I have been struggling with abandonment issues for 2 decades.
In 2001, I was diagnosed with scoliosis. Local doctors told me that I had to do a surgery. I firmly declined. I did not want one and I still do not want one, no matter how progressive the tech is. I do not want my back to be ripped open and I do not want any metal attached to my spine. Especially when they are not adamantium.
So I had to wear a body brace 24/7 except when I shower. Wearing a body brace not only limits your physical movement; it’s hot, makes you sweaty, and it hurts. When you wear a body brace, it fucking shows. People will ask what is wrong with you and if by any chance they tap your shoulder, they will ask even more. To sum up, I fucking hated it.
My confidence and self-worth jumped off the roof. I fucking hated it when my (girl) friends tapped my shoulder, because it actually meant that they tapped my body brace. They wondered what I wore, what was wrong with me. At that time, having scoliosis was like having a disability for me, so I had to keep it a secret. And so I kept my mouth shut whenever they started question things. I got pissed when I had my shoulder tapped. The result = I was being left out.
Things were different with guy friends. They did not care, so they did not know. So we were cool.
A couple of years after that, in 2003, each and every one of my close friends started casually seeing someone. I had not. There was one day at school where I went to their respective classes to ask them to hang out during recess and they were unavailable because they hung out with their respective boyfriends. I remember being panicked because I felt so alone and I cried near the balcony. I was seeing no one and I felt so alone. That was the loneliest I have ever felt in my life, at that time. Mind you, I am an only child.
From 1997 to 2012, I had a good friend. We only went to the same elementary school and eventually the same university, but we managed to stay in touch and remain as friends throughout junior high school and high school. Ever since she got her driver license in high school, we would hang out after class once a week. During our university years, we would occasionally travel together too.
Things changed in 2012 when she graduated, got a job, and started dating a much older man. We saw each other less and I had to be the one reaching out to her all the fucking time. I finally pulled the last straw on a day where I went downtown to have dinner with her after office hours, but it felt so rushed and unenjoyable because she had to see her boyfriend afterwards. I finally stopped reaching out to her and, as predicted, she never reached out to me.
Funny how a new individual could come into the lives of two people who have known each other for over a decade and make them grow apart. Well, the good news is, they eventually got married. I was invited. Even my parents were also invited (because we were friends for a very long time, so our parents knew each other too). To honor our 15 years of friendship, of course I attended the wedding, but that was it. That was it. I never reached out to her anymore and so did she. We grew up and we grew apart.
As a professional, I have 8 years of working experience in which almost half of it was spent in one company only where my capability and competency was stretched the most, resulting in the best professional growth I have ever gone through. In that company, I worked hand in hand with my peers. Most of them were female, only a few were male.
Once in a while, I would see posts of them hanging out after work on social media. Naturally, I felt left out, so I casually asked to get invited next time. They said yes, but the invitation never happened. Until a couple of years ago, they would still get together, and I would still be absent because they never invited me.
I do not understand what is wrong with women. Individually, they can be a very good friend, but when they are in a group, they kinda turn into someone else. Is is the power of group psychology?
Now I only have 7 close friends. 4 are female. 3 are male. A couple of them live abroad, so we cannot see each other regularly, but I love them dearly. They have a special place in my heart which makes them closer then any other people I know who geographically speaking are actually close. And I am fine with that. I am fine with only having 7 close friends. Even if it means I only receive very few birthday greetings. Even if it means my future daughter will not receive a shitload of welcoming gifts when she is born.
I wish to remain friends with 7 of them until one of us dies. Therefore I do not have to experience the fifth, the sixth, or the seventh abandonment.
But for now, I gotta get rid of this trauma first.
“In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.” Ephesians 4:26
