disconnect
for a while now i have been worried that my friendships are superficial. it feels like we met through a mutual who no longer exists and we never really got past that stage of small talk and awkward little hi's in the hallway.
when i thought about it (i did a lot of this), i couldnt decide why that was. i showed care for them and they showed care for me, but conversations felt limp and shallow, little more than listening to each other geek out about an interest or hobby. it didnt help that they opened up a lot easier than i did about their problems, either because their problems were simpler in scope or they were just more comfortable in asking for help. this made it feel like they were the ones doing the emotional heavy lifting and that i wasnt reciprocating properly, making the relationship feel out of my control, like they could decide i wasnt cool anymore and just disappear. basically i couldnt tell if my friendships were totally normal and i was just expecting a little too much or if i was just so socially inept that my friends werent really any more than acquaintances.
in the past few weeks, ive been able to somewhat label the problem: i felt like what was missing in my friends was a sense of wonder, not just about the world, but also about the people around them. i asked them questions about their lives, their perspectives, pretty much whatever i didnt already know, but they never seemed to want to talk about the mundane. i have to really dig to get them to tell me something interesting other than "i went and did (thing) and it was fun". whereas when they ask me how ive been, i try to tell them anything that i thought was interesting; there was a cat outside today and we played with it, almost got run over by a dude on an ebike, etc etc. my friends dont seem to share the same interest in being or dont feel like it is worth sharing.
i recently took an mbti personality test just for the funzies (im an intp-something) and what it told me answered my questions pretty well. my friends lack intellectual depth. not calling them stupid, but the intellectual curiosity that makes my brain work the way it does. thats why i decided tumblr would be my trashbin; i didnt have anyone to tell my thoughts to who would be interested. my friends are more preoccupied with their futures or whatever kpop or cdrama person they have an obsession with at any given time. its not that i havent tried to express some of my deeper thoughts to them - they just werent interested. i yapped on and on about brain 1 and brain 2, the difference between the human and the mind, and Friend just responded with the polite yeahs you gets from a nephew who just wants to finish his game.
it all just leaves me with a question: should i learn to think like they do? or should i find someone who thinks like me?
