The Mistake @neo2416 - Tumblr Blog

Gonna spiral tonight. Can fucking feel it. No one to talk to. No one to jold on to. Just casually loosing my mind again. Let's fucking go

It's amazing how I can quietly breakdown in my room, and then instantly stop crying and hyperventilating as soon as I hear movement outside my door. Like that shit is some superpower

Man, ik life likes to keep on kicking me but dude, it feels like steel-toed boots lately

I ache. I ache from simply being here, in this world with all the people I can't interact with. And it's not that I'm locked in some sort of cage. I just, I fear. I fear of failure. I fear rejection. I fear that the failure in this instance make ME more of a failure I already believe am. And I wasn't born with such a fear. I was taught to associate failure with my own unworthiness of basically everything. I was taught that no matter what I do. No matter the result. If it was not perfection? It did not matter. The words "I'm proud of you". I heard them maybe a few time from my mother in an entire lifetime. And still. Those words feel empty to me. They carry no weight, nor do they lift any. I'm simply stuck in a hole. With a shovel to dig myself out. But it feels that no matter what I do I'm going to loose. I learned to live in a hole. To accept the few things it has. And back at the top? I don't know what to expect. Don't know what to do after I am there above the ground. And that is also what I fear

Yes, you gotta tell me what I should have done cuz I'm and absolute and utter idot that has shit for brains. Totally not that you don't fucking get the dynamic between friends. It's supposedly me being an idiot and an ass. Fuck me ig. Guess I'll die fucking alone given I can't even treat a friend right according to you. I might aswell spare anyone pain and trouble

Now the irrational fear is setting in. The loneliness too

I just want to feel better than this. Not okay. Just better than this rn

How such an unimportant and notbserious conversation affecting me? How and why? What does it make me question myself? My own identity even? Why? How? Nothing was said in bad faith. We were joking around. So why? Why am I like this rn?

Guess I'll die

neo2416

I get that I don't fit in thia family. But damn. Having to sit in the attic as to I don't have to interact with anyone. Fuck. That hits different. Wow. Love being odd one out

neo2416

Actually. Would this even be considered family? Like sure, related by blood. Genetics and all. But besides that? I barely know this people. Some of them I don't even know 5 years let alone my life. They know each other. They are family. I'm not tho. Not really. Am I? I don't think I really get the concept of the word. It confuses me. It's somewhat foreign even. At least when it comes to defining those around me. I don't interact with them. Nor they with me. I just disappear somewhere during the holidays and stuff. I forget about their existence. They forget about mine. And while in a way I don't mind. Quite the opposite actually. It's still depressing. Knowing my absence makes no difference just like my presence doesn't

I get that I don't fit in thia family. But damn. Having to sit in the attic as to I don't have to interact with anyone. Fuck. That hits different. Wow. Love being odd one out

#vent

Am fine. Specialist said so. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm healthy. Just with some family issues. I just need to cope properly. That's what she said. I'm all good besides that. I'm perfectly healthy guy. Just everything is good. I'm fine as she put it. I'm okay. I'm peachy. I have no reason to think otherwise. Specialist said so. A private one too. I paid and all. One session to just tell me am fine. I mean I am. There's no reason for ne not to be fine. I have roof over my head, warm food on the table. Shit I even got a PC. I'm fine. I got no reason not to be. It'd be crazy, borderline insane if I wasn't right? I have everything I could ever want right? Am fine. I'm perfectly healthy. Stable and all. I'm okay. Alright by all means. My head is onnmy shoulders. Firmly. I have to be fine

Time flows. Doesn't wait. Not for me. Not for anyone. But, it kinda feels like I'm standing till. While the waters of time pass me by along with people I care about. All of them to seem to get farther and farther away from me. Only I'm standing still. Only I seem to be stuck in one place. Only I seem to be destined to be forgotten.

Every time I feel like this I feel less motivated to fight it. Why should I after all? It comes back. No. It feels more like I mask it. Put a bandaid over it or like painting over the crack on a wall. It feels irreparable. I feel irreparable. It is I who's unchanging. And. I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. I want to! I really do! But, I'm constantly exhausted. I'm constantly fighting something. I'M STILL JUST me. And I cannot change who I am

#thought vomit #sad #depressed #lonely

Mind feels like a battlefield. Full chaos, but also full of silence after every "shot". Absence of feelings feels so busy and full. There's nothing, but it weighs me down as if that nothing is everything. The mass of the universe itself inside of my head. I don't know who I am anymore or what is real. Everything feels so close yet out of reach. Like trying to drink water using a sieve

Yet again, death does not seem like that bad of a thing rn. Rather experience that than this, nothingness. Emptiness. Blandness. Mind just shutting down. Yet it feels so active. The silence and the noise of thoughts blending together. So strange I can barely stay sane. Or am already not just don't know it. Everything and nothing. Just like universe. Infinite possiblities, including possibility of none

I feel like a piece of wood in a middle of the lake

Just rotting away, while all the beautiful scenery around me thrives

But I, simply drift on gentle ripples caused by others

I'm carried by them, a little here, a little there

But I'm still withering away, little by little, day by day

How long will I remain afloat?

How long can I keep myself a top of this glossy mirror?

Only time will tell

#I dunno what this is suppoused to be #A poem?#My feelings put into words?#Idk

I should have known better

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

FUCKING FUCK UP OF A PERSON

SHOULD JUST FUCKING DROP DEAD

Who was I to think of opening up a little now? I can't. I shouldn't. It's better for everyone involved. Just stay in my little bubble. Cuz the bubble is perfect on the outside. People like it. And it keeps me safe from disappointment

#sad #afraid #lonely

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