“She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow it was everything." - The story of a videoclip that resumes my 2015.
Yesterday I didn’t know what to write properly about my 2015 ( what a year!) and didn’t had time to do it cause I went out to party, but today as I arrived home, my friend sent me the new videoclip of Taylor “Out of the Woods” and it was like watching my whole year. She was lost cause she lost her love ( In my case, Malev) and then during all this year she faced many struggles, fights, breakdowns, hot, cold, wolves, trees sufocating her, and in the end even if she was weak and hurt she had strength to get out of the woods and find herself.
In 2015 I was determinated to be clean of my suffering for Malev, but the point was that I was coming back to the same ap. i was living ( and I hated to live there) and the same ward of my church. I wasnt happy, and the subjects of my university were pretty difficult.Then I started to work in a project of my NGO, met new and great people from Latin America, fell in love with a guy of Chile, we danced, we kissed, but then he didn’t want me. I suffered and it was great cause for a while I forgot Malev and Hollow. I enjoyed my vacation time in the best way, learned how to dance, learned a new language and had crazy adventures with my friends. Then I changed my job, and I was in love to work there, but financial problems were stressing me, and in my NGO too cause my members weren’t working. The owners of the ap. wanted me to get out. I was really worried, and I was alone that time cause Hollow was busy with Galasso and didn’t care about me. Then a friend asked me to live with her girlfriend and I went there , we lived in peace for a month but then I had to be host of an exchange student and it sucks because He was really boring and people from the new ap. I was living were hating me. I was alone again, trying to not get stressed with everything, trying to not suffer because of Hollow, trying to study and do my best in my social project.My project was amazing and I did great friends there. I had many adventures with them, and many great moments in my house with them. Then Hollow tells me that He will visit Galasso instead of me. I was devastated. I really wanted him but he was just pushing me away from his life. i was invisible and it made me feel so bad about myself. University sucks, I failed and then I lost my scholarship. I was lost and alone.I was desperated. then my friend borrowed me money and i was trying to fix things but I couldn’t. I tried to go to classes and people only judged me. They didn’t care and helped me. One day in my vacation people invited me to a party, i didn’t wanted to go but I went, and then Hollow called me but we argued and I knew that this was the end. Then I met BK*, and made me feel that my broken heart could be healed, we danced and we kissed, but then he didn’t wanted me. I was alone again. Then in a congress I met Lion. The worst memory ever of my 2015, He just wanted to have sex with me and I felt like he was forcing me and it was not good. Fortunately we didn’t do anything, but then he humiliated me and it made me feel more broken. September began and in the same week I couldn’t get a loan from the government to pay the university, my parents discovers everything , people from my ap. wanted me to get out and Hollow texts me to apologize. I couldn’t handle anymore. I was in a deep and black hole, strongly suffering with depression and I just didn’t know what to do. Then I found a friend I could live with, I found a psychologist and I gave up university to focus on my job and my NGO. It was a looooooong process of recovering, full of ups and a lot of DOWNS, two months of insomnia, I had suicide thoughts and I just wanted to give up everything cause I was too weak. Then I changed my place, changed my ward, started drawing a lot and finally I could sleep and had progress on my treatment. Dealing with hollow was my daily challenge and sometimes he stressed me a lot and made me feel in the hole again.Then he started to date and I just realized I had to give up of this broken story. It IS STILL difficult for me but it’s something I have to face and try to solve. Then in the end my friends helped me to find an exchange opportunity and I just got it. Now in the end of this month I’ll go to Colombia for 6 months and let’s see what this time reserves for me. I’m on the way to find myself , and I really want to find my essence and be free of all those sick thoughts that made me weak all this time. I want to be free of any broken and sick relationship, or friendship, cause I AM TIRED. It’s time to wake up and love myself, cause as RuPaul says “If you don’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else. CAN I GET AN AMEM HERE?”
It’s time to find my own way, apart of any person’s way. It’s time to develop my self confidence, and be strong enough to struggle with my depression and anxiety , cause I know it’s still here.It’s time to be near to God and follow more faithfully my beliefs. It’s time to be Gone and Found.
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