“Have I been manipulated into believing abuse was my fault?” game! Bold all the items that happened to you, if you’re not sure, italicize! Alternatively, just write down the score for every category. TW for explicit abuse mention.
Brainwashing; forced to take responsibility for abuser’s actions:
I was forced to apologize after being beaten/abused
I was beaten/abused while apologizing and in obvious pain
I was beaten/abused while crying
I was forced to thank them for beating/abusing me
I was forced to promise them I would change my behaviour in the future
I wasn’t allowed to cry or express pain after being beaten/abused
I was told the parent was the one with the right to cry/be upset after beating/abusing me
I was forced to comfort them after they beat/abused me
I was forced to take on pain/humiliation/guilt until I would agree that it was all my fault
I was forced to agree that I was forcing them to beat/abuse me, with my misbehaviour
I was forced to agree that I deserved the abuse
I was forced to make up to them after they would abuse me
I was forced to clean up the mess they made during abuse
I was forced into breaking down to tears if I tried to fight for myself
I was forced to hurt myself to prove my remorse for behaviour
I was forced to repeat that it was my fault
I was told the abuser didn’t enjoy doing it and was in fact forced to do it for my own good
I was called a monster/demon/sadistic/evil and accused of enjoying abuser’s pain
I was told abuse was done for my own good and that one day I will understand and be grateful for it
I was expected to have positive reactions to abuse and any negative reaction was blamed on me
I was punished for showing trauma symptoms and for showing in any way that I was abused, only acceptable way of behaviour was obedience and unconditional gratitude
I was told others were treated exactly like this, even if they weren’t showing it, and that the abuse was completely normal
I was told my reactions weren’t normal and made to focus on how I was reacting to the abuse, rather than damage and injustice done to me
I was told my reactions to abuse were the reason of the abuse, and that I was in the wrong for fighting/pushing back/provoking/not listening/not being obedient enough/angering the abuser
I was told the abuse was because “I wouldn’t have it the nice way”
I was forced to endure harsh punishments for even a small mistake or no mistake at all
I was told all I got was what I deserved, even if I couldn’t connect to how I deserved it, except that the abusers felt I did
Note: Doing any of these to a child after having them go through beating or intense episode of shock, pain and fear will leave them in a broken and vulnerable state of mind, and anything said to them or forced onto them while in that state will imprint deeply into their subconscious, and they will accept the message without being able to fight it. This is a method of brainwashing. Abuser will do this to crush child’s spirit and to destroy the child’s ability to hold abuser accountable or responsible for any abuse that occurs in the future, to transfer all the guilt and responsibility for their own actions onto the child, and depict themselves as too powerful for child to ever be able to stand against.
Dehumanization: implication you are below a human being and thus do not deserve humane treatment
I was called animal names/slurs/insults and degrading terms continually
I was told I should be beaten up and abused more often than I was
I was compared to beasts and monsters when the abusers were angry
Beating/abusing me was talked about as if it was a good thing they were proud of
I was publically beaten and/or humiliated
I was threatened with public humiliation
I had my physical injuries minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my psychological and emotional damage minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my illness minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my needs and desires minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my achievements and accomplishments minimized and dismissed as unimportant
I had my opinions and thoughts disregarded and ridiculed as stupid, unwanted and unimportant
I was blamed for struggling with mental or physical illness
I was called crazy, delusional and insane if I pointed out the unfair tratment
I was looked at with disgust and contempt most of the time
I was accused of wanting to be abused and asking for it
I was accused of “causing a scene” when the abuser would lash out at me
I was forced to “learn my place” if I assumed the same rights everyone else had
I was excluded from positive activities the rest of the family participated in
I was denied the rights, benefits, resources and attention the rest of the family got
Forced gratitude/implication of debt: idea that you “owe” your parents to endure their abuse
parent kept reminding me of what they’ve done for me, even the most basic parental tasks
parent often stated or implied I was ungrateful/not grateful enough for them
parent insisted they were sacrificing themselves for me, implying they expect the same in return
parent kept pointing out others lower living standards to remind me I was “lucky” in comparison
parent demanded I would have to “earn” basic respect and boundaries
parent would not allow me to complain, object or resist their treatment and if I tried, they would remind me I deserved even worse
parent insisted any abuse is perfectly acceptable and rational and that I am wrong and “taking advantage of them/denying their rights” if I resist or fight it
parent stated or implied that I’m supposed to return their effort to them with favours, obedience, endurance and compliance, or I was not worth raising and being kept alive at all
parent insisted that they have the right to do anything to me since they’re the only reason I’m alive at all (I was treated like their property)
parent made it clear it was forbidden to speak of past abuse or past events that show them in bad light, but they would keep bringing up events which paint them as good parent and keep them central to how they should be perceived by me
parent accused me of making things up/lying/being crazy or mentally ill/trying to manipulate or hurt them when I tried to talk about an event of abuse and point out they hurt me
parent kept me hyperaware of how much I owe them and how much I would risk losing if I dared to accuse them/confront them on being abusive
parent would remind me it could be much worse, and would use other people’s suffering to shut me up and make me feel guilty for even thinking I could talk about my own issues
parent kept me aware that accusing them of any abuse is hurtful and abusive towards them, and that I am cruel and ungrateful if I dare to make any statement like that
parent told me I was wrong/weird/stupid for getting traumatized by abuse because “others wouldn’t get traumatized by that much”
parent made me aware of all the issues they were dealing with, and treated my needs for attention and positive environment like an extra issue they do not want to deal with
parent kept me aware of how sick/mentally ill/troubled/desperate/tired they were and kept me feeling guilty over not doing enough for them, not being enough of a support and help, and having my own needs and wants was out of the question
parent made me aware they’re ready to abandon me if I prove to be “too much work” or “too inconvenient” or even just “not obedient enough”
parent made sure I know all their other issues and life problems were more important than me, and that it was not my place to complain, ask for anything, or object to how I’m treated
parent accused of “living in the past” and “failing to be a bigger person” if I didn’t show perfect adoration and acceptance for them
parents assured me i would turn into a spoiled, arrogant brat had they not abused me
Societal brainwashing; forcing the idea that no parents are abusive, and that all parental abuse has to be forgiven at any cost
parent/society taught me I was a bad/selfish/ungrateful person unless I forgive and forget all and any abuse
parent/society taught me I was an awful, ungrateful and selfish child if I didn’t demonstrate perfect love and gratitude for my parents
parent/society taught me it was my duty to understand and accept my parents, and that no matter what, they were doing their best and wished only the best things for me
parent/society taught me that I was responsible for teaching my parents how to be better people
parent/society taught me I should never judge or accuse my parents because “I couldn’t possibly understand how hard time they’re having”
parent/society taught me any animosity, hatred, anger or any negative thing I had to say about my parents proved me to be bad, ungrateful and unappreciative person
parent/society taught me that all parents only want the best for their children and there are no parents who hate or hurt their children on purpose
parent/society taught me that there was nothing that can be done about me getting hurt by my parents, and that it was up to my parents to decide what I deserve
my parents/society taught me that being bothered by abuse was my own fault and if I wasn’t weak and pathetic, it wouldn’t have affected me at all
my parents had other people affirm they were good people and thus I was wrong to accuse or judge them for anything they did to me
my parents had other people agree that I was not normal and there was something wrong with my judgment and perceptions, so my point of view shouldn’t be trusted or even taken into consideration
my parents had other people agree that I was a selfish, unappreciative, and hard to raise child
i had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/acquintaces/therapists side with my abusers and against me
I had family members/cousins/friends/teachers/therapists defend my abuser and take their side, assuring me I have to, once again, forget my point of view and consider abuser’s side
I had other people/society defend the abuser and assure me I’m wrong to accuse them
my parents insisted the abuse/parts of abuse/events i remembered didn’t even happen, and that there was something wrong with me for making up such a thing (gaslighting;guilt tripping, maybe i should write another category for this one)
my parents were a part of religion/cult that excused all and any of their actions because they were doing it for the sake of the third party that had to be worshiped/obeyed (maybe i should write a cult category as well there is much more to this one)
If you bolded even one of the items on the first two categories, or multiple ones in third and fourth, you have undergone psychological abuse that would force you to believe it was your fault, or that you deserved the abuse. This is wrong, as you neither deserved it, nor it was your fault. You were a child, and there was no way for you to commit any crime bad enough to deserve anything like this. These methods are used for brainwashing and breaking a person, and abusers do these on purpose.
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