Two years before, beneath starlit skies, he was on a highway to a promise.
Two years before, beneath a log clad house, I sat waiting to be held.
“Talk to me,” his voice echoed across the room, the kind that seeps into your bones and rings in your ears. My body remembered this melody all too well: A broken promise of composure. “You know how it takes months before I can come back so we get to have this kind of conversation? Talk to me.”
I spoke between tongue knots, between salt-water touch, between long pauses and between the days you were oceans away. Two weeks ago, I slept unannounced; another broken promise. One week still, you worried of my silence, spoke how it meant complacency – a silhouette of misplaced idealism – and how anger took off the blinds, allowed light, allowed sight. An emotion against injustice.
You sighed, a resignation from silence when it became loud enough to fill the room. In the space between us, on your bed, an ocean divide made itself comfortable. Moments then, you stood, and your hands found its way to the switch. Just like that, darkness. I closed my eyes as you descended into the sheets, and it wasn’t long after that our bodies welcomed the sea that drowned us to slumber.
It was noon. I reclined to a foreign chair and across me was an unwonted woman. This unfamiliarity felt like a memory that didn’t exist. The woman and I spoke casually until my lungs suddenly sought for air. Bed. Dim-lit. You. My body remembered the drowning, but not what breathing underwater felt like. I turned to face you and although the room still felt heavy from last night’s exchange, I could still trace your light-feathered face while you slept.
On some days, I try to count the number of times I have apologized – I already lost count. Apologies felt more heavier than the sin itself. I once showed you a mug, inscribed there was “sometimes, silence is the best answer.” Now, I’m not so sure. Truth seemed elusive with dialogue and time, and in this room, I could only wait for you to wake.