Im tired again. It's been a long time since i wrote something here or even writing in a diary. I felt like I was ok for quite a while. Im not lost. Im just tired and dont know where to start. I've been procrastinating. This i know very well. Im also a bit kind of like in denial. Im gg to feel the full force of emotions when my sister gets married. And then when my brother get married and wife moves in. Im in need of something. My mom have been telling me to go on blind dates. And im just a ball of anxiety which i need to face before i breakdown or shut down. So far I've manage to come back out and about. Right now its just so tiring i cant put my mind in perspective.
I need to change job, this i also know but i fear is holding me back. A lot of what ifs is in my head and my heart hurts. I feel a lot and it's taking a toll on my health and i can feel it. I just feel a lot. Maybe is hormones talking since im post PMS. So... im not sure. Im restless in my mind and heart and usually the answer is to pray and ask from God. But im just wordless. Just a lot of feels.
Im scared a lot this past months ever since the pandemic and I have a lot of unknown and unchartered places and responsibilities i have to take on. Its giving me too much anxiety and im constantly surrounded by people which doesnt help with my fears and anxiety. My words makes me sound like a baby. And all this shall pass. But im really scared of the future. Im not sure i can take good care of my parents when everyone is married off and move out. Im just a little depressed that my siblings are moving on and im not. Some days i feel stuck. Looking for a another job and starting all over again is streeful enough cuz i know i can do it. But taking that first leap and thinking of what ifs is just stopping me from a lot. I know I have potential. But i feel like it's not here. I dont know really what i want. After all the anxiety. All i want is my quiet space, a stable income possibly where I dont have to meet people and just be confortable living my life.
I just need space not occupied by other people literally. All i have right now is a lot of space with people which i dont need. And i cant rest because i dont have it.