neemouse

it's very very small and moves fast look quick.

[dearmeat]

I really thought things were bad when I was late for work on Friday and my car started dying whenever idling. Things were looking up when I actually made it back to my condo and found some available spots to ditch it and get to work. Little did I know it was you blocking the driveway for my...

[neemouse-blog]

The tarot cards have been asking for some attention lately. My health is not improving, and I was running out of places to turn for info. So, with my thyroid reaching beyond hyper and knowing circumstance was to blame, but without being able to get perspective, much less a handle on my stress level, I went and pulled out the tarot stuff.

The answer was just too obvious. I can't believe how long I had been trying without success to make sense of the last 8 months. Whatever; I finally came away with helpful information.

2011= Turbulent year for relationships and nearly constant adversity on the job. The feeling I needed to stay close to home and engineer protective mechanisms. A feeling of being turned to stone emotionally.

Looked up 2011 for myself and found my Chariot Year - description as usually uncanny.

2012 = Only increasing adversity in the job (how was that possible?). Constant questions about whether to give it up altogether. Ongoing fears of intimacy alongside instincts to reject all closeness even with family, all being very unlike the "me" that I identify with. Faucet-like release of emotions such that they seem to be my primary focus nearly every day since just before the holidays, significantly aggravating my health condition. Constant feelings of self-judgement as I evaluate wins and losses and mainly observe what feel like losses.

Strength Year validated.

Focusing now on advice tailored for Strength Year:

Turn passion into meaningful projects instead of wasting it or allowing it to become a destructive force.

Embrace what I feel to be ugly or beastly in myself so that I can build strength of character. 

No big deal, I should have that done by lunchtime. HA!

Spotify: a song about embracing your shadow side, and not just what’s sunny. Marry the Night?

[neemouse-blog]

Meanwhile I found an app that I love - Star Walk. Last night my poor thyroid was running at 100 mph and I was downright set on having a fight with someone. Why all the 'war' energy? Out of curiosity, I looked for Mars. The darned planet was staring down at me from right over my head!!!

Today feels distinctly more full of possibility. The sun was out, so I pointed my phone at the sky to see what was up. My own sign, Capricorn was shining down on me overlapping the Sun. And while I'm not an astrologer and am not sure what to make of that it seems like a good thing. All I know for certain is that Mars is on the other side of the planet and I'm going to take advantage of it's distance before it comes around again this evening.

[neemouse-blog]

Growth: only a little less of a bitch than Karma

So I seem to be playing a game with myself where I work directly against, or otherwise fail to achieve, any of the goals or standards I say I have for myself and all the advice I give to others:

I neglect myself, the people who love me, and my dear cat who badly needs my attention. I obsess about things over which I have no control. And to change the things I can control, it seems to not matter at all how many resolutions I make, I still: fail to exercise, meditate, manage my stress or take the herbs that I know for a fact help with my anxiety and general ability to function well. And all the while I watch my mind change and my body change in dramatic and noticeable ways... all decidedly not positive.

The stakes are getting a bit too high to continue this. Three years ago I lost 20 lbs of excess weight, achieved calm and clarity and overcame illness. I meditated and did yoga just about every single day. I looked with compassion at others who couldn't break free of their self-defeating patterns, watching them wolf down cookies and schlep themselves through dreaded Mondays, biding their time until Fridays rolled around.

And then I fell back into all the patterns that created the weight, tension, and confusion, and threatened my well-being. Mentally, emotionally, psychically and physically I am feeling worse off than potentially I was to begin with. But...

All the work I've done over all the years must not have been entirely without effect - a voice in the back of my head says none of this represents failure but illuminates the very growth I'm meant to remain focused on. Calm, clarity and health are not something achieved, but maintained.

So I'm going to stop blaming the gods and the universe (all of which is against my religion), stop listening to the voice that calls me a failure, stop paying attention to external forces and start the hell over again.

And I'm going to keep in mind it's not entirely from scratch.

Spotify soundtrack: Is it trite to say Born This Way is the only appropriate option?

[neemouse-blog]

What we have christened reality is an even greater illusion than the world of dreams

salvador dalí

[neemouse-blog]

is this a picture of

a) the building across from mine

b) a guy who saw me naked before he jumped off the roof ten feet above where he is in the photo

c) the career i never ever want to pursue, or

d) all of the above?

[neemouse-blog]

the true value of a human being is determined by the measure and the sense in which they have obtained liberation from the self.

albert einstein

[neemouse-blog]

there is no right way... only the way that keeps the mind free...

jay farrar

[neemouse-blog]

humanity as a whole is changeful, mystical, fickle, delightful. men are men, but Man is a woman.

chesterton

[neemouse-blog]

you can hide for now, chicken

[neemouse-blog]

ever seen a mirror?

and speaking of jack kerouac, what about 'self'?

one of my [few hundred] favorite insights from mason jennings tunes: anyone who says that life is clear has never seen a mirror, or been to jackson square. i've seen and been; both are equally confounding. wanna know why? 'self" is why.

it's the notion of 'self' that gets us up in arms when people start talking about ... ghosts for example. ghosts are eerie because they seem to have a will of their own, even though the 'self' they inhabited may have been gone a long, long time. and of course, if you ask a person like eckhart tolle about 'self,'  you'll get a very long answer about the limits that come with self-identification.

so wtf is 'self' ? is it possible to separate it from the energy that drives it? if you believe in ghosts, you might say yes. i've never seen a ghost, but i've seen other proof, so i say: absolutely it is, and absolutely that's terrifying. mason can tell you all about it. and so can i....

for example, last week, my key turned in the lock without the help of my hand. (yes, indeed. when i say i have strange hobbies they include investigation of such phenomena. i could go on and on about that -- the moving glasses, the flickering lights, the doors that open and close without help from human hands, but, fellow travelers, those stories are for another post.)

so  yes, that's terrifying. to some people. but it also gives a person like me hope: whatever energy that was, it was doing what i was about to. and it did it with almost no effort, it appeared.

if there's an energy beyond the "me" that i know - the one that walks around on the earth and handles most of the key-turning business, and of which i think of as 'self'...

and if that energy can take over the unlocking of doors...

rather than be freaked out, i take it to mean that quite literally anything is possible. that's great news. no self-specific state need be taken too seriously.

and no door i'd like to walk through can remain locked.

***

spotify soundtrack: it's obvious i'd say "jackson square" (mason jennings, from boneclouds), but maybe you'd just as soon prefer "go to the mirror" from tommy.

[neemouse-blog]

sea horses!

[neemouse-blog]

avocado maki anyone? no? why not?

[neemouse-blog]

centerpiece

[neemouse-blog]

carlos took the road gig, and he saw it through

relationships define us, and we define them. so... who are we when our relationships are changing? and what comes of them when we are?

i hear all the time about people who "can't get over" so-and-so, or how so-and-so is "living in the past"... but i find any conversation about other people's relationships to be glib; while it may be easy to admit that relationships are always-changing things, that's a terribly hard thing to reconcile when it's clear your relationships are changing in big ways, because that means you will be too, and that nobody knows what's to come next.

in a given moment, or at a given period in time, relationships tell us a lot about who we are, and major changes mean major uncertainty not only for the future, but for every moment leading up to it.

example: two or three years ago i was very different. and though a lot that has changed since then has been changed by design, there are things about that girl i used to be, and about her relationships, that i find myself missing terribly, in ways i have trouble even articulating. there were many things that i considered positive about that two-years-ago version of myself that i never meant to leave behind, but by changing dynamics within some of my relationships, i inadvertently did.

two years ago, i was spending most of my time with folks i'd describe as naturally good-humored and easy-going. i remember joking and laughing a lot, and a general feeling of comfort with my day-to-day life. but i also felt out of place. this year i started spending more and more time with folks who had hobbies and interests more similar to my own, which aren't necessarily common (more on that in a future post).

i'm not going to lie: i'm one of those people who has felt out of place just about every place i've ever been, including in my relationships. very rarely have i felt 100% at home someplace or with someone. and while that hasn't changed with my relationships, my understanding of "relationship" has:

however imperfect they've ever been, my relationships have always grounded me to my sense of who i am. when they've changed, i have, too. so, when i recently began to notice that life had become very serious -- very riddled with analysis -- i found myself missing the every-day presence of the people who seemed to make a light-hearted perspective more possible for me -- the people who forced me out of my uber-serious comfort zone and into a zone that's so much more level-headed, really: one filled with every-day joy.

don't get me wrong; it's not that those people are gone. their roles have just changed i my life. and it's not that a rebalancing isn't possible; it is -- both for the rediscovery of light-heartedness within myself and for the care required for those relationships where that joyfulness came more effortlessly.

the main thing to understand is that all of the struggles with relationship must have something to do with karma, telling us as they do, in real time, exactly who we are, what we lack, what we offer in abundance, and most importantly, offering us chances to grow along with feedback on how we're doing.

but more than that, for me, the questions above beg an honest inquiry: how much is too much when it comes to grounding oneself to one's relationships? because when all is said and done, no matter what karma is in play, a given capacity in oneself should not be dependent on the geographic or emotional proximity of certain other human beings.

as of this moment, there's only a few things i know about relationships and what they have to do with who i am: my relationships live and breathe, just like me, and changing definitions and dynamics in my relationships are inevitable.

oh, and this: it's a damn lucky thing that the folks i know, believe in courage, because that's what facing change is really about.

spotify soundtrack: what relationship post is complete without james mcmurtry's ruby and carlos?

[biblicone]

I think there is a usability issue here.

[neemouse-blog]

i have no pretentions of immortality

i think you must have to be really grounded to function normally in the vicinity of celebrity culture. i've always had mixed feelings about the life-trajectory differences amongst my college friends and myself (quite a few of them went on to be achieve some degree of fame or fortune), but today was one of the days i was happy mine went the way it did. it all started when i read that demi moore and ashton kutcher were splitting up. it's been a long time since i read celebrity gossip, but this one i was curious about, for whatever reason.

so, i went to one of my afore-mentioned friend's blogs and read for myself, first a blog entry with demi's announcement, and then, following the embedded links, i traced this particular story back several other blog entries containing photos and videos and texts and tweets and more links back to more photos and videos and texts and tweets. and sure enough, i got the scoop. but i got something else too.

no, it wasn't herpes. i think that's one of the things you can't get from too much celebrity gossip. but i can say that in the 30 minutes i'll never get back, i saw what felt to me to be a dizzying collection of pictures of lots of people in bikinis, in and out of hot tubs and bars, doing body shots in hotel rooms and texting friends about their escapades having sex with strangers. i'm not one to judge whether any of that is the good time it claims to be, but i can say this: it seems chaotic.

don't get me wrong; i get anxious if i'm in the wrong seat at a restaurant (i get claustrophobic if i can't see the door) so clearly i wouldn't be eligible for this type of life. but even watching it from afar left me with a panicked feeling. and i can't help but wonder whether all the folks in those pictures don't suffer a little for the energy they expend on so much that is fleeting.

i mean, i know life is to be lived in the moment... but shouldn't the quality of the moment be considered before one can say they are "living life to the fullest" (god i hate that expression; always have)? and, if the people you're with have mainly superficial interest in your presence, doesn't that "moment" become one with the power to work against you in the long run?

seems like. but maybe i'm wrong. dunno.

spotify soundtrack... how about son volt, cocaine & ashes?