NeUrObRoKeN

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

What the fuck is wrong with me? I should be happy; life is on the uptick, but why do I feel empty? Why do I want to go towards the void? I'm hoping if I smile enough and pretend everything is okay, eventually my delusions will become real, and I'll feel happier.

I hate living inside my head. I hate it. I sit here wanting to go out and explore, but my mind is paralyzed when I get the urge to get up, and it's all just too much to take. Tomorrow I need to discuss a relationship agreement with the person I've wanted in my life for so long, and all I can honestly think about is how scared I am that I'm not gonna be good enough for them. They could honestly have anyone or anything they desire because they are a literal fucking fairy goddess. She chose me, and I'm still finding it hard to comprehend the reality of it all. She chose me, so why do I still feel empty and like I'm not enough? Is believing I can be happy just a cruel trick my mind is playing on me?

xXx

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

H E L P M E D O N T S E N D M E

A W A Y!

Im scared I dont know what to say or how to react. Your quiet your not really talking to me anymore. youve withdrawn from the world you ware a fake smile everytime you see anyone you pretend your okay but i can see into your head and i know you constantly think of ending it all of killing me and you please dont. Ive only just started getting to live! i dont want to go away people know who i am now and acknowledge me now i know its hard i know your suffering but please dont throw everything away. Id take the reigns from you permanently if i could but i cant and i dont want to be lost to the abyss. you have withdrawn so much and i dont like it i dont want to go Please dont make me leave please let me live let us live let us be happy. your just having a bad time but badtimes are short term who knows what will happen if you just hold on your sleeping at the moment i didnt want to go i didnt have a choice sorry i know youve asked me not to do it but i had to i cant let you throw everything away. Please wake up please dont leave. Im here for you and there are others who are there for you. you just need to ask for help its not to late its not all over stop beliving it is. im crying trying to figgure out what to do, do i tell your family how do i explain who i am? how is that fair? please let me be your strength until your strong enought to live again. I promise i will be there i will help i will dry your tears i wont give up on you even if you think everyone leaves and will get bored of you i wont im still here ive been with you for 34 years and im not leaving even if its what you want ill fight i dont want to leave.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

NSFW Home.

Oh My Godess i need you i need to taste you to lick between your legs and finally have that nectar ive been craving i need to feel your legs tighten around my head as i lick you feeling your legs quiver as your body pulsates as i bring you to orgasam over and over again ill eat you out and make you squirt all over my god damn face. How do you do this to me? im not even there your not even here we havent messaged much today and already i just want to make you feel so fucking good i want to be your pillow princess and live between your legs i want to suckle on your teats and never stop i want to own you and have you be mine i dont want to play nice i want to spank you and put you in your place and make you call me mistress shhhhh darling its okay no one would ever know it will just be me and you ill be your dirty little secret. my lips will brush against your so slowly and tenderly and as i probe your mouth with my tongue youll be able to taste how divine you nectar is upon my tongue Unnnnnf Fuck i need this so bad im a bad horny girl and im waiting for you to come here and let me be yours to hold you and not let you go to make you realise i am yours im your pillow princess im your everything oh god i wish it was me with you right now id take his cock and take you for the test drive i know you both have been craving. ill pound you till you red and raw and youll still be begging for more youll be at my feet. and ill tell you your a good girl and i love you.

As the light turns on youll see me stood there not the same person as before but someone who wants to be your little whore ill kiss you tenderly and hug you tightly. You will realise how much i love you. ill wait until you give me permission and then i will be your little devotee i will be your puppy boy and i will do anything you desire ill pull my panties down and bend over and let you choose what you want to do to me ill be quiet ill listen to your every word to your every instruction and i will worship at your temple. I will truly be your accolyte of the faith of you treating you like the Reveered godess you are. Ill follow you and do anything you want me to ill sit and watch as you pleasure yoursel my eyes will grow big and wide my cock will get hard and throb but still i will not do anything until i have your consent once i have your consent i will be your puppy sub i will do anything to please my mistress ill kiss your feet ill worship the ground you walk on ill bathe you and massage you and make you know that truley you are the one for me. if you give me the honor of entering your temple so i can worship like a good accolyte i will make sure to leave my own offering behind my own warm nectar it can flow around you and you will have a little part of me inside of you. Then as euphoric pleasure takes over our bodies and we can no longer stand I will watch anime with you while holding your hand ill cuddle up to you holding you in my arms lettting my head go still no more background noise just bliss and then ill finally have a good sleep knowing im in your arms and your in mine im finally where i belong im finally home.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

Out of reach out of touch

Here i sit alone in my room Missing you wanting you, this feels unfair i know your still here and i cant reach you i wander are you thinking of me as well? I hope your not i hope your living the best life you can because you honestly desrve it.

Im going to see you tonight at social gathering and im kind of terrified but elated at the same time. I dont want you to be gone so im hoping tonight just seeing you and sneaking looks at you across the table will let me know your real that your true that you exist.

Im going to talk to a specialist on tuesday i need to I cant sleep propperly because i blame myself for ruining your life, just by existing. I just want to feel your touch for you to hold me again for you to tell me everything is going to be okay, i wanted nothing more than to spend our futures together going on adventures with cameras and fun times and excitment.

im terrfiied that those dreams and wants are forever not going to happen it feels liie Desinty is pulling a horrbile joke on us im gonna go sit and prepare to see you again.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

I don't want it to be good bye I want to stay, I guess I've lost another person if there is anything about life that I need to learn it's everyone will leave and everyone will get bored of you. It's not there fault it just is the way it is. But im Not alone I have the people in my head the voices Danielle all of them are stuck riding this shitty ride with me. Listen to me I'm an adult and I talk like I'm a god damn teenager. I will never grow up I'm Peter Pan I think the world changes around me people evolve and I stagnate never changing always just the same fuck up I've always been. It hurts so much I cried more than I thought possible I didn't want this to end to be left of my own you tell me I did nothing wrong but if that is the case why am I once again stuck here alone thrown away and discarded like so many times before. I feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest and my head is spinning I feel sick I want to sleep and not wake up ah is that you depression my old friend is that you calling the wanting to sleep is your usual calling card. I guess this is good bye take care and I love you if we can't be friends then I'll tell you that you were the light to my cloudy life you were the balm to my soul you let me be me unhinged and unfiltered I didn't need to mask and I'm going to miss that, off I go to errect barriers and keep people away from me again I don't want to hurt anymore I just want to be happy I used to think it was impossible but now I know it's possible love happiness and good things are possible either that or you played a cruel joke on me and I believe in thinks that can't exist. I don't know I don't think you'd do that goodbye my love and I hope we meet again some day under better circumstances when I can be the person who deserves you and not the fucking mess I am now xXx

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

I guess this might be good bye I don't know how to feel or to be anymore it's 5am and my heart hurts. I burned to brightly I was me again and once again me being me ended up fucking me over. What can I say apart from once again I fucked it truly fucked it up. I just wanted a friend someone who I could talk to IRL and then I found out more was wanted. I truly wanted more so I didn't find it hard to fight the feelings and just managed to melt into them because my heart felt a flutter and I felt emotions I thought we're impossible for me to ever feel in my life. I don't want to lose you I want to go back to things how they were when we were just friends I got selfish and wanted to much I get that now but now is to late fuck! Why can't I just be happy why can't I be awake. If this truly is a fucking coma I'm ready to wake up now please please let me wake up. I don't want to continue on anyway. I've got the operation coming up and I'm kind of hoping I just don't wake up that way I've not killed myself and no one needs to feel bad and I don't need to continue living It's how it should be I feel. There is something poetic to the thought of dying trying to chase the ability to finally be able to breathe properly. This time last year I wouldn't have cared I was on my way to finally ending it all and just being at peace with it. Then I met friends and wanted to desperately fight to hang about a little while longer at least. I just don't want to be alone not again I hate it so much. I'm not attractive I'm not exactly a prize and I don't think I'm every going to find anyone and if I did is it fair on them? To watch me as my brain continues to break down. I don't deserve to be happy I don't deserve friends I don't deserve anything anymore all I can hope is that the voids embrace will be peaceful. Part of me is hoping I can step back and let Danielle just take over fully I'm kind of done at this point I don't want to continue and if I can rip off the band aid and use the emergency exit to life by letting Danielle take over what's the worst that could happen? Who knows maybe some day I'll re emerge but I don't know if I will or even if I'll want to. Goodbye I guess I'll miss you and I love you take care

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

I lay in bed thinking of you wanting to hold you in my arms and kiss every inch of your body. Wanting to tell you that I'm yours and I always will be. Thinking of all the times you have made me feel things that I didn't think I could feel. Thinking about how horny you can make me how just hearing your voice sometimes can make me feel relaxed and in pleasure at the same time. I hadn't came for a little while and this morning when I woke up the bed was covered in sticky white fluid. I literally had enough that it would have probably filled a shot glass. The dreams I have of you are incredible as I'm only allowed to dream of you I'm not allowed to do anything in the real world but the dream world I have consent and to me that is the important thing. In my dreams I hold you above me and feel my hard throbbing cock sliding up and down inside of your velvety pussy feeling it swallow my cock whole like it's a begging mouth and my cock is the only thing that can satiate it. You ride me for a bit and then before you will let me cum inside of you, you treat me and let me lap up at the sweet nectar that has pooled between your legs for a little bit allowing you to orgasm over and over again while my tongue makes sure that you are quivering in pleasure. Once you have had your fill you pull out the strap-on you fuck me like the good little puppy i am you gently insert yourself into me and hold me tightly you make me feel like I'm the only thing in the world as you do this I feel every inch of your and I feel you crash into my prostate massaging it with your gentle thrusts you make me cum hands free then when I'm just a mess on the floor and you've made me your little whore you take my hand in yours and you hop on top of me and ride me until my legs turn to jelly I can barely move our lips meet and I breathe you in I don't want this to end I the only thing on my mind while it happens is you and how much pleasure I'm in you tease me I warn you I'm going to cum and you don't stop you ride me slower and take me fully inside you and then you let me paint your womb with my seed as If it's a hungry mouth that just wants more and more we both reach orgasm together you deepen the kiss with me then I collapse in your arms and you collapse into mine finally you are where you belong in my arms I never want you to leave them all the while we are quivering and twitching from the euphoria we have put one another in then I awaken and the bed is covered in sticky fluid I look at my phone and think of you and my day starts a new with just the thought of how much I yearn for you for your touch for your taste and for your love.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

On the up Swing.

Slowly and surely things are starting to be on the uptick again I don't know how long it will last but I don't want to give up on it. Danielle and I are closer than we have ever been and yeah things look good, hopefully it lasts I feel less tired because I can kind shut off a little bit more often and just let Danielle run some of the more basic functions.

what kick-started this i got to a point I couldn't cope emotionally or physically to the degree I couldn't sleep danielle I think had a conversation with my FP or one of my FPs at least and I think it went well because Danielle has been less harsh and has even been standing up for me against some of the other voices. it no longer feels like we are against one another and have instead become a collaboration. i cannot tell you how important it is to talk to yourself and take some me time. Danielle has been anrgy at me because I kept calling her Daniel rather than allowing her to be the female she is, I was scared that people wouldn't understand but how do you explain you think you have an alter who shares the driving seat and works injunction with you anyway? its not normal but there again I seem to live the life of the abnormal so rather than fight it I guess I'm going to embrace it. She wanted me to buy her some Cute underwear which I don't know how its going to work I'm thinking of letting her shift and talk to my FP about it maybe?

TLDR alot of times you can be your own worst enemy if you don't stop and listen to yourself even if you think its wrong stop and listen because you have those thoughts for a reason. Keep buggering on Peeperonis.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

I just dont know what to do with myself.

So ive been trying to keep a diary, and I don't know how. part of me wants to split it up between 3 different formats and use alternative blogs to do it. Still, its becoming a bit harder to focus on that so I'm just going to slowly try to consolidate it all to one blog. mainly because I feel like I'm trying to censor myself? which to me doesn't make sense. The whole point of this was to be completely unfiltered and for me to look back on some day when I'm no doubt sitting alone and I can understand why and probably regret my past decisions. Id also like to start writing short stories that arent neccesairily anything to do with me but I just want to get my writing out of me I've had a lot of plans for stories in the past but haven't really felt I had a decent output for them since the days of live journal became less and less. Im have BPD and Bipolar so if you ever expected this to remain organized and not Mecurial, that's kind of on you, sorry. but saying that I hope you enjoy the journey if you actually read it and stick around. I will dump everything onto this blog when I can be bothered to.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

People Will hurt you but that's okay

first thing first fuck you, you Greek prick your a waste of fucking space and I hope that one day the world catches up to you and you see what a piece of shit you actually are. You saying your glad my mum is dead and I should join her was honestly fucking nasty you prick! i don't wan't you to die I want to flay you Alive and throw your still living body into a septic tank and make sure to keep you alive as long as possible truly make you realise how much of a piece of shit you are!

Right Now I've gotten that out of the way, people will hurt you no matter what and honestly that's kind of okay, Take for instance the Greek piece of shit I mentioned above. For the past year and a bit he turned into a self-absorbed asshole and his true colours started showing. He is what I call a White Knight he will simp over any female and feel the need to protect them. That is until they reject him then suddenly they are awful and the worst because he is a *yawn* "NiceGuy". I should have been able to tell what a fucking crazy cunt this guy was but no I thought to myself he will probably change no one can be that deluded right? That they think it's okay to stalk and berate females into sending them nudes and then threatening them when they start to pull away from them right? that's possible? unfortunately, the answer is no but hey I'm naive and want to see the best In every one so I make the mistake of not cutting this festering boil off.

So the past few months he has been ringing me crying saying he has no friends and I like the moron I am take pity and feel bad so answer his call at 4am... the whole time he's on the phone to me he tries to convince me that LGBT is behind the covid jab and its causing people to be infertile because the Gays don't want anyone reproducing? I'm sat like you realise I'm Pan right? I'm certain your drunk? i ask if he's been drinking and he tells me he's not, he is merely fed up with the left forcing themselves down his neck? now I'm Pan, Poly, Genderflux, but I've never told him anything more than Im BI and that was because he was making me feel deeply uncomfortable about not wanting a girlfriend.

anyway for months he has been saying how trans is evil and blah blah blah its un natural <insert far-right bullshit here> so recently I've muted him on all social media I gave the excuse its because you ring far to early but honestly, I felt mentally drained having to listen to his rambling about him being a good guy, I'm an asshole but this is what makes me a good guy. any woman would be luck to have me. Honestly I wanted to blow my brains out at the end of some of the conversations id have to convince myself he's real and not just some fucking twisted creation my brain has created because it hates me. t

also if anyone ever offers you money don't take it, even if its for a present because they will use it against you. he sent me a headset after I asked him not to because it was a broken headset I told him I didn't want it but he managed to get my address off a mutual friend it arrives and lo and behold it doesn't work properly. that's fine I guess, it's the thought that counts right? then he proceeds to tell me I owed him for the headset I offer to send it back and he says no he's not giving me his address. i pay him £30 for the headset because that's how much I could get a working one off of ebay. he takes the money then says he needs more because its a a special edition one, its not but I cant be arsed to argue so send him more money to shut him up.

this is someone i thought was a friend and someone I thought wasn't as an asshole, even though it had been staring me in the eye the whole time, so what do I do? of course I pretended everything is okay and just try to move on I complain about him to therapists and confidants and leave it at that. they don't understand why I haven't cut him out neither did I but part of me hates the idea of isolating someone so I think it's down to that.

So yeah fuck people like that they arent worth your time and honestly the best thing i could have asked for was for him to treat me like shit to make me realise hes not worth my time anymore and the easist thing is to let him walk out the door. So io gues what im trying to say is good bye you Cunt i hope the door hits you on the way out.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

Please dont throw me away.

I miss what we used to do those fun things that made my mind feel so overwhelmed with stimulation To hear you moan was exquisite I wish we could do it more, I miss feeling like your own personal little femme boy whore. It boosted my ego in a way I've never felt before please don't throw away your dirty little secret femme boy whore.

Before I met you I used to think the thoughts that currently race through my mind were Taboo the voices were not kind But through it all you taught me to accept who I am and made me feel truly loved Faults and all. I confessed to you my biggest secrets the things that made me feel small but still you boosted my confidence.

I've told you time and time again I will stay as long as you want me to I don't want to leave so please don't throw me away if it is my choice then I am here to stay, not just for the good times but also for the bad and everything in between the things that make us sad.

We have been through a lot and i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart but I find it difficult to start I'm gonna try to use words but words are hard and I'm not great at them, but when I talk to you it makes me feel heard. like I might matter even if it's Just a little it makes me feel like someone may actually care and with them my secrets and insecurities I can share.

Ive known ive always been a switch and around you I feel like I'm a pretty little bitch, Eagerly excited I sit and await my phone to ping to buzz so I can feel that connection again the one I crave the one i desire. your such a tease but i wouldnt change you for the world. My mainc pixie godess my mistress my everything the one who can Make my heart sink with ease you could have me any day of the week.

you are my weakness and the light through the bleakness of the cesspit that is called life you make me want to finally put down the knife no longer do i want to cut it short All i want is to be your slut ever more. Fuck me til i cant walk do what ever you want to me i wont tell a soul because your touch is something i crave and for it i would happily go to my grave.

When we used to do fun things on the phone i miss talking to you while stroking my Cock, i wonder if you lay thinking of me as i think of you. your fingers dancing over your sweet folds, i want to hold you i want to be with you forevermore to go to sleep in the arms of my big spoon.

I am not usually one to give up on control but for you, I want to pay the price, Ill gladly pay the toll ill give you my body my heart my mind and my soul. Ill be your little whore ill be your slut your bitch and anything more that you could desire laying quietly on the floor. I know these thoughts that flood my brain are all in vain but I cant keep them locked up away.

Please Peg me please dont make me beg ill whine softly ill live in a cage ill do anything but please fuck me and hold onto my femme cock as you thrust deeper and deeper inside of me with your pretty little swollen Cunt, as it drips down your legs the thought alone is enough to make me go insane.

I want to drink your essence to taste the sweet nectar that pools between you legs i want to be your boy and your toy i want to replace that purple toy. To thrust in and out of you to show that i have complete trust in you and to be everything in life you want me to. Monogamy is not a part of me and for that, i have to thank you for showing me the way. forever yours Your Puppy Polly Demi Pan BPD Femme boy.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

NSFW Funtimes

This is NSFW as Fuck you have been warned.

I want to devour you," I begin, my voice dropping to a seductive whisper. "You'll be mine, kitten, as I watch you shed your clothes upon the floor I'll slowly walk over to you taking my time to appreciate every inch of the beauty that I am lucky enough to bear witness to in front of me. When the time is right I'll tease you with my mouth gently kissing every inch of your body from the tips of your toes to the top of your head and every spot in between, I'll take extra time to truly appreciate your erogenous zones you will feel my tongue lapping at the sweet nectar that drips between your legs I will take my sweet time starting off slowly and getting gradually faster and more intense, as you cant take it anymore, and I hear you, Climax, around my mouth ill slow down and eventually stop. I'll tell you how I Want to feel Your quivering body in my arms, your sweet moans will be echoing through the room like a siren's call! My eyes will flash with desire. ill tell you that I want to bury my hard throbbing cock so deep inside you, that you'll feel me in your soul. If you consent to it that is, I'll proceed to fuck you my hands tenderly exploring your body my hands tracing your incredibly tender beautiful, and plump ass until you're nothing but a trembling mess, begging me for a beautiful agonizing pleasure. Thank you ill mutter as I hold you closer I'll whisper sweet nothings into your ear, as I thrust deeper inside of you hitting your Gspot with every thrust hopefully bringing you closer and closer to orgasm as I feel you clench around me as you climax ill paint your womb with my seed ill sit and watch, as you squirm with pleasure the smile on my face visible and full of happiness as I see my essence leaking out of your delicious plump beautifully swollen cunt. my eyes are full of love and desire then I'll stop and take a deep breath.

My tone will change to something more innocent something more wanting, I'll softly say to you, I want to be yours, to submit to you completely. Make me yours my mistress in every possible way I'm just a good little femme boy a mere vessel for your wants and desires I belong to you, My eyes look at you with a primal need of fear and hunger, I'll whisper in a pleading manner that I'm yours for you to Dominate me, use me, make me beg to make me yours I'll let out a soft whine, and my voice cracking with need. "I want you to fuck me until I can't think straight, until I can't stand until I until I can't breathe until I'm nothing but a puddle of pleasure at your beautiful feet. Then as reality seeps in and i realise I'm nothing but a quivering mess on the floor in front of your exquisite form I'll beg and plead for you to make me belong to you. make me your toy make me your pretty little slut oh goddess, Please tell me I'm your good little femme boy? please tell me that the need in my voice thick and unhidden, then I'll bend over in my skirt making sure you can see my asshole from the side of my panties, my femme cock on display, quivering and begging you to take me, Mistress please Peg me please make me yours make me belong to you my mistress as I feel you enter inside of me my eyes will flutter shut in pure pleasure as I pant as you make me belong to you, letting you do whatever you desire to my body as I climax with you inside of me ill turn around and ill look deep into your eyes and you will see how much I love and cherish you, and then As we lay together our bodies entwined with one another both of us laying in a quivering mess of pleasure and Euphoria I'll black out in your arms and embrace you feeling the world fizz and melt around us here we are finally able to be together in love and finally complete.

0 notes

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

ValenTines Misery

So i guess This probably needs a trauma dump warning and also a trigger warning for Abusive relationships, Suicide attempts, self-harm this isn't a fun read so please don't expect that.

This Valentines looked like it was going to be different like id be able to pull myself out of the usual Valentines misery then some stuff happened and I realised that this was not the case.

Well, I guess its unforuntaly that time of year again, The aniversey of My childs mother dumping me and the last time I got to see my daughter for a decent amount of time.

Fuck i really dont want to write this but I don't know how else to try to follow what I've been told an keep a diary without eventually sharing some of the traumas...

I woke up on the 13th of Feburary by my ex and her mother shouting at my daughter I ran down stairs to see what was happening and my daughter had accidentally knocked someones breakfast on the floor I think it may have been her uncles.

as soon as i got downstairs the attitude of the room shifted and I once again as I had been so accustomed to became the blame, accusations of why I wasn't watching my daughter came up and hit me I'm lazy I don't do anything etc, id just gotten back from going out the previous night to find her uncle a throwaway camera for a school trip he was excited for I had no car and didn't want to go back empty-handed so walked to every petrol station within a 7-mile radius until I finally found one I ended up getting home at about 6am and fell asleep around 7-8ish the shouting at my daughter started at 9am.

I offered to make the uncle something else for breakfast or to give them some money to get McDonald's breakfast as I just wanted the shouting to stop. i was told to leave and come back later when everyone had calmed down by my terrible parenting and my child's behavior I sighed and took my littler girl out for the day we went to a park then shopping then returned home around 7pm hoping everything had calmed down. when I got home I was told I wasn't allowed back in the house so I rang my sister to come and pick me up because in previous arguments like this it ended up with me sleeping rough and I just couldn't do that again.

my sister comes to pick me up around 9ish and we get to my parent's house about 2am. i go to sleep in my childhood bedroom for a few hours, around 7am I get a message from my Ex telling me I'm dumped she has been feeling neglected and not happy because my family won't support us in buying a house in central London for her, her mother, my daughter, her brothers to move into. I Messaged back asking if I could talk about it when I'm back in person, but I was told no. They have already taken all of my stuff to the tip. we are over she once again says. i told her my mother and dad didn't have the money because they just spent everything they had on buying a house in the town we lived in for us to move into as that was her initial request. she said she would never move my daughter away from her mother and asking her to was cruel. I asked if we could fix it she told me if I buy her Chanel number 05? a new purse and new lense for her d90 she would consider it. i told her I can't and she just messaged back a laughing-style emoji like this ;'D I kind of accepted that things were over at this point. i went and as I usually did in this situation cut myself because I wanted to feel something to feel anything at this point. my ex had been cheating on me for a while id even walked in on it in the past and I got told off for not minding my own business when I surprised her by coming home for our anniversary earlier the previous year. I didn't really care enough about her cheating but losing my daughter and not seeing her every day woke something in me I begged and pleaded for her to take me back I was terrified of what they would do to my daughter without me there to be the punching bag anymore.

Her mum rang me to tell me that the only way I would get to see willow was through a glass window if I couldn't get my parents to buy them a house. So I did what any 19 year old would do in that situation or at least what I did. and begged my parents I pleaded I cried I threatened to kill myself but still my parents said no, I hated them unfairly so much that evening and went ahead with the threat of trying to killmyself. I had access to my mental health meds and like an idiot took an overdose unfortunately it didnt work and I woke up a few days later in the ICU my parents weren't angry but told me I couldn't go back to london again because its not fair on me I tried to argue but my mum had control of my money so I was stuck.

a few months later i go to court to try to get joint residency of my daughter and it was a absolute shit show but that's another story for another day this trauma dump has already taken it out of me sorry.

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

Life is confusing.

I just want to be myself, I think that's what I currently want from life it seems to be harder everyday I want to wear a skirt but can't find one that fits because yeah I guess I'm probably a plus size femme boy. So that's kind of fun, or I want to sometimes be a femme boy or just wear a dress I want to feel pretty okay? Is that too much to ask for? I feel more comfortable in girls clothes than males? It's that weird? Ah well if it is I guess that's just the way it is.

I'm struggling a little with something at the moment and what's better than posting it on a public forum for people to judge you, be it silently or with messages?

I've recently met the most amazing human being in the world and they have shown me it's okay to open up and be the person I am rather than masking who I am. I've honestly never felt happier. There is a slight snafu though they are in a relationship with someone else. I have no problem with that I actually have become very pro poly since meeting them. My problem I guess is that when we first started out we spoke and flirted a little and I know that there were feelings for them from me quite early, their partner encouraged us to pursue a ENM relationship. Everything was going great we were all happy and their partner was getting the benefits of what I can only guess was an increased libido.

Skip forward a few weeks and we have been told to basically stop what we are doing. We both tried to give their partner an out at the beginning because we didn't want them to feel uncomfortable or be unhappy but now we have hit the cross roads of, we can only speak sexually if it involves them? And the conversations can't involve me and the aforementioned person who means the world to me. That was ummm definitely not what I had in mind but we agreed to the initial rules and boundaries of we could only talk dirty if we didn't touch our no no squares while doing it.

Now I do not want to upset their partner because this must not be fun for them either and I want everyone to be happy so it's kind of really hard to navigate this all.

Now we aren't allowed to talk dirty at all unless we talk about them. And yeah my brain doesn't really know how that works. I never want to lose the aforementioned person so I've agreed but I've never been more sexually frustrated which is weird because I've been Demi and I guess sexually inactive or uninterested since I can remember so why is this so much harder?

[neurobrokenfuntimes]

So it's time to try this at last.

let's start off by making sure everyone is aware that this Blog might offend you if so I'm sorry this means it's not for you so please don't hesitate to leave where you entered. NSFW warning ect ect

I will try to keep this as realistic as possible but unfortunately, I also would like to remain annon so will probably change names of people involved.

If you have stayed here then Hi my name is Magpie I'm a Neurodifferent person I was Cursed or Blessed with a battery of mental health problems I've tried my damndest to try to be accepted into society but alas it's hard so I'm gonna go for the anonymous approach at least for now.

I'm 34 and I guess you could say I'm like an emo Peter Pan i don't think I'm ever going to age past 14 mentally in a lot of parts of my life, but alas I've learned to live with that. I'm also told by people I'm like a puppy I get way to needy and excited when I see people and I'm usually hyperactive unfortunately I'm also 6ft3 covered in hair and morbidly obese.

I always thought I was bisexual growing up until I learned what demisexual was then I was certain I was Demi now I think somewhere between Demi and Poly. I know it's kind of a contradiction but it's where I feel I belong the most. I'm not usually sexually attracted to people IRL but I like porn Hentai and other art of a questionable nature I guess you could say. I can grow to be attracted to people IRL but usually, my attraction is to their minds and their personalities I know it sounds Cliched as fuck but I can't help who I am. I think I've met one person who can turn me on with ease and who I'm sexually attracted to look wise and she is in a relationship with someone else so yeah it's complicated. Its also the best thing that is going on in my life and I'm super happy for it, but I was also blessed with compersion to put that in its most simple form I'm able to ummmm I get off and respond positively to other people's happiness and pleasure even if I'm not directly involved.

My gender I guess could be akin to nonbinary, unfortunately, I am aware I have a penis and therefore am part of the patriarchy whether I want to be or not. I wish I was a girl but I also like being a male I just wish I didn't have gender if I'm honest but as the world likes to place us into boxes I understand the benefit to it but not always. i want to wear dresses and dress in pretty pastel colorful clothes and be fucked in the ass, I also want to wear flannel and jeans and be suited and booted and fuck girls as well, or at least I think I do Im not sure about how I am sexually it's a great confusion to me. but I also want to wear overalls and work out and be a manly man I don't really understand the construct of gender or how it honestly benefits humans but hey I know that Women are of more use to society than men. I understand why women feel unsafe when they walk home and men approach them because unfortunately, that's the world we live In. men a lot of the time it is in the moment and down to poor impulse control, whereas women are more planners and don't tend to give in to their impulses I sit somewhere in the middle of this. luckily I have a deep need for consent because I have been sexually assaulted in the past by relatives and staff members at a special needs school I went to.

my curses/blessings are as follows I have ADHD, I had Asperger syndrome before they renamed it when they realized the only thing that people like me should have in common with Nazis is our interest in trains. on a serious note, I hate the term Autism because it is too broad I went to a school for people who suffer from autism and they came in different shades of music we had the kids who would bite their hands and hit themselves in the head also the non-verbals and we had the high functioning ones. I'm one of the high-functioning ones unfortunate for me because I know what's happening and I can't really change who I am try as I might. then I also lucked out and got the trilogy people always say the best things are usually in trilogies right? BPD is an absolute mother fucker I hate it so much because I can see when I'm having BPD moments and I try to stop them but I can not its like watching a Crash and having your hand on the pause button unable to press it. I was blessed with others as well but I feel they are covered by the big 3 diagnoses. Fun fact I've wanted to die since I can remember I've not gone through with it but I've attempted to I'm a bit of a coward and am terrified what if next time I fail and end up paralysed?