Vent Blog

Tw on this blog this is a vent blog ask me to tag something and I will feel free to send an ask if you need to vent. Some things I will be venting about are: Child Abuse, eating disorders (I will be posting about eating habits) etc. Also I go by Everett pronouns you can call me whatever pronouns you want to

[mytramatizedself]

I completely relapsed,,,, literally covered in my own blood,,, please help me

[hellslittlestangel]

I wish I looked like what people liked and wanted and thought was worth love and affection and admiration enough to be seen as attractive, enough to be adored and cared about, I really really wish I did.

[maelstromhead]

[iamnotdoingokaysusan]

My biggest problem is that part of me doesn't want to get better. Part of me found comfort and familiarity in the absolute suffering and agony. It's home.

[exhaustedborderline]

[rottingmuse]

As opposed to that quote about “the horrifying ordeal of being known,” do y’all ever feel so positively UNKNOWN and UNSEEN that it frightens you? Like there’s a self that you feel on the inside, and you believe to be “you,” but it seems like nobody else sees that version of you? And they’re interacting with someone that isn’t you but a projection of their experience of you? What’s more, perhaps nobody will ever know your true essence and you will die without ever being fully realized????? I’m only two beers in honestly

[citrustar]

[ojibwa]

[furiousgoldfish]

I wonder if this is common: As a kid I would lose all emotions for periods of weeks or even months, I would feel nothing and live as a zombie, it felt like nothing mattered and nothing could touch me. During these periods I had very little patience or consideration towards others, I would sometimes snap at people or fail to offer reassurance and comfort, and I’d feel incredibly guilty afterwards, but still couldn’t force myself to be kind and gentle at all times. I just wanted to be left alone and not hurt anyone. It would scare me, just how out of control everything was and how much I didn’t care, I would try to force myself to feel something, I would do dangerous things to myself to try and force a reaction, because it felt like I wasn’t a human being anymore, and as if I wasn’t even alive. I would eventually be able to snap out of these by sinking into fantasies and dreams of things that gave me hope, there wasn’t much but I wanted to stay human no matter what.

I understand today I had to be dissociated from my feelings to that degree to stay alive thru traumatic periods of my life. I have very little memories from these periods except occasional fear that I wouldn’t be able to come back to myself and feel things. Do you remember struggling with this? Is it more universal type of experience of childhood trauma?

[exhaustedborderline]

[unfleshly]

[blackdxlilahs]

Claiming abuse changed me doesnt really cover it. Abuse shaped me. Theres no part of me that was un touched. I never grew up without it. Change implies there’s something to go back to— there isnt. I dont have anything to go back to. So I either have to find something new or die trying.

[ojibwa]

[mytramatizedself]

My dad called me a pig today,,, thanks for the meanspo 🙈

[salty-inc]

[soberphobic]

[rabbittongues]