Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?
We hear it all the time in films, usually from children, only wanting to “get there!” - they often never enjoy the journey. To me this isn’t too dissimilar to societal expectations or milestones and the unspoken desire to “get there!”. Especially for women. By 30: have a partner, have a child and AT LEAST be engaged. If you don’t, something is seriously wrong with you.
I was never one to care about what everyone else is doing. Not in a selfish way but more in a “I’m OK with where I’m at” kind of way. I was never the girl who dreamed of one day being married, although myself and three other girls from my cul-de-sac did have a boyfriend debrief of things we would want when we’re older. We all agreed that we wanted a bit of a bad boy and someone who smoked. I guess smoking seemed cool.I also got both of those things when I grew up. My late teens - 20s was filled with bad experiences all round from friendships to relationships, then health issues with my colitis, lots of time in hospital. I didn’t have the 20s people in my peer group had. I wasn’t a big drinker so going out all the time wasn’t for me. I’ve not been on holiday since I was 13. I’ve not had the same opportunities to meet new people (and maybe even someone I could be in a relationship with!) and it didn’t bother me - because for me all that mattered was staying out of hospital and having a job - those two things for me were me doing well.
Trauma can shut us down and make us avoid things. For me this showed up in relationships. By 24, I was done and happy to be a cat lady. I was in fact, proudly, a cat lady. I had 0 interest in even talking to boys. The first time I saw what Tinder was I thought it was extremely shallow. While all my other girl friends were like dogs on heat (I love you), I was checked out.
I never had any big dreams or strong opinions having children - in college I was actually quite certain I’d not have any. My stance was I loved children but I equally loved giving them back ha. When I was 20 I met someone and I’d say it felt like my first “adult relationship”. He was from a big family so children for him was an absolute. I suddenly wanted children (I’d say that happens often).
He still wasn’t quite done with his past though and it was a to and from between me and the ex. When I fell pregnant and the reality was in our faces, there was a backtracking on him wanting that with me. Throw in being incredibly poorly & a level of knowing I’d end up doing it alone, I had the abortion. Some people have big support systems or a support system that can chip in; while I had that on a mini scale, it wasn’t enough or fair on a child to bring into the world.
6 months later he was engaged to the ex (although that ended up also not lasting). This led to that complete shut down phase of any relationship by the time I was 24. People often see abortion in such black or white terms. I’d say most people would have the opinion that if someone chose to have an abortion, how could they be sad about it? Although I don’t regret it and for ME it was the right choice, it’s an event that lingers almost ten years later.
Now I’m almost 30 and it’s when all of these things start showing up. I believe my “don’t care what anyone else is doing” is partially a trait - I do think some of us are less affected or moved by peer pressure or FOMO. The other part I now believe was my mind's response to keep me safe & keep me focused on doing what I can to get through the years. It's only since COVID/lockdown period that I have literally felt things changing and that I am moving out of beliefs and attitudes I’ve had since I was 24 (not interested in relationships, on the fence about children, happy to do my own thing). Which is amazing yet incredibly difficult when your peers have already been in relationships for 5+ years, have kids or are having more! I’m one of the last standing people in my area, they’ve all moved. Now I don’t have anyone to do what I’d need to do (going out, eventually being partnered etc), because they were all doing it 5 years ago!
Oof...has that wool that was keeping me safe been ripped from my eyes or what, ha. It feels like being asleep for a period of time, waking up and realizing everyone has gone. I’ve recently concluded that the reason it can often hurt so much, especially when people close to you might not understand, is because it really wasn’t a conscious choice. We all have a need to survive and my brain decided to shut me down and make me a cat lady (love you Ollie and Jackie).
I’ve also had to ask myself where even is “there” in my own “are we there yet?” journey. I know I’d like a family one day but I also know I won’t tolerate being treated a certain way just to have it. I’m in a very interesting, enlightening, free, scary, painful place in my life. A reality in my life is that I do have to get out and meet new people. It’s now my responsibility to meet new people during this next part of my life and when you’ve been a cat lady for almost six years, it’s quite scary. (generally too, not just for romantic relationships) but I know I’m not alone in it. Someone might read this and they’ve checked off all the “by 30” milestones and yet still feel a similar way.
So wherever you are on your own “are we there yet?” journey, I hope you too can learn to stop and enjoy the ride.
Who knows, we might miss all this one day.
