It has been such a long time since my pen has touched paper – the ink has long since dried. It felt like relearning a skill all over again, like I could not balance on a bicycle or I have forgotten the thril of going down a slope on a scooter.
Since entering my 20’s I felt such a bone weary tiredness sinking slowly in my psyche. I don’t know if I am just imagining it but most days I just feel drained. Like the fight has gone out of me. Like every day is just routine. Like there is nothing to look forward to.
And it terrifies me – that I was thinking that I am wasting my days away. And for what? The physical shell may be that of a young woman but inside – that bone weary tiredness, that cynicism of the world is reminiscent of someone who has seen a war too many.
I am not just talking about world wars, or colonizing wards, but a war within me. A never ending war of whether I am doing enough. Am I just a husk of a person aimlessly drifiting in the world?
Am I worthy of being here?
I would be lying if I told you that it doesn’t keep me up at night, because it does. The last year has taken its toll on me – sometimes I romanticize the past way too much, but it is painful to look back. It is painful to look back and see myself not understanding the way of the world; how caught up I was in it. How caught up I was in other people’s universes – all, but my own.
And why is that? It is from my own unwillingness to participate in my own life. I realize this now, you see.
I should quit being in the sidelines. I will no longer allow myself to be a mere spectator in my own life.
23 was painful. Full of heartaches, of promises broken, of isolation, of burning too many bridges, of insecurities rising to the forefront, of being shoved aside, of being pushed over, of doubting whether I deserve all of it, of checking myself even though I am entitled to my own feelings.
All of it needs to change.
I saw an interesting post a while back – that I should treat everyday like I am in a Studio Ghibli movie.
Instead of romanticizing the past – romanticize the present. Live in the moment.
I will be softer, gentler, and kinder to myself, and to the people around me. I will allow myself to open up to other people – no matter how daunting it is, and to try new experiences just for the heck of it.
24 is a symbolic coming of age – a return to form if you will.
I am in charge of my own destiny.
And yes, I think I am halfway there.
