A Poetic Journey

Finally deciding to document some of my poems from over the years.

[nadiyyac]

May 11th 2015

I'm sorry, I can only show you I love you, by pounding your face in. That seems to be the only way you can receive affection, by neglecting the people who want the best for you Who want to see your smile I'm sorry I never get to see you smile. That you can only glare when I'm around With hearts filled with anguish And eyes with abomination I grew reluctant of waiting to receive your love Sick of patching things up I'm sorry The only way we can get along is by not speaking Acting like you and I aren't breathing Telling strangers my mom died Just like my affection and tears that dried My tears form swamps because of their murky matters Don't let my tear drops splatter because they're the kind to ruin your shirt Stain like dirt I'm sorry I can only cry for you And that your life was the way it was But even more so that you don't want it to get any better And I have to be mature and Clever when it comes to my own mom Because she's a ticking time bomb with a short circuit I'm sorry I wasn't worth it to you Humbling yourself Loving yourself Taking care of yourself Wanting to live I always thought maybe you'd do it for me and then I saw. The vindictiveness that seeped from your skin. The malice that intruded your soul. The depression that swallowed your faith. And the pain, that has taken over your mind. Your rationally replaced with erratically. Your patience replaced with impulsiveness. Your love replaced with hatred. Your hugs, always forsaken. With 20 years of futile attempts, I gave up on trying to mend. I've been trying to resurrect my mother all along, but I'm sorry to say, I'll only be able to love you when you're gone. Finished today

[nadiyyac]

March-June

I must have been predisposed to abuse.

Whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional.

People know to misemploy me.

Destroy me.

I must have been predisposed to abuse because it seems to follow me with every relationship that I have.

My dad use to beat my mom.

But my mom was so big of a fire that he just couldn’t put her out.. (Extinguish her roaring flames)

No matter the amount of fists, shrieks, and shouts.

She would still burn the house down.

I was playing anti gravity.

Keeping two fist from colliding, but not strong enough to release his grip from around my mother neck..

Those same marks keep showing on mine years later..

I didn’t know scars were heredity, trauma could be passed down

These scars feel like my birth mark.

Pleased so precisely he knew by ripping this part of my neck I would choke.

Not knowing I was already prepared for this I fight with my fire like my mother taught..

Or atleast how she brought me up.

I must have been vulnerable to abuse..

Because I now obtain the same coping skills as my mother,

Chastising my brother, I never wanted to become an engulfing flame like her.

I can only concur that abuse is a cycle..

My mothers flames that’s she’s obtain to keep the world out have burnt my brother and I down.

Replacing our curiosity driven smiles with permanent frowns.

Her words, melting us down as if she were a welder.

I understood why my dad tried to put out her fire,

But my mom was a fighter…

I must have been prone to abuse

Because flame throwing words killed my self esteem, at only 13.

Starting back since I was 6.

I didn’t know which hurt more, her words or her fist.

I grew to hate my own existence because it just didn’t seem to please you.

But how could you love me, when you never dealt with your abuse..

I’m pretty sure I was made liable to abuse.

That’s why my boyfriend clinches my neck the way he does, it can’t be his fault.

That’s why my ex boyfriend clinched my neck the way he did, it can’t be his fault

that’s why my dad clinched my neck the way he did my mothers, it can’t be his fault

Because these words we speak are like Forrest fires, cremating our surround peers with our words

One blow and it’s all gone.

Char and ashes covering the savory sweet green grass that use to grow, long brown branches stretching out like limps, burned with first degree burns like the ones I wear all over my body from the fire.

My mother use to beat me, but her words hurt me more.

My father never provided, but his lack of parental advocacy as a man hurt me more

I’ve been predisposed to abuse so the only two boyfriends I’ve had caught on to that trait and they beat me.

Your cries of affectionate sound so much more sincere when they are truly followed by tears

My story doesn’t sound right without me gasping for air

My eyes only seem to tell the truth when they our bulging out coated with indigo welps.

I must have been predisposed to abuse

My youth filled with foggy memories.

Only moments I remember I those stained in time with blood.

I didn’t fall for the thug, no the boy with mommy issues

I don’t know where the tissues are for the million tears that fall.

I must be some type of pawn.

Too let the beatings continue on

Fist of fury flying back

But they’re no match for you flying fist of might.

He hit me at midnight,

And I tried to act too tired to leave then.

This is strike 10, and I can’t go through this again.

I can’t sit here and pretend like this isn’t happening What type of reaction is blacking my eye? Or busting my lip? Or twisting my limbs? How can we pretend like the world isn’t trying to kill me. My men, my brothers, my mother, my father, why bother?

I must have been birthed into the cycle. Because when my boyfriend fractured my face I didn’t react I seem to be on track, keeping right up with cycle This is second nature To cope with the Pain every relationships has its up and downs or its dead. It’s dead.. If you don’t stick it out through the fights what’s the points? He said he didn’t mean to hit me.. But I can’t play Whitney, Bobby believe me be I love myself more than to play punching bag. Baby, I stepped out of that ring 3 years ago. But it appears as though I’ve been cursed with abuse. What’s love got to do with you taking away my sight,

I can’t stay out of freight. Fear that something this scary will come at me again. This is strike number 10. And I’m out.

[nadiyyac]

Remembering Your Name

This article has been long overdue. If I don’t write about my friends then who will? If I don’t scream out their names who will? I can’t let my friends death be in vain.

I speak out for the young men and young women who have loss their lives to police brutality. The genocide on the black body that America promotes, but I can not remain silent on the genocide that is also taken place among my friends. The senseless violence has to come to an end some way.

[nadiyyac]

Are You Awake? The Importance Of Consciousness Among African Americans

America is destroying the black body and broadcasting it live. Here's how we can do better.

[nadiyyac]

10 Ways To Start Loving Yourself Without Social Media

You can be liberated without revealing your body to the world.

[nadiyyac]

February 21st, 2016

I told myself the next time I fell in love I would be prepared. From some natural disaster taking him away to him just waking up not loving me anymore. I told myself no matter what I would be ok. Any emotional reaction would be normal, but not normal enough to last for more than a hour. I told myself no matter what I would move on fast. So when I fell in love with you, believe me it was the most unexpected thing. The most unplanned emotion, unanticipated experience, but it was magical. And I was so unprepared. To waking up in a reverie, gazing at your eyelashes waiting for your eyelids to rupture open. Like my heart when you took apart my defensive exterior. Cold and shiny armory I'm used to being my own knight and shining armor so I have strong beliefs in chivalry. You swept me off my feet, And I don't know anyone who could equate or meet to the mass of matter you mean to me. I never thought you would affect me so drastically. The next couple months would a phantasmagoria of never ending kisses, and jaunty wishes of you to stay. I don't know how else to say, Just don't walk away. I told myself, the next I fell for someone I would be prepared. Too focused on myself to even recognize the compassion there. I told myself to longer be burdened with fear, but just to love you and cherish you while you are here.

[nadiyyac]

July 6th, 2015

They labeled my brother a felon when he was 7. While children overseas run around with Mac 11's Felon, was written in his DNA. See 3 out of 4 black men these days, will be incarcerated at some point in their life. One would think to think wise, but what's the point of thinking twice when the world already has it set in stone. It's prone, that you will not succeed so little black boy why even think to challenge thee. They labeled my brother a thug at birth. Mistaking his grasps for fingertips for guns at first The doctors are not only hiding their faces, but their purses Cursed that another black boy has entered this world Tell me. Little black boy what gets you mad? Is it the gruesome past our ancestors have had Or can you see that future, tell me what are you willing to fight for? They marked my baby brother a menace to society at 10 Disregarding his infatuation with paint and pens They diagnosed him with anger problems back then, maybe because you won't leave him the hell alone It's weird when a little black boy stays home We teach them not to be afraid to roam but even more afraid they won't return home These streets are a war zone little black boy where will you run? Unstable environments causing heavy hearts Causing dark thoughts These black boys were taught to come out swinging because you'll never be able to tell what the world is bringing little black boy You have to be mentally stronger than this world. Your mind, is a pearl. The fellow Americans on the world see your true power but they don't want you to see. They told me 3 out of 4 black men experience incarceration at some point in their life. So if my 3 brothers were white would I be able to peacefully at night? Little black boy don't you dim your light. They can't lock up your mind Black boy.

[refinery29]

Amber Rose Takes on Teen Boy Culture

A story Rose recently shared about being sexually assaulted and then victim-blamed would enrage anyone. Rose revealed an incident from her middle school days in Philadelphia when she was groped inappropriately.

tw: sexual assault

READ MORE

GIFS VIA.

[eearth-deactivated20180601]

She’s so necessary

[nadiyyac]

February 21st, 2016..

She rose like the sun. She rose as if she was waking up for school in the morning. Her eyes achy from staying up all night But she rose like she was going to stand for something. She rose like a deer's neck when startled in the middle of eating. Quickly and alertly making note of her surroundings. She rose like a wave approaching the shore like. Reaching higher and higher towards the sun gaining more momentum before she came crashing down. Her thrust of waves pushing the beach watchers back. But she would rise again. She would rise like a pansy beginning to sprout through its soil. Continuing to grow wildly, vibrantly, and with purpose. She rose each morning knowing she was worth it.. She rose from decades of oppression She rose from fabricated truths Half truths diluted even more with bigotry. Only a mental slave would continue to believe the lies fed to our people. She rose up from the pile of the stepped on and walked over She rose up because she was going to stand for something. She rose like a black fist, fingers united, that symbolized our fight for justice. She rose up for us.

[nadiyyac]

lowkey I had a thing for you the longest

My biggest fear

Love

I tell myself don’t let it consume you But it devours my flesh Clawing it’s way out But always coming up short Suppressed showing no direction Of loving you to infinity and beyond perfection Doubts enrage my mind which evades The truth You are my sweet tooth That candy I can’t get enough of Believing it bad for me I am a coward but I should be Because the amount of love I possess Equals to the army a thousand men But in fear of defeat I cannot surrender

Hope you enjoy 😘 North philly niggas poetic Your tweets bought me here #wcw

[nadiyyac]

Made my day.. Love the fact that people can share their work with me. I thought this piece was amazing and worded perfectly. I didn’t know how to reply privately lol, but thank you so much for this. 

[nadiyyac]

lowkey I had a thing for you the longest

My biggest fear Love I tell myself don't let it consume you But it devours my flesh Clawing it's way out But always coming up short Suppressed showing no direction Of loving you to infinity and beyond perfection Doubts enrage my mind which evades The truth You are my sweet tooth That candy I can't get enough of Believing it bad for me I am a coward but I should be Because the amount of love I possess Equals to the army a thousand men But in fear of defeat I cannot surrender Hope you enjoy 😘 North philly niggas poetic Your tweets bought me here #wcw

[elladobdelapupa]

[tyleroakley]

WARM MY HEART

[nadiyyac]

Omg you are very talented. I am impressed greatly! Keep improving & growing 💕 you have my support

Thank you so much, it means the world 💗😘

[nadiyyac]

November 11th, 2015

I write to you in your 13th year. Your first year as a teenager and all of the myths seem to be true.. Branching off trying to find who you truly are, from dressing how you like, dying and cutting your hair into the old school basketball haircuts. Toot da barber, you were one of his hair prodigies. I love you so much, and I'll continuously say that throughout this letter, but that's because it's so important that you know. It's so important that you know that you have an outlet. You don't have to shut down and shut out because I've been there. All of these other people, my younger sisters, young women on social media, they come to me for guidance, for advice, for comfort, and I can supply all of that and more for you. I am your older sister and I know the struggle that you are in. Only the one within the household, not within the world. As a young black male, you will face so many In Casualties, in justices, racism, and I don't want you to be alarmed when you encounter it. I want you to be prepared for this world, not naive, vulnerable, gullible, and alone like I was. I was strong, persistent, and whole hearted. Persistent yes like I never gave up, but persistent like I never let anything defeat me. I will tell you everything I know. Everything I can that will help you develop the strength you need in your journey of becoming of man. Not to bash anyone, but you have to be your own teacher. I was my own teacher. Without the guidance from our parents, our grandparents being older I don't necessarily know who to tell you to turn too. I know you have the same resistance in you I had. And that you will raise yourself well. I love you, and it is important that you know I am here to aid you. Despite that, I have to say not to let my own experiences steer you from finding out on your own. But choose wisely which things are worth experiencing. You will learn and you will understand what I'm saying. But I am so proud of you. For not sinking in a crashed ship. For keeping on your life jacket and staying afloat. In Caribbean seas. Warm sometimes mild water. Your mother was like the sun beaming down on me as I was casted away in the Mediterranean Sea. My thoughts never dried out from the heat. The constant uv rays burning my skin, I felt she tried her hardest to give me cancer. My thoughts never dried out even when my hope did. Don't mistake anything I say for the misplace of love I have for your mother. Note that the journey of discovering how to love her, of discovering how much I love her and how truly cherish able she is to me. I love your mother more than she could ever comprehend. I hope that says enough. She is unpredictable like the sea. Waves calm one day and throwing you in circular thrusts and threw the air. I don't know what's in store for you. You just have to continue to remain afloat no matter what. When sharks invade your water, when the tropical storms come, when the sun comes burning down, when your supply of food runs out you must hunt, you must shade yourself, you must hold tight, you must fight back, you must survive. I write to you because I want you to be strong like me. From the looks of it you are in the same lifeboat I was in. A white raft which you will feel represents your pureness and innocence.. White does not represent that at all and you will understand why I painted my raft black before finding the strength to build myself a boat. Because your mother was just one sea in the ocean of the world that America has set up for you. After reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, and open letter to his 15 year old son, and seeing how he pulled his construction of this message from a book that was set up in the same letter format, James baldwins letter to his nephew, I knew i could do the same. I found my lassitude for writing things that I knew had the true potential of turning into great bodies of work a masked face of fear. Fear to be great and I don't ever want you to have that fear. Face it young, so you can exude your maximum potential sooner. -- Unrevised, and unedited, letter I wrote to my younger brother Thomas. In his 8th grade he's at his 4th school. Struggling to find the motivation to apply hisself, his full capabilities in school and at home with my mom. I know what's stored in my little brother. Loving him more than anything in this world. I began to write to him, inspired by a novel I had to read for my English class my Freshman year in college. One of the many letters I wrote my baby brother in hopes to inspire him to push himself to be spectacular in every way. To be a gentleman, a beautiful, and intelligent young man. And many other things, but most importantly who he truly is. I hope my wisdom from our countless conversations, or me just lecturing him mostly lol help him in every way possible.

[nadiyyac]

My Love Is Like The Wind Inspired By Nina Simone

My love is like the wind… Let the wind blow through your heart…

My love is wild like the wind

Stirring up chaos from the start.

My love is like the wind

Pushing people away

Twirling around your thoughts

Abruptly caressing your skin.

Gust of wind as my silhouette..

Constantly turning and turning and turning into tornados of love..

My love is like the wind..

Gust of wind, my silhouette looks like a vortex of love.

My love is like the wind..

Forceful.. And coming from every direction

Without regretting, I ask of you to run off into the wind..

A windy day, tears begin to form.

I’m hoping they’re there because I’m not yours anymore.

My love is like the wind

It will kiss your face, then pass you by.

Written December 29th, 2014

[nadiyyac]

November 23rd, 2015

He put a halt on my words. I didn't want to think and process what I was feeling. I just wanted to feel. Your smooth skin run against my cheek. The generation of heat from the covers. From each other. Comfort in each touch. Wanting to hug you longer each time I squeezed you. Kiss each lip before fully kissing you Your lips soft like rose petals, Rubbing patience throughout me. Eyes shaped like almonds, fitting perfectly onto his face. Fingers filling empty gaps. Forehead kisses leading back to the thoughts of flowers maybe me laying in a meadow. I'm at peace every time you speak. The concern in your tone being enough for me. That's basically telling me you love me, but you stayed around to actually prove it. I'm gonna lose it Because He put my world on a pause. Made each phone call and text message irrelevant. Each Twitter post pointless unless we just wanted to laugh. Perfecting my craft of love with you. How easily it is to master hate, but the feelings you stimulate are arousal. Of my compassion, my kindness, empathy and love. Arousal of my thoughts. Each time you touch I find myself dreaming this can't be real and awakening myself even happier every time. I just wanted this moment with you. I know what it's like for feelings to fade. But I truly believe things will stay this way. I've fallen for my bestfriend. A gentlemen who never forgets to hold the doors, have me on the inside of the street, compliment me, and have me want to feel again. I feel again. I'm so glad to have you.

[nadiyyac]

August 31st, 2015.

We were an atom.

Not an item, but an atom.

Made up of protons, neutrons, electrons too

Positive and negatives, but we pushed through.

Chemical reactions rearrange atoms to form different kinds of matter.

So when I began not to matter I started to wonder whatchu were reacting too

When you go mixing different fluids the reactions change..

So who have you’ve been entertaining..

We were an atom, and the law of conservation of

matter says that they do not change

But you stopped acting the same..

I just know that you were fucking around

And it’s tearing me down..

Nuclear reactions cause atoms to split

So my heart was shattered when you called it quits

Nuclear bombs end lives and nuclear reaction killed

my love..

My love..

They say opposites attract and I’d still retrace back to

when we didn’t have shit and I was your only chick

and I swear I’d do it better.

Swear I’d treat you better

Swear we’d grind smarter

We would’ve lasted forever.

We were an atom, but atoms don’t split.

So maybe we were an item because when you were

done you just returned the shit