It’s been a while since I’ve been on here. I just needed a place to free flow my thoughts. So don’t mind me.
I’ve been thinking for a while about breaking up with my boyfriend. He’s sweet, funny, I love him.
Our main issue is that, he has a hard time making time for me. As he says “I’m still learning how to be a dad and a boyfriend at the same time.” Granted I have given him benefit of the doubt, we did start dating when COVID hit Guam and the lockdown happened. However, as restrictions eased up and both our families received the vaccine, why isn’t he asking to see me?
Does he not want to see me? I feel like on average we’ve only seen each other once a month. Is that sufficient enough for him?
I had/have really bad anxiety. He knows that. He’s been really patient and understanding about it. I’ve worked really hard to fight those intrusive thoughts because he never gave me a reason that he would leave me. Now, it’s different.
He says he feels guilty and that I deserve more time but that’s usually where he ends that conversation. There’s no follow through. We’ve barely talked on the phone. Our messages are getting less and less. I feel like the only time we see each other is out of obligation and sex.
I always have to ask to see him. I don’t even remember the last time he asked if we could hang out and see each other.
I’m trying really hard to keep it together, make it easier for him. I would never ask him to pick between me and his son. One that would be stupid and selfish of me and two I know he would always pick him. I don’t wanna be that person his son hates because she took dada away. I’ve tried thinking of things we can do together, the three of us but I’m starting to think my boyfriend doesn’t want that.
We’ve talked about getting married and having a family and not once have I disregarded his son. I always made sure he was included into our plans.
“I enjoy controlled loneliness. I like wandering around the city alone. I’m not afraid of coming back to an empty flat and lying down in an empty bed. I’m afraid of having no one to miss, of having no one to love.”
