my whole world turned upside down

Me summed up in three words: I'm numb. I'm tired. I'm hopeless. Free counters

[allycatmeow69]

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

shestheweeddemon:

E_M_P_T_Y

[sappyduh]

[achroniccase]

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

achroniccase:

(by Berk Ozturk)

[meliaxmagen]

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

No, that's not why. I know that it's considered a 'norm' and 'normal' to want to die because you are not accepted, because you have no one, and no one cares, but... 

it is NOT so for everyone. 

I am happy for you if you believe in the things you posted about depression and suicide. But here's how I see it - not me, not anyone around me (family, friends, classmates, co-workers)...no one can make my life "happy" or  better. The things that make my life hell, and the things that depress me the most are things that can't be changed. (I don't care about having friends or family. I care about how fucked up the world is and such. So I always feel horrible when I see posts like that.  

I want to cry every time I read a post like that. Because I'm not even human enough to want to die because of "humanly" reasons, reasons that even the doctors believe are the ones that are the reasons. That's also part of the reasons I see no use of seeing therapists, doctors... because seeing them I feel even worse. I feel like a sociopath. As I fit the 'norms', the 'labels'. I don't feel or care. About any of the things humans do.  I care about the world, but not about relationships. I understand it's my problem, not anyone elses, but it doesn't make me feel any better. The doctors think I actually care, and actually want what they believe I want, and am like this because of something from the past.  But if you take away the genetics, and such, there is no such reason. I do not wish to think I'm a psychopath that I don't care about any of that. 

To me: it is not important if you care about anyone or if anyone cares about you. As a person. me, you, everyone... as people are unimportant. This whole world and societal norms, and the way this world is made up --- it is all unimportant in my opinion. And I am well aware how people see this statement. Sure, they can say they understand me, or that no feelings or views are wrong, but in reality I am labeled automatically a sociopath. Just because my views on life and world are so rare, no ones is willing to let me have them. No, this is not about them accepting me or my views - it's about me not having the 'right'to think this way. 

But for those who care - if the people around them do not have the courage to be there for them, and help before they leave this world, then in my opinion they should feel guilty.

The reason why I haven't gone yet, is partly me being a coward, and partly not wanting anything left behind. And there's also the little issue about not succeeding and somehow that's the worst thing I can think of. I haven't found a method that would guarantee the results for a 'beginner' 100%. On the times I've been close, I've cleaned up my work place, and done as much as possible to leave as little as possible to do to others. But I have actually never swallowed the pills or anything. The closest I've come is "holding death in my hands". I never wanted to leave debts behind, and people left cleaning up my place, or arrange for funeral, or anything - yes, I have thought about everything! - that's a crazy reason for not doing it. I am basically living only because I don't want to leave a burden to others. Is that a reason to stay 'alive'. be a living dead. I say 'no'. Others may say 'yes". But who cares? Really? I could die in an accident, anyone could. And people have to then arrange things.

It is in my opinion absolutely selfish from the people around a suicidal person to claim that they care, and how can the person do that to them. In all honesty - if they do care, then they would be there. If they don't (if they have problems of their own, if they don't know how to help), then they won't in the future either. As sad as they may feel after, this could be the one wake up call to the people left behind (the ones, who are the reason behind the person gone (in cases of bullying and such), the family, the friends), without which they might have never known what they think is important, and if they are the kind of people who care about humans, and want to be cared about, then they will learn from such events. 

To me that's logical. 

And I am sorry, but to say that things will get better in this world... is clearly not looking at the facts. This world is so fuc*ed. Personally am not okay with the capitalist world. It sickens me to no end. I am not willing to be a part of the capitalist world, when I know that me having options means that someone else doesn't. I am not okay with that. I will never be. And with this no doctors, no people around me can't help. So why can't I go? Why do I have to feel guilty and cry and feel bad about killing myself -- only that the people left behind wouldn't cry? Don't people understand that no matter what they believe, many who choose this way out, choose the better option. It is not something to be sad about, or feel bad about. 

I have clearly stated in my letters that it's none of their "fault"- it's nothing they could have ever done. But then again people around me know the way I am. They don't understand, but they know the facts. 

What kind of a helpful person tells a suicidal person that they can't end their pain or their discomfort  because it would be painful to the people left behind? What? I ask.

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

What I realized today: I have a 'pension fund' and I have managed to collect a sum that is almost double of what I owe to the world* (my family). Now all I need is to find out what happens to the sum if a person is not going to retire...for certain reasons. If it's given to family, then I'm covered. Then I'm free, and can say I left no debts to anyone. Though I won't leave any fortunes either...

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

overratedyouth:

ancientlove replied to your post: ): oh how boring your life must be when you imagine you have an illness ): btw, people who “suffer from depression” are just weak minded people. just like an eating disorder. just a weak mind. real illness is cancer etc, not “i think i look when acctually i look skinny”.

i can’t even with this anon. what a ridiculous thing to say. of course depression and eating disorders are illnesses, people die as a result of those, just like people die from cancer. shit.

I agree with you, dear. He/she never experienced it so they cannot understand the gravity of those illnesses; plus, people are not educated about depression at all:

“Major depression seems to run in families, but it can also develop in people who have no family history of depression. Either way major depressive disorder is often associated with changes in brain structures or brain function. People who have low self-esteem, who are consistently pessimistic, or who are readily overwhelmed by stress are also prone to depression. Physical changes in the body can also trigger mental health problems such as depression. Research demonstrates that stroke, heart attack, cancer, Parkinson’s disease, and hormonal disorders can cause depression. A severe stressor such as a serious loss, difficult relationship, financial problem can also trigger a depressive episode. A combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is often involved in the onset of depression.”

Depression is very much real and there are actual brain scans that confirm the alternations in the brain. I’m a nurse and I know, so no one can tell me it’s not an illness. It’s exactly like saying that diabetes is not an illness, you’re just weak because your body changed in a bad way. People are ignorant and stupid, they only think about themselves. You can never know what a person goes through and therefore you cannot bully them, there is no excuse for hate and judgment. If you bully them and they have depression, they will do bad stuff to themselves. It’s a suffocating illness that makes you feel hopeless and WEAK. If you call them WEAK, they’ll believe it and probably mutilate their body, or worse- kill themselves. Do you want to cause someones death? THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK. 

[aliceinbitchland-deactivated201]

you can't make a clinically depressed person 'happy'

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

aliceinbitchland:

Depression is an illness - a real illness - like diabetes or high blood pressure.  And like those illnesses, you cannot really do anything directly to change it.  What you CAN do, however, is to be supportive, let the person know that you are there if he or she would like to talk or, better yet, would like to get out and go somewhere. However, to the degree that it’s happening, that is how critical it is for the person to get some professional help. If he or she is already diagnosed and is in talk therapy and/or on medication, you can support his treatment and you can see if he will start to do some things that, at one time, brought him joy. 

It helps if the people in the depressed person’s life are knowledgeable about the illness.  So, you can read some things, whether they be articles or books, to become familiar with what she is going through.  There’s a good chance you won’t completely understand, but just get enough background to realize that saying, “come on, cheer up, snap out of it!”  will not be helpful in any way.  Trust me when I say that no one wishes this upon herself and if we could “cheer up” or “snap out of it” we surely would.

Encourage the person to get some help if he has not already.  Be there to support him.  Take care of yourself, though.  Be realistic about how much you can do for this person.  You are his friend and you can be his friend.  You cannot be his doctor or his therapist or his miracle worker.  Keep your own head above water.  It’s easy to be pulled down by someone who is seriously depressed.  You want to prevent that because it’s not good for you or for your friend either.  I hope this has given you some things to think about.  It’s nice that you care.  Trust me - it means a lot to that person

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

Monday Thoughts :(

Random things I think about: 

I think about if there are people out there my age, who have no perspective, no future (like me), because that's the way things are. Just the facts of life, of the world. Who are stuck. Too old, and too far gone to ever be 'normal' again. Too 'dead' to become 'alive' again. But too weak, and too determined to finish the few unfinished businesses in the world, and too uncertain of which way to choose for the last thing they ever do...

They say that no experience is unique, no person's troubles (of joys) are so unique that no one somewhere else wouldn't have the same thoughts, problems, concerns. But I wonder... is it so? Even if there are similar cases, they are not the same, though they may be similar. Because the environment, the details, and circumstances differ. 

...

I think about how anyone can say that their goal is to be happy. And by that they mean being happy in the moment, in the space they are. I don't understand how anyone can do that. I think it's absolutely selfish. And I know people hate me for saying and believing that. But I don't understand how anyone can feel good about themselves and their lives, and the life around them, when someone somewhere is in pain, mistreated, or in need. [and there is always someone somewhere whose life is worse than ours] No, I am not a saint, nor do I really have that big of a heart. I haven't done anything really to make any difference, so I cannot say I really care. But I think about these things, and I would hope that others would be concerned about these issues as well. 

I could never be happy (because I have friends, health, family, a job, a home, a hobby, or just something little that makes me 'happy'), because it's all a lie, and an illusion that you'd believe. Because I believe that no one can truly smile, and be happy and carefree, when there is someone somewhere else suffering. But there is some sort of a balance in the universe, and when things are good somewhere (for someone), things are bad somewhere else (for someone else). People, including therapists, keep telling me that I can't think this way, that it's taking me more down, but I can't not think about this. I'd live in a lie. Because not thinking about all the bad things going on on this planet, would be ignoring the facts, living in a lie. Pretending. And I cannot do that. I'd rather stay 'unhappy' forever, but honest, than to live in a 'make-believe' world. An illusion. Because that's all what things that people call 'happiness' and 'living in a moment' is about. Excepting only the truth that is suitable. The facts that 'don't hurt', that don't make you sad or angry. Because somehow it is more important to pretend to look (and be) happy, smiling, and cheerful, than to be honest and look past the bubble that's surrounding you. The bubble where it's 'safe', when outside the bubble it's not as cheerful. Outside there's the real world. I cannot not think about these things. But I can't keep thinking about these things, because it makes me sad and angry - because these are the things that bother me, that 'get to me', but at the same time these are the things that cannot be changed. At least not in short time period. 

...

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

Sometimes I wonder if there are people over 25 (and especially 30, and over 30), who have similar experiences as I do. Who are loners by nature. Who are also depressed, And who are saddened by the world. And whose lives have been a row on bad coincidences, one after another.

I doubt there are any around here. This is a place where mostly younger people express themselves. 

I also doubt there are any, who are living 'independently", alone, as I am. Who don't have or want to ever be in a hospital, or to have anyone taking care of them. Yet, it is clear at times I am unable to do even the simple things. But the need for privacy and solitude is too strong for me to even consider sharing 'my space' with other(s). 

[shaelynsmiles-deactivated201110]

I don't have depression to get attention. I have it because my body doesn't know that I don't when to be sad and when to be happy. I don't tell my story because I want to get attention, I tell my story because I want others to realize that this is serious and that if they have the symptoms to get help NOW not later like I did.

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

added by mywholeworldturnedupsidedown: If you wanna live and be happy, and be like everyone else, if your goal is to be all that, and you're only just fallen into the darkness, do get help. Times have changed. 

For me it's too late. It was too late. Though in my opinion there is no cure for me, but then again... I am not looking what this world has. But if you're being depressed over the fact that you're not "accepted in the crowd" (bullied, mis-treated, verbally or otherwise...), and THAT is what bothers you, do get help. Soon. Before it is too late. 

[doubt-built]

[confessions-of-a-deactivated201]

HELLO & WELCOME!

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

confessions-of-a:

As you can probably tell by just looking at this page you can see that it is a confessions blog. There’s nothing really different about this blog to other blogs like it, but what may be a little different is that it’s not just for those ‘big’ confessions it’s also for the ‘little’. I hope to have the blog full of confessions from people who suffer/ed from the following;

Eating disorders.

Bullying, harassment and violence.

Cutting or any type of self-harm/self-injury.

Drug addiction.

Depression.

Bipolar.

Sexual assault/ abuse.

And so on. Nothing is too little or unimportant. If you need advice, support or just have a question please feel free to ask.

Don’t forget to Stay Strong xoxo.

reblogging to spread the information 

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

fuck-this-perfection:

That’s the thing about depression: a human being can survive almost anything, as long as they see the end in sight.

But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, making it impossible to ever see the end.

The fog is like a cage without a key.

accurate description 

[dazedandconfusedman-blog]

[razorbladeaddiction]

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

razorbladeaddiction:

Pretty much.

I stood at the platform and watched the train coming, thinking it's going too slow at the station... 

I looked over the edge of a cliff and realized that it's not high enough to cause anything besides broken bones. 

I look at skyscrapers/tall buildings and think how one gets on the roof of one of those.

Just a few weeks ago I was inside a 4 storey building that has an atrium (?) in the middle, and as I was standing on the 'balcony' of the highest floor and was looking down, all I thought was about how I want to just take the fastest and shortest way down... and how tempting that floor is and how I wish there weren't people with kids down there...and... 

photo from web. just to illustrate what I meant, because I don't know the terms in english... 

[mostdopequotes-blog]

The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering.

Carl Jung (via mostdopequotes)

[hurt-inside-too-broken-blog]

Please Reblog this <3

[mywholeworldturnedupsidedown]

d0nt-stop-breathing:

The more people know about us, the more we can help. You could save someone’s life <3

http://d0nt-stop-breathing.tumblr.com/

We are here to help those who are suffering. We mainly give advice to those suffering from Depression, Abuse, Self Injury addiction, Eating Disorders and Questioning Sexuality, but we are willing to help with just about anything. Even if you’re just lonely and want someone to talk to. We know how tough it can be to try and survive in the world, when you feel like you have no-one beside you. We are here to be that friend beside you. You can ask for advice, ask anything, submit posts or pictures that you feel may help other people or just have a chat with us. Some of our advisors have gone through or have had experience with some of the named problems above, so just know that we DO understand. You are not alone.

 Re-blogging for others, though I don't think this blog has any followers, but... still.