BRACE FOR THE TIDERAYS.

on the hard nights you're the ace right and you would breakdown so gently in my livery.

[not-painted-anymore-blog-deacti]

Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk

[hipster-aesthetics]

[inhalcyon]

possiblybpd:

loving me must be so fucking hard i am so fucking sorry

[larmoyante]

I miss him as soon as he goes. When he isn’t with me, I think I made him up.

Jenny Downham, Before I Die (via inhalcyon)

[rottingveins-deactivated2021050]

You probably deserve someone better but I swear no one wants to wake up to your face as much as I do.

Unknown

[infestation-in-my-mind]

I don’t know how to ask for help. I’m not wired that way.

Jordi (Red Band Society)

[the-homie-sexual]

And we all have that one person, whether it’s a month from now or ten years from now, we’d go back to. Cause at the end of the day they’re the one who’s arms always felt the most like home.

(via the-homie-sexual)

[nearthelights]

inhalcyon:

kai settles in to the warm familiarity of his post, sitting like a SENTINEL for someone who has never needed him to do it, though that isn’t anything he learnt until well after the fact. until it was too late to rectify his mindset & sort out his head enough to SAVE it. it was a point of no return, & he can’t regret a single fucking thing that they were, a single fucking moment spent building it up, no matter how much he hates himself for the promises HE broke. promises he never should’ve made in the first place, even if he did so mean them at the time. he believed with his entire heart, soul, & body in what he was saying, in what he was offering. he just wishes he’d KNOWN better. here they are, though, & he’s still blessed to be in his presence, & he still loves him, & he’s going to hold onto every bit of him that he can. it’s been over a year. kai is no longer drowning, but that doesn’t mean he can’t still swim in the sea.

the door shuts, & his body shifts until he’s pressed up against it, ear & smile both at the read. fingertips graze against it, & he lets out a little breath, not intending to sing for him tonight, but wanting to at least TALK to him. “my boyfriend quinn’s brother’s beau bought rolly a bear costume.” try saying that three times fast. good luck. “it’s very cute. i’ll show you the photos later, if you want. i think he’ll wear it home monday, when he goes back to be with auden. i miss him so much when he’s not around, it’s like part of me is literally GONE.” there’s a tiny lull of silence then, which is very unlike kai, but clearly he’s chasing some sort of THOUGHT that wants to get away from him. “i’d believed once that it wasn’t possible to love anyone as much as i love the girls, or caro, or you, or theo, or even quinn or isaac, but then there he was, & i’d choose him first every time. funny how that works.”

he doesn’t get the song but kai’s voice still flits through the cracks in their wooden barrier so it is okay. until he glances up between spit & rinse & there are tears brimming eye lids without the preface of their usual slow burn. surprise stills him ; he doesn’t quite understand his OWN body’s reaction. kai sounds so happy, so damn smitten & chance could not wish more for him ; damn it all to hell if kai doesn’t deserve all that love & light & fulfillment in his life because that’s all he’s ever wanted for him but THERE IT IS. the click that signals the safety is off & a crushing reminder that fathers are supposed to love their sons. that kai loves his unconditionally & that family is something that’s supposed to heal & make better & accept faults & failures as bumps in the road. they are supposed to help & protect the way kai would for rolly, the way kai IS for him. 

at the very LEAST they are not supposed to be the ones leaving the bruises & breaking the bones & holding the guns. fathers are not supposed to lock their sons in the trunks of cars & gamble away their bread money ; they are not supposed to call their sons FAGGOTS & tell them that they will never be pretty or handsome or loved & deny them of believing in heaven at all much less a place for them there. fathers are not supposed to confine you to a room for fear of your life for twenty four years. there it is. staring back at him, CHEEKS carved delicately from the same mold at the man whom he’s hiding from. EYES poured from the same ocean that baptized him into hell’s favour. soft brown HAIR, thinner in the few spots where it had been pulled from the roots nearly a decade before & just slightly out of place - the same shade of DIRT as the man who made him, the same one who broke & continues to break him. when had his reflection become so dangerously familiar?

chance had been HAPPY. maybe not every day ; maybe a bit lonely & still struggling with the wants & desires of his addictions but he had been BETTER even in his bad days. he hadn’t seen it coming this time. it wasn’t a wary feeling or a shadow. it was more than a boy with rough hands in New York or an ex with soft ones in California. it was an intrusion on his HOME while he was hard at work. family just doesn’t do that. his hands press against the counter top, bracing a trembling body. minutes pass numbly before he remembers himself & that the faucet is still running & that kai may or may not still be speaking. his blood rushes too loudly in his ears to hear anything but his skipping heart rate. a lightness in his head & ripping sensation in his chest alerts to hurried breathing. he’s having a PANIC attack.

[nearthelights]

inhalcyon:

it’s not a surprise to him that his feelings SPIKE in short bursts of agonising, wonderful nostalgia; it mixes in with the love, it mixes in with the relief, & it mixes in with the longing laced pain that settles near the bottom to spider through everything. he doesn’t just turn it off. he never just turned it off. kai can’t work that way, he won’t work that way, & there won’t be a day in the future when he looks back on his time with chance and doesn’t know that it has NEVER left him. not once. not for a second. it fades into the background like the ever-present beating of his heart, or like how he breathes without thinking, or like how he never notices when he blinks. it’s just a part of him. it just is. a fact. a piece of kai lancaster that is never going to be JUST kai lancaster ever again, in the best way. in the way that he hasn’t regretted a single tattoo. there’s that smile, faint about the edges, tired for the illness that’s been slowly but surely hitting him for two days now, & worried for ocean-eyes & every piece of his soul that kai will ALWAYS be mated with, even if he’s no longer a lover. “i’m here with you.” it seems like the most appropriate thing to say. it sounds a bit like i never left. physical distance is a lot different from What They Are. kai’s smile doesn’t wilt, but it doesn’t grow either, & that’s okay. that’s more than OKAY. this is what they have now, this is what they are, & it’s still so much MORE than he ever imagined he could have. with anyone.

it takes another moment or two of his gaze lingering, of SELFISH indulgence, before he moves. it’s towards chance, & it’s only past him by the most short sighted of definitions. he does not touch him, but he sits next to him when he lowers himself down to the floor beside his bathroom door. he might be across the room, but that doesn’t mean ANYTHING. legs stretch out in front of him, & his hands fold in his lap, & his head rests against the wall with his ear pressed to it. it’ll be on the door when the time comes. kai looks completely in place.

saying thank you again seems excessive but for a brief moment he holds the words in his mouth regardless. in a perfect, surreal world chance would be able to paint every grateful sentiment across kai properly ; at the very least learn how to shoddily thread some sheet music together that would express it. alas, it is NOT that world they live in. he finds it hard to be regretful that this one has given him THIS. chance knows pain more than he knows anything else & if he given the choice he would take the pain of What They Are over the pain of never having found it. some things never change ; some things stay the same. tidal waves follow kai to FAMILIAR shores with an overwhelming sense of nostalgia & SAFETY. of home. of homesickness. warmth dusts the crests of his cheeks, more self conscious than anything else. alright, they will get through this. it is more than he deserves, he’s sure, but he will learn to accept a gift when it is given. he fiddles the plastic bag open on his way toward the bathroom, already working off the cap of the toothpaste. his hand hovers over the faucet ; he watches the fingers on his left hand tremble as they turn it on. by the time the door clicks quietly behind him, he holds his breath & waits. 

his eyes don’t dare to lift to his reflection for fear of the mess that will stare back at him. the forecast calls for a storm, after all. chance wonders how much damage he’ll take away from it. If there’s MORE than he bargained for waiting out in the rain.

[limitlessplaylist]

Visit Original Link

I’ve never been with anyone In the way I’ve been with you

[nearthelights]

inhalcyon:

it’s some kind of déjà vu that comes over him the moment he sees him there, framed by his door, saturated in that used-to-be, still-is familiar sense of HOME. his worry ebbs only just upon seeing him, upon being able to CONFIRM with his own eyes that chance is in one piece. he has this deep-rooted urge to nose over every part of him, to investigate & to be able to further verify that he’s UNHARMED, but it’s not something he allows himself to entertain for long. it’s born of his protectiveness, of his dominance, & of his LOVE first & foremost, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to act on it. instead, he gives him a tiny, closed-lipped smile when he stands aside, & makes his way in past him. he doesn’t go very FAR, mostly because he has nowhere to go, but also because he can’t stand the thought of chance being out of eyesight. it’s been TOO LONG. it sort of hurts to look at him a little, but more so, he thinks it’d hurt to look away. “oh, i brought these –” one of his hands dips into the pocket of his hoodie whilst the other one pushes his hood down from over his hair. it’s much longer than it would’ve been when chance last saw him in person; he has it tied up in a little bun. out comes a little plastic bag with the tea, and a tube of toothpaste that looks half used already. they have more at home. “for you.”

some times he thinks it’s remarkable how bright kai is ; how it still hurts a bit to look at him directly. he is quite awfully blinding in the way that he LOVES, still, however different their situation may be. he has always been light. chance thinks that it is a terrible honor to have ever gained access to his heart, to still hold any place in it ; that it is a horrific tragedy and wonderful blessing to feel that love in return and not know how to EXPRESS it anymore. he looks wonderful too, which does little to soften the blow and a lot to emphasize his own current state of distress. cue the shaky rake of fingers through his fringe. his other hand hesitates for a beat only out of shock before tentative fingers grasp the offering. kai had mentioned bringing supplies earlier, it should not come as a surprise but it seems kindness always does. some times are difficult to grow out of. “thank you,” holds more weight than tea and toothpaste require ; he is grateful for much more than what he is directly given. he’s sure kai knows what he means by it. the contents peers up at him, invitingly and it is not lost that they are products plucked from a life he is no longer a main player in. he knows - of course - how happy kai is now and how large a part rolly and theo play in that happiness. he wouldn’t change that for the world. chance is happy FOR him. if the knowledge that it could have been ( had been, was at one point thought to always be ) them still smarts the old wound in his chest now and again, it’s okay. expected, even. kai will always be kai ; chance will never not love him ; it is okay. he doesn’t let it LINGER too long. there are other things to worry about now. chance throws the weight of his worries onto the current, most prominent threat. the one that brought kai here in the first place. his FATHER is in town. “you really didn’t have to...” he says fruitlessly. they both already know this. he skips ahead, “i haven’t heard anything else from ciaran - but i like to think that no news is good news.”

[nearthelights]

inhalcyon:

kai feels like death warmed over. he almost wishes it were RAINING so the cold would hit him harder, sink into his skin & use him as a conduit to get to the earth. it would give him an excuse for shivering, after all, and it would give him an excuse for tucking his fingers against his ribs following his knock, keeping them safe. he hopes chance can hear him all the way from beneath his bed, but he also knows there’s no way he COULDN’T. he’s sure he’s expecting him, after all; there are some things that don’t change, even with how much kai has been GROWING this past year. he can’t grow out of everything, & he wouldn’t want to either.

fear comes first. or rather it reverberates from it’s place inside, out ; becomes cold ripples across every inch of his body. it’s the SOUND that crashes waves over him, second. relief. only one would knock today. anyone else chance might have been expecting would come with BOOMING voices or louder FISTS. safety comes with the pleasantry of the mundane rap of knuckles on hardwood. he scrambles out from under the mattress, looking better than he feels & still a bit hellish. hands fumble with sweater sleeves & perpetually fucked fringe. reckless abandon takes the risk of not checking the peephole for danger ( he is his father’s son ). third, though, comes dread. kai is not the only one fiercely protective of the things he CARES for. if something happens to him, there is much more to be lost. he’s sure his expression says as much, if not more, where his words fail to say much of anything. for what it’s worth, he does move out of the way to let him in.

[nearthelights]

pants.

SKY: theo takes excellent care of him

PANTS: i have faith that he does

PANTS: i will be okay kai

[nearthelights]

pants.

SKY: if i showed up would you let me in

PANTS: always

PANTS: but i think you should stay with rolly

[nearthelights]

pants.

SKY: even i'm not daft enough to believe that, and i'm very daft if you didn't remember

SKY: why would he be Right There

SKY: someone should be with you. you shouldn't be alone

PANTS: i remember you being smarter than given credit for

PANTS: coincidence????

PANTS: i will figure something out. don't worry

[nearthelights]

pants.

SKY: because they aren't born yet

SKY: pants you can't stay there

SKY: you have to go somewhere else if he's there you can't

SKY: i'll bring tooth paste and tea to auden's rolly misses his mum anyway if he's around you can't what if he knows where you are what if he does something

SKY: chance

SKY: is ciaran there

PANTS: you have lots of stars

PANTS: i will leave once he is not down the street

PANTS: thank you but i can't go to auden's i don't want him to follow me there if he's even here for me maybe he's just passing through looking for coffee i don't know

PANTS: i'm okay kai i don't think he knows where i am

PANTS: no ciaran said he was going to keep an eye on him and make sure he's not heading in this direction

[nearthelights]

pants.

SKY: i give him every kissie. little stars, scattered all on my collarbones. there's seven of them, but the seventh won't be here for a little while

SKY: tell me

PANTS: yes, good. why not?

PANTS: found some new freckles, skin doesn't feel right, ciaran ran into me dad at the coffee shop down the street, i out of toothpaste and there's no tea in the cupboard, me nose is sniffly. just a day.