light me up

let me bum a smoke, still coming down, dripping throats. alex s. knight. twenty. un-extraordinary. columbia.

[camdensterlingknight]

“oh, you haven’t reached the level of crippling self loathing until you drop an entire folder worth of confidential legal agreements off the side of the trolley going through china town,” camden spoke with a bit of a grimace, remembering one of his first days in san francisco. it was a smaller city than new york, by far, but the energy was different and it had thrown him off. “are you sure you’re okay? at least let me give you a ride,” he offered, a bit concerned that she’d hit her head hard on the pavement. “give me a chance to be the hero a little longer,” the man added smoothly, cracking a grin.

[nearlyalex]

she looks at him for a moment and then laughs at his explanation, though it hurts her head a little bit. she places a hand on the side of her head and then shakes her head a bit. “yikes, that’s pretty bad, i have to agree.” she winces a little bit and then nods her head again. “i’m okay. nothing painkillers won’t cure or a glass of wine,” she adds jokingly, but when he offers a ride she decides to take it. because getting the tram or the trolley back home doesn’t sound exactly thrilling considering she nearly got killed by one. “alright, fine, if it boost your ego a bit more i suppose it wouldn’t do any harm. only if it’s no trouble though,” she walks with him to where she assumes his car is. 

[camdensterlingknight]

“made even more embarassing by the fact that your demise would’ve been partly because of a shoe,” he added with a smirk, his arms wrapped around her even as he was on top of her; the momentum causing both of them to crash onto the ground. once he got to his feet, he gently helped her up and kept a tight hold on her, noticing her swaying. “whoa, no problem, we should probably get you checked out, you’re probably gonna have a hell of a bruise there,” camden advised, studying her with the brightest of blue eyes.

[nearlyalex]

looking up at him she didn’t know what exactly to do, when he moved she moved and gotten up, grabbing her papers and brief case, smoothing out the wrinkles in her shirt and skirt. she gulped again and looked back up at him. “yes, well, i can’t say i’ve done worse, this is pretty much up there on the list,” san francisco was full of life, numerous people had most likely seen the accident and normally that didn’t bother her but she felt self conscious for a brief moment. “anyways, i think i’ll be okay. honestly. i’ll be fine. no worries,” she chuckled, looking at her bruise she took another deep breath. “but hey, you get to be hero for the day. how exciting.”

[nearlyalex]

“you know, i think almost getting hit by a trolley is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life,” she says with a small laugh, though her cheeks are heating up and she’s looking up at the man and she gulps. she had so much on her plate lately, with her new client and trying to get the wedding perfect she didn’t know what she was thinking when she thought she could run faster than the trolley, but then thankfully being grabbed and out of harms way. san francisco was definitely not made for her -- but she loved it here. “thank you, by the way,”

[camdensterlingknight]

“hey, our parents would’ve been friends,” cam remarked dryly. his relationship with his parents had always been unique; he was close with his mother, but he hadn’t spoken to his father in months. after taking his company out from under him, cam refused to have his father be a part of his life. “you’ve got me, my schools all had galas or balls for fundraisers, not carnivals,” he chuckled, imagining some of the people he went to school with on a Ferris wheel of any kind or eating corn dogs. “still, Disney should be fun. someone’s gotta keep everyone in line. not sure how we got the parent roles but as long as Andy doesn’t get lose and lexi doesn’t decide to work there dressed as a princess, I’ll consider it a success,”

[nearlyalex]

the two had grown up in a very different lifestyle. alex had grown up in a small apartment in holloway, london, where there were often shifty people and it was small but her parents were writers and barely finishing college when they had alex, both were reclusive and didn’t go out much because they couldn’t go anywhere without getting in a fight. but alex loved her mom and she tried to make the best out of alex’s childhood before they passed, but she refused to take her to amusement parks because it was a ridiculous notion to her. “my mum would have liked your mum,” she nods her head with a smile. “she had a dry wit though, not many understand the english humour, but she would have been interested in your mum’s work and want to write about it,” she liked to think of them meeting, though clearly it’d never happen it was nice to fantasize. “okay, so when we have kids we have to take them back here and give them the experiences we lacked, yeah?” she had already made the decision, she wanted more for her kids and not hold back. “i hear the peter pan really sticks to his character i want to bump into him,” she laughed, “but i agree, as long as no one gets lost, i think we’ll be good,”

[camdensterlingknight]

“never? in your life?” camden asked with a crooked smile from his spot on the bed, sprawled out in the room alex had chosen among the dozen the mansion had. cam had stayed in some nice places for vacation, but the place bates’ had brought them to was luxurious. all the young adults were enjoying relaxing after finals were finally over. lexi had graduated from high school, and they were all off to LA. laughing as she smeared tons of sun lotion on her face, he stood and began rubbing it into her skin further. “amusement parks are fun, just don’t eat tons of junk before going on a rollercoaster, i love you but if you hurl, i’m leaving you there,” he joked.

[nearlyalex]

“never. i don’t know, my mom was pretentious, my dad hated anything have to do with other humans, we just never went out much,” she laughed, considering she took a lot after her mom and dad in the manner she rather stay home than go anywhere, but amusement parks seemed fun from pictures she’s seen. with his help with the lotion she smeared as much as she could, knowing that she’d turn red rather quickly with her pale skin. “thanks, i appreciate it,” she said rolling her eyes playfully. “i have an iron stomach, i think i can handle it. i do want a corn dog, i feel like that’s a staple for amusement parks, yeah?” she didn’t know, but it sounded fun. “we can get those tiny little minnie ears for cat. i think they make some for animals,” she was rather gleeful of the idea. 

[nearlyalex]

“i’ve never been to an amusement park, so this is my first time,” she mused, thinking about the plans for today, the sun was beaming down and already it was too hot for her. “oh shit, i forgot the sunscreen,” she grabbed it from her bag and then started putting some on her arms, neck and her face, “there’s probably patches of globs huh?” she looked at camden with a small chuckle, “help,” she laughed shaking her head. 

[camdensterlingknight]

cam didn’t even like to think about what his life would be like without alex; if after their breakup, if he hadn’t sat at her bedside during her coma, if he’d pushed her further away, he honestly wasn’t sure where he’d be. he would never have grown into the man he’d become, he’d still be hurting people for fun, treating their emotions like his own personal playground. sometimes, he looked at his life, at the beautiful wife who had agreed to love him for the rest of their lives despite knowing how he was- he didn’t understand. he didn’t believe in god, but he had to wonder if he truly did have a guardian angel watching over him. “i’m glad i met you too. super glad we had sex five minutes after we met,” he chuckled, pressing his lips against hers for a moment before walking to the door. he’d instruct the doorman to gather their bags, and from there, they were off to Europe. he enjoyed spoiling Alex; she never expected it, even knowing how much money he had, and her cerulean orbs would light up like fireworks at any small surprise. it made him happy, making her happy. settled in the back of the car, his arm around her, he pressed his lips to her shoulder before resting his forehead there. “you’d better text someone to take care of cat while we’re gone,” he reminded her.

[nearlyalex]

alex had never really believed that she’d get married because it didn’t work for her parents and she didn’t want to carry on the chain, but considering that they passed away and didn’t have any sons to carry on the family name it died when alex had gotten married and surprisingly -- it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would because she’d have her own family and a better marriage than her parents and more children she hoped than her parents did. she grew up alone and raised herself which explained when she had come to akamai how fucked up she really was and the image she thought of herself, it didn’t help that people labeled her the cruel names but she embraced it. “it was alright sex,” she joked, wrapping her arms around his waist as they headed out, saying bye to cat who was already meowing. “i’ll text bates to pick it up, or maybe eli and autumn,” she mused, getting in the car with him and holding his hand. she loved him more than words could explain and expressed it by small acts but even broader with words. 

[camdensterlingknight]

“a year- look at us,” he high-fived her, before kissing her head. he was so proud of the two of them, for making their marriage a priority and getting through everything they’d gone through. they hadn’t let anything split them further apart, but instead every difficult thing brought them closer together out of need. wrapping his arms around her waist and picking her up, the blue eyed boy gazed up at the girl happily; feeling content for the first time in awhile. he was so excited to celebrate a day for love with his love, and what better way to do that than to jet off to europe. “i don’t even want to think about business until we get back, i just want to forget about the whole thing so that i can focus on your for days on end,” cam declared seriously, brushing some curls away from her eyes.

[nearlyalex]

people didn’t like alex in the beginning, when she was on top people didn’t like her because of how she acted -- when she had been banished from her group of friends she was a nobody. she focused on school and then partying for a long time, when she had met haley she was in a dark place, and after that her life had spun out of control with finding out about chase, and then her own personal demons got the best of her, she got into pills that made her numb and stay up for nights on end because she cared more for school than herself, when they had their break she had been depressive, and gotten into another car wreck, which led her to being in a coma for almost three weeks. they had come far, with what each had to deal with, they had come so far and she was so proud of how far they had come because what they had was real, no matter what people on the outside had thought of them as individuals or together. “i’m glad i met you,” she said appreciatively, running her hands through his curls looking at him in the eyes with a small smile on her face. “to europe we go!” she laughed, being scooped up in his arms.

[camdensterlingknight]

“that’s true, we have like no pictures when we were dating. i think it went along with the whole ‘too cool for school’ thing we had going,” cam chuckled, realizing that the only pictures they had of the two of them together in high school were ones that haley had snuck or that alex had taken, but for the most part, all their pictures were from their engagement and after their wedding. the idea of having kids that would think they were gross old married parents made his lips quirk into the barest of grins before he pressed his lips to hers. “we are very cute, i’ll give you that. and i can’t wait to completely traumatize our kids by how in love we are,” cam smirked a little against her lips, his arms holding her waist. she was shorter than him by over six inches and it was cute, he loved the feeling she gave him when she looked up at him. it made him feel as if someone believed in him and that, to him, was everything. “you know i think you’re the only person who’s ever said that to me?” he remarked thoughtfully, kissing her once more.

[nearlyalex]

they had a lot of stuff happened to them, when she thought about it, and she always thought about it sometimes, and how far that they had come, it had amazed her that they had defied the odds of what she assumed others would think they would turn out. and it took her a long time to believe in herself but she did. whatever asher had done to her she had come back stronger because of it. she was still looking for an internship and it scared her sometimes but she had someone believe in her and she believed in him too and that was the important part. many she had assumed had let him down or just decided that he wasn’t enough or worth it and it broke her heart and she wasn’t going to let that happen. “oh, total badasses,” she rolled her eyes jokingly, “we’ll be married for a year in like three months,” she thought, her thumb caressing his neck, “yeah? i’ll tell you more often then because it’s true. i’m very proud of you and think you’re very worth it. you have a big job and shoes to fill and you’ve been doing a lot better than you think,”

[camdensterlingknight]

“you? cheesy couple pictures? i’m shocked. it’s not like i have a whole scrapbook just from our honeymoon,” cam joked as they headed into their room to pack. he had packing down to a science, it was almost frightening. his suitcase was packed in a mere five minutes, double checked, and ready to go. “cruel woman,” the man pouted a bit before pecking her cheek and sitting down, taking the package from her and smiling faintly; blue eyes taking everything in. “you know i love your gifts. they’re always thoughtful, and it reminds me how much i love you every time,” he held it like she had just handed him something precious, and a thoughtful expression flitted over his features. sometimes, well, most of the time, he couldn’t believe she’d agreed to marry him. him, with all of his anger and his past- somehow she had seen past all that to the man that he could be, the man that he was deep down, and that was everything to the man who’d never had anyone believe in him when he was a boy. “thank you for loving me. it’s not easy, i know it isn’t, but you’re honestly the driving force behind me no matter what i do. everything that i do, every decision i make on a daily basis, i try to be the best man that i can be for you,” he admitted, sitting down beside her on the bed and cradling her face in his hands. “thank you,”

[nearlyalex]

the problem with alex was that she either packed too much or scarcely. most of the time her packing was just sticking clothes in the suitcase and that be it. she had looked at her clothes before shrugging her shoulders and placing them in a somewhat orderly fashion and then grabbed her utilities bag and placed it in the corner before sitting down next to him with a small smile. “well, i was making up for the lack of pictures when we were dating,” she shrugged her shoulders, wrapping her arms around him and resting her chin on his shoulders. “plus, it’ll give the future kids something to be grossed out about,” she scrunched her nose, thinking about it. her own parents didn’t have many pictures together, she only had a few, and she wanted to be better parents than her own were. “plus we’re so cute, look,” she grabbed one of her favourites and placed it back in its slot. her thumb caressed the side of his neck and she smiled gently at him. “it’s a pleasure to love you. even when you’re a pain in the ass, i wouldn’t trade that for anything.” she teased, “we’re both deeply flawed but its worth it. you’re worth it to me.”

[camdensterlingknight]

strumming and humming the song that meant so much to the both of them, this wasn’t technically part of his grand valentines day plans, but he would serenade her every single day for the rest of their lives if she wanted him to. “then paris it is, think we can be at the tarmac in an hour?” cam grinned, excited tobe traveling with his wife. being alone on a jet to europe all the time was not nearly as much fun without alex reading and occasioanlly exclaiming things about the book, or her humming along to throwback songs he hadn’t heard since he was a freshman. and paris was not fun when all he saw was a board room, this trip would be good for both of them. “finish your coffee and then let’s pack,” he nudged her, tipping her chin up to press a firm kiss to her lips. “and since i am still the man you married, there’s lingerie in your closet from me,” he smirked a little.

[nearlyalex]

alex couldn’t sing for the life of her, she wasn’t gifted in that area -- but she did like hearing him sing and play his music, it didn’t happen too often with busy schedules but she did enjoy it when it did, it was like a tiny piece of heaven for her. it had still took her by surprise that they were married, in four months they would be married for a year, time had seemed to go by so fast but it suited them, after all the stuff they had gone through they deserved this. “get ready for a shitload of cheesy couple pictures,” she had given him a face before kissing him back, her hand rested on his neck to pull him closer for a second. “oh, wouldn’t it be a shame if i just left that here?” she teased, hopping off the seat and then taking his hand to head back to the bedroom. “okay, so your present actually coincides with pictures,” she grabbed it from under the bed and then handed it to him. “i mean i had already made a scrapbook, but that’s from when we first met, with little drabbles from my journal, to our wedding, and then a little bit after with a letter that you can read while i get packed- thanks for loving me.”

[camdensterlingknight]

“hm, well, i have a few plans, you can pick which you prefer. okay, so plan number one, we spend the day in central park and have a picnic- i can have maria pack a basket- and then go see a play. or plan number two, we can stay in and have sex then go to dinner and a play, or plan number three, we fly to paris and spend the weekend there,” cam finished with a casual shrug, leaning over to press his lips to her forehead before grabbing his guitar and strumming a bit. the song thinking out loud popped into his head, and he smiled a little, humming the tune as it reminded him of their wedding day and their first dance.

[nearlyalex]

she listened to his suggestions and nodded her head as she chewed on the food. “all sound very promising,” she said, taking a drink of her coffee. it had been about two years since they’ve been together, which came with a lot of personal challenges, they were different people then and had grown together as a couple facing those challenges. she was proud of them because in the beginning she didn’t think she’d ever find anyone who would love her. “okay,” she set the toast down and then thought, “i can’t remember the last time i’ve been extremely spontaneous, i feel like i’m losing my touch so.... why not go to paris?” her eyes lit up listening to the song and the possibility of just leaving even if it wasn’t for very long had started turning the wheels in her head and she laughed. 

[slutratu]

[camdensterlingknight]

“i have no doubt,” he muttered with a shudder, knowing she’d full well make good on that threat. that was why he loved her, she was a fireball and had such a strong spirit in her. he whined a little at the pinch but quickly recovered enough to catch her when she leaped from the bed to his back. she was the goddamn love of his life and the damn holiday didn’t seem so bad after all. “okay, to the coffee. let’s go, princess,” and with that, he headed for the kitchen where her favorite breakfast was set out on a tray next to a large mug of coffee and more roses. “i promise i didn’t go overboard on gifts, but i know you like flowers, that’s why there is a rose for each month i’ve loved you,” cam said after setting her down on a stool and pressing his lips to hers.

[nearlyalex]

it had been a long couple of months for the girl with school and the fact that she couldn’t find and internship anywhere because of her lack of trust in the people, today was a perfect day to just relax some and enjoy the quality time with camden which she felt like they didn’t have as often as they should. when he sat her down on the stool she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him back before smiling at the flowers, which were quite a few. she had picked one up and smelt it before setting it back down and then looking at the breakfast which smelt delicious, “thank you babe,” she took a bite from the food and then a drink of the coffee which she so needed in the morning. “my present for you is hidden under the bed i’ll have to retrieve it in a bit. do we have a plan for the day?”

[camdensterlingknight]

“ouch! i know you like it rough but geez,” he teased, setting the rose down and wrapping his arms around her as she sleepily scooted closer to rest against him. his fingers combed through her hair as a deep chuckle escaped him and he kissed the top of her head. “happy valentines day, now, get up. seriously. i put the coffee across the room so if you want it you’re gonna have to get up. let’s go, move your cute little ass,” swatting at aforementioned ass, cam quickly rolled out of the way before he earned himself a slap, taking a sip of his own coffee as he ran a hand through his hair.

[nearlyalex]

“i’m going to punch you,” she says with a laugh, getting up, looking up at him with a small smirk, pinching his arm, without any warning she had jumped up on his back and then placed a kiss on the side of his neck, “alright, take me to the coffee,” she laughed, knowing this looked so ridiculous but if he was in a playful mood then so was she -- plus, alex above all was lazy this morning after having just woken up. “come on knight, lead me to the kitchen,” she did have a few presents to give him that she stayed up last night making when he had fallen asleep, it wasn’t anything too fancy, but it was definitely thoughtful. 

[camdensterlingknight]

“Happy Valentines Day, Alex,” He leaned over her to murmur in her ear, smiling as he took in her sleepy state; hair a wreck, all of the blankets they had bunched around her like a cocoon and he still thought she was the most amazing woman he’d ever laid eyes on. Flopping down beside her, he began to tickle her cheek with the single red rose he held, grinning a little when he saw her nose scrunch in annoyance. “C’mon, lazy ass, it’s like noon and I want to romance you,” He said in a joking tone, although he was pretty serious. “Baby all through the night I’ll make love to you, like you want me to,” The man warbled with his palm clutching his chest, trying to get her to wake up.

[nearlyalex]

alex had groaned with the red rose against her cheeks, making it immediately itchy. she had reached a hand out to grab his nose and yank on it. “you’re a real charmer,” she muttered under her breath, yawning before she finally opened her eyes and squinting at the sun peeking through the blinds. “oh god,” she had gotten up slowly moving her raven-like hair back eyes adjusting to the sight of her husband right in her face. “happy valentines day, asshole,” she smiled sleepily, leaning her head against his shoulder.

[iheartnewt]

Kaya Scodelario for Wonderland magazine