Summary: Molly [reader] has been living on the beaches of Mexico for the last 3 years since being honourably discharged from the army and leaving her fiance back in Texas. Riddled with PTSD, she went on a bender, ending up in a small coastal farming town in the Yucatan. Forced into early retirement despite being the best sniper in her company and all the trauma that came with that responsibility, she has worked hard to obtain peace in her new life. She was closer than ever to fully achieving it, that is, until her ex-crew member and lifelong friend, Will Miller, showed up with a proposition to bring her out of retirement for one last job with the boys.
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The sun was hovering around the horizon, beating down on the beach as the water lapped the shore. You rolled the dirty cup around in the dishwater absentmindedly, scrubbing the dried coffee off the sides, letting your hands soak. It had been an easy day, a 5am rise for a morning surf, a bike ride to the market to pick up some fruit, and a mid day Dive to a wreck site with some tourists. All-in you had pocketed around $50, including tips, and a complimentary phone number from the bachelor who had tried to frisk you while you filled the tanks on the dock. It would get you enough food to last through to the weekend, and if it didn't, well, you could always call the bachelor tourist for dinner.
You were caught up in a daydream when you heard something rolling in through the bush, the sounds of the studded tires reverberating off of the rock and palm trees, the sand and jungle brush cracking and moving, the dull hum of the engine. You tipped your head closer to the window over the sink to see a slick black motorbike come to a stop near your hitch, a large muscular figure hooking his helmet on the handlebar before jumping off and walking towards your trailer door. Your hand hovered over the sidearm you kept loaded on your kitchen counter.
“Hey Sweet Cheeks” The voice shouted, the silhouette keeping its arms and hands visible.
Your stomach dropped. No way. The voice belonged to the boy who had pinched your ass as a kid, annoyed your ass as a teen, saved your ass as a new recruit in the army, and more than once grabbed your ass at the bar while you squeezed your ass into a tight dress. You froze for a moment before you looked out your window and saw him standing at your trailer door, waiting.
You opened it abruptly, swinging it hard enough that it hit the side of the trailer with a loud clank. You kept your arm out to keep it wide, surveying the sight in front of you with a shocked expression, your chest rising and falling in shallow, tight breaths of disbelief. He did the same, his eyes travelling up from your bare feet, along your tanned legs, to your jean shorts and your braless tank top, all the way to your shaded eyes.
“Will Miller” You spoke, his name like a muscle memory in your mouth. “What the fuck are you doing here.”
You took three long seconds before you smiled, then you practically jumped out of your trailer and into his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist, laughing uncontrollably in surprise and excitement. He squeezed you tight, one hand around your hips, the other on the back of your head, compressing you into his muscular frame. He let out a low growl of contentment while he nuzzled his head into your hair.
“Good to see you Molly” He mumbled.
You squeezed him with as much strength as you could muster before he let you slide down, your feet hitting the sand below. You brought a hand up to shade your eyes, the sun beaming directly in your eyes from behind his shoulder. You knew his face like the back of your hand, you had grown up with it chasing after you with spiders and nerf guns, then spent 10 years in active service being chased by cockroaches and real guns. You hadn’t seen him since you moved to Mexico.
“What are you doing here, man!” You laughed, you couldn’t stop smiling. He hadn’t changed at all, aside from a few new laugh lines around his mouth. His smile was reserved as usual, but unabashed.
“Oh, you know….I was in the area” He winked and looked around, snickering. Your end of the beach was cut off to tourists and hardly even accessible to locals. You weren’t even sure how they got a trailer there in the first place. It was as visibly remote as you could get in the Yucatan these days.
“How did you…find me here?” You watched him watching you closely, like he was looking for something.
“A local kid working at the market. I asked for directions to the little local Turkey with yellow hair and he practically drove me here himself.” He grinned with mischief and dodged my hand as I smacked him. “He seemed to know who I was, too.” He looked at you expectantly, which made you giggle to yourself.
Your friends son, Erik, was one of the few kids who spoke clean English and visited often. You had helped him with his math tests last year and he had agreed to cut you firewood for a year. He had seen the picture of you and your crew in your trailer and demanded stories around the fire every time he came by. He asked about Will the most.
“I can’t believe you’re here right now.” You said, stricken with shock again and unable to gather yourself. “Whats it been…2, 3 years?”
“2 years and 5 months” Will said quietly, smiling at you. “You look younger somehow”
“Yeah, well, that’s the tequila and the saltwater for ya. Stick me back in Iraq and strap a rifle on my chest, ill age 10 years in front of your very eyes”
Will nodded with a knowing smile and looked around, checking out your decaying trailer and old truck, his eyes settling on the boat overturned on the beach, which you were in the midst of patching and doing engine maintenance on.
You shared a quiet moment together, taking each other in, before he smiled again and open his arms for another hug. “Come’ere kid”
He squeezed you again and this time found your butt, pinching it.
“Fucki-OUCH” You wailed, pulling away and smacking his chest. He laughed like a little boy and bounced away a step, stretching his arms and sighing, relaxed.
“So,” You said after a few moments of silence, before stepping back and pacing in a half circle once. “You want a drink?”
He smiled at you and you felt your head spin. It was the same familiar smile he used to give you when you were kids and you couldn’t reach something or you needed his help lifting something. Not patronizing, just…pleasantly amused.
“Yeah, a drink would be nice.”
“Grab a chair, i’ll be right back” You motioned to the seats surrounding the fire pit that was on the edge of the sand. He turned and walked towards them and you felt your chest tighten. You could never calm down when he was around, staring at you, his physical presence was overwhelming. Even still, after all this time. After everything that had happened in the war, your breath caught when he smiled.
When you came back out with two glasses of bourbon, neat, he had his feet perched toe to heel and was leaning back, enjoying the view of the ocean.
“Pretty okay view to wake up to” You said, handing him his drink. You saluted each others glasses and he smiled, looking back out at the water.
“Unreal. I wouldn’t leave.”
“I don’t” You winked.
“So how did you end up here anyways” He took a drink and savoured it, balancing the glass on the armrest.
You took a long, deep breath and leaned back in your chair before exhaling quickly and looking around.
“I came down after Pete and I.…after I left. He took the house, I took…my shit, and I split.” You laughed bitterly, rubbing your eyebrow. “I don’t know. I went rogue for a bit and woke up here one morning after a bender, just never left.”
Will was quiet for a few moments, considering what you said, before speaking.
“Did things end badly - with Pete?” He was watching you intently.
You held his gaze boldly, amidst your discomfort regarding the topic, your face a blank canvas.
“No” You lied, forcing a smile.
His eyes narrowed slightly but he looked back at the water and took another drink.
“What’re you doing to make money?”
“Lots. Pole dancing, escorting. Selling drugs.”
You were mostly kidding about the last part, but you had sold a couple bags of weed to some of the local teenagers after you found out they were buying it from the cartel - trying to keep their names out of the streets as long as you could before they inevitably got recruited.
He was looking at you again, his face dark now, a shadow of the light hearted kid you had gone to prom with.
“Seriously, Mol. What are you doing down here.”
“Getting interrogated apparently. Calm down, Ironhead. Nothing illegal.” But when he didn’t budge you continued “Im a Dive Master, I take tourists out to some of the reefs every couple of days to pay the rent, and I help out at some of the farms on the off season.”
Half satisfied by your half answers he swirled his drink and took a sip.
“Enough about me, care to explain what you’re doing down here? Turning up at sundown like an old friend?” You watched him closely, observing his posture, noticing the hilt of his sidearm poking out the side of his t-shirt.
“Working” He said bluntly, returning your snarky smile with an equally shaded answer. “Recruiting.”
Your breath caught in your throat and you sat deeper in your chair, unbelieving how crassly he was owning up.
“Unbelievable. Just right down to business eh? You turn up here after 2 years, sorry, 2 years and 5 months and you don’t have the courtesy to wait 10 minutes before you pull this shit? No.” You said firmly. “No. Im retired."
He nodded, then leaned forward and downed the rest of his drink, placing the glass at his feet and resting his elbows on his knees. He watched you with such an intensity that you shifted in your seat and looked away.
“Mol, look at me.”
You sneered and looked at him, your hat shading your eyes from the setting sun, but barely.
“Its a 2 day job at most. 1 day and a single shot if we’re clean-”
“No” You cut him off, leaning forward to stand up.
“Its 5 million USD” He said quickly, stopping you from walking away. “Each.”
You took a deep breath and waited, considering sitting back down. You stayed standing. You tilted your head to the side and lifted your hand to your mouth.
“Who” You said quietly, not wanting to give him the impression you were seriously considering it.
“Juarez.”
You choked you had laughed so hard and so quick. You sat down abruptly on the edge of your chair, looking at him like he had two heads.
“No way. Not a chance. Are you kidding?”
He said nothing, just watched you and raised his eyebrows, the words ‘5 million’ written across his forehead like a banner. When it was clear he wasn’t joking you leaned forward, matching his posture, ducking your head down until you had his eyes squared with yours.
“Listen to me. There’s dangerous, there’s what we did in the army, and then there’s that.” You waited for a reaction that never came. You pressed on. “Will, I have been down here for 3 years. Living, working, fucking with these people. Juarez isn’t just a cartel boss who cuts fingers off and mails them to the victims kids on their birthdays. He systematically brings down monarchies. He beheads children. That man is a fucking monster.”
Will sat firm, his jaw set, not breaking eye contact. He was challenging you, as he had a million times before, only this time neither of you were in uniform and both of you had level playing ground. He wasn’t your superior officer, and you weren’t his sniper.
“We’ve dealt with worse.” He said finally.
You broke eye contact and looked at your bare feet planted in the sand, your tanned skin smooth and warm. No scars, no combat boots, no dust. Freedom. What you had worked for your whole life.
“Its 5 million, Mol. One target, one shot. Nothing more. Freedom for the rest of your life.”
“I already have that. Look around” You put your arms out, the whole of the beach and your paradise encapsulated in them, rage tickling under your skin. “5 million aint worth giving this up, 5 billion wouldn’t even be.”
He looked around and back at your trailer, at the rusting metal and the fraying tarps, before setting his gaze on your arm, on the scar that ran up it, and finally back to your eyes.
“Hows the Physio down here.” He said darkly. “Your off season farm job’s health insurance covering it?”
You flinched like he had hit you, your eye flickering as the memory of the bullet cutting through your arm and shattering the bone blazed like fire in your peripheries.
“Fuck you, Will.” You said finally, your voice cracking when you said his name. You stood up and pushed past him, walking towards your trailer. Subconsciously you held your arm and rubbed it, the phantom pain lingering. The deep and permanent damage had bothered you every day since you obtained the injury 6 years ago, on one of the last missions you had done with Will and the crew before they retired.
“Molly” Will grabbed your arm from behind, pulling you to a stop, and you winced. Not from pain, more from recognition. “Im sorry” He said intently, his eyes searching yours.
“I can’t” You said finally, your posture strong and your eyes set. You were still muscular and built like you were in active duty, but so was Will. “Even if I wanted to - I can’t.”
Will took a step closer, his breath almost on your face now.
“Why not” He pushed.
“Because” You spit back at him “I can’t use a scope. Or Binoculars. My heads fucked up.”
Wills eyebrows knit together and he looked over your head with his gaze, face taught with confusion.
“What’you mean?”
You shrugged and licked your bottom lip, looking away from his prying eyes.
“I had an accident a few years ago. I got a concussion that fucked with my equilibrium, haven’t been able to use binoculars or a scope properly since.”
You took a breath and straightened your back, setting your jaw. If he was going to play hard ass, then so were you. Fuck his intimidation tactics, you had learned how to deal with those in elementary school. He would have to try harder.
“Service?”
You shook your head, your lips pursed.
“After I left”
“What happened?”
Your eye flickered again, the memory of Pete attacking you and knocking you down a flight of stairs, your head cracking off the banister, still as fresh as if it happened yesterday.
“I fell.”
Will, visibly agitated now, shifted his weight to his other foot. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I don’t know, probably because I didn’t expect you to come down here and try to recruit me to whack the leader of my neighbourhoods biggest cartel?”
“Mol, im your friend, you shou-“ He started, but you backed up, shaking your head.
“Oh yeah? And where have you been? Last time I checked a prerequisite for friendship was checking in once in a fucking blue moon.”
Will bared his teeth in frustration and took a deep breath, looking down at his feet with his hands on his hips.
“Was it Pete?”
You didn’t answer, which was answer enough. Will’s hands covered his face and he groaned audibly, rubbing them into his hair in frustration.
“Molly. I have like 5 minutes left in me before I pull the fuse line to your propane, light a match, and drag your ass out of here on the back of my fucking bike. Come for drinks. Hear us out. Please.”
“Us?”
“They’re all here, waiting at the bar.”
You shook your head, smiling bitterly. Of course they were.
“There are better soldiers out there. Better snipers out there. Go recruit one of them.”
“Not true. You never missed a shot.”
“I missed once” You started, your voice lowering reflexively. “And you know what shot I missed.”
He held your eyes as the memory lingered in the air between you, the sound of the bullet hitting the body of the child behind your target would be something you took to your grave. It haunted every minute of every day.
“Molly, come on. Look at you. You’re living in a dump trailer with a half broke boat and a fucking peddle bike. You’re better than this and you know it.”
“Im not better than shit. Don't feed me that 'we were warriors' crap. I was a girl who was good with a gun, and I killed people. And now i'm broken. Thats the truth."
“MOL, I NEED YOU-” He yelled now, his hand shaking. The outburst took you off guard and you stepped back, your face slack. Will grabbed his hand and rubbed it, turning around and sighing deeply before facing you again. “Molly, I need you to hear us out. Come have a drink in town, listen to Pope’s plan. Please.”
You were still on guard from his outburst but you closed your mouth, your eyes dropping to his hand, which still shook lightly. PTSD was a tricky motherfucker.
You blinked silently a few times before raising your eyes to his again, a silent moment of recognition passing between you. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t seriously asking for help, and the rest of the crew wouldn’t be waiting if there wasn’t already a good plan in place.
“They’re all here? Redfly?”
Will nodded, his jaw tight.
“Fine” You said then, swallowing your pride and knowing you would regret it. “One drink.”
“One drink” Will repeated, his shoulders relaxing slightly.
“But Will,” You interrupted his budding smile and took a step so your faces were close again. “I wasn’t joking. Im not the shot I used to be. If we do the Recon and I tell you I can’t do it, that’s it. Im out. Full stop.”
Will blinked a few times as his eyes drifted down your face to your mouth and back up, his eyebrow twitching.
your rudy one shot was so good holy shit!! can we maybe get a part 2 and see their relationship grow and develop into something more than physical and maybe they eventually go public with it idk but AGH I NEED MORE RUDY FICS
summary: this was an anon request: "could we get a request when your on set with rudy and you guys are also dating have been secretly for the past few months during quarentine now back at work every one thinks your dating one day you have to film a scene that your nervous about it's a swimming scene an accident happens and rudy has to give you cpr on set?"
masterlist
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It’s strange, the calm that comes over you when you realize you’re dying.
Well, calm might not be the best word, but it's something close to that. It’s a kind of physical quietness that is foreign to your body until that point when it recognizes no amount of contraction or expansion of muscles will circulate new oxygen to your brain.
I hadn’t imagined what it would feel like, I had never considered what the tangibles of dying would be, until I saw the surface light streaming through the water, fractured by the waves. Somehow what my brain focused on was how intricate the temperature changes had been as my body sank lower, how interesting it was that while my body simultaneously did 50 different things to try to save itself, my skin was able to register the heat at the surface of the water and the cold temperature creeping in the deeper I drowned.
That will probably be what sticks with me the most - how even in the face of death itself - the most immediate and inescapable truth of life, the ultimate pay off, even then - my brain and my body were compelled to create a stillness, an acceptance, a calm. It felt like the most unnatural reaction to the most natural thing in life - and there was nothing I could do to stop it. There was nothing I could do to change the ending. It was just…ending.
1 Day Earlier
“You’re the most beautiful creature I have ever seen” Rudy whispered, his mouth working hot air around my ear, sending shivers down my naked spine as he pulled out and kissed my temple. I smiled and pulled the sheet up from around my feet, covering both of us as Rudy slid off and laid next to me, panting.
We laid in silence for a few minutes before I worked up the strength to swing my legs over the side of his bed. A groan was all he mustered as I stood up, pulling my jeans on, trying to rearrange my bra and shirt before walking to the mirror to fix my hair.
“Where are you going?”
“Back to my trailer, I need to read lines before tomorrow”
“I could help” He smiled groggily, biting his lip and resting his head on his hand, propping himself up to watch me.
I scoffed and smiled at him, winking. “You don’t help. You distract. See you later”
I kissed him quickly then turned to leave but was pulled back into his bed, curled under his muscular arm, compressed to his rippled core. “Stay” he whispered, nuzzling into my hair.
“I can’t” I laughed “I haven’t even read the scene yet. Im no where near prepared. I'll text you later.”
I stood up again and smiled at him from the trailer door, sliding my phone and wallet into the back pocket of my oversized jeans, flipping my sunglasses down over my eyes.
“You know they’re gonna start paying more attention if you keep leaving during the day, right?”
“Its nobodies business what I do on my down time. Or who.”
We shared a knowing, secret smile as I opened the door, and walking down the steps of his trailer and clicking the door shut behind me I felt like the mistress of a rich man on Wall Street, like Marilyn Monroe leaving after a night with JFK. Although comparing Rudy to either of those was like comparing a golden lab to a pit bull, just didn’t fit.
It gave me some weird sense of feminine power every time I walked through the Lot and back to my trailer after having slept with Rudy, like I had his balls in my hands (I did) and was in total control (I was). I walked with some newfound swag that made my hips feel wider, my boobs feel fuller, my skin feel clearer.
It had been an unanimous decision to keep our relationship on the DL while we were still in production. Neither of us wanted to display our status all over set and have to deal with the crew and the rest of the cast giving us looks and making comments while we tried to work - it helped keep things professional (ish) and allowed us some separation. That being said, I still savoured the little moments when I left his trailer, minutes after having had him inside me, walking past everyone we worked with with a smirk on my face.
After quarantine when we were out of isolation and back to work, people on set had started to talk, murmuring and romanticizing the idea of where we had both spent our quarantine, always poking and probing, trying to find out if we had spent it together. It had developed into a bit of a game with everyone in the crew. We never said yes, but we never said no, and we never revealed that we had spent the entire quarantine period together at a cabin in Alaska. I smiled when I thought about the months we were alone, hiking, kayaking, exploring. We explored each other as much as we explored the land. Every night was something new - a new story or experience shared around the campfire, learning about each other and embracing the solitude. We danced and laughed and cried and screamed and made love and became each others person.
Back on set and with only a few more weeks until wrapping we were in a daze of love and passion and the intensity that had sparked in Alaska hadn’t stopped. We breathed each other in like smoke, choking off the oxygen, our lungs seizing every time we tried to leave. It was like nothing I had ever experienced, all I wanted to do was worship his body and listen to him talk and feed him and tell him things I had never told anyone else and move my body against and with his.
“Hey” David, the Director, shouted from a golf cart as he pulled to a stop across the road from me. “There she is”
He smiled as I approached, pulling me into a tight hug, then pulling away and perching on his seat.
“You ready for tomorrow? Big scene. Abandonment. Panic. Heavy stuff.”
I smiled sheepishly and kicked a rock away with my sandal, blocking the sun with my eyes.
“You haven’t read it yet. Okay, no that’s fine. I just told you like …3 days ago that this was one of the harder scenes we would be filming, and that I needed you in the game, but that’s alright, I’ll just go fuck myself I guess.”
I laughed before putting a finger on his forehead where a vein had started to pop out. David was known for being a tad….dramatic.
“Ill be ready. Im going to pick it up right now.” I flashed him my winning smile, the smile that he said had won me the role (besides my talent and ability to be ready on demand) and he relaxed - marginally. Sitting properly in the cart again, his foot hovering over the gas, he looked back at me again before looking at Rudy’s trailer.
“You know you’re too good for him, right?”
My chest caved a little, and I swallowed.
“What do you mean?”
He rolled his eyes and nodded once. “Just be careful, you know how these things end.”
He drove away without saying anything else and I waited, slightly confused and a little uncomfortable at his comment, before continuing the walk back to my trailer.
When I got inside I took my shirt and pants off and slipped a sun dress on, flopping down on the sofa and opening the script. I looked out the window at the row of trailers lined up with mine and took a deep sigh, putting the script down again.
I couldn’t put a finger on why David’s comment had bothered my so badly. He never said shit like that, he never ever cared what we did in our free time (or who). As long as we showed up and acted like it was life or death if we failed when he yelled Action, he turned a blind eye. On everything. He didn’t care when I got stoned at the cast party, he didn’t acknowledge when I got drunk and tried the stripper pole during the cast trip to Vegas, he hadn’t even mentioned the time he saw me making out with the first aid attendant before I had starting seeing Rudy.
I picked up my phone and texted Rudy to come over and to bring weed. When he knocked on my trailer door and I opened to see him standing in nothing but a pair of baggy shorts and a ball cap, I smiled to myself. He would eternally be the kid from OBX.
“Milady” He smiled, bowing and passing me the unlit joint.
“Oh” I grabbed it quickly and glared at him before ushering him inside. “Discretion please, Pankow.”
“What, David doesn’t care.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.” I slunk back into the trailer and let him enter.
“Huh?”
“He stopped me on my way back a few minutes ago. He knows about us. He said I’m too good for you.”
Rudy feigned offence and put a hand on his chest. “Prick”
He smiled and sat back on the sofa while I grabbed a lighter from the drawer, lighting the joint and inhaling deeply before passing it to him.
“Since when do we care about David's opinion?” He said after exhaling a cloud of smoke.
“Since when has David given us an opinion to care about?” I countered, eyebrows raised. “He literally said ‘Be careful, you know how these things end’. Like he was warning me or something.”
Rudy shrugged lightly and tipped his head to the side, observing me. His eyes narrowed slightly and he frowned before sitting forward and watching me pace around in front of him. “Why does it bug you?”
“I don’t know. I mean…I just don’t know why he would say anything.”
“Well, I mean, you are too good for me. So what if he said it out loud?”
I stopped, silent, staring at Rudy with a disgusted look on my face.
“What? Come on. You’re…a solid fucking 10 and I’m like… a Denver 6.”
“Rudy”
“It doesn’t matter. My point is that David is just looking out for you, or himself, or both. And to be honest Hollywood romances do usually end poorly, he’s not wrong.”
“Are you seri…we’re in North Carolina”
“You know what I mean”
“So you think this will end badly?” I waved a finger back and forth between us.
Rudy’s face was set with a pained expression, his hands bunching into his hair.
“Not what I meant, or said for that matter. Just come here”
He passed the joint and patted his lap, waiting for me to sit on it.
I did, incredulously, as I took a long drag, trying to relax my shoulders.
“Can we just not worry about what David said for like 2 minutes here, and enjoy the fact that we’re alone in your trailer, conveniently both almost naked? Is this an opportunity to be squandered, or capitalized on?”
I smiled despite myself and inhaled again, holding it in my chest until I felt a tickle. When I exhaled, I blew it into Rudys mouth then kissed him, and felt him harden beneath me.
“Fine. But after this you have to help me run lines.” I smiled, my hips pressed against him and my head feeling light.
He nodded exaggeratedly while he picked me up, and before throwing me onto the bed he whispered I promise this won’t end badly.
———
I woke up the next morning next to Rudy, naked, my head spinning.
“Fuck” I said gruffly when I realized it was morning. “FUCK” I said loudly when I realized what time it was.
“What” Rudy said when he blinked awake. “SHIT” He said when he realized what had happened.
“What the fuck happened” I said in a daze, scrambling out of bed and running towards my phone. It was 5am, I had to be on set for 7am, filming starting at 8am. I hadn’t even opened the script. “What was in that pot Rudy? A fucking sedative?”
Rudy sat up and rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes before scrambling off the bed and checking his phone. “Ooooooh fuck” He scrolled through the missed calls and texts, he had to be on set an hour before me.
“I gotta go. I gotta go I’m sorry” He hopped on one foot while he pulled his shorts on, kissing my forehead before flying out the door to his own trailer.
Shit I whispered. I had a reputation for being a life liver, and I loved to party, but I was never late for work. And I never showed up unprepared. How had I let this happen?
In a crazed rush I grabbed the script and skimmed it, getting a grasp on what part of the scene we were in and what the stage direction was, using as much brain power as I could muster to sink the lines (blessedly there were only a few) into my memory before I stood up and grabbed an energy drink from my fridge. I was still naked, perched on the chair in front of my full body mirror, slamming the drink and tearing through the pages as quickly as I could.
When I felt like I had a grasp on it I stuffed the script into my bag and threw my sundress from yesterday on, running for the cart that would drive me to hair and makeup.
I arrived with a few minutes to spare but probably looked like I had been working the streets. My hair was matted on one side and I had forgotten a bra, my eyeliner was smudge under one eye. My head hand’t stopped spinning and I was starting to feel nauseous, so when the hair lady arrived with her tool belt and an array of products on her cart, I asked in the most pathetic voice I could muster if she wouldn’t mind grabbing me a few Advils.
She came back with a bottle of water and some pills in an Advil bottle, winking at me and smiling as she started on my mop of hair, muttering something about ‘don’t worry honey, I’ve been there before’.
I downed the pills and the water, flicking through the script while she made me look presentable again, and smiled at David when he walked in, rubbing his palms together like a child concocting a destructive plan.
“You ready for today?” He smiled, perching against the makeup counter.
“Of course” I lied, smiling at him with fake confidence.
“Good girl” He said with excitement. Turning on his heel to leave he made it to the door before turning back and saying over his shoulder. “Now don’t forget, when you get close the boat, it starts to drive away. So look upset. And it’s going to be windy - so try not to drown alright?”
Water? Boat?? None of this was in what I had read. I nodded and watched him leave before hurriedly flicking through the pages. The last pages, I realized, were stuck together. I peeled them apart and read the direction, my stomach dropping. I would be in the open water trying to swim after a boat, which I wouldn’t catch, and I would be left in the open water alone, being thrashed by waves, trying not to drown.
I was already there mentally so it wouldn’t be hard to get into character, but the idea of being in cold water tossed by waves made me want to puke.
I turned to the makeup artist, a young girl who I hadn’t worked with before, and smiled politely, blinking my freshly painted eyelashes at her. Before I even had to ask she pulled an unmarked pack of tablets out of her purse and said “they’re strong, but they’ll help with the seasickness. Only take one.”
When she turned around to grab a brush I popped two into my hand and passed the packet back, thanking her expressly before settling back into the chair. This was going to be a hell of a day. But I had to do what I had to do.
When we arrived on the beach, I spotted Rudy already at the dock, having just finished one of his own scenes. He waved at me as I trudged through the sand.
“Yea, I know. My head hurts too. Must have been a bad batch” He said under his breath seeing my face.
“How did your scenes go?” I said quietly, my words slightly slurred, trying to look relaxed and unbothered by the wind or the smell of the boat gas which was making me green.
“Alright, not the best…” He looked out at the open water. “Its a bit rough out so it was hard to get a good shot.”
I nodded, looking at the water and knowing in my gut that this would be a horrible day. The water was as choppy as it had been the day I did my scuba diving certification, and I had thrown up in the water so many times I had to board the boat just to clean my gear off before diving again. My stomach turned at the memory.
“You okay?” Rudy looked over my face before reaching his hand out. “You look a bit…wobbly.”
“Im fine” I smiled as the crew began to motion towards the boat. My lips felt loose, I pinched them closed.
“Okay, you two. Let’s go” David started, ushering us down the dock towards the boat.
The wind was the least of our worries, it was flat lighting and a storm was coming in - cutting our time on the water by half according to the safety coordinator. David had confirmed we would be able to still try for at least two of the shots, one of me swimming after the boat, and one of the boat driving away. Small mercy’s but I would take whatever I could get. My bottom lip drooped so much I was having trouble not drooling on myself and my fingers felt numb.
The boat slowed to a stop and swayed back and forth with the waves, I closed my eyes as and sunk deep into my seat. My head was starting to feel foggy and I felt like everything was moving at a glacial pace. Weird. When I opened them again, David was watching me from the other end of the boat, his forehead pinched. I smiled and winked at him, selling the best lie I could that I was fine, and stood up to peel off my jacket and sweat pants. My bathing suit was small and barely covered anything, instantly giving me goosebumps and making me shiver. I lifted a tingly hand to my mouth, wiping sweat off my top lip.
“Alright, we’re going to do this safely but quickly - in and out. We just need a few seconds of her in the water” David spoke mostly to the crew but emphasized the next part directly to me. “You’re panicked. Your boat is leaving without you. You think you’re about to drown. Got it?”
He was saying, get it right the first time and we can all go back to shore and stop freezing our asses off. I got it. Nodding once, I glanced at Rudy before going to the edge of the boat to descend into the roped off area of water. He was watching me with a concerned expression, which made me feel even more weird. I couldn’t tell if I was still sobering up from the pot or if the Advil was working a little too well.
The tablets. The realization smacked me in the face like a brick. I hadn’t asked what they were, I had assumed they were anti nausea pills, but I hadn’t actually asked. And I took two of them.
“You good?” He mouthed soundlessly to me, waiting for my response. I was about to nod when a wave of dizziness hit me, and I was unable to respond before the crew started helping lower me into the water.
“Hey-“ Rudy started but was cut off by the sound of the boat engine starting, and the crew members shouting. The water was colder than I expected and my body was stiff, my muscles not adjusting to the temperature change fast enough. I kicked my legs around me to stay above water, and the crew member in the wet suit next to me supported my weight until the boat and the camera crew were in their places.
“Alright, I’m just here past the rope once the camera starts rolling” The man in the wet suit almost had to yell for me to hear him over the sound of the boat engine and the wind and the waves. “Got it?”
I nodded and bit my lip to keep from shivering, pushing off of him and swimming towards my mark in the water that David was pointing to with his flashlight. It felt like I was swimming through tar.
“Action!” David shouted through the loud speaker. The waves crashed against me as I tried to bite through the fog in my head and the weight in my limbs. I looked towards the cameras and swam frantically, donning an expression of duress and panic. Acting wasn’t hard right now. I didn’t feel right at all. My legs kicked hard, but I rotated my arms to keep me in place for a few seconds, as David had instructed, before propelling forward in the fake pursuit of the boat. A wave crashed into the side of my head and I closed my eyes, opening my mouth to gasp for air. Suddenly I couldn’t feel my feet and my legs were moving slower and slower.
“Wait” I tried to say, but it came out as a choke when water entered my mouth. “Hel-“ I tried to call for help but another wave hit me and I bobbed under water.
Panicking now, I realized that my limbs were too heavy, my reaction times were too slow, and my eyes weren’t staying open like they should be. Shit. I could feel my nerves exploding as my brain worked faster than my body, realizing I was having trouble swimming. I was drowning.
I looked with duress towards the boat, the cameras, and tried to swim to them, but could feel myself sinking.
I had seconds left before the next wave would inevitably crash into me and pull me under. I tried to lock eyes with anyone - the support man, the crew, David, Rudy, but they were too far away and the water was too rough. The last thing I saw before I submerged was the pleased expression on David’s face. He still thinks I’m acting.
The water was warm at the top, warm now anyways. I felt the temperature getting colder and colder the lower I sank, my limbs moving like they were full of lead, everything happening in slow motion. It got colder the farther from the light at the surface I got. I choked on water, opening my mouth to try and push the water out but sucking more in, my arm floating up to claw for help. My body was betraying me. It didn’t know what to do. My lungs heaved and seized as they begged for oxygen and my eyes stayed wide open, watching the light at the surface get further and further away. The last thing I saw before my vision went dark was the shadow of something breaking the surface, and the feeling of water rushing past me as a hand grabbed my arm.
———
I woke up to the sound of shouting and the smell of Rudy. Hands compressed my lungs so hard it felt like my chest would crack and I couldn’t see anything but I could taste bile and sea water.
More pumps on my chest, more shouting, and then the sound of Rudy’s voice begging me to breath. He was giving me CPR.
I was on my back on something hard but still being rocked by waves. I must be on the boat. I opened my eyes and blinked but they burned and blurred and were useless so I closed them again. My chest heaved and I felt my stomach contract, something coming up, so I was tipped on my side as I wretched and gasped and breathed for the first time in…who knows. Seconds? Minutes? My entire body hurt and my muscles felt like they would never work again they were so sore, but I was breathing and that made everything else infinitesimal.
Rudy called my name over and over, hands brushed hair away and checked my pulse and wrapped me in blankets. When I opened my eyes again and blinked this time I could see a silhouette, so I reached for it and pulled it towards me, and it was Rudy, I knew by the smell and the feeling.
He pulled me up into his lap and cradled me, breathing deeply but rapidly, his arms shaking as he smoothed the back of my head. David said something from behind him but he ignored him, not letting me go.
When I finally found my voice again, the only words I could muster were “that almost ended badly.”
We both laughed without humour and in shock, not knowing what else to do, basking in our own secret joke.
Loved the 1st chapter of Cruel Summer - your writing style is so beautiful, idk how did I miss your previous fics, but now I'm gonna binge your masterlist for sure 💕💕💕
could we get a request when your on set with rudy and you guys are also dating have been secretly for the past few months during quarentine now back at work every one thinks your dating one day you have to film a scene that your nervous about it's a swimming scene an accident happens and rudy has to give you cpr on set?
[A/N: Hi again. I've missed you. It was time for something new. I found this story in a dream. Prepare for a mental trip, it's indicative of the year i've had. This is gonna go in a million different directions and I can't say i'm surprised. Ive written two chapters and i'm already like ...well, fuck it i'm posting it...I needed to get back into writing and this is what I got so enjoy. I have a playlist I used while writing, comment if you want it shared. As always, not that any of us need the reminder....but there will be adult content (whatever that means) and language and NSFW content so...keep me off your screen at the dinner table. Love y'all ...Mossy x]
You ease your car into park, your hand resting on the gear shift, the tires slowly rocking back and forth on the soft ground as the engine dies. Sunlight streams through your windshield as a cloud of dust and sand settles around the car, and you feel a trapped breath release from deep in your chest. The quiet, melodic hum of music relaxes your shoulders and through the trees you can see the water rhythmically hitting the shore.
You haven’t been here in a few weeks and you're starting to feel it; the tight and uncomfortable tensing in your muscles, the locked jaw, the flat expressions. The closer it gets to the anniversary the more you feel the need to visit. But the frequency of your visits is dictated by Her, and She keeps tabs on your whereabouts a lot these days. ‘Its not healthy to spend so much time there’ She would say to you, while pulling a Valium out of her bag to slide towards you. She has your therapist on speed dial on the landline. And she blames you for living in the past. Ironic.
You pull your keys out of the ignition, unbuckle your seatbelt, and let your muscle memory guide you out of the car and through the trees to the edge of the embankment where the sand and the sea grass take over. Flashes of Lacey running down the beach in front of you, looking back over her shoulder and laughing, are burned into your eyelids when you blink. She was everywhere here, every corner of this beach belonged to her. Her towel spread out on the sand at your feet, books with water damaged pages scattered across it, her bag tossed lazily to the side. Her board perched against the log you used to dry out your wetsuits. Her camera.
You close your eyes and listen to the wind move through the grass, her laugh echoing off the rocks. Come on! She would laugh with an outstretched arm. Come take a picture with me.
Her lips were supple and her nose was sun kissed, her hair bleached and tousled from the saltwater. She would motion for you to come over and you would go, because you always did, to fit into the frame next to her, cramming yourself in wherever you could after she found her best angle. She would hold up the camera and wrap her arm around you tightly, the smell of her tanning oil and sweat floating around you in a heady cloud, and at the last moment she would press her lips to your cheek and whisper cheese.
You blink and look at the water again, a seagull squawking as it flies over the empty beach. Reaching into your jeans pocket and feeling for the photo, you pull it out and look down, the moment she clicked the button frozen in time on the paper in your hand. Her side profile was radiant, the wind blowing her hair around her lips which were pressed to your face, you looked straight at the camera with a shy smile, a hidden smile, a quiet smile. An honest smile.
You run your thumb across the picture reflexively before sighing and putting the picture back in your pocket, it was one of the last photos you had together and it was one of the only ones you could clearly make out your own face. That always bothered you. Now you’ll never forget how happy we were today. I love you. She shook the polaroid until it was developed, then pressed it into your chest and winked, waiting for you to grab ahold of it, before turning on her heal and running towards the water.
Your chest burns for a moment before you straighten up and set your jaw. You feel good today, closer to her than usual. Today might be the day. You follow the path through the dunes towards the water and concentrate on the tide, watching the foam and the water snake along the shoreline. It’s windy, but not as windy as it usually is this time of day. The sky, clear and clean of any clouds, is the colour of blue that reminds you what happiness is. Or was, you know, before all the shit happened. When life was something you had the ability to process, sometimes even enjoy.
Now or never. Your head whips up at the sound of her voice and you see her, standing in the water. You feel the blood rush to your face, your core warming. There she is, running a hand up her stomach towards her chest and smiling at you, the kind of smile that would get good people into bad situations.
Slowly you slide your sneakers off and kick them aside, wiggling the sand between your toes. You’re not wearing a bikini but the beach is empty, so you close your eyes and listen to Lacey laughing from the water, come on scaredy cat, nobodies looking, as you peel your top off and drop it into the sand beside your shoes. You unbutton your shorts next and let them slide down your legs, stepping out of them hesitantly.
Lacey walks out of the water, so you keep your eyes closed, knowing if you open them she will be gone, and you wait for her to bite her lip and smile at you. There. Look at your body. You’re beautiful. Come on. She guides you towards the water with nothing but her own bare skin and confidence, nothing could ever touch her. You know its only a few steps until your feet are in the water, you should open your eyes and look around to make sure nobody is watching, but you don’t get to see her often anymore between the Valium and the other stuff, so you forgo it for a few more seconds. Today is the day, you have to do it. Time is running out. She’s all but told you as much.
“I miss you” You say, but your voice sounds foreign and it breaks and scatters into the wind.
Im right here. Lacey smiles at you like she always did, her crooked dimpled grin, her perfectly straight white teeth, her eyes shining. Now shut up and get in the water.
You feel the warm dry sand turn to wet firm sand beneath your feet, you know you’re close. It’s ours, all of it. The water. Just let go and let the Ocean carry you. You’re weightless. Isn’t it perfect?
Your breathing is shallow and your palms are clammy. There’s a tingling sensation in your thighs and you feel dizzy. You have to open your eyes. No, don’t. Not yet. Stay with me.
The water touches your toes and your eyes shoot open, you recoil and lose your footing, falling backwards. You crab crawl away from the water until the tide retreats and you feel your vision tunnelling as Lacey fades into the sunbeam above the water.
You scramble back to your clothes and pull your shorts above your sand stained underwear, your shirt smoothing your hair down as it settles back over your shoulders. You take a few deep breaths until your heart rate slows down. A tear springs up and sits in your eye for a few moments before falling and drying on your cheek. The beach is the best place to cry. The ocean is loud so nobody hears you, and the sun is hot so the tears dry fast.
You don’t want to turn around and look back at the water, you know she won’t be there. You’re alone, properly alone, just like she said you would be, psychic bitch. If she hadn’t been so charismatic and beautiful and conveniently wealthy, people would have outcasted her for being a freak a long time ago. What with all the tealeaves and palm readings and ‘gut feelings’. But they never did, her family had more money than the Kennedys and she looked like she walked runways for fun on the weekends, so she was untouchable. Your stomach starts to turn as you think about it so you blink the ground in front of you back into focus and start walking.
You have a few minutes of freedom left before She starts calling and asking where you are, so you walk slow to savour it. Who knows when you would be allowed out long enough again to go back.
You emerge from the tree cover into the parking area, pondering how many different routes you can take to get home to elongate the drive, when you hear a car door close. You look up, pulled from your thoughts, and squint to see through the bright sun.
“‘Scuse me!” A voice says, deep and friendly. A silhouette is moving towards you, so you bring your hand up to block the sun from your eyes. “Hey, sorry, do you live around here?”
You blink a few times as the silhouette gets closer and make out the figure of a tall man with wispy hair and baggy shorts.
“Sorry?” You reply, still trying to get a clear image.
“Im just trying to find the Marina but I have taken at least 5 of these side roads and all I keep finding is empty damn parking lots.” The man stops a few feet from you, close enough that you can make out a tan face with a toothy grin, and blonde hair. “First one with a pretty girl though, so I must be going the right way.” He smiles at you confidently, shielding his own eyes from the sun, but still squinting.
You look back over your shoulder to the beach, confirming Lacey is gone. You turn and look at the man who is watching you intently, hopefully, and smile quietly.
“Yeah, it’s uh…its just back on the main road, go 3 clicks south and take a right at the fork. You’ll see a fancy sign for a beach club, it’s just past that.” You look past him to the old Ford truck with rusted wheel wells and smile to yourself. “Assuming you’re not going to the beach club.”
The man laughs and smiles, looking over your shoulder at the beach before his eyes settle back on you. “Nope. Never been to one of those…legally.” He winks and backs up a few steps, then nods and says “Thanks” before turning and walking back towards his truck. He slows as he reaches it and stops, then turns back and pivots before jogging back to you.
You wait and watch, curious. He stops a few steps away and stretches out his hand.
