The Ramblings of a Madman. @negan-malfunctioning-android - Tumblr Blog

And then there’s McTeague. The dog master with his hellhounds. His biggest problem is there is never enough left to identify after so he can collect the bounty. Alita: Battle Angel (2019) dir. Robert Rodriguez

#battle angel alita #scifi #gif set #movie

bamf

She pulls my trigger Got me up alright It’s a danger pretty here in Night City

#cyberpunk 2077 #gif set #video game #this game feels like home

Our villain arcs are starting and I am living for it. What about you?

So, 2022. Just over a month before this shit began I actually kinda felt my mind snap. I was losing my mind in the middle of a restaurant and was drawing away something about runes or the Nordic alphabet depending on who you ask and what you read. I could hear everything around me, I could feel the people passing behind me and my eyes were stinging hardcore because of hot tears I was holding back. I was holding back so much of my breath because I felt like if I breathed normally that was it for me, I was going to break down right then and there at the table in front of every Tom, Dick and Harry.

I ended up spending most of my time outside, head in my hands, chilling on a bench, listening to my music as loud as I could to keep the voices at bay and to make my mind numb as possible. I was tapping my foot, disappearing into whatever world I had kept in my mind. I’m pretty sure it was this particular one that I imagine often. My thought process was interrupted though not by a family member, no, but a stranger. A pierced light skinned stranger holding out a little fortune cookie. They smiled softly and stepped away the moment I took the cookie. I didn’t think much of it and assumed they felt bad for me. I ate the cookie and I still have it, somewhere, the fortunate. I can’t remember what it said but I know it made sense.

I went back in, began to eat and kept my thoughts back as much as I could. I was offered a meat product oddly a lot. I can’t eat meat anymore, apparently my stomach can’t stand the stuff which is sad cause I kinda miss chicken and salmon. I do feel much cleaner though and healthier. I went back outside afterwards and was pacing a bit and again that pierced stranger stepped outside, holding a bin of glass bottles and asked if I was ok. I can’t remember my answer but they put the bin down and stepped up on to the bench and sat their butt down on that table which was definitely cold because I also sat my ass on it next to them. “My name is x, pronouns are they/them, what’s yours?”

For a brief moment I had to pause and think. No one ever asked me that question before and I was surprised honestly. I answered and we spoke a bit and soon eventually swapped contact details. I’m now owing them a boba and a snack. Before I left the place they gave me a can tab and we said our goodbyes. We’d meet again a few weeks later and that would end with me on their kitchen floor eating cheese at one at night. They’ve started an endless spiral because I now feel more determined than ever to sit up and stand up. Since then I’ve changed my hair, I’ve turned down more things that I would’ve felt guilted into having. I’ve started demanding a change and moving forward into it.

The world is forever changing and so is everyone around me. There’s people changing while others stay the same. And I no longer want to remain the same. I don’t want to sit down and shut up because being loud and having a voice would disturb the peace set up by others. Others may say they are accepting but in reality they are hesitating themselves and unknowingly holding out a hand to keep me sat down. How depressing, huh?

I’m ready to upset many people and I’m ready to jump into the deep water.

negan-malfunctioning-android

Stop what you are doing I have a PSA

I just thought anyone having a rough day could use some cheering up so here’s my cat who sleeps under blankets when he’s cold and ends up looking like a cute purrito

Please reblog so others may see the purrito boy

negan-malfunctioning-android

Yeah, he done kicked the bucket this year, folks

skyroredraws

The Halo Legend shorts were an odd part of my childhood, since I watched them well before I understood the games even existed, and now that I’m grown and I know the lore I appreciate them even more. My favorite was always “The babysitter”, I wanted to Spartan Cal-141 more justice with a proper portrait, she’s a wonderful character and I wish she had more screentime. Enjoy!

#cal 141 #spartan #halo #halo legends #art

You smell like beef

I SMELL LIKE BEEEEEEF

Hello, quarter to two.

6/8/2012

So, I guess I’ll be losing my piercing soon. It’s an industrial, awesome looking but unfortunately it was yanked and tore partly. There’s now a pus bubble and green snot leaking from one hole. I plan to go back to the studio, have it removed and if the other hole is still clear just have a little stud put in. It’s like my eyebrow all over again. At least my septum is going strong though. I might see if about a funky coloured one with spike ends. Neon green with black spikes maybe? It might look cute. Or not. I’m pretty gross looking.

I made that shepherds pie. It didn’t brown as much as I wanted it to but at least it still tasted good. It didn’t taste exactly like how my Nan used to make it because it was entirely plant based but it still bared a strong resemblance and bought back some memories. I love going back to bits of the past, sometimes I can trigger memories though not completely. They are still spotty. There’s so many months I can’t remember, there’s so many trips and amazing things I apparently did and enjoyed but I don’t remember a damn thing. Any pictures just give me headaches.

My stomach hurts. I think I ate too much but I had a little 🍃 ya know. I got kinda hungry. I was extremely hungry but I was still hungry enough to apparently attempt to consume the entire pie. I drank like six cans of Coke today so too my body must be screaming for water. I’ll get some in the morning, wrap this chick’s present and eat more brown toast. I don’t know why I love brown toast so much. I might make broccoli cheddar soup again tomorrow? I know I got no no chik pieces but I do have THIS isn’t bacon. That might do possibly? It’s kinda smokey.

I think my game is bugged (duh, Bethesda) because Macready just disappears upon entering MedTek and spawns right back in Goodneighbour. I decided to leave it for now and went to go grab Curie from Vault 81. I have a mod installed to make her look more seductive but it seems to not work this playthrough. Maybe it’s due an update. I got her decked out in BOS armour and gave her a melee weapon. She really loves melee but would only use a little knife. I’m levelling up my blacksmith perks a bit more so I can mod out her fist for her. I’m sure she’ll enjoy it when she runs at a Super Mutant Suicider again and beats the shit out of him before he can even drop the nuke. Did you know Jack Cabot ages now? Before he seemed to remain forever young but now I’ve seen him greyed, wrinkled, and his mother gone. Kat, a random encounter also has a new appearance; she has a ponytail instead of her usual bob haircut. I don’t have NPC appearance mods so I’m not sure what’s causing my NPCs to change but it’s now making more sense to the story. They look more how you’d expect them to look in certain areas. I guess I missed an update that was slipped in.

My eyes are sore.

Badflower - Family

Breaking Benjamin - Dance with the Devil

Dance in the Vampire Bund OP

Badflower - Wide Eyes

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks

#blog four

It’s about a quarter past one at night. I can’t tell too well at the moment.

5/8/2012

I always struggled terribly with numbers growing up to the point it looked like gibberish and that the numbers were just bouncing around the page. It got better for a while but now I get confused by threes and eights or can’t read a number if it’s a large one. Trying to figure out prices is fun along with counting my calories. I’m not always sure I’ve gotten it correct and it’s gotten to a point that people have hidden price tags from me. It’s odd; I get stressed because I can’t read the numbers then I can’t concentrate the more I stress. I was a gifted kid and society failed my brain. Adults were meant to stimulate my brain and now look at me. I’m stupid.

Today I’m gonna be making that pie but I’ve partly lost my motivation. Like my mental state has been weird lately! I’m aware set backs happen and it’s uncomfortable and can be pretty ugly but it’s also very annoying. Until my video game crashed I actually couldn’t figure out if I was actually awake or not. Felt like I was my character, felt like I was Damien in Fallout 4 just trying to survive.

I’m more obsessed with him than 2.0 and Junko. Probably because where one was a fallen hero and the other was a psycho addict killing machine both were pretty much gods. Damien is my Survival guy and it’s been a wild ride so far! I died because I touched a car. It had been two days without sleep so I was instantly transported back to the vault. I nearly broke my TV.

Surviving Boston has become something risky. I haven’t started my DLCs because I do feel I’m not ready for that yet and Damien is nearly at level fifty! F I F T Y. It took me till thirty five to actually go in the Glowing Sea to search for Virgil and lemme tell ya’ I did not use the legendary Spray gun from Cricket at all. I just ran through that green ocean straight to Virgil’s cave. It’s gotten a little easier now I’ve powered up Danse’s armour a bit and I’ve put safe houses with emergency stashes all over the Commonwealth but it was not easy. I still need to gain control of the swamp settlement by the high school with the pink paste. I haven’t faced anything above a regular Deathclaw.

The Behemoth story though that was wild. I generally forgot they spawn in some time after a specific level. Needed blood samples and some junk for a number of reasons but mainly Aluminium and some copper. I dived for high ground so fast when I saw the green goblin coming at me. It reminded me of when I first played FF15. SPOILERS after returning to mainland you’ll experience a variety of monsters out and about including many giants. So I’m hiding out on top of this bridge with Deacon when I hear a FATMAN! I thought good, that’ll get him. Then no more? I sneak around and I see this broken power armoured raider running towards the behemoth with a tiny knife. I wish there was an animation like the giants in Skyrim to make it more comedic.

Something in me is definitely changing but I don’t know what. I don’t even know if it’s good or not.

Badflower - Family

Black Veiled Brides - Knives and Pens

Metro Station - Shake It

Badflower - Wide Eyes

VOCALOID - Beheading Dance

Well, Tumblr, looks like we’re getting back together cause Discord is suddenly fucked itself over and locked me out because I was two cm to left from my usual location.

Hello, echo chamber, I’m back again.

I’m not entirely sure what I was expecting today. I can’t even remember what I did today. Maybe tumblr is bad for my health. I mean, when has it ever been good for my health? My previous account was a tad different. I had many followers mainly because thigh content. I remember getting anons asking if I would find their thigh type cute and others explaining their thigh stories. It was oddly wholesome. Had people tagging on stories too. It was how I learned many people felt self conscious about their legs. I expected it with like length and hair of course but honestly it was almost like body types but with two limbs instead. I miss it sometimes but my breakdown was unavoidable apparently.

Parvus is a mad man today. Well child. He’s only about eighteen weeks old. I got a head; he decided to leap and crush it with his whole might. That was the point I decided he needed to go and calm down a bit in the pen. I don’t like keeping him in there often but sometimes it helps him cool off a bit. Then back to regular curious goofball if he isn’t trying to break into the biscuit bag. I’ll let him out again soon once I’m sure he’s not going to leap into giving himself another injury. I’ve never met a cat who would cause minor injury to himself so much. It took three people to rescue him from a couch! I’m pretty sure he’s covered in bruises underneath that fur because I’ve watched him run into things or completely miss his target a lot. During zoomies today he missed the bed and instead smacked his face into the bed leg. He was fine but he sulked for a while afterwards. He’s at an awkward stage already where he’s stuck between adult and kitten sizes. Half Maine Coon, half Blue, I would assume he’s going to be the size of his father but he’s pretty huge for four months old. He’s got a long spine, can’t curl up properly so he often sleeps V shaped. I’m sure he’ll grow into it.

I’ve been noticed by Badflower though more notably Josh thirteen times now. I don’t know why I keep count. It’s an odd clash of happiness. I wish I could be their friend. The music is cool and I’m a frequent listener. 0.05 was what the last count down said. I didn’t even know you could get into a group smaller than 1%! I wonder what it would be like to be their friend. Probably wouldn’t last long. Different levels of broken and repair and I’m definitely nowhere near their area. Next to being in the back of a police car I’ll probably be a mix of writing then being thrown into an institute for the rest of my life. The MHA will see to it if they deem me crazy enough. I don’t mean to be, not every bit of me has control.

I feel like I’m spinning on an imaginary desk chair. I could technically do that but I don’t have room for my gamer chair yet, especially not at my desk. I want to throw out most of this stuff. A whole section of my room. I know I may be guilted into keeping most of it which is a problem. I might runaway from this for a while, dye my hair, come back with tattoos I don’t remember getting at all. A breath of fresh air. It might feel nice, who knows? I’m making shepherds pie on Thursday.

Badflower - Family

Rise Against - saviour

Mother Mother - Hayloft

Badflower - Wide Eyes

Nightcore - Dam Dadi Doo

negan-malfunctioning-android

Generally curious

negan-malfunctioning-android

My many followers

Screw it, I think I’ll just start posting here. Who will read? Probably no one

2/8/2012

So today I ended up without another guitar lesson. Last week Zoom was messed up and either didn’t load users or just didn’t let you in. We never rescheduled another. Next week though is another session where I’ll be repeating the same mistakes.

The atmosphere doesn’t look right today. It’s strange. It’s not blurry or sounding distant when I concentrate but it’s just a darker shade. Like a nuclear winter mod for an RPG. I faded out quickly too. I guess I’m having a bad time at the moment. It’s coming in flashes but not as frequent or as long as it used to be. I assume that’s a sign I’m still doing better than I did before.

I cooked today as always but today was a little bit different because today I made vegan broccoli cheddar soup! I’m pretty proud of it; I was expecting it to taste awful but I got it right and I’ll definitely be creating it again.

I heard brown bread goes great with soup so I thought why? Decided to go for it. It definitely added to the soup itself somehow. I plan to make a vegan shepherd(cottage?) pie this week at some point. I haven’t had one since my grandmother passed away so maybe this’ll be a good idea. Nostalgia.

Speaking of nostalgia. I’ve been sat on it a lot lately, music, drawing, revisiting old videos and I tried to remember the logins for old accounts but they’ve long disappeared. I drew a picture in the style I saw frequently around my teen years too. Maybe I’ll post it one day but not now because I feel slightly embarrassed.

I found myself questioning me. Who I am, who I’ve been and who do I want to be. I can’t find my ground, my feet. How awkward is this? I’ve been drinking monster a lot more and I wonder if the force of being awake is making me more aware.

Cosmo & Wanda

Here’s some songs I’ve been listening to a lot today

Badflower - Family

Meg & Dia - Monster

All Time Low - Time Bomb

Badflower - Wide Eyes

Greenday - 21 Guns

#blog one

Look at this place; it’s a graveyard of someone I used to know

What even happened between then and now? I can’t even remember but it doesn’t take much to know that once upon a time this blog was filled to the brim with activity and now I can barely force myself to post. I wasn’t ashamed of many things including my sexuality, my art, my mind and it’s like looking at an entirely different person who I cannot even remember. What happened to you, girl? What turned you into a bully then into a broken angry adult who is only just finding their feet and gaining land?

Where did everything go? Where did everyone go? Do they remember her? Have they forgotten her like I have? Were they victims of narcissistic behaviour? And yet I feel sorry for this lost child no matter how awful of a human she once was. She was damaged seemingly beyond repair.

I didn’t realise how sick I was until recent years.

It’s like a massive time skip with some blips of memory in the middle. At one point I was a teenager who was check listing anime and creating cringe art/fanfics then I’m an adult, alone, no talents and a strange feeling of guilt and anger on my mind. Doctors said dissociation due to trauma, something I never heard of until that point and something I didn’t think could happen to me.

I hate seeing old accounts that I apparently used to frequent. The pictures give me headaches and the amount of people I apparently used to talk to on the regular tagged yet blocked or deactivated accounts. Messages in inboxes I can’t reply to. Though I remember some people and quite a bit of our relationship but I can’t remember everything and only parts. Reading some of the posts, messages is like reading a fourteen year olds drama and cringe after school. It’s gibberish, no common sense and also very vague. I’ve seen some horrible messages I’ve apparently written and it seems so out of character.

And the guilt? Hell, if I knew why I felt guilty I’d probably feel worse. If I could say such vague, narcissistic stuff to someone what else have I apparently done? These people aren’t in my life for a reason and I’m sure I have something to do with it, I’m sure I did something somehow.

But one person I remember mostly clearly immediately makes me grind my teeth that I’m surprised they aren’t flat at the force I put in. There’s blips missing but I remember really loving her at one point and wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. Now for some reason I feel I would push her to the brink of tears if we ever see each other again.

My anger feels the worst. I say such violent things without thinking and it’s almost like I can see myself sat there typing it or saying it while I’m shaking my head. I feel like I’ve watched myself punch the shit out of things and I’m left with the bruised knuckles feeling as if I wasn’t actually the one punching the brick.

Sure, I’m doing better, I’m coping better and I’m going back to classes and looking into hobbies and things I used to do on the regular but it’s something that feels alien. I know recovery takes time but how much time will it take until I can look in the mirror without seeing a stranger’s blur?

Generally curious

I’ve been lifting a lot and now I have a new found love for life holy fuck I think I’m properly in recovery now

Everything has changed so much now. I’m almost feeling tired looking through my timeline.

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