Tape Deck

A collection of songs and sometimes a bit of reflection.

[mytapedeck]

MisterWives - SUPERBLOOM (Official Visualizer)

I discovered this song last year but honestly, this is going in my life soundtrack for the year. It’s been a journey of such growth the last year to get to where I am now. There’s still a lot of work to do, though, because no matter how productive my journey has been you don’t undo 30 years of conditioning in just one. It’s a process, and I feel like I’m rediscovering myself for the first time in so long.  This song celebrates self-growth and personal journies. People can help us along the way and by all means thank them, appreciate them, return the favor, but don’t forget to celebrate yourself too. Probably the hardest thing for me is self-gratification. It is okay to be selfish, to a point. Before we can take care of other people we have to be okay first. I know it’s said so many times, by so many people, and we shrug it off and roll our eyes at the concept, but that’s because when we’re doing so we’re not at a place where we can accept being okay. Write down what you think you deserve when you’re in a place of sadness. Make it an itemized list even, get detailed with it. When you get out of the tunnel, when you pull yourself through the darkness, you’ll be able to see how much you starved yourself of the bare minimum. 

Let yourself superbloom.

[mytapedeck]

The 1975 - Oh Caroline (Official Video)

Musically, this is a catchy beat and the flow of the singing on a purely musical level is amazing. I like it, it’s a bop, but the content of the lyrics is troubling. There’s a level of dependency that is highly concerning. The song begins with him describing being suicidal, asking her to decide things for him, and neither one of those things are good. The video does a good job of hiding all the red flags with the way they romanticize this dependency, but if I was Caroline, I’d keep my distance. You can’t save him, don’t try, trying to save another person or asking them to save you is how toxic relationships begin. You have to know who you are, what your wants and needs are, and your worth before you can begin a relationship. It’s clear he’s not there yet, he has a lot of growing to do. Do that growing and then try a relationship. Sure you can grow in one, and it can become a healthy and happy thing, but that’s the exception, not the rule. 

[mytapedeck]

Call Me Karizma - Burn (Official Lyric Video) [with Astrus*]

I use to have this “In my head” mix and this was one of the songs. For those who don’t suffer from chronic depression of any level of severity, sometimes the sun doesn’t give us enough rays or someone took a second too long to respond to a question, or any other array of non-sensical trigger occurs and we’re just sad. I would call it getting stuck, where one sad thought blossomed into this lavish garden of misery where everything was dark, against me, and my fault at the same time. It’s easier to internalize the pain, at least in my experiences, because I can control me so if it’s me and my fault then I can fix it. Right? But I didn’t. I wallowed in it, I isolated to fuel the flame and did everything I could to burn myself down. I thought I was only victimizing myself, protecting everyone around me, but I was this bundle of toxic energy that impacted literally anyone I was around and those I abandoned in my isolation unknowingly. I wouldn’t say I’m over it, that I’m better, cured, whatever. I still very much have chronic depression, but the difference is whether the depression controls you or you control it. Happiness takes work, sometimes you fall short. I was as much right as I was wrong. I was part of the problem, and now I am working on the solution.

[mytapedeck]

Miley Cyrus - Flowers (Official Video)

When you’re in a relationship that has adultery as part of the reason it’s ruined, there’s a lot of damage on both sides. The person cheating loses trust for their partner because if they’ve normalized it enough to do it, they can’t fathom themselves as being the outlier. The person being cheated on is left feeling violated, having shared intimate moments with someone who didn’t protect and respect that while also being left to question their worth. This take is such a good take, honestly. It’s painful, there’s no escaping that, but how we spend that pain energy is up to us. Instead of crumbling, she’s dating herself again and acknowledging, even if it’s in her anger stage, that she’s better off. The next stage in healing should be forgiveness, not for him but for herself so she can let go. It’s refreshing to see this healthy spin on the anger stage being sung about instead of the songs about getting revenge through aggression or violence. It’s normal to be angry. It’s part of the healing process. But that doesn’t mean the anger has to be destructive. 

[mytapedeck]

I adore this song, the sound, and its composition, but the message is a bit more complex for me. There are two angles to it, either from the singer to their partner or from the singer to themselves. If we are taking it as the singer is singing to their partner, then this is an unhealthy and toxic relationship. She's describing a wounded and broken person who is taking their trauma out on her, and instead of doing the right thing, the hard thing, the thing that is going to get them both to a better place by leaving, she's begging for even ground. Their partner is too damaged for a relationship if they're lashing out and making her a target for things that aren't warranted. You can love someone, can see they are hurting, and want to help, but staying through it and expecting things to just work out isn't how you do it. Leave. They need a friend more than a lover until they're able to work themselves out and get on even ground. There's a co-dependency occurring that as long as she stays and enables it, she's perpetuating the problem and it's going to hurt them both. Sometimes, we're too wounded to be good to anyone even ourselves. Which is how it can also be from the singer to themselves. If the abuse and mistreatment being described is something they've been through, they're going to have coping and defense mechanisms that are toxic. We adapt and learn how to survive, so we have ways of keeping ourselves safe and sane that aren't normal, aren't healthy and we have to break those habits. This is why it's so important to take time to heal when you break free of bad relationships, to reacquaint yourself with yourself. You're going to be fighting your instincts, having to redirect the intrusive and negative thoughts and learn how to love yourself again. It can be painful, but it's not forever.

[mytapedeck]

Jamie Fine - Hate Me Love Me (Official Music Video) I love not only the sound, and the flow, but the message. Relationships take as much personal reflection as it does compromise and understanding for our partner. if we are miserable and not dealing with our shit, we’re going to be projecting that onto our partners and creating or helping in the creation of a toxic environment. If the relationship turns into you questioning whether the other person even likes you, maybe it’s time to take a step back and ask why you’re still there.

[titkoks]

[hoochieblues]

[mytapedeck]

When you grow up being taught to be polite and bite your tongue and mind your manners, it is so refreshing to finally speak your mind. Everyone asks for honesty but people rarely actually want that honesty. Trying to do what was expected of me kept me in a miserable state for so long. This song is a celebration of just finally saying fuck it and do whatever is right for you - no matter who it pisses off. At least that's how I've taken it.

[mytapedeck]

This rendition of Can't Help Falling in Love is so hauntingly beautiful. He takes his time in his delivery, even if the words of the song speak of rushing in. There are times you can do both. Developing feelings for someone may not take that long, but taking your time in the progress of the relationship to ensure it lasts still can. I found this song when I met my now boyfriend and it was possibly made more powerful as a result of how well we clicked.

[mytapedeck]

A well-written song has the ability to be versatile in who it affects and how it affects them. I've found as I've gotten older that I can fall in love with a song but also disagree with its message. I was on the fence when I first heard this song on if I agreed with the message, even if I loved the composition. Looking into the lyrics and words and removing the literal meaning of the words, this one isn't so bad. He mentions making her upset, questioning who he is to be making her feel this way, and then assures her that he'd do anything to make things right. Hopefully, there's some actual follow-through in the anecdotal backstory or the song, but once we stop taking killing for love literally it's an alright message.

[mytapedeck]

The entire Born Against album is this beautiful entanglement of cleverly placed words that paint the picture of pain. The earnest and sincere manner in which he sings about depression is so very powerful. I often use this song when I'm writing about a sad time in one of my character's lives and I personally relate to so much of what he is saying. There's this internal struggle raging on constantly when you live with depression. You never feel justified in being sad, sometimes you can't even articulate why you are sad, but you still feel it on such an overwhelming level that it can physically hurt at times.

[mytapedeck]

This song was composed for the movie TOYS, starring Robin Williams. There were a lot of gems from that soundtrack that I feel were horribly underrated. This one encaptures that magical feeling of Christmas and I think so far I've only been able to find it on youtube. If you find any other streaming services that still have this song or any part of the Toys soundtrack, give me a shout!