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feeling like: a flower that has been stepped on multiple times

bitchontheprairie

so often i worry that i will lose my softness for there is so much in this world that fills me with rage

I’m not 21 anymore. Just an update.

2017 Oppo PBA Commissioner’s Cup (04/22/17)

Star Hotshots vs Blackwater Elite

San Miguel Beermen vs Rain or Shine Elasto Painters

On April 20 (Thursday), kuya, Layne, and Jenny woke me up at 2:30 am and surprised me with 5 VIP tickets to watch San Miguel Beermen play on Saturday!!! I didn’t fall asleep until 5:30 am, and I was so excited that I made banners and my fans of my favorite players (Marcio Lassiter, Chris Ross, Charles Rhodes, Arwind Santos, and Alex Cabagnot).

On April 22, we left at 12:30, met Layne’s iPhone 6s seller to get her phone, and then went to MOA Arena. I was wearing a black dress, black tights, a red flannel, and my boots. Upon entering, we found out that I couldn’t bring my banner inside :(

G1: Di po yan pwede dalhin sa loob.

Me: Pinaghirapan ko pa naman ‘to :(((

G1: Sayang, parehas pa naman tayo ng team!

G2: Bakit 5-0 nakalagay?

Me: Kasi alam kong mananalo sila ngayon :)) (and I shared some laughs with the guards even if I was a bit heartbroken that I couldn’t bring my banner with me)

They told me to just claim the banner later, and then we bought some drinks from Starbucks before entering. I didn’t realize that we will be sitting right beside the players and in front of the ring!

The first game was Hotshots vs Blackwater and I got my pictures with Jio Jalalon and Rodney Brondial (note: mama went to Rodney’s seat and the bouncer tried to stop her HAHA)!

(update on April 24, morning) I tagged Jio Jalalon on IG when I posted this and he untagged himself from the photo :((( And when I looked at his tagged photos, he didn’t untag himself from the other fans’ photos with him. :/

I also saw Roi Sumang because Blackwater sat beside us. And Layne and I cheered for Star still, while Jenny and mama cheered for Blackwater out of respect which I totally understand, I just like Star Hotshots’ players better. What I didn’t like was how Allein Maliksi played dirty, and I kind of idolized him less because of that. It was so fun because the camera man suddenly came in front of us and shot a video of us during the timeout and then he left saying “mamaya na lang” and he came back again pero nahiya na ko. Haha. And then when the cheerleaders came out and gave out shirts, mama asked for one but the guy that accompanied the girls shook his hand, signaling that they had none left. When they went and gave out shirts again, the guy nonchalantly threw a blue shirt my way. And all but one of the shirts that they gave away were white shirts so it definitely made me feel special ♥

During the break before the second half, Layne, Jenny, and I decided to go to the restroom, and when we got back, we saw Junemar Fajardo heading to the dressing room/backstage. We quickly asked to have a picture with him :)

So, Star Hotshots won by only a few points. And after the game, we asked to have pictures with KG Canaleta (even though I was cheering for the other team, he was a really great player!) and Mike Di Gregorio (he was also a great player but I think he’s new. He liked my post on IG, and commented on mama’s post :))

I WAS SOOOO HAPPY TO FIND OUT THAT SMB WILL BE SITTING ON OUR SIDE!! And when they came out, I immediately moved to take pictures while waiting for Marcio. I didn’t see him, and was so disappointed only to learn that while I was taking a selfie with the players, he LOOKED AT ME! (as told by Jenny and Layne) and they thought I took a selfie with him, but I either moved too early or too late to see it! Anyway, I brought my sticks up and cheered for the guys, and I saw Marcio look at me 3 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And then Layne saw him look at me another time but I wasn’t holding my stick up and was talking to Jenny. Huhuhuhu. But I was just so happy that he noticed me. It was a smart move that I had my stick of their faces with me ♥ Afterwards, when Junemar was dribbling in front of us, I put up my stick with his face on it and Layne and I cheered him on, he LOOKED UP, SAW THE STICK, AND SMILED!!!! I was so happy that I made THEM happy with those sticks. ♥♥♥

I saw the other players at the bench look at me as I cheered, I hope that I didn’t distract them too much, but I just really wanted to support them! Also, during the timeouts, a different camera man saw me with these sticks and he did a double take, I smiled sheepishly (being a tiny bit embarrassed), and he pointed the camera at me. Hahahaha. Too bad no one was able to take a video or a picture of us live, because they cut the timeouts and halftimes from their Youtube videos when we re-watched it :(

During the halftime period, some players went to practice for a bit, and then Marcio went out of the backstage and lingered by the benches for a while. I took this as my cue to approach him and ask for a picture.

Me: Can I please take a picture with you?

He nodded and we snapped a picture, and then Jenny tells him that it WAS MY BIRTHDAY and he greets me a “Happy Birthday” with a small smile on his face. So this was probably a something that he normally does, but I was sooo kilig. And to know that it was only ME who had the opportunity to ask him for a picture made me more kilig than ever!!!

I cannot stop myself from smiling and reminiscing this moment!!!! My day was complete. After that, we saw Arwind beside our seats, and he was taking pictures with the fans from the patron seats, so I went and ask him for a picture as well, and he agreed :)

During the 2nd half, we just cheered them on, saying “you’re doing great, Rhodes!!” and “okay lang yan!” whenever Junemar or Gabby Espinas missed a freethrow. I want to reassure them as much as possible and just cheer them on. I was of course cheering louder for Marcio, but I was trying to be discrete about it so that I wouldn’t come off weirder than I already was. My team won against the Rain or Shine Elasto Painters, and Marcio was able to shoot a 3-pointer right at the last second!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so happy, kunwari para sakin yun- birthday ko naman e! Norwood felt disrespected, but I understand why Marcio did it- they had to get great scores!

Final Score: SMB 111 - 98 ROS

Charles Rhodes: 26 Pts, 6 Rebs, 2 Asts, 1 Blk. Gabby Espinas: 15 Pts, 8 Rebs, 4 Asts, 2 Stls. Arwind Santos: 13 Pts, 2 Rebs, 2 Asts Alex Cabagnot: 14 Pts, 8 Rebs, 7 Asts, 2 Stls. (5-11 FG, 3-5 3pt) JunMar Fajardo: 14 Pts, 8 Rebs, 1 Ast. Marcio Lassiter: 12 Pts, 3 Rebs, 2 Asts, 2 Stls, 1 Blk. (2-6 3pt) Chris Ross: 10 Pts, 6 Rebs, 5 Asts, 2 Stls, 1 Blk. Yancy De Ocampo: 5 Pts, 3 Rebs, 2 Asts. Brian Heruela: 2 Pts, 2 Asts

Today on April 24, we found out that RR Garcia will be traded off with TNT’s Matt Ganuelas-Rosser. I was happy to see him play for the last time, even if it was for only a few minutes.

After the game, all the players except for Rhodes, Ross, and Espinas quickly left the court, so I was able to ask the three guys to take a picture with me, thanks to my VIP pass. Hehe. Rhodes was extremely kind (he walked off of the court once because he was being called out by a lady referee, but he was really nice), Ross was so accommodating and went to the other side of the court to take pictures with his fans (the bouncer escorted him, but when he went our way, he still agreed to take a picture with us ♥), and same with Espinas- a bouncer was escorting him already but he still agreed to take a picture with me (even if mama was recording a video and had to do it all over again hehe). This was definitely the BEST GIFT I HAVE EVER RECEIVED AND IT IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing I did notice was that Alex Cabagnot isn’t really as approachable as i thought he would be. He was one of the first guys to come out and practice, and when I tried to take a picture with him, he acted as if he didn’t hear me. :( His fans would call his name, and he wouldn’t even look or smile at them. It was really sad because he’s a very smiley guy, but then he wouldn’t even spare us a glance or a tiny smile. But giving him the benefit of the doubt, he could just be very concentrated on his game and just wanted to focus. I’m just happy that Super Marcio and the Kraken noticed me because they’re my favorite players! :) Also, I made friends with the father and son that sat beside me HAHA. And I was able to see James Yan, Jeff Chan, and Chris Tiu play for the Rain or Shine Elasto Painters! James was really good. :)

That’s my thumb HAHA

I’m grateful that I experienced my first PBA experience the way that I did. It was truly and honestly the best birthday ever! And I surely want to watch more of their games in the future- lalo na kung sa VIP ulit uupo! Marcio Lassiter and Junemar Fajardo, and the rest of the SMB team may not remember me, but I will forever and always remember their passion, their appreciation, and their kindness. :)

Hong Kong (June 20-23, 2016)

I can’t believe that it’s almost been a year. I don’t want it to be a year just yet, I want the memories to be so vivid that it feels like it just happened a week ago. It was my first to travel outside of the country, and oh how I want to do it again and again. I want to learn about people, their culture, their food... All these landmarks... All these places that people create memories in. I only wish to be motivated enough to finally find a job and earn so much money that I can get to travel as much as I want. With that being said, here is my Hong Kong experience.

After my graduation and after Kuya finally finished his thesis, papa was happy enough to take is to Hong Kong. He paid for kuya, Layne, mama’s, and my airplane ticket, Disney ticket, and accommodations ticket. On that day, uncle Jay was home from Australia. It’s so weird to think, because uncle Jay went home last Christmas, and it just shows that this HK trip happened months and months ago. Anyway, uncle Jay was home and uncle Alvin and his kids were at home that day. Uncle Alvin is going to be driving us to the airport at... I can’t even remember, I think 1 in the morning. I didn’t get to sleep at all! We were so early that we lounged around and ate some snacks for a few hours. It was so weird! My last plane ride was during my 3rd year in High School, but our Cathay Pacific plane ride now was so much better, and so much comfortable. I sat beside mama, and I started taking videos of our experience then. Cathay had all the best music: from Charlie Puth to Demi Lovato! And also, I used the lavatory because papa told us to. Haha. So with zero sleep, I felt like I was floating by. We rode some sort of a train, rented a pocket WiFi, and looked for our travel agency guide, Randy. We were grouped with fellow Filipinos and a lot of Arab people. We were dropped of at our hotel- Rambler Garden Hotel, and mama talked to some Filipino people that already went to Hong Kong before. We waited SOOOO long to be checked in, that we roamed around at the basement level of the hotel to see a 7-11 store, the Park n Shop grocery, We were supposed to go with them to Madaam Tussauds, and ride with them at the shuffle that the hotel provided, but we left our room too late. We decided to buy some snacks at 7-11, and then we rode a taxi (100 HK dollars for a 20-minute ride) to Tsim Sha Tsui.

On our first day, we just roamed around and promised to return here on our free day. We bought some food at McDonald’s, yes! And then went back to the hotel- we had two rooms and Layne and I shared rooms, while kuya and mama shared another one. Since they get to keep the pocket WiFi, we stayed at their room up until before we slept.

The next day was a fun day! We went with a Filipino group to tour Victoria’s Harbour, a jewelry shop in Hong Kong- where a Filipino guy who speaks a different language would always hover around me!, a souvenir store (I think they tricked us because the food were really expensive there, but I got Carlos’ dad the Hopia that he liked, and the mirrors I bought were 4 for 100, when the store at our hotel sold mirrors for 7 for 100!!! I only found out about that later that night), and to this boat place- that mama decided we ride even if we spent 60 HK dollars per person and it was a short boat ride. It was still a good experience though! And, while showing us around, Randy made me stand up at the bus, and he called me beautiful, “ a future beauty queen”! Haha! I made sure that Carlos knows that. The best part was when we went to Hong Kong Ocean Park. Only 3 groups of people went there, alongside a Filipino couple who we got to talk to. :) Ocean Park was loads of fun. We ate lunch even if the the food was expensive, at one of the stalls there. We road the cable car- and we were ALL scared, especially kuya. And we saw so many animals!!! The penguins and the pandas were the cutest of all. We weren’t able to watch the sea lion show though, but the sharks and the jellyfishes were really pretty. There were a lot of rides, too, but we didn’t ride any because we easily get dizzy. This was a really beautiful place, although it was very tiring because we walked around the entire day! At nighttime, we went to Park n Shop and 7-11 to buy some more snacks! A 24-pc Ferrero pack was on sale for only 60 dollars at 7-11 so we loaded up on that, I bought 2. Layne bought 2. Mama bought 2. And kuya bought 3!!!

On our third day, we went to Hong Kong Disneyland for the entire day!!! It was so hot there! Mama bought a cap for herself, but it was so hot that I was getting grumpy, so she bought one, too. We took pictures a lot and tried to look for places that had air conditioners on- like the shops, where mama almost had a fight with a Chinese woman who cut to the front of the line, and the Lion King show (which was really beautiful!). Before that, we had lunch at the rocketship/spaceship-themed restaurant, and I ordered a two-piece chicken with rice. It wasn’t that good, but it was really expensive! We also went to take pictures with the Disney characters- we spent the entire day waiting in line for picture- I got a bad sunburn because the shirt was really tight! But we got to take pictures with Donald Duck, Zootopia characters, Sofia the First, and Mickey and Minnie. We got badly sun burnt for the Mickey and Minnie line because it was soooo long! For the Zootopia characters, we were originally in line for Chip and Dale, but the couple before us, the guy to be exact, decided to punch one of the mascots!!! The couple quickly left the scene and guards were suddenly all over the place looking for them. Anyway, we saw Pluto, Goofy, and Elsa, but didn’t get to take pictures with them. My dream was to meet the handsome Flynn Rider, but we never saw them. The Disney princesses, aside from Elsa, weren’t around the time that we visited. We joined the afternoon parade, and I felt like a Disney character being one of the people at the front. Lol. And then we had some overpriced snacks at the Disney Bakery- I had a chocolate croissant with crushed pistachios. We bought several drinks throughout the day, too, because it was extremely hot. I noticed my sun burn in the afternoon, and decided to change into a different, more loose shirt. It was a green sequins top that reminds me of the Little Mermaid. We walked around the entire day- and no, no rides yet again. (I will definitely try and ride some rides the next time, THERE IS A NEXT TIME, I go there). We watched the Disney Paint the Night parade at around 7:30, and mama again almost fought with an old woman that tried to steal our spots while waiting for the fireworks show. We then watched the Disney in the Stars fireworks show, and I greeted Carlos an early birthday in one of the videos I shot. I kept on sending him videos of the fireworks. By the way, the internet connection in Ocean Park and Disneyland was soooo fast! When it came to an end by 9 PM, we half heartedly went home. It was tiring, but I really enjoyed it. We were sooooo tired, but we still went down to buy snacks at Park n Shop. We bought these really delicious cherries, and a lot of different candies and snacks (Almond Roca for 2 for 10, Kinder, Snickers, and this mentos/chupa chups 40 pcs pack for only 11 dollars). I also bought these Oreo wafers at 7-11 for only 11 dollars! We ate at Cafe de Coral at the basement floor of the hotel that night. We were supposed to keep the WiFi that night because tomorrow was Carlos’ birthday and I wanted to greet him on midnight, but it turns out that we used up all of our 5 GB data. So Layne and kuya accompanied me to the lobby, so I can greet Carlos via Facetime. Hehe. That night also, Layne and I realized that the cleaners took our towels, so I had to call to get some towels, and panicked because we thought that we would be asked to pay for it- it was 100-200 dollars per towel! Fortunately, we weren’t asked to pay.

Our last day was sad! First of all, I realized how dark I got! I hated my pictures with my black jacket on, because I was so dark!!! We returned to Tsim Sha Tsui after checking out at the hotel - we left our luggage there as well. We had lunch at KFC, it was soooo good, and the line was sooo long. We walked around a lot to look for kuya’s shoes, but he didn’t buy any. We looked at Giordano and another store, and the clothes were so inexpensive, because they had a sale around this time of the year- plus 10% discount on your birthday month and it was kuya’s birthday month. HAHA. So they bought a lot, and I bought Carlos a 60-dollar hat from Giordano! So we returned to look at the malls- we bought pasalubong face masks from one of the stores along the strip, and we went to H&M!!! nd we went inside a mall where Kuya bought a G-Shock watch.We returned to H&M and again, it was so inexpensive! Layne bought 2 shoes, and because I was a cheap girl, I only bought one boots- but it’ the best and it’s my favorite!, for 150 HK dollars. I bought a couple shirt for Carlos and I, too, for 60 HK dollars. We were getting late, and taxi drivers won’t stop for us- they don’t like tourists, mama panicked. We eventually had to ride a taxi cab that made us pay 200 dollars for the short trip- he was very rude. We arrived on time. Got to the airport, said goodbye to our WiFi, ate dinner at Cafe de Coral one last time because we still had coupons (coupons are from the travel agency) and walked around. We bought some Starbucks and a couple of Big Macs from McDonalds, before boarding at around 9 pm. Mama and Layne slept the entire ride, but I chose to watch Zootopia. Hehe. Note: We sat at the middle seat next to a Pinay this time, and kuya sat across us. This is where our trip ends. The best days and most memorable trip of my life so far. :) Uncle Jay and Uncle Alvin met us at the airport, and we were all so sleepy, I zonked out immediately.

Hong Kong is such a beautiful and clean place, I would definitely want to return here someday soon! There were a lot of rude Chinese people, but I guess that comes with territory. Again, I love the place and the food and the culture that I got to experience here, and I hope to never forget all that has happened while I was here.

Link to my video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8_DfFr1gMY

COLLEGE

I guess it’s true, college really is one of the best things that can happen to someone. Like the scared highschool senior I was, I was petrified by the thought of stepping into the “real” world, not realizing that there is a “realer” world beyond that. I guess, it’s because I let myself stay in this tiny bubble wherein I wake up, ride my school bus and travel 10 minutes to school, attend my classes, talk to the same friends I’ve had in 13 years, ride my school bus home, do homework, and sleep, that I forgot about the world moving forward around me. I loved my life, I loved my friends, and I loved that routine that was never tampered or changed for as long as I could remember. And then, graduation came. I did UPCAT, and took entrance exams in DLSU Taft and DLSU-D, but my mom accompanied me the whole time. I failed UPCAT. I failed and re-took my exam at Taft, and passed. I passed DLSU-D, and was put on the waiting list for AB Communication (side note: I didn’t know what course I wanted, my mom told me to pick AB Communication because I was good in english, so I did... not really knowing what my job would be in the future). So, I chose DLSU-D over Taft, because my brother studies at the same university, and I felt like it was closer to my province (the commute was the same, but the culture and the people were very different). During orientation, I would travel with my high school friends, K-jell, Thad, and Nomar. Then I met Payii and Ekang. I loved meeting new people. I was shy, but I knew that everyone else was new, too, so I talked to as much people as I can. I took with me, my friendly nature- I hugged people I just met! I also had to learn how to commute, which was not an easy task. I would always look for landmarks, that I was unaware of the people sitting next to me. I got robbed and I got harassed, and it made me paranoid, but also, it helped me become alert. Anyway, being that this all happened four years ago, I just remember being really friendly to my blockmates and to the people around me. I got to go to different places to shoot and do projects, I got to visit and sleep over at my blockmates’ houses. The first year of my college life was all about experiencing new things. Then come my second year in college... Our school tried out the open sectioning system on us- we got to choose our own schedules, and it led me to meet MORE new people. It also led me to meet Carlos, because we were batchmates and took three subjects together that semester. Before Carlos, I talked to a lot of guys: Ren Ren, Otep, Brenzon, JV, Jhesu... and before Carlos, I really liked a friend of mine. But when he came along, I never really expected to like him as much as I did, that a lot of things has changed. I guess, I became more insecure in a way, because my course didn’t have a lot of guys, and I had one of the few guys with me. He isn’t handsome, but he has a great personality, and was really easy to talk to. But anyways, I began writing more and learning about scripts and photoshoots and shootings. I enjoyed productions the best. Gathering around with my groupmates, brainstorming ideas for a story, taking responsibilities, sleeping over, cooking together, FILMING. The best part of my college life was filming with my friends because those memories are irreplaceable. We joined competitions and studied really hard and I struggled with my thesis and internships. I cried about boys and I cried about my thesis. I cried about the thought of not being able to graduate on time. I became pessimistic and I guess lost the strong friendship with my blockmates because of the open sectioning system, too. It was bittersweet. But I loved every bit of it. I loved traveling, learning, filming, studying, sleeping over, gaining friends. I loved it as much as I loved my highschool years, that I didn’t want to let go. It was the best years of my life to date. When you graduate, you get stuck in a rut. You have no idea which path to take, especially being a communication graduate wherein there a broad list of fields to choose from. Months has passed and I’m still here, still holding on to memories, still afraid to take the next step forward. It’s hard being comfortable in the life you’ve gotten used to, because you just can’t seem to look past it. You get too attached to even the stressful parts of it. I wrote this, because I want to move forward, but I don’t know how. I don’t know where to start, and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to love the next chapter of my life as much as I loved the last one. But, I’ll never know unless I learn to let go and move forward.

Good girl

So, last Monday, my boyfriend came over and I showed him photos of me all throughout my childhood up to my college years. I was just trying to show him how cute I am, but what he said struck me. He told me that my childhood wasn’t fun because I never got to experience drinking and all of that. I was quite offended.

I have always believed that you don’t need alcohol to have fun. I won’t go and say that I haven’t tried it even once in my life, I have... If you considered tiny sips of wine during new year and one or two sips insy sips during friends’ birthday parties. But I know how to have fun, or at least my own idea of fun.

I liked going with different groups of friends in high school. I had my best friends, Lala and Innah. I had my close friends from a different group (Kezia, Vim Vim, Kjell, Jenikka, Marianne), I hung out a lot with guy friends (Diet, Gian, Nomar, Andrew, Thad), and I’m friends with the more popular group (Charis, Mariko, Mae..). What I’m saying is, I was friends with the entire batch. I hung out with them, the guys respected the girls in the group, and we had great fun.

In college, I met great friends as well. People who were really serious with their studies, but are all funny and fun to be with as well. To me, it was the right mix of everything. I had a lot of laughs, and I gained genuine and true friends. Our idea of fun was going on movie marathons, having sleepovers, playing board games, and just laughing about random things. During school parties, I still liked dancing crazily, and socializing with other people. I was friends with other groups of people as well, although I wasn’t able to join any organizations because of how far my home was to my school, I loved meeting new people, and I loved being different versions of myself whenever I encounter different people as well.

I don’t know where I’m going here. So, maybe I’m not a good girl in the sense of being a teacher’s pet or of getting 4.0 GPAs. But I don’t drink or go wild or party or do explicit things. I have nothing against people who consider those fun, because again, we all have our own definition of fun. Let’s respect that.

Grateful

Yes, I am! The past few months have been tough for me. With the pressure to graduate on time and problems with my internship and thesis. I was just about ready to give up. I remember crying almost every night, and just breaking down on Carlos because I was just so tired and frustrated and so, so depressed. But I did graduate. Not with flying colors, but with a deflated and lost soul. I spent the last few months after graduating as a way to relax and just not care about anything. At first, my plan was not to be reminded of my college life (although, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me, it was also one of the worst), which led to avoiding my friends whom I loved. I think it started there, because I started avoiding my family, too. And for petty reasons that I created, I would just get angry with my boyfriend (because I felt like he isn't trying enough for our relationship to last). I just wanted to avoid EVERYTHING. I was so lost. I just stayed in my room and entertained myself with Youtube and novels. There was a time wherein my brother and I had a fight. And I had no one, not even my own boyfriend, could or would understand me. And I cried myself to sleep, feeling so alone and depressed. The next day, my high school bestfriend, Innah, surprised me by visiting. I was so happy. I was just myself again; talking and laughing and just feeling so giddy. The next day, I stumbled upon a photo on Twitter about life verses, especially a life verse about being alone. I am never alone. God is always with me. I just prayed and something in me became a tiny bit better. Let's be realistic here, it isn't perfect, but it is better. I became motivated to talk to more people, and leave my room a bit more. I messaged my high school friends, and talked to my college friends again. And when I had to go to my lolo Vlad's 70th Birthday, I was reluctant to come because I would be going with my brother, and not with Layne. But something in me just told me to go. So, I did. And by going, the tension with my brother was released, and I got to bond more with my cousins kuya Chad and Iris, and I got to see Angelie, Angelo, Iñaki, Iñigo, Izzy, Ianna, and even Dani. It was so much fun, and I can't thank God enough for being there for me and making things right. I even got enough confidence to talk to kuya Chad and Iris about feeling lost with the field that I want to take in terms of working... Which led to opening about this fear with my college friend, Clarisse, as well. And even wanting to see them again! And then I got to see my boyfriend, and we properly bonded. Although, I really wanted to talk more personally and deeply with him, I know we have time. And again, I am extremely grateful to the Lord for giving me this opportunity to become better, to find the old me. I am still in this journey, but I feel excited (and nervous, of course) and I know that with a few more push, I will finally be able to find myself and be a better person! Always tell yourself, BE GRATEFUL. God is always with you. Repent, say sorry, say thank you, be appreciative of everything that is coming your way! And, you WILL be able to surpass any obstacle that comes your way!

CHILDHOOD and GRANDPARENTS

The best part of my life.

Scooters. Wiggles. Teletubbies. Powerpuff Girls. Macro. A huge part of my childhood were my grandparents. My Nono and my Nona who loved us dearly and gave me all of the best childhood memories. I guess we were spoiled badly by our Nono and Nona because we were their first and only grandchildren, and it’s hard to think of that without tearing up.

Going to Macro was a huge treat, if anything, because it was exclusive to older kids. I don’t even remember going in it, but it was were my grandparents bought our scooters and Wiggles. Right after going to Macro in our Owner-type jeep, we would go home and Nona would place the snacks on the far side of the kitchen where I would have to use a chair to climb up on and get my Wiggles. Then, I would go to the sala, sit right in front of the television, and watch Courage the Cowardly Dog, Power Puff Girls, and Dexter’s Laboratory. I would always sit right at the front because I want to be as close to the TV as possible.

In going to school, I will always remember clinging to my Nona who would take us to school in our tricycle service, and would wait for us until class ended, and that was why I love her so much... Because no one would truly love me as much as Nona loved her grandchildren. I had no friends, because during recess, I would go to Nona, who was with other mothers, at the abandoned Grade 2 class rooms, and I would sit on her lap, rub my feet on her rough black pants, and drink my dede. Remembering it breaks my heart, because I wish I appreciated her more. I remember asking Nona and Nono for coins so I could by a meringue at the tindahan downstairs. I remember being so thin because I hated eating and my Nona calling me “butiki”. I remember being such a fashionista and wearing matching clothes, jewelries, and bags, even when I was just at home. I remember wearing my swimsuits with my nice sandals, and have my Nona take my photos of me using our camera. I remember visiting my neighbors mama Lani and ate Lely, and eating peanut butter tinapay at mama Lani’s and just laughing with ate Lely. I remember going to the beach with sand-crusted cheese tinapay and thermos coffee. I also remember Mama, coming home from work at Security Bank, and reading the bible to me and Layne right before we go to bed.

My Nono died when I was 7 and it broke my Nona’s heart that it felt like she lost everything since then. During that time, my mama caught papa cheating on her and she filed for an annulment. After a few years, Nona was also diagnosed with cancer and her health rapidly deteriorated. It was a terrible time to be a kid. Being ignorant, I enjoyed not having Nona at school because I get to make my classmate buy me a Koolee and other junk foods at the canteen (I didn’t buy it myself because I was afraid that the mothers at school would tell on me). What a foolish child I was. When my Nona couldn’t speak anymore, she would write down for us to be good, but I wasn’t a good girl, and when my Nona left us when I was 9 years old, it broke my heart into tiny pieces. I didn’t cry in front of anyone, that I remember. What I remember was taking her clipboard and notes to my mama’s room, locking myself in there and crying my heart out while getting upset with her for not fulfilling her promises of doing things with me one last time.

Before cancer, I had the best childhood anyone could have ever given me. I rarely felt the presence of my father, but I had the best grandparents ever, and because of them, it was more than enough. I was perfectly fine with that life, until I had to grow up.

Why I decided to blog

As a kid, I have always enjoyed reading and writing. I have always been fascinated with letters and words, and the thought of being able to write down memories and keep them forever.

I remember keeping a diary back in first grade, and sharing what was inside of it with my grandmother and my neighbors. I remember trying to come up with stories in old, used notebooks but never really finishing one. I remember writing down all my favorite things so that I don’t forget it. Writing down my thoughts have been a way for me to remember who I was back then, and it will help me remember who I am now.

Writing down my stories and my thoughts, and even if they are mediocre, it will always mean everything to me. So with that, here are the contents of my brain.

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