生活

just here to do my best

[cozyvu]

[natsukumo]

2025, April 5th

4:58 AM, Tsukubamirai-shi

The void is all I have now. Somehow, that feels reassuring. It means I don’t have to filter my words and I can just shout everything out. Truth is I’ve never felt more alone than I do now. I’ve finally reached my dreams, but why do I still feel lonely?

I’ve been coming home to an empty and cold apartment. I want to talk to someone about my day but they’re either asleep or busy. Is this what growing up feels like? I walk to work everyday and I always have to hold back the tears every time I see miles and miles of rice fields and realize that I am walking this road alone— literally and figuratively.

Maybe it’s just the cold weather that’s making me sentimental right now. I’m not sure. However, I just don’t feel like I am for this world. Wherever I go, I have to take myself. No place or person can fix me. I have to do it myself. But I just feel so, so alien. I don’t know anymore. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

[natsukumo]

"If you keep facing forward like that, someday you will reap what you sow."

[natsukumo]

I read this quote from a manga a few years, but I don’t remember the title anymore. It just resonated a lot with me so I thought of writing it down. At the time of writing, I was working really hard— tutoring foreign students, studying for JLPT, doing my best to show up everyday.

And now? Now I finally reached my goal of moving to Japan. The seeds I’ve planted have finally bloomed! Spring has finally come to me 🌸

[natsukumo]

Where do I even start? Maybe it’s safe to start this off by saying that I had the best Valentine’s Day ever!

I’ve been spending it alone for years now, and it was okay. Or so I thought. I’ve never been one to really bother with this day even before when I had a partner. I thought it was so “cool” of me to be low key. To never ask for flowers or any sort of surprises. But now I realized that all I did was to make myself small just to appease people. I thought I was okay with it. Yesterday changed my mind.

I didn’t expect anything. I just read a book, and when I do scroll online, I just mindlessly like other people’s posts of flowers and chocolates and grand gestures of undying love. I didn’t feel any jealousy, but I could also feel that there was something missing. And then my best friend told me that we were to hop online on Sky when the “carriage” arrives, but for the meantime she gave me the cutest doodles of us being together. I never had anyone do that for me, and she’s been doing it for almost 2 years now. I have countless drawings of me and us together made by her and I love every single one of those pieces. They’re like the extension of my heart now.

Anywho, the carriage finally arrived! And they brought us to the Little Prince area. Just the thought of my best friend arranging for all of that to happen makes my heart swell with so much happiness and gratitude. She said it wasn’t much, but to me, it was everything. To be considered like this. To be thought of. To be surprised. To be reminded that I am loved. I never thought that I wanted, needed all of those until I was shown. I wanted to voice out my thanks to her, but I couldn’t. I was overwhelmed by so much emotions that I am still figuring out how to name. Even now, I am still struggling with words.

I actually want to feel special, too. Even if it’s just for a day. I want the surprise sunset picnics and to be the told that I am loved. I want the sketches. I want the presence of a cherished loved one. I want to be treated like I am a cherished loved one. I’ve wanted it all this time. I’ve wanted it all along. And I feel like crying for letting myself be deprived of all those things before just because I didn’t want to be a bother and be seen as demanding or needy. But it’s been changed this time. This time, I never have to make myself small again. I am loved with all the gravity of “neediness” and “selfishness”, and I could not really ask for anything more.

Hey, bro!! If you’re here reading this please know that I appreciate you and all that you do so, so much. I don’t know if I’d be able to match your effort, but I will do my best. I know it’s not a competition dw hahaha hemlaghk atas atas. Always. From Isle to Eden and back!

[natsukumo]

It’s not everyday that you click with someone. It’s not everyday that you get to exchange some simple hi’s and hello’s with a random person and next thing you know they’ve already become an integral part of your life and growth. It’s not everyday you meet someone that will choose to keep you in their life every single day.

I wish I could condense all the memories we made together into one single video. But that would be impossible because we have made countless of moments now! And I am so glad and grateful for that.

I’m so glad and grateful that you let me get to know about you more. So much so that I even got to meet your brother! I’m still geeking over that tbh haha because wow you really do trust me. And that is the biggest honor. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life. You say you’re lucky to be in my company, but really I am just as lucky if not more to be in yours because you are the kindest, most thoughtful person ever. I’m still trying to figure out what good I did to have the Universe send you my way XD

You always consider my feelings and when you do hurt me sometimes, you are quick to make amends. I still don’t know how to react to being loved this gently. So apologies if I get clumsy and hurt you in the process as well. Maybe I have already did something that hurt you. I guess we will hurt each other again as we go on (not intentionally ofc lol), but I trust that will shape us into becoming better friends and better people. With you, I keep learning how to love. I used to think that love should be loud and grand, but with you I realized that love while intense can also be quiet and yet still felt. That it is also found in friendships and in the corners of a solemn desert where we send out our prayers. With you, I have learned that love can be sure and steady. I keep loving and learning with you. Thank you so much for that.

I don’t know where the winds will take us. One thing is for sure though - I will always hold on to your hand. I love you from Isle to Eden and back 🫂 XD

[natsukumo]

After 3 months, I logged back in on Sky. I didn't have any plans of going back tbh. I found it too lonely wandering alone while seeing other Sky kids hold hands and piggyback with their friends. But Bird coaxed me into stepping into the realms again to make new memories. I was actually super hesistant and I didn't feel ready at all, but I honestly missed the comfort that Sky provided so I logged back in.

I headed straight to Skylight Desert's memorial and I was hit with sudden waves of nostalgia and loneliness. I realized then that it wasn't Sky that I was missing. It was the warmth that a dear friend surrounded me with. I sat there for some time and wept a little. It just felt really desolate being there so I closed the app but told Bird that I have the app installed back again.

It was so nice flying around with Bird after such a long while! She actually also had to quit Sky for months due to personal circumstances. Seeing her Sky kid again was so nice and made me think that I'll probably be alright after all! So, I logged in again a few more times even though Bird wasn't able to join me. The loneliness was more tolerable, but I still couldn't go on CRs and do dailies. I mostly just went to places I frequented before and reminisced.

Finally though, Asriel hit me up. It felt so strange seeing his name on my notification bar. I'll just skip all the dramatic details, but long story short, I was able to reunite with my dear friend on Sky.

I don't know if the day would come that TGC would have to shut down the game. I hope not, but if it does come to that then I'm still comforted by the thought that those memories we made in the realms will stay alive in my head. The times we played for 12hrs straight, when we met that strange guy who wanted to "share the happy", when we played instruments together during my birthday, when we AFKed every night at Starlight, when we blew bubbles on top of Hermit and took pictures, when we tried to snuck in to the new area at Prairie, when we hugged it out whenever it gets too sad. It's all alive in my head; breathing with a tiny heartbeat at its core. Never ending. Never fading.

ただいま。おかえり。

[mournfulroses]

Mary Oliver, from The Selected Poems of Mary Oliver; "Sleeping In The Forest,"

[mournfulroses]

Franz Kafka, from a diary entry featured in "The Diaries of Franz Kafka,"

[natsukumo]

April 20th! What a special day. Today, I've known Asriel for a year now. It still blows my mind that we got this far. I honestly don't know what to say because I am just filled with so much love and other emotions that it's just hard to pump out words. But I still want to commemorate this day because it's just very special to me.

We decided to make an egg sandwich together to celebrate our friendship anniversary HAHA I was so scared that my eggs wouldn't boil, but they came out nicely! Asriel was so fast at doing his. He really knows stuff around the kitchen. It must be so nice living with him and being taken care of by him. It sucks that he doesn't live next door. Sometimes I would just daydream about knocking on his door, bearing his favorite snacks. We could just munch on it while watching and clowning movies. Life isn't a wish-granting factory though. However, I still feel lucky that despite the 13,000km between us, we still found our way to meeting each other. My skill issue on doing Eden really was a blessing in disguise XD

We love visiting OOBs together. Trying to go to places where we're not supposed to go while talking about life really built the foundation of our friendship. That's why I thought it was only appropriate to visit one today!

We still failed to do Sea of Stars, but this one is amazing too! It was a bit short lived though because I couldn't find a safe spot so we had to teleport back home after I took the screens. T'was still fun!! I really LOVE exploring places with Asriel. He is my four-eyed compass lol.

I just really love spending time with him. No riddles, no rhymes, no subtleties. Just the full honest truth XD We talk everyday but I still miss him and I find it not enough. Sometimes I worry that he will see right through me and find the damaged girl who is so needy that it gets a little suffocating. But he proves it time and time again that under his watch, I will be loved and cherished. That I will never have to doubt the tender and safe spot he laid out for me in the crevices of his walled heart. I feel lucky and privileged that I was given a space there because it is the warmest and safest place ever. I always joke about keeping him in my pocket, but I am the one who sneaked my way into his. I wish it's acceptable to just shout out how much I love him without scaring him away. It's one of those "i love them so much it hurts" case. I am just really filled with tender love for my dearest friend XD I want to say a lot, but it feels like my chest is about to explode and the words are all stuck in my throat. It's rare because I always have something to say, but right now I am just overcame with this flood of affection and it just will never run out. This much I know.

Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night and feel scared that one day all of this will be gone. That I will go back to waking up alone again. Giving this friendship with Asriel a shot was a gamble. I know anything could happen, but I didn't expect for it to matter THIS much to me. So I would lay there sometimes in the middle of the night and I would watch his Sky kid next to mine and say a silent prayer to the Universe, "please don't take this away from me. Please, please I will be good. Just don't take this away from me again." And I would drift off to sleep, my hands clasp together from praying so hard. Don't take this away from me.

We're still here though. I have a lot of anxieties, but right now, right here, we are existing together. We had a full trip around the sun together. Together, we are iridescent.

Still here.

[natsukumo]

I was just candle running with Asriel when turtle came. So... sunset! We sat and watched til it was finished and it was just so calming and reassuring. We talked about waiting for the sunset and watching it and I thought hey! Why not watch it 44 times (748393939 times actually) from the iconic land of sunsets? It was made possible by someone from the Sky Discord server and I am just so grateful. Lately, people have been complaining about how Sky has been becoming such an unfriendly community, but I don't want to focus on that since there are still plenty of nice people around!

Anywho, I logged in with Asriel and we held hands and together we stepped foot once again into the area of Dreams of A Little Friend. It felt so bizarre! It felt like greeting an old friend you have not seen for quite some time.

Asriel and I were just so hyped and we were losing our shit so hard hahaha the messages were just so filled with typos than usual. The last time that we were here was back in July and we didn't really get to explore much. But this time, we were free to just be our monkey selves! It has been really fun. We took plenty of pictures with the characters from the Little Prince while making stupid jokes that might be unfunny to others but are comedy gold to us XD

We sat and watched the sunset too! And it felt soooo nice watching it with a dear friend. I don't have a rose, but I have a monkey-ish fox with me and that is more than I could ever ask for XD

I've been to this exclusive area multiple times already, but for some reason this time around just feels much more special and moving. Probably because the interactions don't feel forced and I can just be honest in all aspects. It's a very special place, and I don't like to spend my time there with people whom I cannot be completely 100% comfortable with.

Honestly, I'm just having a lovely fun time here with Asriel. There is no pressure to candle run and no one else can teleport which sometimes disrupt the deep talks we would have lol. But most especially, we can AFK sleep under the starry night sky! On an asteroid! Not everybody can say that! XD

I guess it's just really lucky of me to be here with a friend that cherishes me as much as I cherish them! The fox said, "you become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed." And I don't mind being responsible XD It doesn't even feel like a responsibility at all to begin with. I guess that's what being tamed truly means. Being present and hanging out together just because. Just because 🦊🌅🌻

[natsukumo]

Happy birthday to my Sky kid! Man, time is not real. How is it that I've been playing for a year already? I know there are much, much more long-time players on Sky, but I feel like a real veteran now lol. This is my Sky kid exactly a year ago:

And this her now:

I've met so many people here. Like in real life though, they come and go. However, I am forever grateful for those times I got to spend with them.

I remember being my first season as the Season of Remembrance and first days of event is Love. I didn't understand anything that was going on and was just going with the flow. Eventually, of course, I learned. I can do my own CRs now. I know now when Grandma shows up. It's been really cool learning how to navigate the world of Sky with friends.

All the flying, running, staying up late talking to my best friend, goofing around, helping moths, AFK-ing just to sleep, discovering OOBs are forever etched in my mind.

Life will happen and I know one day I will have my last flight on Sky, but I will never ever forget my time here. I've learned so much from people. I've learned so much about myself. All thanks to this game.

[mournfulroses]

my favourite kind of days are days during which I passionately believe in healing, dreaminess and cathartic self-reflection. the days that feel more tender to me are days that I can bring myself to let go and surrender to the flow of my life and the inherent quiet and secrecy of my heart

[natsukumo]

Crumpled bedsheets and here I lay

In the darkness of the morning

Alone and somber shouldn't be the same

And yet, I love you anyway

Every breath catches, every step carried boulders

For the day must be endured in this cold harsh truth

Still, I carried on

Because I love you anyway

Sleep easily takes me now, but consciousness too

In the darkness of the morning

My breath catches and alone I caught it

By the way, I love you anyway

[natsukumo]

あなた は また 一人ぼっち だ

[natsukumo]

My first ever shared space! Aaaa I know it's not much but I really worked hard to get the tent and the kettle 😭 The manta plush, I wouldn't have been able to get if it weren't for my best friend gifting me hearts everyday for FREE.

Decided to create my first ever shared space in Isle because Starlight is getting a tad bit crowded. Nobody really bothers me here at Isle/Passage whenever I AFK. I don't have to randomly wake up because of some unprovoked honks and the sound of waves just soothes my soul.

Don't really care that much about cosmetics anymore. Just give me more props so I can make my shared spaces extra cozy please and thank you!

[natsukumo]

Tried to play Lost at a Sleepover from Omori while vibing on Sky since none of my friends were online XD I really loved that game. Maybe I should play it again since I only got to finish the Good Ending.

[natsukumo]

I'm so glad this OOB is so easy to access because it's seriously one of the prettiest spots in the world of Sky.