CATHARSIS @necessitatesetdesideria - Tumblr Blog

i dont know what to do with my future. any idea what should you do?

Are you still studying? Or graduated? Plan ahead! Choose something to pursue that’ll make you happy. Dont rush your decisions in life, specially about your career. Give yourself some time to discern, away from stress and noise. Just you and give yourself some time to think. Weigh the things you dont like and the things you like. Choose the path that’ll make you happy and contribute good to the society :) Goodluck!

A usual day, after class, going to the bar. As i and my friends walk toward the entrance, I saw some of my buddies outside sitting, drinking, smoking. Just having fun. i head for some high slaps and smiles to my right. and after, i looked straight... I saw my friend, elen. As she and her friend walk into the entrance door, elen couldnt look at me in the eyes properly. i sensed something odd. I started to notice the girl behind her, just following elen’s steps. Head down, head up. and damn babe, it was you. It has been a long time after i last saw you. I stopped walking, out of disbelief. i thought i was looking at someone so unbelievable. uhm no.. the feeling was like someone, something from an old treasure box you used to own, the one you bury and never wanted to be found again, like you threw away the map, no intentions of digging it back. It was like someone handed it back you, someone found it for you, and held it towards you. your long time possession, long time friend, the one you used to love, used to care for, was finally infront of you, again. a gem i lost connection with, thrown deep.

we made eye contact for half a second, but you looked away. i didnt mind. i was still in awe. it was weird because both of you were wearing our school uniform.. while entering the bar. I thought the feeling was like falling again. but I differed. I and my friends partied upstairs, and you both below us. We were having fun, i actually forgot about you that time while having fun, but i got curious, wanted to talk to you. wanted find out how youve been. but only just that. I was just happy, plain happy. i got to see you again. just happy.

I opened the door to go to you, as i had my first step down, i saw you, you saw me. The bar lights were red, i searched for my next step, and as i looked up, you were nowhere to be found. Confused, i looked at elen. she didnt look so pleased. and She revealed to me, “Not now, she still has so many hurt”.

From the beginning, i never saw you smile. But for me, you were a wow. without intentions, you’re a gem of treasure, not intended for spending, unvalued. you were a Wow, yet i am still able to walk away.

Ive dreamt of a world with you in it. I was looking at the blue sky, and you popped out from my thoughts. How are you, what have you been doing, i hope youre fine. And then you put a smile on my face. A bittersweet smile.

My friend suddenly tapped me and said, “uy! Its___!!!” at first i thought my friend was just joking and all. But she kept on shaking me, forcing me to look. When i looked at where my friend was pointing, i couldnt see you. “where?”, i said. “there!! Cant you see?”, my friend said while still pointing at someone. “I cant, where, shes nowhere there. ”, i said. And we kept on throwing the same questions and answers. No matter how hard my friend pointed at the horizon of people, i still couldn’t see you. No matter how hard i look, no matter how hard i search nor stare at every person across, its not you. All of them are not you. My friend saw you, but i didnt. Couldnt. Why?

It has been a while since i saw you again. I was walking on a narrow way, houses were built close to each other. It was drizzling, rain just passed. There was an impulse to light a cigarette. I stood on the corner of a house. I suddenly don’t know where I was nor where i am going. I took shelter from outside a random house, I stood there warming myself up and just stared at this house in front of me. It took me awhile to realize whose house it was. It was just a small house with regular sized door and window which sees through the inside. I was staring through the window, and i could see a couple who just finished their meal. The man stood from the table and walked towards the window. He noticed me and surprisingly said, “Oh, nandiyan pala si ano eh!” She called her wife, “___! Halika dito dali!” It felt nice that they recognized me, that they were happy to see me. The man offered me a seat just outside their house. We sat together while he was calling her wife. The wife then went outside and saw me. I was happy to see them, and i greeted her with a warm smile. She was surprise to see me and thrilled to let her daughter know that i was there. She excitedly shouted, “Ay! ___, nak! Nak! Halika dito dali! May ipapakita ako sayo, nako, dali! Halika dito!” The couple was so happy to see me. When they were calling their daughter out, my chest pounded for a moment there. I didnt know what i was feeling. Was I excited? was I nervous? Did I want to run? What was i suppose to say? I glimpsed at the window and saw her silhouette. I was wearing my cap that time. I saw her coming out of the door. I didnt know what to do, so I tilt my head down enough for her to not see my face. There was a quick silence. The couple was just smiling, attentively waiting for our reactions. She was standing beside her mother while scratching her left eye. Her hair was a mess, but i saw it fine. She was wearing a loose shirt, seemed like she was just up from bed. She asked while her eyes were still barely open, “Ano?” Their daughter wasnt still aware that it was me until i looked up and searched for her eyes. I prepared myself from whatever her reactions would be. But when she saw me, she smiled shy and looked away, embarrassed on her bed look. I couldnt help myself but smile back. I finally saw her, i was finally infront of her. There werent any grudges, just smiles and light feeling. Her father immediately said after we chuckled on the sight of another, “Asus, ayun naman pala, sa ngiti lang pala, okay na eh!” It was weird because they werent really that supportive before, but i was still thankful. The couple then left and went inside the house to give us privacy.

There was this unexplained feeling. I was sitting right next to her, actually seeing her, face to face again. i cant say that i am happy, but... it was like nostalgia. Yes, that’s it.I looked like a fool just smiling at her. I thought I had so much to ask her, but turned out with, “how are you?”, “what have you been doing?” and things like that. I was more curious of who she was now, rather than question what happened after what had happen. As we got to know what were the things that’s keeping us busy lately, I realized that this will be just a visit. It wont matter how well we catch up. I realized that i was looking at my past. And she will always be my past. She was my past. Nothing more than kamustahan happened that night, nothing more can happen. It was just a visit. And i had to go soon.

i saw u again. naggagala kami ni mela non. tapos nakita namin kayo sa isang coffeshop sa labas. nakita ako ni ali. tapos lumayo kami ni mela. sabi ko nakita ko sila. tapos binalikan namin. nag cffee din kammi malapit sakanila. tapos i can see both of you. nakita mo din ako non. sabi ni ali, nandon daw ako. sabay binati mo ako. u called me by my nickname. and then by my full name. you were kinda excited or happy when u caled me. we hugged each other. after a very long time.. i missed u. i cant seem to let go. we didnt let go. we cherished that hug. and then i kissed your cheeks . and i know there will be no next time. i gently pulled away yet still close to your face. i looked for your lips but you found mine quicker. next thing i know i was craving for you. our lips met, our lips missed each other. i missed every you. then we remembered, theres still someone looking. there suddenly was a room. it was the psych dept storage room. we ewent inside and talked.

i wanted to first ask if you and ali are a thing now. beacuse i saw her playing and cuddling with your hands. but i know you will think that im still hoping. so i went for 'how are you na?' you smirked and looked away. your eyes started to show crystals. you couldnt hold it in anymore. it was where i finally saw that you were really hurt about what happened to us. for almost half a year, all i knew is that i was nothing. that you didn t even care about me. that it was okay if i go, that you will not be hurt. but those tears that i saw, i know, i know that s true.

while your tears were falling, you asked me, 'hindi ko talaga alam kung bakit mo ako iniwan bigla...' tears burst, you were catching ur breath. naawa ako sayo non, because i though u were doing fine, and youwere handling everything well. Yet there u were, crying about me, and hurting. i pulled you closer to me, and hugged you. i wanted to answer your question but no, not this time.

while you were grasping for air, i caressed every you, and held you even tighter, like i will nver let you go anymore. i kissed every you, like it can heal every broken you. i kissed your shoulders, down to your beautiful hands. i kissed your forehead, your cheeks, your lips. just to make you feel that im here. im already here. --- 8/14/16

#Dream #dream journal

i dreamed of you. you were in a dam. we, actually. it was raining mad...

it all started on a street full of bars and night clubs. i was alone wandering. you were with some other friend that time, somewhere in that place. then theres this close friend of yours, which i chose to blind myself that she really was. she was alone. i was alone too. i looked at her and she looked at me too. i came up to her and asked to hang with me in a bar. she decided to come with me. i smiled at her, she smiled at me too. then there, we spent a short time inside a bar, we didnt drink any. we left after a while. when we were already outside the bar, we saw you. she saw you. and you saw her. you both were happy to see each other. you both were happy.

...we were in a dam...

the bond was okay. we were now in a mall. we were with our friends, she was there with us also. we were wandering around the place. then she kneelt down on one knee and proposed. to you. she said that she realized you were the only one who has always stayed with her, and she was happy. i was looking at you. god knows that time how i was hoping hard for you to answer no. but then, you said yes. i cannot take it. i cant breathe. i cannot take the pain. i went to a store near by, my tears falling. i went to the comfort room to let it all out, but when i opened the door, there was somebody lying on the floor. i dont know if he was dead or just sleeping. but he looked so dead to me. so i went to the staff of the store and told them that there might be a dead body inside their comfort room. they panicked and checked it immediately, only to find out the guy was just sleeping. deep.

I didnt know what to do. so i sought help from a friend. my friend thought that you were falling in love for the wrong person. that you were falling for the feeling she was giving you and not to her herself. so i did something. i wanted to get you back. i approached you. sweet talked you. until i held your hands. the moment was great for me. suddenly, she appeared from nowhere. so we had to break away. it was always that way. whenever i go to you, whenever im starting to have a great time talking to you, she unknowingly cuts the moment off. i couldnt do anything because you guys were together.

i had enough, i confronted you. i begged you to think about what you have decided. to really think about you and her. i told you that i still love you. so bad. yes, i still love you. so fucking much. and it hurt, it fucking hurt whenever you were with her. it killed me that you were happy with her. it left me dead that i was not the one anymore. i tried so hard to convience you that you shouldve been with me, so hard that it left me in tears. but all i could see was you, and your not so serious face. you just laughed at me when you saw me crying. i dont get it. you even shouted and tried to get everyones attention just to broadcast that im crying. i dont get it. why? you were just laughing. you seemed like you didnt even care. "i'll think about it", the last phrase i remembered you said. you smiled and giggled, as you turned away from me, like all i said was a joke.

thats where it hit me. you were finally happy. you were decided. i was too late. i cant do anything anymore. i cant, and its so painful to face that i cant have you anymore. no chance. not even a little. i cant stand it, it felt like that world was going to collapse on me.

the pain was so strong that it clung to reality. i had to take deep breaths when i woke up. i had to tell myself that it was just a dream. it was just a dream. just a dream.

---4/--/15

#dream #dream journal #mirage #just a dream

nA mal tayo nag gagala tas nakita natin yung isang store may mga nagmamasturbate na 3 lalaki tas nasa window ng store tas sabi ko omg nakita mob yon tas di mo nakita tas biglang tumaliikod ung mga lalaki tas lumapid kami sa window ngg store sabay biglang naririnig namin yung tunog sabay big langnaususan ng clothes yung isa para kunwari naghahanap sya ng clothes tas para hindi rin masyaffo rining. tas buglang nakita nya kami on the other end. sabay nahiya sya. tas sabi ko nahh its okay it okay. tas nag apir kaming dalawa nii yang nasa gitna tas ewan ko naapiran ko ata yung pinangmasturbate nya. eh yung ,ga nagmmaster bate na yon, physicali disabled. taslumabas na tayo. tas biglang may nakita tayong chair. sa nung nalampasan na natin, yung perspsective sa harap, iba. wala syang ibang legs ng chair. tas may nakalagay its not what u see ata basta promoting disbled persons. tas may mga nakkita tayong ibang kakilala sa mal l ganan tas nakita natin teammates ko. tas biglang sabi ko,omg si teammate ko nasa likod tas sabi mo naman yiee jk tas biglang hinold hands mo ko.. naghold hands tayo. tas biglang nagkkwentuhan tayo ‘sakanya’, tas sabi ko ayaw kanonkasam/makita eh tas biglang natigilan ka. sabay biglang ur crrying na. tas saabi mo kanino ko nalaman. sabi ko narinig ko sakanya nung near by ako sakanya tas narinig ko. tas biglang umiiyak ka na. sabi mo ayaw mo na talga. ayaw mona. kahit ano pa yung nangyayari ‘sakanya’, nakikitulog pa ‘sya’ sa bahay nyo tas kahit ewan mo kung ano ppinagdaadaanan ‘nya’, sabi mo wala na ikaw pae. tas lumuluha kana. tas nasa mall din ‘sya’ nun ehh. tas bigla mo kong hinold hands, ayaw mo na akong bitawan tas lumalayo tayo kung nasan banda ‘sya’. tas hanggang malapit na tayo sa moa eye. tas biglang bumili ka ng 2 tickets tas tumatakbo tayo. tas nung papunta na tayo don, dumaan muna tayo sa baggage ata .tas iniwan mga gamit.the whole time cinocomfort kita. tas iniwan natin gamit natin .tas sabi nung mga nandon, puno pa daw yung moa eyel tas sabi natin sige nect nalang tayo, mamaya nalang. tas ayon, bumalik tayo tas close pala kayo nung tao don, tinanong kanung babae kung kumain na daw tayo. eh hindi pa tayo non kumakain. sabi mo hindi pa. tas inalok tayo ng pagkain. pputo mangga. tas inalok ako nung lalaki, ung tatay ata don, tas gata yung sawsawan. --------

sabay ang higpit ng hawak mo sakin, sa kamay ko. natuwa ako kasi hindi mo naman ako ginaganon pero kasi naisip ko, ayaw mo na ‘sakanya’ dahil sa nalaman mo, so pumupunta ka sakin, kasi ako nalang yung meron ka. ampangit din kasi non in some way. tas binibigay mo na sakin yung phone mo. pinapahawak mo na sakin. hindi mo naman yon ginagawa'

ataw mo na, kahit may pinagdadaanan sya sabi mo, ataw mona, sobra na, tatanggalin mo na lahat ng bagay nya sa baahy nyo.

OMG MAYKINISS ‘SYA’, NATANDAAN KO NA. NAKITA NATIN ‘SYA’ TAS NAKITA KO NAMAY KINISS SYA SABI KO, OMG NAKITA MO YON? SABI MO HINDI. TAS SABI KO MAY KINISS ‘SYA’. SABI MO, SINO? YUNG GIRL, SABI KO. TAS KISS TALAGA SA LIPS. TAS BIGLA KANG LUMUHA NA. NASAKTAN KA. ALAM KO NASAKTAN KANON. KITANG KITA SA MUKHA MO. TAS TUMAKBO TAYO, HAWAK MO AKO. SABI MO AYAW MO NA ‘SAKANYA’. TAS PINUNTA MO AKO SA MOA EYE, HINDI KO ALAM KUNG PARA HALIKAN AKO AT MAKAGANTI SAKANYA O PARA MAKALAYO, EWAN KO. PERO NAFEEL KO NAGAMIT LANG AKO. WALA NA KASI ‘SYA’, KAYA PARANG AKO KAPALIT NYA. RESERBA MO ATA AKO NON EH.

---2/13/15

#raw piece #dreams #dream #dream journal

and then nasa cavite tayo, event place. tas mga friends ko, hs. and then taga ceu mendiola. isang friend mo, tass mga kasama nyang classmates. sinurprise ka. daming baloon tas pink and silver. tas nahiya ako kasi wala man lang akong surprise sayo tas sya, grabe. patang sya ung gf mo. may curtain pa, tass gift. andami talagang balook and pink lahat.

---1/30/15

#raw piece #dream #dreams #dream journal

you and the team were here in my house. There was a celebration. It was so complicated. I cant move freely. WE cant move freely. Every time I move close to you, my team gets angry and makes ridiculous faces, whispering shit about us.

They were on my other bed, and you were alone in my bed. While entertaining other guests, I cant bare to look at you alone, and sad at the side. I left whatever I was doing and went to you. I laid next to you as i heard my friends whispering things. But I dont care. I dont care anymore. I dont care whatever they want to think or say. I then cuddled you. As we lay next to each other, you murmurred something. "Im sorry." You were starting to tear, " I'm sorry, they see you differently now, because of me. Im sorry..." I comforted you as you eyes pour tears. "Its okay.", I said. "It's okay, I dont care. I dont care what the hell they think. I love you."

--- 1/30/15

#dream #dream journal #mirage

PERO WAIT BIRTHDAY MO PADIIIIIIIIIIN!! HAPPY 18TH BABE!! You survived another year. Meron pang 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. Basta madami pang mga susunod :)) Pwede ka na ding makulong omg hahahaha. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABE. AS IN. SAGAD. Hahahaha. Lagi mo yan tatandaan ah. I just want to say... In some ways you make me a better person. And maybe a little crazy din haha. Ive discovered how much i can love because of you. And until now, it still surprises me. Kase it doesnt seem like me, but it does now. Anyway.. Honestly, i dont know. di namam talaga ako nagseseryoso pero ikaw lang talaga sineryoso ko. Everythings a first when it comes to you (so im so sorry when sometimes i fuck up) I think theres just something in you. And i thank God for a Tracy Anne in my life. Thank you lord grabe. Kahit minsan ang hirap mo, di ko alam kung ano nangyayare sayo, di mo masabi sakin, di kita magets kahit gusto ko igets na mababaliw na ko kakaisip sa isip mo, okay lang. I'll still love you with all of my heart :) What im trying to say is that, your important. And youre an AMAZING person. Swear! Maybe others cant see it but youre so brave and full of kindness with a dash of the opposite and something more. And i sooo admire you for that. I love you for that. I love you for who you are. Anyway so much for drama, i just want you to be happy, today tomorrow and every day of your life. Specially In every thing you do and im always here to help you be happy and be happy with you. Pwede ding i can be sad with you, laugh with you, cry with you, crave food with you, kahit do nothing basta with you hahaaha. i also wish the best for you babe. God wow I want to do so many things with you. We'll go to batanes and cebu and even new york! Nakakaexcite! Hahaa. Tupadin natin dream mo. I just wish and hope that im still beside you when you reach your success. And i want to. Kase i know that'll make you really really happy. I want to see your smile when that time comes. Ughh theres so much more to sayyy!! Aabutin nga lang ako ng sunrise :( hahaha. Basta, happy happy happy birthday, i love you, ill always do. Be happy in every way. Learn to see the good in the bad. Youre awesome babe. Ewan ko kung maniniwala ka sa pinagsasabi ko, pero maniwala ka kase totoo to :))

you said you'll go out with your friends. i know that she will be there. but i still let you. and then you texted me, you said you wont go home in weeks. of course i cant let you go, what kind of hang out is that. so i went to your friends' place. and i surprised you. fortunately, you were happy about that. the place was big. lots of rooms. you had a lot of friends too. you dragged me along and introduced me to them. almost everyone was sleeping. while you were introducing me to some of your friends, i was thinking of you ex mutual somewhere there. i saw her. we were walking along the hallway and i turned my head to the side, i saw her but she hid from my sight. we went into the room where she was. but she walked away. soon enough, we were finally introduced to each other. i was really hoping we could be friends. she was relaxing on the couch. i told you to introduce me to her. but you didnt acknowledged me. so i introduced myself. she irritably looked at me while i was approaching her. i reached my hand out and said my name. that was a moment of awkwardness to some but it was a moment of hope for me. hope to become friends with her. after a few seconds, she hesitatingly reached out hers. and so i grabbed her hand and smiled. but she couldnt hold it inside anymore. she burst out of tears and finally accepted that you and i were together. we both leaned in and comforted her. during the rest of your stay there, we were completely free to move and show our love for each other without someone to worry about, without someone hurting, without hiding. at least in my dreams, my wish came true.

#dream journal #dream #illusion #how i wish #far from possible #mirage

i can remember that we were in an RV. it was my little sister driving. you know, in real life she couldnt drive. i was a bit confused when i looked at the road. it was going backwards! my sister was driving the rv backwards. i immediately told her that i will be the one driving. so i took her place and continued to drive backwards but i manueveered the RV to go the right way. but it couldnt move. it can only be done by backward driving. but as i was ongoing. the RV overheated. so we had to walk. it was o weird, walking was such an effort. it was like climbing a steep mountain. it was like gravity was doubled. It was getting dark and still we managed to get a place to rest. it was a nice apartment owned by the boyfriend of my friend. my friends and i went out and continued to go somewhere i dont know. we just kept on walking, climbing, with no definite destination. until i reached the top. it was the top of a mountain. the view was overlooking the rest of the village. on the side was the forest and the other part was just the bodies of water. it was breathtaking. my friends followed and enjoyed the view as well.

#dream journal #journal #illusion #not real #weird #dream #mirage

We were going home. I was with my friend. I can feel the tension, well at least for me. i couldnt take the stress so i put it out through a cigarette. just after i lit one up, she asked me, "Did she spent the night at your place?" I know i have to be careful on everything i will say to her, there was so much scenarios playing at my head. Nervously i said, "Who?". She looked at me with confusion, "My girlfriend." It was so hard not to tell the truth when you can see your friend in pain. It was so difficult for me to shut up when i know something-- something i promised i wont say. "Ah, yeah she did." My friend felt it, i know she did, she frankly asked me, "They were together yesterday, right? Tell me. The truth." There was no point in lying, so i took a deep breath and told the truth, "Yeah.." I felt it. I felt her heart breaking into pieces. This isnt the first time. but seeing more of it, breaks my heart too. She looked away from me, tears dropping. The pain was too much. She gripped the steering wheel, screamed and stared hitting it. I couldnt do anything but be there. I looked at my hands and the cigarette was almost finished.

#dream journal #dream #part illusion #illusion #mirage

everyone was leaving where i was sitting. they were going to the other hut. i felt alone, so i went too. as i entered, it got me. you were there, along with your friend. you were closely sitting beside her. at first, i didnt mind. you were not talking i thought you'll explain why she was there with you. and why with her and not with me. I gave you time, but then, she was playing your finger tips. flirty way, of course. [it was not real but i felt real pain. my heart couldnt bear it. my tears are flowing, dropping as i write these words.] i thought it was me. i thought it was just me. i looked at you, i looked at you with hurt and confusion. but you didnt do anything. you didnt say anything. you just gave me a blank stare. i looked away with disappointment. then you hugged her, pulled her close. it was a slap to my face. i was goddamn there. why the fuck were you doing that. [it was a like dagger through my heart, twisted so it wouldnt heal.] you even let her lay on your lap. then you caress her hair while looking deeply at her eyes.. when in fact that shouldve been me. i couldnt breathe that moment, i couldnt watch you with her. grasping my breath at the other nipa hut, i couldnt believe what just happened. what just happened? i thought it was me, it was me you love. i thought it was just me. i knew i had to confront you. and i knew i had enough pain, but look at the stupid whos writing these words. so, i went back. you were still together, playing activities at the beach, sharing stories with my friends. surprisingly, even my own friends dont want me to join whatever things you both were doing. its like even my friends, she won them over. like you.

this was a dream i had several hours ago. i really looked like an idiot crying at something that didnt actually happen. its hard but never confuse dreams with reality.

#dream journal #dreams #reality #dream #illusion #mirage #not real

They were watching the sky together.It was the peak of geminid meteor shower. They were talking and laughing together. Giggled at the end, their eyes met each other. She was hesitant at first so she looked down, but thought otherwise. So she looked up again and finally dug in, put her hands behind his neck and leaned into his lips. They locked lips and slowly, she let go of his. Only several centimeters away between their lips, she smiled and said “i love you… so much”. He was speechless and just looking down. She can feel his heartbeat going. She put her mouth near his right ear and said "I'm sorry if it seemed like I wasn't there for you everyday, but tonight, I'm here.” She backed a little away and put her both hands on his cheeks. She stared deeply into his eyes, said "I'm here for you, and only for you." They finally met each other's eyes again. As she kissed his forehead, he closed his eyes and opened it as her lips left him. He didn't say anything. They continued to watch the sky together, she took his hand with care on both hands, kissed it as she was protecting it. And then they let the night fall as their heart for each other.

#not real #just a mirage #mirage #illusion #random

There will always be a story in every captured moment. And I love you still.

1 See that little spoon? Probably the happiest moment with you. See that little spoon? I didn’t know i could sneak that out of the restaurant for you until i did. It was a good rush. I’m still thankful that you stayed the night. I love you. 2 I should’ve held your hand. It was all unexpected. I’m still thankful you went with me, given the short notice. Finally, you met some of my friends. While we were watching the lights together, oh gosh, i think that was my first ever regret in love. I should’ve held your hand. I know I should’ve. It felt so right. How I wish i can do it again. Someday, next time. I’ll do it right. I love you. 3 I should’ve kissed you goodnight. If you’re wondering, that was my view when you had your first sleepover in my house with our other friends. I slept on the floor and we stayed up until 4 am just throwing a blanket at each other. Sorry, i just dont want you to be cold. We were just so silly that night. I should’ve kissed you goodnight when i had the chance. Now every time I’m awake at 4 am, I can’t help but think of you. I love you. 4 I didn’t gave it to you because you said it does not look like it. I told you i can do it! Well, almost. Doesn’t it look like a full moon? I think so haha. I didn’t gave it to you because you said it does not look like it. It’s still here with me though. But hey, I tried okay? Lol. I love you still. 5 You’re always on my thoughts and i couldn’t help but think of what you said. I remember you always wanted to see ‘why’ vadals on the streets. You’re always on my thoughts and i couldn’t help but think of what you said. So, i drew one on my notebook. Nothing much. I just thought you liked it. I know it’s not perfect but i tried. For you. I love you. 6 I doesn’t hurt now but still saddens me. Ah. That picture. It doesnt hurt now but still saddens me. I miss you so much that day. I couldn’t get enough of you. I wanted to surprise you outside your classroom but i didnt know where it was. And so I asked your friend. She gave me the room and so i went. Only to find out that it was an office and not a classroom. Soon enough you and your friend told me that there’s no professor and you left. I was just standing there, looking stupid with something prepared for you. Nevertheless, I love you still. Really. 7 I got you on every sign in and sign out. We were so bored that time. We were just killing time. I think i’ve already perfected your signature. How I wish i could say i got you on every sign in and sign out, but i guess i can’t now. That makes me miss you even more, every single day that passes. Never forget that I love you. 8 The letters and unsaid things. If only you knew how i managed the happiness, the pain and everything in between. It’s all in here. It goes all in here. These are my letters and unsaid things about you. Whenever my mind wanders, it always go to you. I’ve always wanted to write when I’m alone. But then, maybe I shouldn’t be left alone. My mind is a very tricky thing, you know. But but but, all in here really doesn’t matter because I love you still. 9 Let’s collect more. You never recieved this letter, if you are wondering. I wrote it in the library when I was with my favorite couple. I was suppose to give it to you, along with the ticket from the movie we watched, but you entered and nearly saw the letter i was making. So, i just gave you the ticket without the letter. I remember you were rushing with your friends. I didnt even had the chance to talk to you that time. I just said take care and i love you, in my mind. Let’s collect more and let me say it to you well the words, take care and I love you. 10 “This is not the right time to answer you.” Of course, you didn’t think I would come and ask you to be my girlfriend unprepared, right? Haha. I kind of felt rejected at some point but to be honest, in the long run, I’m thankful that you gave me that answer. Maybe it’s for the better. You made me realize that maybe I was going too fast. Maybe I, too, was not ready yet. Maybe I was just scared of losing you to another person. Maybe I was just asking in the spur of the moment. In time, I will ask you again. Yet, maybe our love doesnt require any labels. As long as we continue to give our pure and whole love and trust to each other and no one else, that we never stop to understand and make things work, it is more than a label. it is more than to be called as a couple. We have us. You will constantly have me, only me, as i hoped i will to you. I love you and I will always love you. Always.

For each visualized picture i’ve written here are all excerpts from a part that i’ve finished. I removed the true pictures i previously attached, so that one can have a grasp of the moment from the memory i have provided. This is quite tricky for the one reading because your brain might tweak some of the details based from what happened, what you wanted to happen and what you think shouldve happened. Nonetheless, this is for the woman i am so deeply in love with. I have planned to post this long before, but didn’t have the time. I just want you to know that from every memory we’ve created, there’s no single moment that i have stopped loving you. For the past year, i have continued to love you and accepted whatever things might come my way in loving you. And I will never get tired of saying I love you. And know that i will, always.

#wow #how many i love yous are in there #but really #i do

HER

She'll hate me when I love her And we'll fight like this forever But she's a dream and she's mine A spectrum of beauty and light

#i love you #i love you so much #as in #i so love you #babe #in technicolor #jesse mccartney

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