lyrics of our favorite artists.

[mysecretworks01]

In the grand scheme of things… forever is a long time. What made us think we could promise it?

[mysecretworks01]

I have tried for so long to breathe life into something that was never meant to be revived.

— 5:07am

[mysecretworks01]

I loved you before I even knew what love was and after I did, I realized I’d never have a love like this again. You crept your way into all the parts of my heart and even when we walked away, the remnants of you remained.

[mysecretworks01]

But the mere thought of watching your life through a phone screen, hearing about you from your friends I casually run into, and knowing that the stars in the sky you’re looking at don’t look the same as mine brought me to a never-ending abyss of sadness that I couldn’t climb out of.

[mysecretworks01]

all of this means nothing if I have no one to share it with.

[mysecretworks01]

It would be so easy to regret you. Instead, I am grateful I got to experience you.