The Baltimore Chop

thebaltimorechop.com @thbaltimorechop

[neartheelevators]

The cartels are gonna kidnap an Englishman or two tonight. As a treat.

[neartheelevators]

Oh Kyle Schwarber hit a home run? That’s literally all he’s paid to do. He’s the David Ortiz of the 2020’s.

Oh Bryce cycled in the 5th? Mets starting pitching must have stunk bad.

Do that shit against the Dodgers or Braves you pussies.

[neartheelevators]

🤯 If you’re 51 and your dating app profile says you’re a soccer mom… well I have questions.

You should be an empty nester. Or a married 51 year old soccer mom. There’s nothing in between that doesn’t involve some missteps and bad decisions.

[neartheelevators]

I have a first date tomorrow at the mall. We’re gonna probably have a drink and then see Devil Wears Prada 2.

Such a throwback. The first date I ever went on was to the mall and that was in about 1992. 7th grade.

How bad could it be?

[neartheelevators]

Getting old is Hell.

Had to come to terms with 70’s music being great. You sit there and listen to Dr John, Bonnie Raitt, the Goddamn Beatles, Stevie, Van Morrison, you hate that your parents were right.

But now YouTube is inundating me with Billy Joel and I am not pleased to report what I’ve always known: that that man had an absolute streak of fire in the 1980’s that put him in the damn pantheon of songwriting.

[neartheelevators]

Well they… blew up the bigot man in Utah last night and they blew up his bullshit too… 🙌🎶

[neartheelevators]

What did they think “we’re going to destroy Hamas” meant?

Vibes? Papers? Essays?

[neartheelevators]

At some point everyone has to recognize that data centers are Spiders Georg, and they have to pay more for electricity and water.

Fucking Outliers.

[neartheelevators]

“Beer battered” is the biggest fraud that ever hit a restaurant menu. That shit started in like 1992 and continues to this day.

But still

If my menu offers beer battered onion rings and also water battered onion rings which one do you think I’m choosing?

[neartheelevators]

Trying to google a basic question about Super Bowl history and every result is like XXII or VIX

And also the Super Bowl happens in the year following the year of the season.

Just tell me who won in 1986 you cunts.

[neartheelevators]

Watched a standup comic do like 4 minutes about being nonbinary and then later in the set say “It’s a tough time to be a chubby woman.”

So which is it? You just spent 4 minutes insisting you’re not a woman.

[neartheelevators]

Colombian airport security took a fork out of my luggage. I’ve carried a fork all over the world including in and out of Colombia.

Didn’t say anything but I did walk directly to the nearest airport lounge and steal another fork.

Real crack security. Keeping the world safe.

[neartheelevators]

Nobody ever did it better.

[neartheelevators]

A long pattern of Israel bringing in aid trucks, Palestinians showing up at the locations by the thousands and starting to riot, and some of them dying when authorities won’t let them continue to riot.

But if you say that you get called a genocider.

[neartheelevators]

Having a “special moment” for Hank Aaron just because the ASG is in Atlanta feels cheap and phony and self-serving at this point.

They had some actual special moments when Aaron was still alive.

But you know what? They’re never gonna do this for Barry Bonds so what the hell. It’s fine I guess.

[neartheelevators]

Reactivated Tumblr to shout into the Internet Void on the day of Brian Wilson’s death:

1: The Beach Boys are overrated Boomer bullshit and you’re not some special elevated tastemaker for liking them.

2: God Only Knows is a singular recording achievement that’s pretty close to Yesterday and Shout! In the list of best songs ever recorded.

[neartheelevators]

Too old to know very much about Chappel Roan except that she seems like an asshole.

But old enough to know she’s definitely going to spend 20 years being miserable like Kesha or Lizzo wondering why she’s not the It Girl anymore.