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I didn’t understand why you did what you did. The more I think about it and the more I try to see things from your perspective, the more I understand. I think I understand a little better these days. I’m sorry for not understanding sooner. I’m sorry for not saying the things you wanted to hear. You’ve been through a lot and I wouldn’t wish that kind of hurt on anyone, I’m so sorry and I wish I could’ve made you feel better. I promise my intentions were pure, I promise that I love you so much, with all of my heart. I’m not perfect but I want to get better, and I’m sure one day I will be.

I’m not sure if I believe in God, but I pray that you’re in a much better place now. I want you to be so happy. So happy that you don’t even remember the bad things anymore. So happy that you’re not afraid to let your guard down and get hurt again. I want the absolute best for you, always.

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One of my favourite things was singing to you. To be so deeply in love with your significant other to the point where just looking at them makes you happy and makes you want to sing love songs to them to see them smile. Thinking about our happy memories helps me when I miss you. Maybe I can sing to you again one day. I hope you still like the sound of my voice. I hope it hasn’t changed too much since then. I haven’t been singing for a long time and that makes me sad because I use to enjoy it so much. Maybe I can start trying again. I love you so much.

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I think about messaging you almost everyday, but I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I don’t think the conversation would go anywhere. I don’t think you would feel the same. I don’t think I could tell you how much I have fucked up. You’re happy and that’s great and I’m so happy for you but what about me? I feel like the conversation would be one sided. I don’t know if I could trust you the same way like I use to, and I don’t expect you to do the same for me but I can promise you that my love for you has not changed much since then. I keep telling myself that I was in love with the old you, and I don’t know if I would be in love with the new you. But I honestly just tell myself that to protect my heart. I would still want to try to love the new you. I don’t want to hurt again. I’m still hurting to this day.

Sometimes I wish we could just start all over fresh, like i’ve never met you before. Unfortunately, I don’t think you miss me the same way that I miss you. I think you miss us in a platonic sense. I’m sorry that I can’t feel that way, there’s just too many memories and emotions attached to you. Honestly, I don’t think i’m ready to be in a relationship. There are many other things in life that I need to focus on first but it’s just so hard to start. I’m terrified of the future and what will happen to me. Talking too much about this gives me really bad anxiety but I can’t talk to anyone else about it so here I am. I wish I could talk to you about this without feeling like shit or having to worry about being judged or you thinking that I’m a fucking loser. I know I’m not a loser but I really do feel like one. It’s due to the poor choices that I make but for some reason I can’t seem to stop making these bad choices. I think I have to stop typing now before I give myself another panic attack. I’m sorry.

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I didn’t know breathing would’ve been so important. I can’t remember the last time...no wait never mind. I do remember. I think the last time I could take a big breath in and feel okay was when we were hiking up that hill. I think that was the last time I had spent time with you. The air was cool and refreshing. My sinus’ were clear and my throat didn’t have any phlegm inside of it (ew gross I know). It gets harder to breath when I think about you too much. Just gotta keep telling myself that I’ll be okay, one day. Gotta keep telling myself to think positively and my life is on track and i’m on time. Anything to keep my sanity intact. I really am my biggest enemy. Sometimes I wish I was stupid. That I could just wake up and be happy for no reason at all. The people who’ve mastered that are lucky. I bet they don’t spend as much time inside of their head. It must be so nice to not know certain things and live life in ignorance. To not experience pain or suffering. But I guess that’s all part of life, right? We have to endure these things. Sometimes talking about it makes it easier to get through, sometimes we don’t have anyone to talk to...which is why I resort to talking to myself like this. Sometimes I hope someone will read this one day, and maybe they might relate. Sometimes I hope you will read these posts one day. A lot of them are about you.

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There’s something so comforting when you know that you’re not alone. When you know that there are people out there who feel just like you do now. That those people have gotten through their hardships and are much better now. I have hope that one day I’ll be like them too. I want to ask them how they did it. What helped? I know time is a huge factor but is there something else that is of significance? My guess would be good friends and distractions. Keeping yourself busy and occupied helps your mind flow. You don’t focus on the bad for too long. You slowly start to forget and replace those thoughts with better memories. Sometimes I think I’m getting better and it makes me happy to know that things might actually start to change. The good kind of change. I can’t wait for the day when my dreams finally come true. When I can finally get over this part of my life. Starting a new chapter isn’t easy but I know that it is necessary for what I want. I know I can do it. I just don’t know when I’ll be able to or what steps I need to take exactly. Honestly...I’m just scared of things not working out. That’s what is stopping me the most. Try your best, don’t give up.

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Coming to grips with the fact that things will never be the same is something I’m still processing. That, or I don’t know if I’m in the denial stage. Why is that hope still in my heart? Why do I keep hanging on? Why does this happen at the most peculiar times when it’s almost like the universe is trying to send me a sign? I don’t know if I’m tricking myself into this or if it really has something to do with the universe but I believe that everything happens for a reason and I try to tell myself that these things are not happening to me, they’re happening for me. The truth fucking hurts but it makes you stronger. Little things like trying to change the intrusive thoughts in my head by distracting myself or forcing myself to think of something else sometimes help, but somehow it still comes back. I try to tell myself that it will get better one day, and I honestly do believe that I will get better. It’s just a matter of time and finding other things to replace those thoughts with. My heart still beats faster when I hear your name and sometimes I have to take deep breaths because it gets hard to breathe. I still feel like I need to breathe 100% pure oxygen. I get scared that thinking too much about this is going to make me get anxiety again. -sigh-

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