One book into the Liveship Traders trilogy and I realise I could never support an adaptation purely because Kennit would send the internet into a shambles. The man was grown in a lab to do numbers on tumblr.com. First time you meet him you’re told he has blue eyes and mommy issues. He’s a pretty boy, a germaphobe, and the most ruthless man to ever live. He’s going to make himself pirate king whether they want him or not with a bit of luck, a magical charm, and a prophecy he wrote himself. Moral ambiguity? There’s no ambiguity. He does not show a single redeeming quality in an 800+ page book. He hates women, he’s ambivalent to slavery, he thinks empathy makes you an idiot. And yet he’s worshipped like a god wherever he goes, propelled forward into successes he desperately craved but had almost no hand in achieving. There is a slice of the internet that would foam at the mouth over this man and they would have our dashboards in a strange hold. Pirate Patrick Bateman can never take corporeal form. This website would never recover.