If you were to advise young girls on what to look out for in guys, what would some of the things be?
typically my advice is to stay away from men for as long as possible. Odds are that the majority you run into, will hinder your growth. So my advice is to look out for men, rather than look for anything in them.
Cultivate your self-esteem, your passions, become financially independent first.
Cultivating self-esteem: i canât stress this enough, it must be there before you go near men. Most men will damage your self-esteem. It doesnât even have to be deliberate on their part. It can be something like them not responding to your communication needs and most women will turn that inwards, and see that as reflecting your self-worth.
My advice to brown girls is typically the same as well. To build those things first. But then i guess, reluctantly, I do advise them to date. Because they will often be discouraged from dating. And in my experience, no woman from our cultures has managed to get away with not being paired to a man without being traumatized in some way & breaking ties. And your parents pickings will definitely be far worse, in that the aim of parents choosing for you (whether anyone admits it or not) is to continue patriarchal control over you.
So coming to what to look for in men:
1) look for how he reacts when you disagree with him or say no: This is the biggest thing imo. Do this early into the relationship. See if he completely loses it or even irritated. Does he budge and accommodate your no. If he does budge is it reluctant âI guess youâre rightâ. Do things seem to always be followed by a but. What you want is someone who is impressed and admires you. Not someone who is annoyed that you know better or more, because that would mean he wants to maintain himself above you. Also, men can admire you for being intelligent or opinionated but still manage to reduce you for it: either objectify you or infantilize you. e.g., aw its so cute she knows a lot. OR itâs hot that she knows a lot. Avoid both.Â
1a) does he apologize and admit fault: this is difficult for a lot of men, and it indicates ego and lack of integrity and emotional immaturity. Iâve seen men wrong their partners and just be sneaky, distract you with gifts or other things, try to make jokes or change subject so that they donât have to apologize! They have to acknowledge what they did wrong, why was it wrong, how it made you feel & take accountability. Do not excuse or put up with any less than that, it will build resentment.
2) is the conversation constructive: itâs more than if he is just listening to you and can regurgitate what youâve told him about yourself. Does the convo have a flow. Do you get to say what you want. Does he hear you out, ask questions, show interest. Or is he just waiting for an entry point in the convo where he can insert himself in order to relate to you. Because the first one feels wholesome whereas the latter, while okay, will make you feel empty in the long run.Â
(and i personally like it when i have said what I want, and the guy still stays quiet on the topic until I ask him so âwhat about youâ. I like it when they are quiet and donât speak unless instructed.. this applies for any men in my life not just dating lmao but that's just me)
3) how he talks about other women: what it is that he talks about when he talks about women. Look at how he looks at other women. Ask him about the women he has been attracted to and how he became attracted to them/what about them he liked. Ask this for real women. Ask this about fictional women. Always be mindful of whether he is objectifying women or not. If he is objectifying women, heâs not capable of real love so forget it. How to know whether he is objectifying women or not? Ask yourself if you or any women you have known would become attracted to a man in the same way/same scenario that he is describing to you.
4) Porn, dominance & attraction: this one is by far the hardest for me to describe in terms of what to look out for behaviourally. It does go in with #3, about how they talk about women. You can ask the guy about his current porn use, age at first exposure. What he thinks about and gets off to. If you don't want to ask directly, though I encourage that you do, I have found that sometimes you can sense that they watch porn & what they watch. I find that men who watch porn are turned on by very specific non-sexual things (hair, skirts, etc) on everybody. They think about fucking every random woman they see on the street, or picture other women while having sex with you. Doesn't even matter who the person is, they don't even know them or have to like them before thinking about them sexually. It's almost as if it's the item or a part they're attracted to, not the person. They have very specific fantasies and scenarios they want to act out sexually. The rishta I had to talk to, I asked him who he was attracted to/ if he ever found someone sexually attractive that he did not find emotionally attractive. And he mentioned he hated his boss, and that he fantasized about her. I asked how could you be attracted to someone you hate. He told me âyou know when you wanna put someone in their placeâŠ.." He was shocked I told him I didn't know what he meant and told me "well now you're making me feel like a creep".
If a guy âfalls for youâ real fast, to me that is an indication of him having in some way objectified you. Love takes getting to know. If he seems to have a âtypeâ, and exclusively date those type. I am personally weary of those men, even if I fit into that type myself (especially if I fit into that type). Even personality types. Because men manage to reduce women into categories. You cannot fall in love with a category!
5) how he makes you feel about yourself: related to the above. Itâs his responsibility to make you feel good about yourself. I have stated elsewhere that I believe, that unless a woman has clinical type self-esteem issues, and also if you haven't worked on yourself as I mentioned in the beginning, a lot of womenâs self-esteem issues in a relationship actually stem from their male partnerâs failures. Their male partner is either objectifying other women which comes across subtly in conversations or the way they behave because they caught him looking at someone or following models on ig. So if you are not feeling good about yourself while you are with him, youâre not crazy. Examine if the source is him.
6) age old how he treats others: how does he treat people in the service industry. Does he get annoyed when his food at the restaurant takes longer. Relationships & especially having a family is about patience.
7) sense of responsibility: does he pick up after others. Not just himself. But others. This is observed. But also you can tell from the stories he tells you. What does he do for others? Itâs the kind of thing where eg., the house phone rings, who has to go for it or else it goes unanswered? Would he put the dishes in the sink or leave them around for someone else to pick up? Would he throw out the empty milk carton and replace it, or leave it empty because he got his milk?
7a) is he aware of his environment & his impact on his surroundings: related to above. Is he aware of the impact he has on his surroundings. Does he just walk expecting people to move out of the way? Would he be the type to leave his shoes in front of the door for you to open & trip over?
8) what is he telling you about himself: related to above.. When we tell stories, we all want something taken away from them about ourselves. What is he trying to get across? Most menâs stories are about a display of power and dominance, rather than having been helpful. Take notice!
9) How he relates to other men and things deemed feminine: does he have a lot of guy friends, what kind of friends are they? Frankly most men's male friends are terrible influences and bad social reinforcers.
If he tries to distance himself from anything that is related to women, stay away from that man. E.g., he doesnât watch click flicks⊠or watches them cos they are good to watch when you donât want to think so much. Just can't enjoy anything feminine without putting it down first. Also relating to #3, you can also check that from how he views female characters in movies, TV shows and books. If he sees their perspective or not. I remember one guy told me that robot girl from ex-machina was crazy. And that was really the entirety of his thoughts on the movie. Now I am not for pulling the kind of shit men pull where if a woman likes Fight Club then she's a cool girl. But a movie or a book where I think a female perspective is literally spelled out, and the man still cannot synpathize with the woman, then he lacks emotional depth and empathy. I think about how Skyler from Breaking Bad was viewed by a vast majority of men when she was actually such a great sane and brilliant female character.
I canât think of more. Over the years I have mentioned quite a few as I came across! But I havenât interacted much with men as of late so itâs not so fresh anymore. Just look for any display of dominance and dehumanization, both in words and in actions. I do have an advice tag.Â
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