Nerdypipsqueak

Nerd, shipper, pint-sized princess, occasionally beautiful boy. She/He/They. In IFS therapy. I am the sum of all my parts. No minors please.

[nerdypipsqueak]

Before you proceed

After a number of events that occurred over the past year or so I think it’s time to set some ground rules and boundaries. This is for my own mental well-being as well as the protection of my followers and other folks who interact with my posts. Below the rules there is now a little "about me" bit. So here we go (in no particular order):

1. I write fanfiction about men, both white and POC, both in good health and with disabilities or chronic conditions, who engage in loving, committed relationships and have consensual homosexual sex. Sometimes the sex is very vanilla and sometimes it’s on the spicier side. If you can’t handle this kind of content or shouldn’t be viewing it please do not interact.

2. You are welcome to draw fanart of my fics, use my OCs in your own works and generally use my works as inspiration for your own creativity as long as you tag me.

3. I tag all NSFW content, I also post trigger warnings and content warnings. Please heed them.

4. I should not have to say this but... yeah. Please do not feed my content to AI.

5. I am very open to questions, even about IFS. However, bear in mind that this is a highly sensitive topic and I reserve the right to refuse to answer certain questions. My and my system's comfort comes first.

https://www.tumblr.com/nerdypipsqueak/763593698425683968/never-thought-id-be-posting-anything-like-this?source=share

About me:

I'm Kai or Squeak, early thirties (so a Tumblr Old), bilingual, located in the Northwest of England.

I practice a form of therapy called IFS (Internal Family Systems). You are welcome to ask me about it, however, bear in mind that this is a highly sensitive topic. My and my system's comfort comes first.

My fandoms: Lawrence of Arabia, A Dangerous Man: Lawrence after Arabia, Star Wars, The Terror, Star Trek Deep Space 9, Conclave.

My ships: Lawrence/Feisal, Lawrence/Ali, Garashir, John Bridgens/Harry Peglar, Stephen Stanley/Alexander McDonald (with the occasional Goodsir), Darth Vader/Admiral Piett, Thomas Cardinal Lawrence/Vincent Cardinal Benítez.

My Star Wars OCs: Malakai ten Meer and Faustus Alaire-Ordeshi.

[nerdypipsqueak]

I have now seen not one but two shows about murderers that have made me feel bad for the murderer: the Paul Bettany show about the Unabomber, and "Monster, the Ed Gein story".

What it says about me is one thing, what it says about modern media though...

[elecctromechanika]

LoA + Arabic Poetry

[classichorrorblog]

Hellraiser (1987)

[internetusercucumber]

The Sun and the Stars

[lordcastaway]

I sicken myself. That's the joke. Not a schoolboy joke. Just–a–joke. Lawrence of Arabia — the soulless wonder–

[lordcastaway]

He [Feisal] was encouraged even by the trifle of my coming; for he was a man of moods, flickering between glory and despair, and just now dead-tired. He looked years older than thirty-one; and his dark, appealing eyes, set a little sloping in his face, were bloodshot, and his hollow cheeks deeply lined and puckered with reflection. His nature grudged thinking, for it crippled his speed in action: the labour of it shrivelled his features into swift lines of pain.

[inesk-art]

A kiss in an alley OR What if we kissed beneath the overly romanticized portrait of myself? The more I read about TE, the more I become interested in his life after the war. I dearly love The Mint and all the little bits of information about him and his tank corps/air force friends. Inspirations: That one photo of him, another photo of him, the painting of Augustus John and a little bit Leyendecker.

[cotttntail]

innocence

[oedipusv0mit]

[oedipusv0mit]

[dr-george-ordell]

Currently locked out the house, but im reading this PDF I found of "A Prince of Our Disorder,".

The introduction has let me know im in for an absolute ride 😭. I hope it's similar to Alice Miller in a way that is in terms of delving into his childhood very deeply.

Absolutely beautiful sketch, too. Lawrence in pictures and sketches looks very northern english, I know a couple of men who look similar or uncannily just like him where I live in Yorkshire.

[cecile-art]

For your consideration

[nerdypipsqueak]

I posted in early October 2024 about a situation involving another content creator. I said back then that I didn't want to leave the fandom circles I'd been isolated from, that I refused to be isolated from them. I don't think that back then when I was typing those words I fully realised just how seriously I'd been affected by That Person and her treatment of me.

In the months that have passed I've noticed that I'm calmer, much less anxious, I have more clarity. I am doing things. I volunteer at a small museum, I completed one college course and am on the way to completing another, I've started going to church again (C of E!). I'm dating. I'll soon be moving into a new flat, all on my own. I've confronted and accepted that I'm trans/non-binary (and That Person's attitude towards the LGBTQIA community oddly enough prompted me to take a closer look at my own feelings and thoughts there).

But I'm also struggling with things that used to bring me joy. I'm struggling to write, be it Pieder, my OCs, or other pairings in other fandoms. I still sometimes think about all the things I wrote for That Person, things that I put massive effort into but was forbidden from ever sharing with anyone else. For crying out loud, I wrote a fic with dialogue in a language I don't functionally speak but am somewhat familiar with by virtue of the kinds of music I listen to! Now it just sits in my Google Docs because I can't do anything with it and I wouldn't dream of posting it as it contains Her OCs. I still think about the OCs, partially because of how problematic they were (which I didn't see when I was stuck in the constant VCs and the cycles of hot and cold), and partially because I still have a little bit of love for them. And sometimes I still think about Her. I don't miss her and I don't want her to come back into my life because I know that she just cannot handle other people being happy and having good things happen for them, and she would do everything in her power to hold me back. But I look at post-election America and, bearing in mind That Person's politics, I find myself worrying if She's ok, if she's been impacted by the cuts to EBT and other forms of welfare. I don't have it in me to think "serves you right for the way you voted". She's been through horrible things that made her the way She is now but She needs help and a very serious "come to Jesus" moment, not punishment.

I didn't want to let myself be affected by the situation with That Person but lets face it, I can't pretend that I'm not affected. My writing is affected, I am now more a lurker than an active creator in fandom spaces, and there is grief, there is sadness. Writing was so fundamental to me. It was how I explored things like relationships, identity, sex, love, loss. Not being able to do that has been... difficult. I don't know if I will ever be able to write fic again. I'm trying to treat this as a "new season in life", a time of change and searching, but that doesn't make it any less difficult or scary.

[marielism]

brush test

[steblynka-draws]

Lawrence x Benitez forced roommates AU

[antonivs]

imagine uttering the words "that firm hand of yours has its admirers" followed by THIS expression...aldo you might not know yourself but i know exactly what you are