Recognizing a covert narcissist
They might come off as lonely, insecure, introverted, depressed, sensitive, needy, and will aim at your empathy, signal that nobody ever gave them a proper chance and will lure you in with how much they need you to understand, to empathize, to not abandon them ‘like everyone else did’
There’s going to be an intense connection at the start; you will consider them a wonderful, important and a special person. They will idealize you and bond with you as fast as possible; they will progress the relationship quickly and give you a lot of positive feedback in order for you to get lenient with boundaries, this is the love-bombing phase
Your gut will tell you that something is a little bit off, it might be that they react to something in a way you’d never expect from them, or just seem like something doesn’t add up in their behavior
You will experience cognitive dissonance because they will be feeding you a story about who they are, but their actions will not resonate with who they say they are, there is a difference between what they say and what they do, by the time you realize it might be later in the relationship and you will want to believe their words over actions
They will have an intense need to win, even petty and silly arguments, they will argue even if you have facts and proof on your side, they will twist it around to make themselves look right
If they ever apologize to you, they will still repeat the behaviour they apologized for and pretend as if this is normal and you should have expected it, or, ‘they just can’t help themselves’
They will be an expert at justifying their bad behaviour; they might confess to you they did something awful in the past, but they always point out they had a Good Reason, and if you often feel like 'I wouldn’t have done that’, when they’re telling you a story, it’s a red flag. They make it seem like they had no choice but to make a morally corrupt decision.
You start feeling insecure in the relationship/friendship, you will go from being idealized to being devalued by them, they will start to pick you apart and using your flaws as a justification to hurt you, it will hurt worse because this person once thought the world of you
They might explode in anger when you don’t expect it, get set off by unexpected details and their anger is not proportionate to whatever is going on
They will gaslight you, accuse you of overreacting, being crazy, even if you’re 100% right about what you’re telling them
They will very harshly criticize you and others, but they will always be a victim; the world is against them, they’re stopped from being great by the other people who are 'stupid’ and 'don’t recognize how great they are’, they will bring up hardships and trauma to make you feel guilty and sorry for them, however your issues won’t matter and you will be subjected to very harsh standards of whats expected of you
They will try to make you feel bad about socializing with other people; you will have to listen about their jealousy, insecurity, or they’ll blatantly guilt trip you with 'Why am I not enough for you?’
They will drain your energy with their complaints and expect you to change and modify your behaviour immensely to accommodate their sensitivity, even if you’re celebrating a happy event, they will center their own jealousy or how badly it affected them and you will have to shut up and feel sorry for them instead
It will become apparent at one point that they’re completely lacking in empathy, when they start feeling like they can get away with it, they will openly stop pretending to care about your or anyone’s pain
They will view you in a black and white manner; if you’re fighting they will show open hatred and go way overboard to hurt and defeat you, if you apologize and make peace, they suddenly love you and act as if blatant surge of hatred didn’t just happen or you deserved it
This person seems to forget you exist if you’re not currently around them/talking to them, they’re likely to only remember you if you’re right there or they need you, if you’re away for a longer time they might break up or forget you, they’re likely to cheat even if in relationship with you, but will not admit it, except if they’re using it to hurt you