[nakauwi-na]

susubukan

sino na nga ba ako? gumaling sa ibang aspeto ngunit naging makalawang sa iba. kailangan bang pumili? gumagawa ba ako ng dahilan o sadyang hindi lang pinalad? hindi tayo pantay-pantay pero dapat pantay-pantay. gumagawa ba ako ng dahilan? magulong isip. alin ang uunahin. lahat naman ay importante para mabuo ang larawan pero alin ang uunahin? palaging hindi sapat. gumagawa ba ako ng dahilan? sino na ako? bakit ko ba masyadong iniisip? ‘di na lang damhin.

[nakauwi-na]

4 July 2019

Aloha. It’s been a while since I wrote anything here. My biggest life update is my promotion. I’ve risen one rank higher in a job where many stay stagnant because of how competitive it is. The odds were not in my favor but with grit, I stood out. Feels weird to say that but I think I really did. I’m still perplexed. Maybe it’s my low self esteem.

[nakauwi-na]

day 5

i was recommended to take my meds over the weekend too so i can further document any improvement. will take to the doc on monday for possible re-up. 🤔

[nakauwi-na]

day 3

I told my doc that meds have been keeping me awake in the morning but my attention and focus concerns have not improved.

[nakauwi-na]

day 2

I feel the same as yesterday. I am still having the same difficulty concentrating on simple tasks, being easily distracted with external stimuli that impairs my ability to focus, and instances of mental block especially during conversations but i find that my anxiety has decreased. i feel more at peace.

[nakauwi-na]

day 1

a few months ago, i have decided, after a long (long) time of contemplation, to self-report my mental health concerns. honestly, this is my “normal;” this is what my whole life feels like (whatever this is) so i was convinced i’ll continue to live my life without putting a label on anything and i’ll be okay with it (it may just be a life thing, i thought) but the final straw for me to finally seek professional help is the fact that i started to have noticeable panic attacks at work due to my awareness that i was having difficulty paying attention or remembering anything or that my mind often feels like a bubble that would burst in the middle of me doing anything or talking with someone and my anxiety was heightened by this awareness. it was affecting my job and my job right now is my world. i couldn’t afford to let myself fall apart isolated in this tiny island away from my loved ones and my real support. killing myself was not an option. (i don’t think i actually have the guts to do it. like ever. for now.) 

a month ago, i met with a psychologist for the first time ever. it felt like a lifetime dream of mine. that feeling when you’re finally facing that person who may be able to tell you what the hell has been wrong with you your whole life. that thought had a comforting promise. that day i took a comprehensive questionnaire about how my life/work is, do i want to kill myself, etc. after the questionnaire was face-to-face with a clinical psychologist to repeat some of the questions and some additional ones a real person would ask, and then the test. while i was in that office, there was instantaneous comfort as a patient and i also thought this is what i really want to pursue - to become a psychologist like this guy. my heart beats for it.

six days ago, i came back for a follow up and according to my test result, my psychologist has diagnosed me with a combined-type attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (adhd).

The DSM-V lists nine symptoms that suggest ADHD Primarily Inattentive, and nine that suggest ADHD Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive.

To have ADHD Combined Type, an individual must meet the guidelines of both ADHD Primarily Inattentive and ADHD Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive — that is, they must exhibit 6 of the 9 symptoms listed for each sub-type.

this diagnosis still seems surreal to me. it still doesn’t sink in that i now have a label for what i’m going through. there is some comfort but also some apprehension whether i will get better or worse in time upon finding out. i guess it will take time for me to reconcile since i’ve lived my whole life this way and now i’m suddenly looking at life with clearer lenses. not to be dramatic but i really do see my life so much differently since then and it’s mostly in a good way. and it’s making me feel uneasy a little bit. maybe some feeling of guilt too.

yesterday, i met with my provider (as a requirement whenever you see a specialist) to take about treatments. he also happens to be my department supervisor so he knows me a little bit better. we chatted. i expressed how i felt about the diagnosis and then right there i realized that it’s okay. that i wanted to feel normal. that maybe i can’t see something that they can see. i wanted to change something. and he said something that convinced me - treatment wouldn’t necessarily make me the most attentive person ever all of a sudden. but it’s there so that i won’t scar. 

today is my day one of taking medication. i was prescribed concerta®. my doc suggests that i document how i respond to this treatment to see if i make progress with it. i’m still in the process of learning more about adhd and this medication (as well as the others that are out there). i’m currently taking 18 mg once a day every morning (extended release) and testing it out for 30 days to see if i need to change the dosage or the medication itself. so far, i feel great. i don’t feel much of a change but i do notice a shift somewhere in me even if it may be a really tinie, tiny change. placebo effect or not, it gave me hope. as a stimulant, i was expecting a more caffeine-like effect, more instantaneous, but the “relief” i was feeling was more relaxed and spread throughout the day. (although i still did notice myself slipping into the symptoms many, many times today, i was able to handle them with less anxiety.) if i’m not mistaken, there is usually a specific time frame where the medication will reach its full effect. i’m still learning all about it. today, i feel hopeful.

[nakauwi-na]

i was today years old when i got diagnosed with adhd.

[nakauwi-na]

If this was the final day

Babalikan ko ‘yung tatlong taon lang ako. Nakasakay sa harap ng motor. Malamig na hangin humahampas sa muhka ko.

Babalikan ko ‘yung kasama ko mommy ko. Kumakain kami sa paborito niyang resto noong college siya.

Babalikan ko ‘yung tinuturuan ako ng tatay ko ng mahihirapan na lessons. Tinuturuan niya akong magsaulo ng mga scientific names ng mga halaman at hayop.

Babalikan kong mabuhay sa labas ng sarili at kasama ang iba.

Babalikan ko ‘yung akay akay pa ako ng iba. ‘Yung mundo ay di pa ako kayang gambalain.

Habang tumatanda ako nakikita ko yung buhay ko nawawalan lang ng sigla. Numinipis ang saysay at nababaon sa kalugmukan.

Lugmok na lugmok na ako mula loob hanggang labas. Parang sa pagiwas ko sa disgrasya ay lalo pa itong lumalapit. Wala akong magawa. Hindi ko magawang humingi ng tulong.

[nakauwi-na]

The safest place I have ever known A comfort that can last me a lifetime of vexation The calm of my heart and the storm in my soul I have forgotten what fear feels like Deep set eyes that hold me down A pleasant dream in the realms of my reality You soothe the disarrayed waves inside me And although it would never be enough, My angel, you own my heart if you wish to I won’t give you the world that only scars You deserve a galaxy, you deserve the stars You’re the safest place I have ever landed on and in many lifetimes I wish to stay on

[nakauwi-na]

I’m reminded again. This loneliness no human can take away. The abyss of childhood flashbacks. Lonely is all I have ever known. Pictures. I have none. In my head, there are tons. All dark and blurry. Family. Friends. Distant. I have questions. How does one maintain? Hi hello and how are you’s every now and then. How not to brush them off and deem them uninteresting? How to live amongst them? How to cooperate? Involved. We have nothing to say. I look up and I turn my back around. I stay where I am within the confines of my comfort. This fear of words that come out from their mouth. Insincerity. Pretention. Competition. Family doesn’t mean shit. My small ears listened. I heard words. I remembered and I internalized. I understood and it rings like a distant siren every now and then. They hurt. Young as I was, I knew. Actions versus what’s in their heart. Caring versus saving face. It’s all about them. Who raised me to be this way? How lonely this is. It shouldn’t be hard. It should be a keeper of your soul. But it isn’t. It is where your heart first gets broken. People who don’t know you wants the most from you.

[nakauwi-na]

susubukan ko. heto na -

una, paano ba?

pangalawa, sana ay maintindihan; kung hindi ay naiintindihan ko naman

pangatlo, heto ang mundo nais iabot sa’yo; abot mo ba o masyado itong malayo

pang-apat, pero

sayang;

mga pagkukulang, mga agwat at ‘di pagkakaintidihan

wala naman akong nais

o wala nga ba

‘di alam saan maguumpisa

una, paano ba?

[nakauwi-na]

your smile under the neon lights. it starts to rain. skipping puddles and evading cars. leather jackets and vintage stores. a man is playing his guitar on a corner street. we stop to listen. the beat of my heart blasts against my chest. that movie. those people in the movie. what they said about each other, about what they feel, about what they want to do about it. it’s stuck. the whispers. the gaze. the holding back. the unsaid words. all of a sudden i remember we are on the same street. among thousands of people. on the same corner. listening to the same man playing his guitar. waiting for dimes so he can go home to his love. reflections on mirrors of people passing by. what are you thinking about?

[nakauwi-na]

to a girl, for a girl

to you who had me listening to 90′s love songs again. the one who had me smiling for days, grinning like a child making others wonder what’s on my mind or who i’m thinking about. the one who leaves me dumbfounded and almost guilty for forgetting i was ever sad. to you, the one who made me realize i could still be a main character in someone else’s story. to you who gives me crazy butterflies that feels like getting punched in the gut but i wouldn’t mind feeling over and over again. to you who woke me from slumber. to you who made me feel again. to the one i was waiting for. to you who arrived.

for you who feels like a warm, tight hug even from thousands of miles away. for your gentle and assuring words like nothing in this cruel world can ever harm us. for the calm you bring. for your presence so felt and serene like i was standing ashore on a vast ocean. like staring back at a pitch black sky, unreachable stars reminding us how insignificant we all really are. as if moments beside you was all that matters, that the universe could combust at that moment and it would be enough. we would be okay. for that feeling, like i’ve known you before. in a past life. in another universe. crossed a street passing you. we didn’t meet. we didn’t even lock eyes but we stood on the same ground. we looked at the same moon. we breathed the same air. reality is you’re a stranger to me in real world years but i feel like i’ve known you longer than people i’ve known all my life. it doesn’t seem to matter. you’re closer. my heart feels more at ease with you. for your soft. for all your soft. for your fierce tenderness that pierced through me without warning, without me looking, without me knowing. hitting me like the faintest, loudest sound. a blinding tunnel. a flashing light. a violent bullet train. rush hour at a train station filling me with anxiety but you held my hand and it was okay. darkness. flashbacks of the lives i’ve lived. i came to life again. everything was brighter. better. clearer. to you who gives me wings whilst also keeping me on the ground. to you who feels like a dream. the only reality i wish to be in. in an age of chaos, a safe place to land on. to you who reminds me of everything that’s still good and possible. what makes sense. so lost in the rubble of an era of playing games with each other’s hearts. to you, my sanity, that makes me go crazy over how much i feel for you. to you who catches me when i fall. to you who inspires me to try harder. to wake up. to believe again - that perfection exists within the imperfections. the quirks. the stutters. the honesty. realness. rawness. those moments when you can’t say the words because they’re too real. too real they hurt. that if you say them out loud they might consume you. they might have power over you. those are where perfection lies. feeling scared to fall but jumping anyway because something’s telling you that it will be worth it. to you who reminds me that there is no shame in the “baduy” because “baduy” is raw and honest, and raw and honest is brave. to the one who reminds me that true love is for the brave and for the brave only. to you who understands without me uttering a word. to you who knows my heart and whose heart i want to know.

for you who says my name a little differently as if i’m listening to my favorite song on a perfect afternoon. for you whose name sounds like a fragile melody. so beautiful it makes my chest hurt, literally. for your giggles that grow flowers on the walls of my brain. for the most endearing voice that says the right things at the right time. for your patience. for your heart. for the way you are. for who you are that i’m still trying to get to know. for every single second you decided to waste on me listening to my dumb stories. for accidents that seem like fate. for clichés. for meeting you here despite the stretch of billions of years in this boundless universe. love, my words are nothing. i can never put into words what’s between us. how you make me feel. our dreams and our futures. our idealism. our calculated hopes. our positive pessimism. the lessons we’ve learned from the past. we both know love is the sweetest and most “kilig” in the beginning but you sparked something inside me that makes me believe that it’s okay. it’s okay to hope. it’s okay to feel magic again. it’s okay to fall in love again like it’s the first time, like you’ve never been hurt before. it's okay to trust someone again, to hand them your heart and give it your all knowing you can lose everything all over again. it’s okay to let the “kilig” subside every now and then, letting it in when it’s there, not forcing it when it’s not but letting something deeper grow as we go. something more mature and enduring. something lasting. it’s not going to be easy but nothing worth it is, anyway. for you who is far away but feels close. please don’t grow tired of me yet because we’re only getting started. for you who i want to see the world with. for you who i wish to feel everything for the first time again with. for the adventures we’re about to take on. for the jokes and laughter. for that secret dimension in a crowded room only the two of us can perceive as we catch each other’s eyes a little dazed from the alcohol. for me releasing all doubts, realizing how much you mean to me and how far i’d go for you. you could’ve chosen anybody but for some reason you’ve landed on me. i don’t know what i did to deserve that. for you who deserves everything good. i’m not going to apologize for how fast i fell because i know that when it’s not there, no amount of time can forge a feeling that comes so rarely. time only helps to make it clearer and deeper. baby, it’s there. it’s impossible to ignore.

to Jade, for Jade,

for the one i was waiting for. for you who arrived. for you, my sweet serendipity. i root for you. always. with me or without me. i root for you. it’s a privilege to know someone like you and if you don’t mind - i am very much in love with you.

[nakauwi-na]

ikaw ang ilog na bumaha sa natutuyo niyang mga labi.

[nakauwi-na]

gusto ko ng pag-ibig na parang indie film - diretso, sagad sa buto. langit na background sa ibabaw ng bundok at mga puno ng saging. pagtipa sa gitara. boses. karagatan na kinukumutan ng mga huni ng ibon. ilaw at mga anino. pag-uwi sa'yo. sapat ako.

[sa-pagsawop-sa-adlaw-deactivate]

Before anything else, before the kisses and the flowers, let me tell you that sometimes you’ll be leaving them on my grave. Sometimes it’ll be hard to see me underneath my skin because of the scars my previous lovers left. Sometimes I won’t look you in the eyes because I am scared that you’ll take a glimpse of my soul and you’ll find a lonely, sad girl haunted by her past. I am afraid that if you go near me, you’ll find out that i am just an empty bottle–fragile, easily broken and nothing more. And when I am broken, it’s so hard to pick up the pieces of me on the floor because tiny bits of me will always be missing and you’ll just bleed on your fingers. I am afraid that if you get to know the rest of me, you’ll find out that I am just a shell you picked up in the shore. When you try to listen, all you can hear is an echo of loneliness and emptiness from the bottom of the sea. Soon you’ll find out that I am only a void and you can’t carry another weightless thing on your shoulder anymore. It’s too much to bear. Soon I’ll just break and fall. Soon I’ll just drown you in my ocean. Soon you’ll find out that you can’t save me because you forgot you’re afraid of thunderstorms. I am sorry.

warning signs || i am sorry  (via kanlvran)

[sa-pagsawop-sa-adlaw-deactivate]

come on, baby come bother me make love to me without taking my clothes off look me into the eyes until my soul is naked. come on, baby hold my hand, fly me to the moon then let’s make out in a blackhole but please, my dear heart whispers: “don’t ruin me”, “don’t make love to my soul but then leave me aching for you in the morning”, “don’t leave me with a void that only you can fill; i’m afraid i’ll never be able to love again”, “don’t touch me, don’t kiss me, don’t spark a fire in my veins if in the end, you’re just gonna leave me burning alone with my heartaches.“

come on, baby || x (via kanlvran)