Bad Again™

nikki (she/they). vent blog. pro self-dx. feel free to talk to me or to ask for advice!✨anxiety, depression, ocd, adhd, etc. main

[neuroces]

and for posterity’s sake, what I look like these days :)

[neuroces]

ok firstly I’m traumatized, not crazy, so jot that down

[neuroces]

I was saying this because I was speaking out about my numerous SA and didn’t want people to invalidate everything I was saying or my testimonies because I was also mentally ill!!! “crazy” became political

[rosy-suggestion-blog]

Concept: It’s 6 years from now, you are vacationing with your other half in a stunning oceanview apartment that you found online, it’s night, the air is crisp and the sound of the crashing waves makes you think about your younger self who was so terrified about things not falling into place; you wish you could go back in time and show yourself how great things are going to be 

[neuroces]

it’s now been six years since I reblogged this and :,) things did become so great

[neuroces]

I also want to point out that I’ve never been diagnosed with bpd. my ptsd diagnosis isn’t exactly clear in that some psychs have me down with ptsd (one nurse labeled me as bipolar) but my current psych says I don’t currently fit the criteria for ptsd (or autism since I asked). I was officially diagnosed with adhd a decade ago.

but that doesn’t invalidate the overlapping symptoms that resonated with me at the time I wrote a lot of this content. and it’s also just one professional’s opinion.

without getting into my views on self diagnosis and its merits and drawbacks, I just wanted to be transparent in case this added needed context.

ultimately, mental health is complex and is deserving of our attention and conversation without judgment.

[neuroces]

omg I forgot about this page LMAO

soooo so SO much has changed and yet nothing has changed at all???

I’m definitely more “actualized” than I was when I started this blog. actually been in therapy for 2 years now and I love my psych so much. I have more command over my life than I ever did but I’m also still working towards accepting the ways in which my brain clashes with this capitalistic hellscape. also building a life around my neurodivergency instead of trying to “fix” it. I only try to relieve myself of my anguish for my own quality of life.

I understand a lot of the tongue in cheek shit I said here probably read as “throwing crazy people under the bus.” I never expected that particular post to get as much attention as it did all these years later and I pretty vividly remember why I wrote it. It was my own “fuck you” to the people in university who labeled me the crazy girl.

looking back, yeah I was “crazy” but also so fucking what. let’s not attach stigma to our mental illnesses because they’re uncomfortable. I learned so much about myself and I guess what it means to be human when I was crazy. there’s a lot from that time that I can’t even remember because my mental health was so so bad, although some parts are very distinct (like why I even made this blog)

anyways, I’m not really online in the capacity I once was. I mostly stick to Instagram because of my career but even that’s been more inactive. I’ll probably reblog or post shit on here from time to time (?) instead of straight nuking this place cus I doubt anyone even cares but thought it’d be appropriate to say that this place has always been a repository for me when I was goin thru it.

[cinnamon-soul-blog1]

Shout out to anyone who’s struggling with their mental health and doesn’t think they can live like this for much longer; if you’re reading this, please stay alive, you’re still here and you’re so strong and i’m proud of you.

[queenikki]

I won an award for a screenplay I wrote (sixth place, not too shabby I guess).

[neuroces]

Zoloft has helped my ocd so much........

my new job hasn’t.......

[neuroces]

she doesn’t understand. my childhood ruined me. I’m so fucked up what’s the point in asking for help they’ll just shame me anyways this is why Asians have a high suicide rate

I gotta close my eyes

[neuroces]

I have no fucking money my parents can’t take care of me cus they work all the time and I’m stuck here waiting for this bullshit to end I just wanna die

[rocd-thoughts]

OCD

me: I have OCD.

NT: but you aren't, like, obsessively clean and organized!!

me: if I told you about half of my intrusive thoughts and compulsions you would never speak to me again

[disabilityuserboxes]

this user has intrusive thoughts 

[cut3st-sh1t-deactivated20220409]

ain’t nobody got time for getting better

[chamomile-bpd]

me: *has a bad thought*

my Hell Brain™: *repeats the bad thought inside my head screaming and banging pots together*

[matagpo]

Do not let them consume you. They don’t define who you are.

[angelicgarnet-moved]

learning that a lot of people with anxiety disorders are under the false belief that constantly worrying and fearing everything “protects” us was really important to me tbh. whether im completely calm or having a meltdown doesnt have any effect on whether or not im in danger or a Bad Thing is gonna happen, so why not try to stay calm if the only difference is that theres less suffering involved 

[deckerrights]

me @ my intrusive thoughts: begone THOUGHT