Im just gonna rant here since this is the least active socmed account I have. No, im not looking for pity or solutions I just wanna let it out and maybe hv a person or two read it. I could do this on twitter but I don’t really want my clients to read it (most of them came from there). Countless of times, I said that I don’t want to be a doctor. But just because I don’t want to it doesn’t mean I actually hv a choice. I can quit but I will hv to pay compensation since I’m a contract staff. And ofc I try my best to do my work, cause it’s ppl’s lives and all. Im away from my parents cause I don’t want them interfering my life too much cause just because they forced me to be a doctor it doesn’t mean they understand what absolute bullshit I had to go through. So the least I can do is choose to work in another state. But that also means I hv to prepare my own food and do a lot of stuff on my own. Which is fine when I’m not dead exhausted and mentally tired. My meals are either sandwiches and instant noodles cause after working for 16 hours and back late at night and hv to wake up early in the morning I don’t think I hv the energy to cook proper food. My other option is to eat fast food but I save that as a treat during my off days cause I want to savour my food instead of swallowing it down in one bite before going to sleep. But that’s not too bad. Recently I just changed departments. It’s a thing all us interns go through, work in a dept for 4 months and go to the next one. Sometimes, we get extended for whatever reasons. Sometimes good reasons sometimes absolute bullshit. I hate this new department. They glorify the “Blame the interns” mentality even the nurses and staff don’t cooperate. And when that happens, we’ll still be put at fault. Everyone just wants to save their asses from any form of responsibility and points at the interns. There’s way too many examples but thinking of them makes me want to bang my head on the floor. I don’t feel any sense of gratitude from the team. It’s draining. In my previous departments it’s just as hectic but at least everyone’s supportive it feels like working in a team and most of the time I go home with a decent mood. They don’t make me feel like im the only one at fault should anything happen cause we’re in a team. But over here….idk. There’s no solution to this. I’m just an intern and being at the bottom of the chain, being blamed and degraded is such a common thing. Technically I can complain but nothing’s gonna change and Im sure it’ll just backfire. Sometimes I wish I just get full blown sick, so sick I have to be on leave. A simple pain/flu/fever’s not enough. Us interns just fix each other and order our own medications if we need them. Can’t breath? Get the nebulizer and oxygen machine and fix yourself while you type in your notes. Bad diarrhea? Get a friend to start some drips for you. I don’t see the point of doing this work but quitting is just gonna cause more issues. I just want to know that im not wasting my time n my bosses appreciate what im doing. I no longer have the energy to talk to my friends and even though I know they care, I feel so alone. I just had a fight with one of them cause apparently I don’t pay enough attention to them and I made her sad. All my other friends live far away and I don’t hv a friend that I regular talk to. Even if I do hv one, I’d probably ghost them again anyway cause I’m either busy or exhausted. I hate my life but what can I do.
Now here’s the reason why I ended up becoming a doctor. My parents and family wanted me to be a doctor. Apparently im the smartest kid in the line or smthing so im forced to be one. I wanted to study astrophysics cause I hv so much interest but my father just keeps yelling at me not to cause it’s not important. The process here is, students have to apply a university course they want online after getting their results. We can choose anything that fits our qualifications. So somewhere during this online application, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. She went through the whole surgery and stuff and she wont stop telling me to be a doctor. She made it look like a dying wish and so I kinda didn’t have a choice. So when the results were out my parents were over the moon while I just threw my phone after seeing the text message and went back to the pc to play games. The only reason I study is because I want it to end as fast as possible so I try to not repeat semesters or get extended. Sometimes I’m intrigued with stuff but never strong enough to make me study or read about it. I’m just an overglorified slave that nobody appreciates. Nothing more, probably less. My bosses thinks Im a donkey and the people think im a capitalist demon.
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