NataliiJDance

Hi ~ My name is Natalii... (^o^)/ . From Medellín, Colombia and really love japanese culture, and love to dance and to sing ♥ こんにちは！にゃん！ はじめまして！ 私はナタリです *へ* コロンビア人です 誕生日 １１月２７日 踊ること と歌ってが大好きだよ どぞよろしくお願いします。。。 サンキュ！ ♥Youtube...

[haschgeschmack]

I was 3 months clean. Now I‘m again here.

[nataliijdance]

One year clean. Again here

[wonderfully-mad]

[themanicmom-deactivated20170507]

I hope I can sleep tonight

[i-am-fat-blog1]

😊⚰️

[tsjstm]

[devils--hoe]

Is this the solution?

[fvckingemotional-deactivated202]

Suicidal flows through my blood

[mefilrlisul]

[fvckingemotional-deactivated202]

☹

[paulabastos]

[nataliijdance]

again.

[fvckingemotional-deactivated202]

Maybe even forever

[nataliijdance]

Maybe even forever

[0nly-an-illusi0n]

[late-nights-and-daydreams]

To my mother: I am sorry. I love you I promise but this was all just too fuckibg much for me to be able to breathe anymore.I wanted more for you. Wanted more for the both of us I swear I did. None of this would ever be your fault. You tried your best. It wasn’t about you. This is in my blood these days. I would of done anything to not hurt you. But sometimes the church bells are tolling for me and I am sorry for that. I wish it was better. Wish I was nore. Wish I wasn’t a 19 year old mistake. I’m sorry I’m just a fuck up. I wanted to be a better person. Wanted to be so much more than this. I really did. My grandparents: I told you I held the gun to my head and you complained about not keeping the guns. Said my self harm and pleas for help were attention. I hope you think I got enough attention now. I hope you know you lead me to this grave and helped dig it. 13 years of abuse doesn’t not leave scars. Maybe you’ll finally see when I say it’s not about you that you’re why I am here. Go fuck yourself. And your religious ‘gods watching you’ to defend your side bullshit. I can’t do it. I can’t do this shit with you anymore. I won’t watch you kill me the way you killed my mother. The way you destroyed us. I won’t do it. Fuck. You. Dean/boyfriend/love: there’s not enough I’m sorry to fill this. I know you hate when i say but there’s not enough words to explain how badly I feel for fucking you over this way. It isnt your fault. Isnt your problem. I could spend forever apologizing to you and trying to reason why it’s better I’m gone. Ask my ex girlfriend and she will tell you why getting close to me is fucking posion. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t of opened myself up and let you get attached. I’m so sorry I brought you into this. You deserve better and if you hate me I understand I’m sorry. I will die with I love you on my lips. Just so you know. I’m sorry this will hurt but you’ve already made this into your survival story. I’m just another bump in the road. My best friend: we don’t talk anymore. So I doubt you’ll even read this. But I am sorry. I hope you’re happy with your new life with your boyfriend and school and not talking to me. I sincerely hope you are happy and that you are at peace. I hope you keep the blog up and go to vet school and your life comes together. All with me as the Guardian angel on your shoulder. I will forever be watching you. The platypus: I’m sorry. And I forgive you. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t push me closer to the edge. But it’s my time to go. My time to let go and just say goodbye to you and to everyone else before things get worse. My life spun like a top and I had to let go. It doesn’t make me any stronger or you any weaker. You are going to have a truly amazing life. To my baby brother: I’m sorry. I am sorry your big sister has her demons. That I am still having problems I cant overcome. I couldn’t save you no matter how hard I tried. And you couldn’t save me. You couldn’t of helped me little brother, I swear. I want you to forgive yourself, even if yourself can’t forgive me. Please don’t think you could of helped me in anyway. I love you my pumpkin. Don’t forget that. It’ll be okay. Just hang in there. I don’t even know if you’re okay but I hope you’re safe and know you are loved. To my dad: I’m sorry. Mom told me about the 3 funerals the year I was born. But that girl was 14 and I lived 5 more years and we’re grateful for that. I don’t know you. But I’m sorry for the way my existing destroyed your life. I am. But I guess that’s the problem solved now. Shell come up and tell you. Another death, another notice. I’m sorry I couldn’t wait till you were out. My aniki: you’ve got this. We’ve grown so much and I look up to you. You pulled through so much suicidal bullshit. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong as you are. Or as a big enough person as you. But I believe in you and your faith and your strength. Hang in there. To Papaya:I’m sorry this is all happening. But I’m glad for the friendship and bond we shared. And know you’re making smart choices and that you have a real future. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re golden papaya. To all my dead relatives I’ve lost in 18 years: I know you’re making a place for me beside you. Because you’re truly amazing. Know that I am excited to see you again and tell you stories about what happened here. I love and miss you guys. To all my friends I didn’t mention: I’m sorry. There’s only so much I can write with shaking hands and teary eyed. With painful cuts and red blood. But lay back and put the wonder years or my chemical romance and know I am in a better place and I made the right decision for myself.

Just in case I lose the war (via late-nights-and-daydreams)

[music-keeps-me-sane]

[painful-realityxxx]

[depressionarmy]

Depression Army

[nataliijdance]

Les voy a contar algo de mi fin de semana porque quiero que entiendan muchas cosas. Me encuentro en finales de la U y saben que eso trae consigo toneladas de estrés y energía pesada; yo no fui la excepción y estuve acumulando mala energía durante la recta final de semestre que se me hace notar porque se me inflama el cólon, me salen granos, se me reseca la piel, etc, etc. Pero en mí hay una más: me dan ataques de ansiedad y eso fue lo que sucedió el sábado, domingo, lunes y martes pasado. Después de varios meses estable con mi #trastornoalimenticio tuve una crisis de muchísimos atracones con comida y depresión: no fui al gym todos esos días y casi no quería pararme de mi cama. Intenté reencaminarme el martes pero de nuevo sucedió.🍫🍭🍞🍦🍬🍰 😓 LO BUENO: TODO tiene solución! 💕 Hoy con mucha fuerza de voluntad de nuevo logré recobrar el equilibrio, 🍅🍌🍳🍜 pero decidí pausar el gym hasta el próximo sábado para no sentirme tan agobiada con tantos compromisos y estar tal vez un poco más tranquila terminando trabajos finales de semestre. 💪 Estoy hinchada por haber comido en exceso, una parte de mí me dice "estás más gorda por esos cuatro días malos y sedentarios"... Tal vez sea medio kilo o algo así, pero sé que se irá a lo largo de esta semana si continúo como iba estos últimos meses, y cuando regrese al #gym lo solucionaré completamente; por ahora no habrá fotos fit ni de gimnasio jaja. De los errores se aprende cada vez más, y aunque no estoy contenta con lo que sucedió, me siento orgullosa de no haber permitido que fuese una crisis tan fuerte y laaaarga como las que sufría antes, y pude superarla sin medicamentos 😋 NO SE RINDAN! #motivation #wednesday #dontgiveup #あきらめないで #mentalhealth