My messed up mind

[nadiajas]

My heart it’s hurting. I need to learn to record my happiness when I feel it. Or when a good thing happens. But somehow when there’s sadness or disappointment I remember it and feel it the most that I’ve forgotten there’s also joy and satisfaction in my life too. I’m being melancholy maybe it hormones or the lag of sleep or the stress of being around ppl. I sometimes feel like I don’t have a safe space even though I have my own room. A room that has always been shared by ppl. I should be used to it. Maybe use to it isn’t the right phrase to describe my situation. You know what ppl would say. Don’t be a baby u can’t make a sacrifice for your family. At the same time if I lose my family I can’t even describe what I would feel. Maybe I will be depressed and separate my emotions and become cold. Being cold I can do. Somehow I have a high EQ which totally sucks when I want to protect myself. I’ll end it here my ramblings.

[nadiajas]

Just one of those nights where I'm hormonal and emotional. Now I'm stuck and do not know how to get out of funk.

[nadiajas]

Sick child problems

Im stressed because my mom is stressed. Niece is currently in the hospital for some virus similar to HFMD. And being slight 30 days old doesnt help matters. When my mom is stressed i get the end of her short temper. As always. Im playing victim. Sharing a room doesn't help. Everything is compressed. Everyday i go to work without enough sleep. Whats sleep anyways right. I mean i choose this job. Now im having indigestion from stress. How come every problems other ppl faced im the one having to manage my emotions. I have a problem.

[nadiajas]

My heart is hurting so much. Is it normal to feel jealous of my sister. My mom always pays more attention to my siblings since young just because, according to my mom, im independent and also dependable. And i guess she always has this certain expectation that I'll just be as dependable without emotions, i guess. She never asked how i feel about a situation but always opinions about how others feel bout the same situation. Im starting to treat her like she treats me. I should have acted out when im younger. Acting out now is just childish and juvenile. Im just hurting cause she has my almost useless dad to vent. Who do i vent so it won't sound like im a spoilt ungrateful brat. My brain tells me God. But my heart says it should be someone who understands me.

[nadiajas]

10 February 2023

Life has since change since that date. My have niece and my sister is officially a mom. And my parents officially grandparents.

Congratulations to me. I love the little bundle already.

Donwside is im lacking of space, sleep and rest. Cuz my mom wont stop fussing. And my room is constantly occupied. I'm literally exhausted but not feeling it yet. Have been numb for the past 3 days. Today i woke up feeling emotionally frustrated. Im not sure what to do yet. I almost booked staycation on the spot. I really need space i wont get for a long time. I most likely have to wait till sept or even of the year. Not sure im gg to survive. Almost wanting to take up my friend's offer of her free room in her new house. Still thinking.

[nadiajas]

I've read somewhere that my lack of emotions or mindlessness is a sign of a psychopath or was it socio. I know that it's because I'm mentally exhausted. Havent been getting proper sleep and rest. Mybmind is racing all the time because ppl wont leave me alone when i need it. I care too much about people's feelings and thoughts when no one bothers about mine. Im comtemplating ignorance and indifference. Both are no good. People have treated me the same and i only need positivity. So.. bye I'll see what I'll do when im on vacation. Probably nothing too wild.

[nadiajas]

There were days I feel like im not good enough since i fail that test. Not sure if ppl were tip toeing and not given me a straight answer. I can tell. Im not blind. Im the best at reading ppl. I hate it. I thought i was ok and moving on from it. It was mentioned again and i feel it. The feeling of wanting to run away from my problems. I wish i could, even if it's only temporary. I would say it is trauma. So, there's nohing i can do and let dull the anxiety. I dont know who to talk to. Im not sure anyone outside of work would understand. But it's there. I realise time and again i have no one to physically hold on to. I hope God would help ease this anxiety.

[nadiajas]

I did not work in this line to get into more drama i dont need. Especially involving people i know too close and too well. Im ok with confrontation and intervention although i might have a hard time accepting it. But i wont know how the other person will react or what they will be thinking. I really dislike it. Cause then it will be a test of bonds and if it fails theirs many people who are linked by that bond will be affected. Why? The question is why did this happened. I've stopped talking. Or have i failed again in controlling myself when it comes to negative thoughts. 🙃

[nadiajas]

I've seen some people's rise and their fall. What can i learn from them. Am i following in their steps to failure. What would i have done differently.

[nadiajas]

I cant wait to have my own room to myself. And then after that cant wait to have my own home. Start small and then go for bigger things. And im contemplating investments once I received some molahs. Something recurring that i can access to anytime. But not sure how to go about it. I dont know who to ask or where to look at. It's risky and im not getting any younger. So, i have a lot of thoughts bout it but not doing anything. I need to do some research. I know there'll be some restrictions but hey. At least i got some foresight?

[nadiajas]

Liking the idea of having my own space to myself. But its gg to be a lot of work once new person shifts in and then the most responsible one move out. Im having questions like should i get a tv and a game console. Or if i want to do more. Im a bit out of idea. Anyways.. i got a feeling that its gonna be a stressful few months ahead all the way till new years. So i hope i can handle it.

[nadiajas]

Crap. I can feel my mind closing off. Trying hard to get out of it. Im crying and dying a little inside. I need an out.

[nadiajas]

Now i can kinda know how it feels to get cheated on. I cannot imagine the pain someone goes through not knowing and then thinking they did something wrong.

Its like wow. I couldnt imagine why ppl cheat unless they are selfish or too needy or just addicts.

[nadiajas]

Im tired again. It's been a long time since i wrote something here or even writing in a diary. I felt like I was ok for quite a while. Im not lost. Im just tired and dont know where to start. I've been procrastinating. This i know very well. Im also a bit kind of like in denial. Im gg to feel the full force of emotions when my sister gets married. And then when my brother get married and wife moves in. Im in need of something. My mom have been telling me to go on blind dates. And im just a ball of anxiety which i need to face before i breakdown or shut down. So far I've manage to come back out and about. Right now its just so tiring i cant put my mind in perspective.

I need to change job, this i also know but i fear is holding me back. A lot of what ifs is in my head and my heart hurts. I feel a lot and it's taking a toll on my health and i can feel it. I just feel a lot. Maybe is hormones talking since im post PMS. So... im not sure. Im restless in my mind and heart and usually the answer is to pray and ask from God. But im just wordless. Just a lot of feels.

Im scared a lot this past months ever since the pandemic and I have a lot of unknown and unchartered places and responsibilities i have to take on. Its giving me too much anxiety and im constantly surrounded by people which doesnt help with my fears and anxiety. My words makes me sound like a baby. And all this shall pass. But im really scared of the future. Im not sure i can take good care of my parents when everyone is married off and move out. Im just a little depressed that my siblings are moving on and im not. Some days i feel stuck. Looking for a another job and starting all over again is streeful enough cuz i know i can do it. But taking that first leap and thinking of what ifs is just stopping me from a lot. I know I have potential. But i feel like it's not here. I dont know really what i want. After all the anxiety. All i want is my quiet space, a stable income possibly where I dont have to meet people and just be confortable living my life.

I just need space not occupied by other people literally. All i have right now is a lot of space with people which i dont need. And i cant rest because i dont have it.

[nadiajas]

Still annoying af. I need it to end. I know I'll win. But it also makes me the villain.

[nadiajas]

It's ok for everyone else in the family to not do anything and do nothing all day. Sometimes be out and do nothing all day i get comments. Ok. I went out of country and come back clean my room that is so dusty like nobody lived there for a week and my sis was home all weekend. Nothing. Im home 1 whole day and get the comments of lazy and doing nothing. So if i dont earn enough and spend enough on family im not contributing. Ok. Im done. Cant wait to move out. As usual im nobody in this household. One work and doesnt bring home anything but complain all day. One works but never home and never contributed to household, only contributed to fiancees household. One work and act like queen in the household. One keep tracks biasly of the whole thing.

[nadiajas]

Im restless everyday. Contemplating a new job. But dont know what to do or which way to go. I need a bit of direction. I still dont know what i enjoy but to laze and do nothing. In doing so my body feels weak not like my old self pulling myself down. I dont even know if i make sense but work have been putting me down the pass months because of the people surrounding me. Even though i try hard to ignore and get on with day to day chores, it gets tiring acting like everything is ok.

I need direction so badly im a bit leaning towards ignoring others.