Thought flow.
Seeing my kiddo reflect how I talk to and about others is a really big slap in the face. Do I do that? Do I also give that impression of people? Do I treat situations that way and talk about people that way? A few of the thoughts running through my mind. It makes me really want to take a long hard look at what she’s mirroring back to me. 3 is a bitch of an age. Once they start repeating everything you say, it feels as if you’re constantly bombarded with your faults, there and bare and naked, staring you stark in the face.
A challenge is the fact that I use talking aloud and ranting as a way to process thought. Having children doesn’t quite make that process convenient because either you do it while they’re around (practically always) or you have to wait until ‘more convenient’ hours. Not convenient when you’re in a though flow or when something has completely possessed your mind.
One challenging relationship I have tends to be with my mother. Often times the situations with her are the ones that I need to rant out loud about, for long periods of time. It helps me hear my thoughts, validate myself, and figure out solutions. I suppose it’s like a form of channeling, because that is when my best thoughts and ideas hit me the most.
Having kids is a sacrifice (and a blessing) in a lot of ways, but I guess the question here is, do I change my habits and eradicate talking negatively about others altogether because it’s not the healthiest/best habit? Or do I do sacrifice doing it when it is ‘convenient’ and push it off until later because I should respect my own way of processing things?
One thing that makes me question this being a healthy method is the fact that I often get stuck in a negative loop while doing it. I tend to get caught up in my anger and will go around and around with the same thoughts and framework and get more worked up. I have heard of some people enabling the rule that you vent about something once and then let it go. My brain has quite a bit of trouble with that. Even when I stop discussing it aloud, it will continue to run in circles around the issue in my head. Is that part of what I should be working on? Untangling myself from the web of negative obsessive thoughts?
What’s the solution? I think writing like this helps, I tend not to get caught up in a loop because it takes me just a bit longer to get my thoughts out and expressed versus expressing myself verbally and therefore I feel like it takes a bit more intention when getting those thoughts out. And perhaps writing them down and being able to visually revisit them helps stay away from getting caught up in that endlessly replaying loop as well. Wow I’m tired, can you tell?
I suppose what I’d really like, ideally, is to demonstrate healthy behavior. I definitely don’t think I should be negatively discussing anyone in front of my children and I think I will need to put that away for later. For my own benefit and growth, I think it wouldn’t be good to do it at all. I think the best place to come from will be to internally acknowledge and respect my own feelings about the situation, not give any negativity much space to breathe, therefore moving on instead of getting entangled and entrapped in it, and to only speak positively of others in front of my kids (for them) and at other times as well (for myself).
Alright. Self high five. Good thought flow, and this was really helpful. And I feel better getting it out of my system.
