Mental Illness while being fat.
Cw: mental illness, fatphobia, doctors
I don’t really post here on tumblr but since this would create x/3000 posts on twitter and I don’t want to share this with my entire Facebook world, who is unaware of many parts of my life, such as non-monogamy, here we are.
I woke up last night in the midst of a panic attack. Usually when I have panic attacks, I can hone in on why I’m having them. This time I had no idea. Maybe it was a dream (I take Lunesta to help me sleep and it often creates really vivid dreams, not always nightmares but sometimes). Regardless, my body was tingly, heart was racing, super alert and awake after being sound asleep.
I stubbles around looking for Xanax I keep for panic attacks (they don’t happen too often), couldn’t find them, my wife woke up and told me where they were, so I took a tab.
Usually that is sufficent, along with some deep breathing, to calm down. But this time it was different because I starting wondering if maybe I was having a heart attack instead of a panic attack.
Previous to last night, I would have never considered that. I’m under 40, a heart attack has never been on my radar. Well it hasn’t been on it since a doctor appointment in early September.
I had stopped by my doctor’s office after work to get a new prescription for Lunesta, I figured it would be simple, in and out. As is their protocol, they took my vitals. Both the nurse and dr noted my heart rate was elevated. The dr asked me if I was nervous (because being asked if you are nervous def helps if you are nervous). I don’t like the doctor’s office, so that have been a factor but I wasn’t particularly nervous. They asked me to stay for an EKG. We did three run throughs, each making me more anxious, which in turn raised my heart rate. The EKG technician even mentioned that the readings were consistent with someone having a heart attack (another great thing to hear when you’re having someone test based on an elevated heart rate). After I told them I had no symptoms, they relented on the tests with an appointment for a further test in October.
But before I left, I was reminded by the dr that my risk for a heart attack is greater because I am overweight. There it is. I understand they were trying to be through but I had told them several times that 1) I felt fine 2) the testing was making my heart rate go up. I’m fairly sure I would have been believed if I was a skinny dude.
Flash forward again to last night, the idea this panic attack could be a heart attack manifested from this doubt the dr put in my mind about my body. I considered going to the hospital. I considered leaving a note for my wife in case I died in my sleep. I considered reaching out to an ex partner because I didn’t want to possibly die and have our last contact be nothing of substance. I considered calling a current partner and talk to them because they’re a nurse and maybe they would reassure me it was just a panic attack. But end of the day I just tried to relax and as the Xanax worked, accepted that it probably wasn’t a heart attack. And I woke up this morning. Alive and fat.
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