Island of the Misfit Girl

I'm just a pale and hollow skeleton, wearing my mask of skin and trying too hard to fit in. This is were I come to vent, my personal diary, my journal and the place where I can share my real feelings. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I stand in front of the mirror and I lose sight of myself until I can regain the sense of existing, but not really being alive.

[becherdireinen]

It’s not easy peasy lemon squeezy, it’s always stressy, depressy, lemon zesty.

[stealingpotatoes]

for some reason my cat always acts surprised and sniffs me when i pet him even if he's literally sat on me

[stonebutchcowboy]

Why I Love Butch Women, by Carol A. Queen, from Dagger: on Butch Women

[feaftlikeabeaft]

I wish depression were an emergency. I wish someone could take one look at how sick I am and go “oh my god, we need to get you to a hospital!” and then when we get there I get rushed into surgery and the surgeons say “it’s a good thing you brought her here when you did, this is a seriously advanced case” and then they put me under and spend the next ten hours pulling metres of long, sticky black strands of gunk out of my body, throwing it immediately into an incinerator so that it can’t infect anyone else. And then they could stitch me back up and I could rest a few days, and when I leave the hospital everyone can see how much better I am and they congratulate me saying “well done, you’ve been so brave, I’m so glad you’re ok. I love you.”

[inkskinned]

it's easier to apply for jobs than ever! so what if you lost your insurance, anyone can get a job these days, even without meds. everyone is hiring! there's a "good employee" shortage!

well you just need to revamp your resume, here's a paid app subscription that can read it for you. rewrite the cover letter they won't read. google jobs in my area and then scrawl through Monster/Indeed/worbly. did you want to save the search? this was posted 98 days ago. over 1 billion applicants! this position is trending.

jobs i actively like doing and get paid for. your search returned no results. easy-apply with HireSpin! easy apply with SparkFire! easy apply with PenisFlash! with a few short clicks, get your information stolen.

watch out! the first 98 links on google are actually scams! they're false postings. oopsie. that business isn't even hiring. that other one is closed permanently. find one that looks halfway legit, google the company and the word "careers". go to their page. scroll past brightly-lit diversity stock photo JOIN US white sans serif. we are a unique, fresh, client-focused stock value capitalism. we are committed to excellence and selling your soul on ebay. we are DRIVEN with POWER to INNOVATE our greed. yippee! our company has big values of divisive decision making, sucking our dicks, and hating work-life balances. our values are to piss in your mouth. sign here and tell us if you have gender issues so we can get ahead of the sexual harassment claim. are you hispanic although let's be real we threw out the resume when we saw your last name.

sign up to LinkHub to access updates from this company. make a HirePlus account to apply. download the PoundLink app. your account has been created, click the link we sent you in 15 minutes. upload that resume. we didn't read the resume, manually fill in the lines now. what is your expected pay grade. oh actually we want hungry people, not people driven by a salary. cut a zero off that number, buddy, this is about opportunity, and we need to be thrifty. highest level of education. autofill is glitching. here is an AI generated set of questions. what is your favorite part of our sexy, sexy company. how do you resolve conflict. will you get our company logo tattooed on your person. warning: while our CEO is guilty of wage theft, we will absolutely refuse to hire a nonviolent felon.

thank you for your interest at WEEBLIX. we actually already filled this position internally. we actually never had that posting. we actually needed you to have 9 years of experience and since you have 10 years we think it might be too many? we'll be texting you. we'll email you. we'll keep your resume. definitely absolutely we won't just completely ignore you. look at your phone, there's already a spam text from Bethany@stealyouridentity. they're hiring!

wait, did you get an interview? well that's special, aren't you lucky. out of 910 jobs you applied to, one answered, finally. and funny story! actually the position isn't exactly as advertised, we are looking for someone curious and dedicated. it's sort of more managerial. no, the pay doesn't change - you won't have any leadership title. now take this 90 minute assessment. in order to be a dog groomer, we need you to explain cell biology. in order to be a copyeditor, write a tiny dissertation about the dwindling supply of helium on the planet. answer our riddles three. great job! we just need to push this up to Tracy in HR who will send it to Rodney who is actually in charge. and then of course it's jay's decision and then greg will need to see you naked and if you survive you'll be given a drug test and a full anal examination.

and of course you'll be hungry this whole time, aren't you, months and months of the same shit. months of no insurance, no meds, no funding, barely able to afford the internet and the phone and the rent - all things you need in order to even apply for our thing. but do it again! do it again and again and again, until you flip inside out and turn into a being of pure dread!

you're not hired yet because you're lazy. there's over one million AI-generated hallucinated jobs in your area. don't worry. with zipruiter, hiring and firing is easier than ever. sign up. stay on-call.

in the meantime, little peon - why don't you just fucking suffer.

[needt0scream]

I feel like my life is an airport terminal, like I’m sitting down at the gate eternally and my flight doesn’t seem to appear. I’ve gone through all the gates, I’ve ran from counter to counter and it’s like my passport got lost in one of the many turns and I don’t have a boarding pass anymore. I sit and I watch people passing by, I see the business men running around with a tiny suitcase and a pantsuit that really doesn’t go with their comfy footwear and they hold a smirk in their face cause they know they’ll close a deal as soon as I land. I see the wanderers with backpacks that are their size and how adventure has clouded their sight and how they always have a volcano to climb planned. I see families with little kids whose only dream is to visit disneyland and the adults that cards were almost overcharged to make the dream come true and couples that cannot wait for their honeymoon to begin. All of this while I’m just sitting down with no direction, with no destination and with no way of leaving and I can’t understand why.

[needt0scream]

I am unable to describe exactly what is the matter with me, I just feel extremely hopeless and frustrated with the life I’m leading. I am angry at the world, I am upset that I have to carry this weight and fulfill goals and expectations that aren’t my own but I feel like the ones that I have are impossible. I'm depressed. I'm overwhelmed by choice. I feel like the stakes are so high that if I fail I could ruin everything forever. Logically I know nothing matters and everything is temporary but emotionally I am crushed by the weight of everything that has ever happened to me and the choices that I have to make. And I can’t stand still, I can’t continue in my current job cause I climbed the ladder so fast that now the only other option is to take the director’s job and that’s not happening. I can’t seem to finish my current degree, although finishing it feels pointless cause I don’t actually want to work as a mathematician, partly cause I feel like I didn’t learn anything but mostly cause I find it boring. I think about studying a second career however studying literature also feels pointless in a country like mine and everyone I know that followed that path is now in a call center or a teacher, I’m already the former and I don’t want to get to the latter.

Life feels like a stepping stone on the way to something else, except that whatever is coming feels so far and impossible and it’s in the dark. It’s like going down the stairs into an empty, dark basement, where I don’t even know when the stairs end. I fear that the longing will last is forever and I don’t know where to store this heartache anymore. I feel my body falls silently under the loneliness and the distance between myself and the rest of the world. I long to feel wanted and loved, to feel like my friends or loved ones were expecting me instead of feeling like i’m intruding. Whenever someone tells me that they love me, I feel like my heart will burst. I feel like a burden and extremely guilty whenever someone expresses affection towards me.

[inkskinned]

i have spent a few days listening to the music you like. you have a tattoo of the band's logo on your ribs. you got it when you were still kind of a kid. my first tattoo was a bird instead. i did the math - we got our first tattoos in the same calendar year. isn't that kind of cool.

my mom loves hallmark movies, so i grew up thinking love would look like a firework. it feels like one, after all. it's just that my house wasn't safe. i thought love was a weapon, could be pointed at your eyes. could lose a finger to it, or teeth. my father used to say passion is everything. i thought that meant constant fighting was a good thing. i thought that meant love looked like a week of bickering, because it was worth the the weekend's boombox apology. i thought quiet love was boring. i thought love had to blot out everything, compel the body and the mind like puppetry. i thought love looks like ruining your own dinner table - but at least you set a feast.

but love looks like a scarf. your hands smoothing it down my chest, being sure each of the edges are tucked in, worried about my asthma attacks being cold-activated. i race you while i'm wearing heels, you hold my hand to guide me downhill while walking my dog. we dance in my living room to waltz of the flowers, i show you how to hold your arms in proper ballet port de bras. you write a song about looking out of my window while the snow falls. i ask you to text my friends back while i'm driving. you play dj in the front seat. somewhere on route 93, we start murmuring about secret things.

oh. there is a difference between peace and dispassion. it was never that i feared quiet, it's that i didn't know what safe felt like. i liked the chaos because it was familiar, not because it was kind. i think i used to fear the word wife. i didn't like the idea of long, lonely days and being yelled at for small things. i didn't like the idea of sacrificing my one beautiful life.

you meet my friends and make a point to learn things about them. we both get excited about the other person's passions. you read my book for hours, squinting at the small words. i try to understand basic guitar information. we talk for four hours on the phone while i string together a garland. we talk for six hours while you write a poem. i save a pintrest tip for the summer about making paper kites. i plan us a week-long trip to maine, map out my favorite places for an eventual hike. you fall asleep on the ride home, and i turn down the radio so it won't wake you up. your quiet hands fold over mine.

when i look up, the stars are brighter. how carefully you woven gold into the corners of my life. when i move, i feel some part of my soul reflected back onto you.

oh, love is not a net. it's a blanket.

[osemanverse-comfort]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH !! 🏳️‍🌈✨🏳️‍⚧️

LGBTQ+ rights , always and forever

[asoftwrongness]

I’ve overstayed my welcome

instagram | prints

[linn-vicious]

[needt0scream]

Another Monday, another night to fight off suicidal thoughts

The mere thought of going back into my corporate finance job makes me gag. It was a three day weekend and despite the fact that I did nothing more than binge watching netflix, I still want to cry myself to sleep and peel off my skin before stepping into the office again. I don’t know how I’m supposed to work for another 40 - 50 years if 4 months have made me so miserable.

[needt0scream]

[needt0scream]

Somedays I feel like I’ll drown on my loneliness

I went out grocery shopping today and to run some errands, casually all in the same mall. While I was walking around, with my book and a tote bag as only companions, I could not help but notice that I was one of the few people alone there. I think this issue is enhanced by the fact that it is over a weekend, but the amount of families, couples and friends walking around overwhelmed me. 

I just keep thinking that I had no one hand’s to hold. That I had no one to show the cool thing I found on the store. No one to ask if there was still bread on the house. I just wanted someone to help me look for the car keys on my messy bag or someone to hold the shopping while I took out the parking ticket.

I am used to being alone and doing things on my own. From a young age I had to learn that all I had by my side was myself, the only person I could rely on was me and that I was the one that had to look for me. I just never expected that my independence would turn into my burden, that enjoying my own company would be the reason why I have no plans on the weekends, why I don’t have social media because I have nothing to post other than the four walls on my room and my desk at my job. 

I feel like my existence is meaningless and has no witnesses. There’s no one to remember me by if God is merciful tomorrow and finally kills me on a car crash or a stupid accident. If I die tomorrow, I’ll be nothing but grateful that the emptiness on my chest and the pain of my heart is over.

[inkedbbg]

relationships are so fucking scary to me man. no matter how good things are going or how in love you are, your significant other could always just lose feelings for you and be gone just like that.

[needt0scream]

i think this is why i stay purposely single

[kristina100000]

obsessed with bed.. i love bed. obsessed with pillows blankets and such literally love sleeping

[windrunner-angst]